From the inbox #555

“Just need to vent. My partner is super romantic and has a crazy high libido, while I’m much less affectionate and waver between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed. Their actions drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes! They try to compromise but it’s sometimes short lived and often still too much for me. I hate having to keep constantly pushing them away, which upsets them which upsets me, and it’s starting to really get to me that I keep having to reset and defend my preferences and boundaries. I’m worried one day soon I’ll snap or their bubble will burst and that’ll be that. I’m worried too that that might not be the worst thing, that we both deserve to find someone more into what we have to offer. Sigh”

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From the inbox #551

“hello hi it’s been a while since last i sent something, but i’ve been seeing a rash of rather posts (as in, posts that made me feel and not actually bad posts or anything, haha) and wanted to send something in anonymously in the positive! background: i identify as a nb (she/her) pan ace who is indifferent to sex.
i’ve been seeing a guy since late october and it’s been a surprisingly great experience. he knew that i was ace because we’d known each other for a little less than a year prior and were close friends for at least five months before we started dating. at the very start (as in, literally an hour before our first date), he very openly asked me what it would mean for the relationship since he didn’t identify as ace, and we had a decently long conversation about how we wanted to set boundaries. once, he tried to initiate something that i wasn’t comfortable with and immediately expressed discomfort in, so now he constantly checks in when we’re together (mostly things like “is it okay if i do this” and waiting for me to nod or shake my head before deciding what to do) and while that seems like something that most people should do, it just feels really nice that he would take how i feel into consideration rather than just doing what he wants to and then asking for forgiveness. i don’t know; i thought i would have to spend my entire time in a relationship telling someone to slow down or stop, but i’m somehow in this incredibly comfortable situation in which everything that happens is due to a mutual agreement or understanding and i just wanted to say that i hope anyone who is searching for a relationship has the same amount of luck as i do.”

From the inbox #515

“Hi, I’m gray-ace and my husband is heterosexual. I didn’t realize my asexuality for what it was until after we had gotten married. I’m not sex-repulsed, but I’m quickly losing the motivation to even have sex anymore. I don’t mind it when it happens, usually. I just feel like I’m moving more towards not wanting sex ever and it makes me feel guilty that it will affect my husband. He’s not entirely open to me being asexual and he kind of ignores it when I talk about it. Help?”

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From the inbox #364

“I’m Demisexual grey-asexual who is not sex repulsed, rather sex apathetic UNTIL I see pretty graphically sexual stuff. For example simply logging into fb I can be exposed to soft porn in even just a WORK OUT video with the trainer being shown working in slow mo with the camera panning in on their ass or sweat trickling down the navel; drawing attention to other kind of irrelevant aspects of the work out (I do have a filter on my feed that blocks a certain degree of content) and of course the feelings I have about porn itself after learning what a filthy industry it is and how it preys on the young an na├»ve, both the actors and viewers. Sometimes I feel I’m overly sensitive about it , but this day in age i can’t escape it everyone loves wet raunchy sex. I dunno what to do? I already stay to myself and take all the precautions i can to avoid being exposed to it.”

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From the inbox #342

“Some days I’m glad that I’m asexual. I never felt like I needed a boyfriend or girlfriend. But asexuality does get in tough situation. My family questions my sexuality often.
Mostly it’s just pressure from society. I even got to a point where guys were after me and they wouldn’t leave me alone. They would tell me “why? Give it a chance. I’m different.” I shoot them down with “No. I don’t have the need. I don’t feel empty. I don’t need it.” I just know they want sex or blowjob. I usually tell them off, “Go get a vacuum cleaner to suck it.” I even get stalked by weirdos.
It gotten to the point where I had to ask a close friend to be my fake boyfriend to shoo them away.
It did work actually. I’m glad that he helped out, but later on he wanted a real relationship. He is sexual and I even told him I’m asexual. He says he was fine by it, but I don’t think he fully understand it.
Like one time he would point out a muscular guy on a movie and asked if I like it or even a picture of him with his torso. I told him the truth, I don’t get sexual attraction from body types. How I look at people through my eyes is that they are all stick people basically. They are all the same until I get to meet their personality. I only judge them by personality.
He hasn’t force me into sex. I never had sex. He’s more hungry towards touch: holding hands, cuddling, hugs and kisses. He would sometimes cook for me and ask about my emotional well-being. But I know one day he wants more than that. I’m not really repulsed from sex, it just I feel no need of it.
But I also ask myself, ‘why hasn’t he got a girlfriend before? He cooks, cleans, very emotional fella.’ Found out from other ladies that he was, “scary looking” and “too upfront” or “crazy” or that he was “poor.”
If the ladies took a chance to really see him, he’s upfront or crazy because he has anxiety problems and poor doesn’t matter in love.
That’s when I see back again, that I’m glad I’m asexual. But I know I’m going to have a slight problem later on.”

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From the inbox #330

“What is it called if you’re ace and sex doesn’t repulse you, but you find it painful? (For me it is almost always painful or at least very uncomfortable, no matter if it’s vaginal, anal, or oral sex). I would love to give a partner sex, but don’t think I can because the experience is so uncomfortable for me. At the same time, I don’t mind hearing about it or talking about it or even watching it in porn. However, I do find it very tedious and boring and don’t get the appeal. Would you consider me sex repulsed? The experience of sex is actively painful/uncomfortable to me, but mentally I am neutral about it.”

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From the inbox #329

“I’m pretty indifferent to sex, but I can’t understand why someone would want to have their hands, mouth, etc. near that part of the body. Yuck! I’m also pretty repulsed by the male anatomy. Don’t much care for women’s anatomy either. I guess I would have been right at home with the Victorian “lay still and think of England’ attitude. I did experiment when I was in my twenties, mostly because everyone said, ‘you just haven’t found the right guy.’ I never even heard of asexual until a year or so ago. I’m almost fifty. Is mine a singular experience or are there other people my age with similar issues?”

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From the inbox #328

“So I’m a sex-indifferent ace and found this out through having sex previously. But I have a question, if anyone else can relate. Has anyone occasionally had vividly sexual dreams where you and this imaginary partner go through the motions of initiating sex and through the whole time you are enjoying it and feel, what I presume, what allos feel? Then you wake up and you’re just like “well that was weird”. Could this be a sign of demisexuality? I’ve considered the possibility of being demi previously, I just never felt that way toward someone to confirm it. But would definitely like to have that question answered as well.”

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From the inbox #279

“I didn’t actually label myself asexual (apathetic about sex with no drive, not repulsed or opposed to sex) until about 20 (22 now). It was a confusing process. And it took at least a few months after that to label myself as panromantic asexual. I have a very supportive boyfriend and friends.

But I’ve had a very back and forth relationship with my sexuality. By that I mean going from very proud of it all the way to googling how to change myself and how I feel. It’s nice to be this way, my sexuality. But sometimes it’s also not. And I’m wondering if anyone else deals with these polarizing feelings and what coping methods they have for dealing with them.”

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From the inbox #261

“I’ve been dating my girlfriend for quite some time. We met because we were both asexual, and it took off from there. However, the longer I’m with her, the less asexual she seems. She’s very sexual, and usually tries to turn a simple kiss into a lot more. Originally, she had told me she was repulsed by the idea of sex. I’m very flexible, but only if my partner were to really want any kind of sexual favors. She used to say her friends would bring up sex, and she would cringe. Now, she can talk my ear off about her sexual fantasies. I’ve confronted her on the amount of sexual desires she has, and she says it’s all talk. Does she sound asexual? Help?”

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