From the inbox #1318

“Gray-ace?
For a few years I have identified as gray-asexual. I consent to having sex with my partners because I know it makes them happy. Sex does feel good, but I wouldn’t volunteer it on my own unless it was to make a partner feel good/feel connected. I am repulsed by the thought of it (especially porn), sometimes I feel like I may gag thinking about it… Yet I still manage to enjoy sex in the moment sometimes. Not all the time.
Someone recently told me that I am definitely not ace at all if I enjoy sex and have sex sometimes.
… But I am still repulsed by the thought of it and wouldn’t ever initiate out of my own sexual desires.
It was a bit of a blow to a part of my identity that made me feel safe and understood.”

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From the inbox #1298

“My boyfriend and I are demisexual. When it comes to media I can’t hear/watch/sense sex, sexual innuendos or anything related without having a panic attack. My brain can’t handle it and I go into this mode of self hatred because a majority of movies and books have this and I can’t watch them, cutting out a huge chunk of media for dates for my boyfriend and I. My boyfriend however can handle everything that I can’t perfectly well. Is there a term for this? Has anyone else experienced this extreme anxiety just from media?”

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From the inbox #1293

“Okay! So I’m Demisexual, though 45% of the time im sex-repulsed, 50% I’m sex-neutral and about 5% of the time I’m like “HECK FREAKING YES!”
And, I know Demisexual means to only have a sexual attraction to someone once a strong emotional bond has been formed… so is it weird/bad that sometimes I’ll look at someone and think “holy hell, I’d bang the crap out of you.”?”

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From the inbox #1292

“I originally identified as Demi but now that I’m learning more it’s harder for me to tell the difference between Demi and Ace without strong sex repulsion. I’m married and love my partner but sex is far on the back-burner for me and I could easily do without in favor of just cuddles.”

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From the inbox #1291

TW: Trauma
“Hi all, I’m new here
I found out I’m asexual after my second child though I’ve always known something was off by my deep repulsion, but I continued through as I was raised that sex was needed for a healthy relationship, even though it killed me inside every time. I experienced complex trauma from birth to 18 along with a series of traumas in early adulthood including my ex “making love with me” while I slept at night as I was a deep sleeper. I have some issues, I am sex repulsed..
I’m thankful my fiancé (allo) partner doesn’t ask or say anything. He doesn’t touch with out asking and he makes sure I see him coming in for a hug or kiss.. he maturbates daily and is celibatant. It’s been about 12 months of no sex, oral etc for us.. I’m sex repulsed with tactile issues Though my youngest is 6 months old and oldest is 5 and has special needs. I’m way to exhausted with all that and my own mental health issues. I’m lucky he understands me, doesn’t push, doesn’t ask. We talk often. But I know eventually he will want a sex life with me.. hoping by then I won’t be sex repulsed. I’m scared the other day I read over 5 hours of stories between sexuals and asexuals.. and I’m worried when that day comes how I will feel.. if I can bring myself to lie there and have unwanted sex for benefit of someone else’s happiness especially if it kills me inside and makes me hate them.. does anyone else feel this way? Suggestions for when and if I find myself in this position ?
We talk a lot, he is supportive and poly isn’t an option for either of us and neither of us wants to leave each other.”

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From the inbox #1226

“Been following this group for awhile now, and while ive had questions ive never really had the courage to ask. So here we go, i guess.
I’m 28. Been in several relationships. Have 2 kids. A couple years ago i was talking to my cousin about sexuality and how i felt like i didn’t really fit into any category. I described to her what i now know as freysexuality(?) But even then it isnt right. I bounce so often between feeling sexual, sex repulsed, more often than not i just dont care and i can let it happen.
Sometimes i feel like its something i want to do. I think because i crave intimacy, but the act itself doesnt really feel like anything. I think i just sort of dissociate during.
My question is, how do i know if the way i feel is real? I mean i dont know what to call myself. Labels have never really felt all too important to me but i feel like i need tk explain myself somehow.”

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From the inbox #1224

“Hello everyone. This is not my normal approach to brainstorming solutions to my problems but I am out of ideas. So here goes. If I am to identify as anything it would definitely be asexual, panromantic, often going between sex repulsed and sex indifferent (now I hope I got all that right, it not my intent to offend anyone, I am new to all of this). Anyways, I am in a relationship with someone I really love, she is a very sexual being, but she is also very respectful to my feelings. My question is does anyone have any advice as to how we keep this relationship strong, I don’t want her to just be respectful of me and avoid sex, I want to be respectful to her and engage in sexual activities on a somewhat regular basis. Is this possible or am I just being hopeful. Anything I can do to increase it from like once a month/every six weeks to maybe two times a month?”

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From the inbox #1210

“So uh.. I’m just wondering if anyone else actually hates being ace? Like I accept my sexuality but I also really hate it because of how much insecurity it brings. I’m a sex repulsed ace but I also really love being in a relationship, I turned down someone I really liked because he was very sexual and he said he accepted and understood my asexuality but everyone else said that he would definitely cheat on me if I never slept with him.
My friend’s have even used it when I get introduced and I’m just like “What does that have to do with who I am as a person? Why does this stranger need to know that I don’t want to sleep with someone?” Why have you decided that that is my defining trait?”
Its just so hard and I really hate being ace more often than not. It’s something I can’t change… but I really wish I could”

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From the inbox #1180

“Hey gang…
So, I’m sex repulsed ace and I’ve accepted this as my identity… I still struggle from time to time feeling broken and undesirable and what not but I’ve gotten better with self acceptance, esp in the last year or so.
Some things I’m still really struggling with is finding acceptance from outsiders, including within the community.
I’m a really touchy and flirty person and love intimacy such as holding hands or back rubs or kissing, but I’m just really not into the whole frick frack buisness or genitals at all and I don’t feel sexual attraction towards people. I also have a very hyper-sexualized body, I got a booty that’s Poppin’ and love to make myself up pretty… People regularly call me a tease and a fake ace and and it’s really frustrating, esp when it’s people within the community.
I’ve also had a really hard time with the idea of having a relationship, bc I really want a relationship and companionship, and I have wonderful platonic relations but it’s not the same, ya know? But I’m scared from both past experiences and what people say that a lasting relationship will never happen and it’s just really getting me down. I’d really love to hear people’s stories in respect to relationships and any advice to get over these barriers I feel that I have preventing happiness.”

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From the inbox #1147

“hello there!
first let me congratulate you on your great page, it’s a nice one
and then I’d like to ask something. I have been very sexually active since I was 15, like I masturbated a lot and I had my first sex encounter at this age, but then over years I developed a depression and the desire for sex came and went, and finally it looks like I have reached a stage where I definetly want sex but like.. I don’t want the part of doing it with someone else, because sometimes I even see myself as repulsive because of the sexual impulses I have. It’s like I like sex, I just don’t like doing it with another person and whenever I do it I usually regret it instantly and feel bad about it for a few hours after… Idk if this could be considered some kind of asexuality because it might be linked to some emotional trauma and to the fact that society links sex and romantic love in a way that it’s hard to tell the border for us who have internalized those ideas even tho I am working on deconstruct my thinking for it to be more coherent on what I think
In short, it’s like I want sex until I cum and then it’s like a lot of repulsion and elf hatred…”

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