From the inbox#741

“Greetings to you all. I just wanted to take the time to thank you for this page and all that you have given light to.

I just want to share my experience with an Asexual partner who is also FTM Trans.

Myself, I am not Asexual. Far from it. In fact when my Partner came out to me as both Trans and Asexual, boy did I have a lot on my plate.

I grew up in a sheltered life in the Bible Belt and smack dab in the middle of KKK support. So I have always heard the hell fire and brimstone rhetoric if only being two genders and love between man and woman.

How women are supposed to be treated and sex is something a man has to have and women should just like it. So Trans, Asexual, different sexual orientations? You will burn in hell for such ways of thinking.

I always knew I was different. I grew and shaped into the person I knew I was. Sure, coming to terms with who I was was no easy feat and my parents to this day haven’t fully accepted me. [I am 28] I soon found people attractive no matter what the gender. My crushes ranged from men and women and I dated a bit of both.

It wasn’t until last year that I met the person of my dreams. A few months of dating and they came out to me as Trans. Oh boy did that change my way of thinking. A bit of talking, some research as to what they truly were and it wasn’t that hard if A stretch to just fully accept the person I was in love with.

A little bit later He told me they were on the Asexual spectrum. Once again, I was met with a while new change. Once again…research, talking it out and just flat out being understanding on their wants and needs, it wasn’t so hard to grasp.

What does bother be is the Taboo and stigma of having sex with an Asexual or that sex will almost never be a thing and it’s not going to make a relationship. It will break without it.

I hang my head in shame that this way of thinking exists. I blame the area I live for part of it, but just the fact that people still think love or sex is so clear cut and defined. Even when I was married, I never really thought sex was needed to make a marriage work. Some days I wanted it, others the thought of it didn’t excite me. Other times I needed other things before I felt the need for sex.

It wasn’t until I met my Partner and read about others that have experienced this, that its ok to not want, need, or even partake in anything sexual.

Being cuddled, hugs for hours or even just simply being held is enough. I love him for who he is. A Trans, Asexual. And I am proud to know this page is full of so many others like this. You all have opened my eyes to so many things.

TL;DR – my Trans Partner is on the Asexual spectrum and we have never felt that sex has to be the end all be all. I hope the stigma that sex needs to be a thing will end. I am so happy to have them, and this page rocks. Thank you for existing.”

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From the inbox #730

TW: Abuse, coercion

“Hi. I wanted to give some comission about demisexuality, as I found that it falls under some kind od asexuality.
For a long time I’ve been thinking I was asexual. I Was afraid that it might be caused by a sexual trauma I’ve, sadly, experienced. It made me think that I am not a true ace but a person with a sexual drive silenced by fear. Then, when I’ve found a partner after all, she did not understand it and quite forced me to have sex with her even that she knew what had happened to me before. I loved her, tho and started enjoying sex with her. But when she finally left me I stopped feeling anything. I wanted to give up on it at all. It didn’t last long because I found someone new. But even that I liked her, I still did not feel anything. She then asked me, if I was ace. I did not agree but didn’t know how to call myself. We started having sex, but I did not feel anything at all, but she respected it and gave me time, until I decided myself that I am ready to start. It all changed after some time. I felt closer to her and trusted her a lot more. I got to know her and feel comfortable with her. It was when she said it is probably demisexuality. After all the years I found who I am, and that my feelings are not any aberration nor anything wrong. I finally found myself and felt valid. Now I know after all the years, that there isn’t anything wrong with me an my trauma or the fact, that I am transgender doesn’t make me any less valid, that anybody else – ace, sexual, cis or nb or still searching. I wanted to say it and spread around the whole community – you ARE valid and you should never push yourself into anything. You deserve respect and feeling loved. Take care

From the inbox #714

“I’m searching for tips for a ftm transgender that’s closeted. Mainly how to come out to your family, your community, and especially a young son when the time comes.

Where do I even start with money? I suppose I need to call my doctor to explain the situation but I also want to figure out some good spots to help with money, where I should go, etc.”

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From the inbox #686

“Hello! Had a realization that I thought I would share: saying asexuals can’t be part of the lgbtq+ community because we’re part of the oppressors is fundamentally the same argument as “trans women can’t be women because they have male privilege.” I’m also trans, so I hear stuff like that more often than I’d like.”

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From the inbox 621

“Hey im just looking to meet some ace people im transgender from gloucester dont hate sex but dont really like it im just trying to meet some people from around or close to gloucester if anyone is willing to be friends would be greatful if ud post it without my name and i will send request to people that comment saying they wouldnt mind being friends”

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From the inbox 616

“I’m curious if any other genderqueer, biologically female aces get extremely dysphoric/depressive around the time of their periods and what methods they use to combat that? I felt like hell the last time I was on any hormonal birth control, but my dream is a (non-surgical or minimally invasive) treatment that would stop the cycle entirely and not fuck with my moods or my body otherwise — I prefer my relatively androgynous form and don’t want boobs or anything, thanks.

Any advice?
(I’m already on Prozac for depression and an eating disorder, btw.)”

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From the inbox 579

“Random thoughts

I’m transsexual and gender-fluid?! Why am I so angry?!
First of all, in my own case (and only in my case/maybe not in others), I feel that the dual gender bender stuff I do is dysfunctional because society does not collectively accept or protect it. I mean, let’s face it! From the outset, most countries only recognize two genders, not to mention a bazillion other factors. It is a given therefore that you are either male or female. Nothing more and nothing less. To be more or less means to live in alienation from others and to suffer it in your own mind, like a prison. What comes of the person who is both genders or neither? The precedent for binary overshadows anything else to the point of threat. I for one feel like kicking binary’s ass up and fucking down the block like the bitch tool that it is. It neither recognizes natural ambiguity nor does it embrace doing what feels right, regardless of cultural expectation. Both I find to be highly idiotic and very unimaginative. Not to mention showing complete lack of thought process, concern for future generations or the protections of minority. I could go on.

One very real possibility for causing this personality dualism is prolonged waits for gender reassignment. Having to live forever/no-end-in-sight, between worlds can impact the person from several foreseeable view points, right off the cuff:
* Cultural expectation. What society expects of a person.
* Conditioning. What sorts of responses the person must make to a world that has certain expectations of them. This could be particularly true for instance, in cases where the person is undetected and members of the opposite sex advance. A second scenario could be that the undetected person has to forgo activities that are healthy, natural, culturally relevant and are the rights of passage for other healthy counterparts because if they participate, they run detection risk and the implications are alienation, discrimination and the dismantling of the person’s life in general.
* Treatment. What types of self-therapy that is administered during and throughout the process of delayed treatment.
* These stereotypes and outcomes are reinforced by my particular circumstance. I say self therapy here because it has been my experience that individuals tasked with monitoring and treating what I call ‘circumstantial depression’ are largely not familiar with the task at hand, nor do they share similar background or experience. Many do and of those, it has equally been my experience that those persons vastly and disproportionately assign themselves to being ‘the freak’. This only serves to keep the treatments anyone receives in an imbalance and unequipped for the task at hand: namely, to aid a person mentally from point a to transition.
* At some point, I have had to face reality. I am not fully one or the other from a reproductive, chemical, sociological or culturally acceptable standpoint. Coming to peace with being unable to move forward yet also being unable to go backward is quite difficult for a person who has always been in forward motion. This should have been a very short blip and then been completely forgotten about but instead, it has become the needle in the haystack which poisons the whole barn! A small thing like this should be worked out instantly, not over years and years of time without any foreseeable end. But because it has no end, it becomes the entire focus of all that matters and completely destabilizes the natural and delicate balance of having many issues throughout life and still conquering them. When do I get to move on from this completely ridiculous road block so I can live my fugging life and be a ‘normal functioning’ member of society. I fear, by the time I do get whatever treatment may finally become available, it will be too late to repair the damage or it will take yet more years upon years to heal from.
* The non-binary person is seen as a perversion of the sexes and is therefore relegated to the expectation that they must live their life as a perversion. This only complicates relationships, on all levels, not to mention the damage to the otherwise healthy psyche.
* The mental gymnastics that the non-binary heterosexual individual must perform are astronomical. Any would-be partners are therefore at best, unlikely to take up such a challenge, let alone be prepared to do so.
* Any relationship that is formed on the basis of knowledge that the non-binary person is somehow “missing something” will forever mar both individuals and likely will lead the the eventual collapse of said relationship, not to mention the damage it inflicts on upcoming relationship goals, thoughts or ideas. To be damned regardless is to be without hope.

This hurts the head, confuses me and strains and plagues all of my relationships, regardless if platonic, work related, romantic, sexual or otherwise.

Is it therefore arguable that surgical care must happen within a certain timeframe? If so, what dictates the timeframe since each individual is different? What sorts of special catches do we put in place for people who fall through the cracks and go untreated for years on end? Are there protections ensuring that for instance, when said person loses a job due to this (they are finally ‘detected’), they have support to rely on (which happened to me and continues to happen again and again)? What are the implications of all these thoughts and so many more? How can people relate to me?

I wanted to go undetected and I succeeded in that, but at the end, only by avoiding people and pushing them away. I’ve always gotten annoyed at the types of people that make this type of thing the focal point of their lives because to me, it’s very one-dimensional and indicates lack of depth, maturity and experience. So after all of mine, can I at least make it better for someone else? I didn’t want this. I just wanted what I perceived that others had; a ‘normal life’, with a partner who matched me in caliber. I realize I’m asking for the impossible since I have to live so abnormally but it didn’t stop me from dreaming and pushing toward that goal. I’m a fighter though and I will always believe something worth having is worth fighting for.

I want to go on for hours but my back hurts, REALLY badly. I needed a massage 3 years ago.”

Edit:

“There have been two minor revisions that I feel help clarify. I’ll share those with you.

* The non-binary person is seen as a perversion of the sexes and is therefore relegated to the expectation that they must live their life as a perversion. This only complicates relationships, on all levels, not to mention the damage to the otherwise healthy psyche. The very fabric of a person’s worth is on the skewer and in the fire to be burned up and incinerated. Embracing the perversion often feels the only way to go.

* These stereotypes and outcomes are reinforced by my particular circumstance. I say self therapy here because it has been my experience that individuals tasked with monitoring and treating what I call ‘circumstantial depression’ are largely not familiar with the task at hand, nor do they share similar background or experience. The remaining practitioners may be equipped in such a way however, it has equally been my experience that those persons vastly and disproportionately assign themselves to being ‘the freak’ and don’t really step away from the issue or solve it. Instead, they relish it. This only serves to keep the treatments anyone receives in an imbalance and unequipped for the task at hand: namely, to aid a person mentally from point a to transition.”

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From the inbox #443

“I’m a sex-repulsed asexual trans woman and love the physical intimacy and touch leading up to sex. I feel sensually attracted to just about everyone I meet and want to snog them silly but I’m scared that they’ll want to go farther than I’m comfortable. I really want to be part of a relationship but I’m not sure how to approach and explain all of this to someone.”

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From the inbox #442

“Hello, I am a recently out transwoman and have been considering getting an ace ring and I want to put a stone on the ring to represent me as a transgender but I’m unable to find any specific stone that does so. Does anyone in the ace community know if there is a stone that represents transgender, change or womanhood?”

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From the inbox #422

“I need advice

I’ve always referred to myself as Asexual but the truth is I do feel a little sexual attraction.

But my main problem lies in masturbation on itself.
I have been told it releases stress and recently begun to try it.
I have found I cannot no matter what I do reach a orgasm. It makes me feel like a failure. I am also a transgender male, so body dysphoria could be a part of it but I feel like it isn’t.

My situation is that I get distracted easily, my mind wanders and I just don’t finish and when I try its still not possible.

Is this a normal thing for people who are asexual? Is it only me? I need advice. It’s worsening my depression.”

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