From the inbox 581

“I just wanted to thank you guys because you gave me the courage to come out to my boyfriend.

I thought he would freak out, but he was okay with it and accepted it. He said that “Of course an Ace is still valid, that’s how they feel. If I don’t want to eat kimchi (he’s Korean) for breakfast, it’s still a valid opinion. If a person is ace and doesn’t want sex they are valid. They are valid if they have sex to please their partners. All aces are valid. Everyone is valid.”

Everyone is VALID. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and if someone can’t accept you, there’s still someone out there who will. We all need to empower each other.

His kimchi comparison was strange but that’s how he was able to understand it, so whatever works???”

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From the inbox #399

“Apparently my little brother told my mom he was asexual. She thought that was made up, and someone told her that just means he’s gay. I used your page to explain it to her, and now she thinks she may be asexual too.”

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From the inbox #269

“Hi, given the number of folks we’ve had posting lately about wanting/needing therapy, I’d like you to consider sharing this
It’s a website for religious and non religious therapists to register as being primarily or solely evidence based treatment.
I was very lucky with it in Atlanta and found a therapist who was unfamiliar with but understood the concept of Aces, as well as being pro LGBTQIA, and pro-polyamory.
As such I was able to work through stress and relationship issues with her, and she never tried to change or “fix” me.
Anyway, Secular Therapy matches you with several therapists, who you can then email anonymously through the website, if you find someone you think you will be comfortable with, then you have the option of sharing actual name/email address/phone number to schedule an appointment”

From the inbox #257

“I realised my asexuality only a few months ago (mostly from reading in this group, thanks!) and I’ve been contemplating all aspects of it ever since. I’d like to share some of my conclusions/thoughts, hoping they might help others as all of you have helped me.

First of all, people can feel very lonely in their asexuality. But (as many already know) a study made in 2004 estimated that about 1% of the world’s population was asexual. I suspect the number might be higher, but let’s go with it. That means that there are at least 70 MILLION ASEXUALS WORLDWIDE! So might be minority, but we are NOT ALONE!

Second, explaining asexuality to non-informed people can be difficult, so I constantly try to think of good analogies to use. My favorite so far is Ice Cream:
Ice Cream = Sex. People in general like Ice Cream. Most might even say they love it. People like different flavors. Some only like one flavor, some another flavor and then some just like all the flavors.
I’m fine with Ice Cream. I might have some occasionally, either because my partner might want some (although I don’t have to of course) or maybe I just feel like having some on my own. But I never have any cravings for it. I never go and think “Oh GOD, I really need some Ice Cream!”. I think Ice Cream can look very tasty, but still not want any. But this is just me.
Some people think it’s downright disgusting. Some might be nauseous from even the thought of it. Some might like to eat Ice Cream, but only with the right company.
I might come across people who are confused (or even angry) and ask me “How can you not like Ice Cream!?” but I just don’t. And that’s no big deal.”

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From the inbox #246

“So there’s a person I’ve fallen for who’s super great and they’ve recently come out as ace and are having a bit of a hard time of it. I’m pretty lost when it comes to how best to be supportive while not coming off as patronizing or weird. Help plz?”

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From the inbox #243

“For anyone on the app called Vent:
I recently created an account called acesafespace that is a place where your questions about asexuality, the spectrum, or other sexualities/genders can be answered. Currently the account is only run by me, but I’m hoping to add a few more people to it in the future. Feel free to check us out if you want and we hope we can create a little safe space for aces on vent”

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From the inbox #187

TW: Abuse

“Ok, so.
I identify as asexual. I don’t feel attracted to anyone, as much as I enjoy sex, there is no attraction- it’s closer to, idk, making each other feel good. My parts all work, my brain just isn’t into seeing people as sexually attractive (aesthetically pleasing- total other ball game).

My problem is this- when people say what asexuality isn’t- one of the biggest things that is bought up is sexual abuse- or rather asexual persons aren’t hiding from trauma.
I’m a sexual abuse survivor- and it’s hard sometimes to correlate whether I’m assxual because I’m asexual or if any chance of me being able to find sexual attraction was muted because of the abuse that I survived.
I kind of- I feel like I’m taking at times. It’s hard to be ace and enjoy sex (not so much here- here people get it) because as much as you can ‘fake’ it there is still the whole ‘I don’t find people attractive and sex as the be all and end all is confusing’. It’s even harder to have people brush off my sexuality because they see it as ‘nonsexual’ and a reaction to past abuse.
I don’t know what sexual attraction is- trust me, I have tried. I have slept with strangers (hell, that was what I thought was normal for a long time. I didn’t feel attraction so if someone showed an interest….yeah. It’s messy, don’t go there. That was a sexual abuse side effect more then an ace side effect- my self worth was linked into sex- it may have helped me become comfortable with sex but I am much more comfortable now, since I have realised that it is ok not to be attracted to anyone and it means I’m not broken.

Because that’s sort of how I felt. For years. Like….up until a couple of years ago. I’m in my 30’s- and finally settled into who I am.

So, uh, yeah. I don’t know where I’m going here. Maybe I just want to see if there are other ace abuse survivors out there. Maybe I just want to show gratitude because this is a safe enough place to talk about these things.”

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From the inbox #182

The situation is the following: I received messages from someone who thinks her husband is asexual. She’s looking into it, because he’s ashamed to. He doesn’t want to have sex a lot, but feels like he should, because that’s what “men ought to” do. He wants to “fix” it. She believes that he’s asexual and accepts that as something normal.
What to do? What would you do, if you were her? What would you like your partner to do, if you were him? Any helpful suggestions?

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From the inbox #174

“Whoever made this page – you fucking legend! I’m 23 years old and I live in Newcastle, Australia.
Asexuality is the orientation that I feel most comfortable identifying with. I have never desired any sexual relationship with anyone and for a long time I thought it was because there was something intrinsically wrong with me. I thought that if I didn’t desire sex, I was somehow not entirely human, and thus could not live a wholesome and happy life.
I have been told all the classic diatribes that asexuals often hear, like “It’s just a phase, you’ll grow up one day”, “is it a religious belief?” or “How do you know if you’ve never tried sex”. In addition, girls I have dated in the past have taken great offence when I tell them I have no sexual interest in them, even when I try and explain that I have never had sexual interest in anyone at all. This made me feel almost like I was some sort of cold and unfeeling sociopath, incapable of connecting with other human beings properly.
Once I starting researching why I am the way Pages like this comfort me, as it makes me know that there are indeed many others out who don’t experience sexual attraction. It freed me and made me realize that my lack of sexual attraction is just what makes me me, just like someone’s height, hair colour or shoe size.
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for almost two years now and we are both open to one another about our mutual lack of sexual attraction. We often talk about how every relationship has their own elements that are completely unique to that relationship. The fact that we don’t have sexual intimacy just a part of our relationship. All the love is definitely still there. When people have the impertinence to ask us about our sex life, we tell them that it’s simply none of their business.
I’m definitely content with myself and my sexual orientation now, much of which I owe to activists like you. I’m doing my best to encourage those in my own community to show empathy for asexuality, as well as assuring others that it’s okay to feel comfortable with their sexuality. Although I have received a lot of criticism in doing so, the people who matter have been loving and accepting about it.
Thank you for all you have done and thank you for taking the time to read this message.”

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