From the inbox #1381

“TW: Hypersexuality, Sexual Assault Mention, Invalidation, Transphobia, Abuse, Internalized Transphobia
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Hello all! Call me Ace! I’m a man of trans and queer experience. My pronouns are he/him. This is a long one, so buckle up!
Growing up, I always felt a bit off. I didn’t like myself in any way, and it showed. People noticed my lack of femininity and pounced on that. I felt sick because I couldn’t fit in. I felt sick because I couldn’t be myself.
When I entered high school, I dated a woman for the first time. I still identified as cisgender at the time. She was a woman of trans experience. She was a very sexual person into many kinks, and I was not. I was uncomfortable at even the mention of her sexual urges. One day, she started to scream at me that I didn’t want to have sex with her because I was transphobic. I gave in because I thought she was right, and I didn’t want to be seen as transphobic. I told everyone I loved her, and that all was well. But really, I acted sexual even though I had no desire to. We broke up. And I suddenly felt incredibly sexual. But any time I engaged in anything sexual, I felt dirty and often showered several times a day.
I dated a two feminine-identifying people, and had intimacy with one of them. This time it felt right, and happy. I still felt fairly hypersexual, though, and was sick at the thought of being sexual sometimes, even if my libido was incredibly high.
Fast forward a few years, and I met my now husband. He’s the light of my life, my whole world. And he just came out to me as aegosexual.
Aegosexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means you have a libido and experience sexual attraction, but generally toward hypothetical scenarios. For him, it also means he likes participating in sexual activities as long as nothing is directed at him.
This opened my eyes, and slowly everything fell into place. In doing research to better support him, I realized who I was. What I was. Being assaulted all those years ago had ingrained in me that to be loveable, I had to be sexual. And now I know the truth.
I am a demi-romantic, demi-sexual, gray-ace ace-flux, literature-excited person. That’s a fancy bunch of words that to me, mean the following:
-I have to have an intense friendship with someone to feel romantically attracted to them.
-I have to have an emotional bond, generally romantic, to be sexually attracted to them.
-I am on the asexual spectrum.
-I go between short times of feeling extremely sexual but long periods of feeling completely sex-repulsed, despite having a libido.
-I receive the most sexual pleasure through erotic/romantic written word.
I have seen so many posts about people in difficult situations because of their sexual partner. It breaks my heart. I have been there. I see you. I hear you. But there is someone out there for everyone; my husband and I have an incredibly strong romantic bond, and understand our sexuality perfectly. Do we have sex often? Absolutely not. Does that bother us? Not at all. We are worth everything. Our feelings and orientation matter. You are valid. I am valid.
We deserve happiness and safety. We deserve to feel clean ❤

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From the inbox #1056

“I’ve discovered recently that in addition to being ace, I’m a very closeted trans person and was raised in a trans-hostile environment, and I wanted to know if there were any good ace-friendly trans transition and coping resources out there.
Thanks. These past few months have been really scary for me; I just don’t know who I can talk to or trust.”

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From the inbox #1044

“So I’m having some wobbles with my sexuality. I’m trans, and on E…before I started hormones was horrible – I felt sexual a lot, and I didn’t like it. Then I started E and my drive dropped a bit, and was quite up and down for a long while. Then I found myself squarely in the ace camp, and I’ve considered myself ace for a while now.

Then a while back I started having sexual dreams getting aroused some nights, and I asusmed it was my T-blockers wearing off (frankly I still thing that, but my doctor doesn’t agree!) Since then I’ve had the occasional urge to watch porn and…sort myself out…and then the urge usually goes away for some time. Thing is I can’t decide what that means. I’ve tried sex stuff a couple of times, and I didn’t much care for it…I get aesthetic attraction, but I’m not sure at what point that borders on sexual attraction? Oh, and it’s never (or at least not recently) been towards anyone in my reality as it where – people online, in porn or movies might look good but I don’t think I want to have sex with them, and I’ve not come across anyone who I think “I would like to have sex with them” in real life…

Sorry, I’m rambling…long story short – ace or not ace? thx

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From the inbox #1036

“I’m a comic writer and author and I’ve been dreaming up this new story about an organization for queer and trans folk that sort of act as freedom fighters for the community around the world. One of the leaders is an older trans woman who acts as a grandmother figure to the rest of the characters and she’s very integral to the final conclusion. So my question is, if I were to make her asexual what sort of features or aesthetics would the ace community like to see represented in a character like this? Or is it misguided for me to represent this character as ace for any reasons I may be over looking?”

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From the inbox #1034

“I’m demi and trans. I’ve been on t for a little while and something really weird has been happening. I’ve had sexual attraction to random people I don’t even know on a couple occassions and tbh it’s really freaking me out. It’s never happened before and I don’t know how to handle it. Has this happened to anyone else on hormones? Did it go away? How did you deal with it?”

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From the inbox #900

“So, I’m trans. I experienced romantic attraction and some sexual attraction prior to going on HRT. But some time after I went on my estrogen and spiro (a testosterone blocker), pretty much all my attraction to others went away. And I love it. I’m not preoccupied with all the dating and relationship and sexual stuff anymore. I’m not sure if this is a common occurrence, but I’m really glad it happened to me.
(Being a pharmacologically-induced asexual still counts as Ace, right?)”

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From the inbox#741

“Greetings to you all. I just wanted to take the time to thank you for this page and all that you have given light to.

I just want to share my experience with an Asexual partner who is also FTM Trans.

Myself, I am not Asexual. Far from it. In fact when my Partner came out to me as both Trans and Asexual, boy did I have a lot on my plate.

I grew up in a sheltered life in the Bible Belt and smack dab in the middle of KKK support. So I have always heard the hell fire and brimstone rhetoric if only being two genders and love between man and woman.

How women are supposed to be treated and sex is something a man has to have and women should just like it. So Trans, Asexual, different sexual orientations? You will burn in hell for such ways of thinking.

I always knew I was different. I grew and shaped into the person I knew I was. Sure, coming to terms with who I was was no easy feat and my parents to this day haven’t fully accepted me. [I am 28] I soon found people attractive no matter what the gender. My crushes ranged from men and women and I dated a bit of both.

It wasn’t until last year that I met the person of my dreams. A few months of dating and they came out to me as Trans. Oh boy did that change my way of thinking. A bit of talking, some research as to what they truly were and it wasn’t that hard if A stretch to just fully accept the person I was in love with.

A little bit later He told me they were on the Asexual spectrum. Once again, I was met with a while new change. Once again…research, talking it out and just flat out being understanding on their wants and needs, it wasn’t so hard to grasp.

What does bother be is the Taboo and stigma of having sex with an Asexual or that sex will almost never be a thing and it’s not going to make a relationship. It will break without it.

I hang my head in shame that this way of thinking exists. I blame the area I live for part of it, but just the fact that people still think love or sex is so clear cut and defined. Even when I was married, I never really thought sex was needed to make a marriage work. Some days I wanted it, others the thought of it didn’t excite me. Other times I needed other things before I felt the need for sex.

It wasn’t until I met my Partner and read about others that have experienced this, that its ok to not want, need, or even partake in anything sexual.

Being cuddled, hugs for hours or even just simply being held is enough. I love him for who he is. A Trans, Asexual. And I am proud to know this page is full of so many others like this. You all have opened my eyes to so many things.

TL;DR – my Trans Partner is on the Asexual spectrum and we have never felt that sex has to be the end all be all. I hope the stigma that sex needs to be a thing will end. I am so happy to have them, and this page rocks. Thank you for existing.”

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From the inbox #730

TW: Abuse, coercion

“Hi. I wanted to give some comission about demisexuality, as I found that it falls under some kind od asexuality.
For a long time I’ve been thinking I was asexual. I Was afraid that it might be caused by a sexual trauma I’ve, sadly, experienced. It made me think that I am not a true ace but a person with a sexual drive silenced by fear. Then, when I’ve found a partner after all, she did not understand it and quite forced me to have sex with her even that she knew what had happened to me before. I loved her, tho and started enjoying sex with her. But when she finally left me I stopped feeling anything. I wanted to give up on it at all. It didn’t last long because I found someone new. But even that I liked her, I still did not feel anything. She then asked me, if I was ace. I did not agree but didn’t know how to call myself. We started having sex, but I did not feel anything at all, but she respected it and gave me time, until I decided myself that I am ready to start. It all changed after some time. I felt closer to her and trusted her a lot more. I got to know her and feel comfortable with her. It was when she said it is probably demisexuality. After all the years I found who I am, and that my feelings are not any aberration nor anything wrong. I finally found myself and felt valid. Now I know after all the years, that there isn’t anything wrong with me an my trauma or the fact, that I am transgender doesn’t make me any less valid, that anybody else – ace, sexual, cis or nb or still searching. I wanted to say it and spread around the whole community – you ARE valid and you should never push yourself into anything. You deserve respect and feeling loved. Take care

From the inbox #714

“I’m searching for tips for a ftm transgender that’s closeted. Mainly how to come out to your family, your community, and especially a young son when the time comes.

Where do I even start with money? I suppose I need to call my doctor to explain the situation but I also want to figure out some good spots to help with money, where I should go, etc.”

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