From the inbox #853

“Am I the only one who masturbates just to get the horny feeling to go away? I feel disgusting during and after. I just want to stop feeling horny and then disgusting.”

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From the inbox #846

“I identify myself as an Ace however some very confusing things happened lately.
Reason I always thought I was different than the others is because I have never really been attracted to sex. The first time I even saw pornography as a teen I just wanted to barf while others found it stimulating.
I have had sexual relationships however most of the time I was just going through the motions. I did not feel any enjoyment or sexual attraction.

Whilst I do have urges occasionally, when it comes to having sex with someone I just cannot do it. I find the whole experience boring and also painful.
However, lately there is someone I am interested in with whom I did not accept to have sex with but I still wanted to be with him and we made out a few times.
I sometimes feel horny thinking about him and sometimes I regret that we didn’t sleep together.
On the other had when the opportunity came I just could not get myself to do anything with him apart from second base.
Help I do not know what is going on anymore, is this asexuality or something else?”

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From the inbox #830

“So, I’m demisexual and I always feel a bit weird. I actually have a high sex drive when I’m sexually attracted to someone.

Outside of that, however, I think I’m actually pretty sex repulsed. I hate seeing it in TV shows or movies, PDA from other people makes me sick. I used to have friends who were a couple and they would literally make out in front of people even when my other friend(not ace but an assault victim) would ask them to stop and it would make me feel so gross.

Is there a word for this? Being sex repulsed when it comes to other people but not yourself? Or is this one of those things that I guess just doesn’t really need a word? And is anyone else like this?”

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From the inbox #664

“trigger warnings: mentiones rape, sex…

I’m realizing how much of a problem it is to identify as asexual around straight guys. I think that I’d get understanding but really all they want is to the one that proves me wrong. They think corrective rape is the solution. They think that they need to teach me how to do it right so I will like it. Try to prove to me I have a drive and libido when it has nothing to do with asexuality.

I’m just so sick of being manipulated because guys see asexuality as a tease as a fetish as a challenge instead of realizing that I’m off limits when it comes to sex. It’s so hard because the asexual Community is so small and it’s so hard to believe and Imagine That within the small community I can find someone that I can connect with and relate to and be happy.

It’s hard to be in a world where sexuality so important all I want is relationship without sex but people don’t get it. And it bothers me, it bothers me that people equate love and sex, it bothers me that people can just accept that I’m asexual and move on but bug me and drive me crazy with questions that are very private and personal. I’m just feeling really frustrated and upset it’s not easy to be asexual.”

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From the inbox #663

“You see, I’m Demisexual, and I used to identify an ace until I realized I would like sex but only with a very close significant other. However, recently, though I have no one I’m with currently, I have been getting sexual feelings, but not to any specific person. In fact, I don’t even think of someone at all, I just sort of do and I’m super lost. I don’t know if I’m still considered Demisexual or not. Please help”

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From the inbox 628

TW: Mentioning of rape

“My partner and I have been together 10 years. No kids. I’ve been identifying with the asexual label for a year or two. Two years ago, I joined a martial arts club that broke me out of a depressed rut. My partner and I have been arguing a lot for the past year. More than we had in the previous 9 years. We had talked about having an open relationship in the past and last year my partner found someone else that he clicked with and at whirlwind speed she had also moved in. I started anti-anxiety meds that are amazing. 2016 has been rough, bewildering, and full of changes.

I’m a sexually active woman who hasn’t been interested in sex in years. Touching, caressing, and cuddling were always better than the hot and sweaty parts, but I enjoyed the sex too. I don’t mind making my partner happy, but achieving orgasm hasn’t been on my personal agenda. When I was younger, I was keenly interested in BDSM and fantasizing about bondage and rape was paramount for me to achieve orgasm, whether I was masturbating or copulating. About five years ago though, my libido sunk through the floorboards. In addition, I’ve become more aware of the realities around rape and abuse… and while I am aware of healthy, consensual BDSM practices, I can’t fantasize about it anymore and still have a positive self-image. It’s been difficult to figure out how much of that was biological (would my libido come back?), psychological (was I scared of my libido coming back?), and personal preference (would I be upset if my libido never came back? No.).

My partner has a very high libido and would like to be more sexually active than he is. His girlfriend, who lives with us, is a trans-woman who had never been sexually active before and had practical difficulties with sex. My partner learned more about consent during their first month together than he and I had ever talked about ever. I was figuring out how to stand up for myself in our relationship and he was figuring out his own preferences and how much of our previous relationship had felt more like bullying than calm discussion and that led to our first major heated fight and made me feel like a rapist. Let me tell you, that does not feel good. And it certainly illustrated how poor our communication had been for our first 9 years together. We almost broke up.

Now, I feel that we are stronger and we communicate more and in healthier ways. It may be counterintuitive, but opening our relationship helped to make that happen. Our roommate, my partner’s girlfriend, has been patient, logical, and has encouraged us to talk about our issues. She has come to the conclusion that she doesn’t care much for sex. So my partner is now trying to find a sexual partner online, with our blessings.

This sort of relationship was so far from being imaginable 10 years ago, that I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe half of it back then. It’s still evolving and we’re all still learning.”

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From the inbox 561

“This is gonna sound weird but I’m confused. I was snooping around the Internet when gray-ace/semisexuality popped up, I had never heard of this previously and when I discover new things I research. It made me think of myself but I always need to know as much as possible before I slap labels on myself. Most descriptions I found say that it is someone who has a libido(sexdrive) but doesn’t act on it. I definitely have one but I don’t like/want to act on it I guess it’s good as my boyfriend is ace… It’s just I’ve confused myself… Help?”

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From the inbox #555

“Just need to vent. My partner is super romantic and has a crazy high libido, while I’m much less affectionate and waver between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed. Their actions drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes! They try to compromise but it’s sometimes short lived and often still too much for me. I hate having to keep constantly pushing them away, which upsets them which upsets me, and it’s starting to really get to me that I keep having to reset and defend my preferences and boundaries. I’m worried one day soon I’ll snap or their bubble will burst and that’ll be that. I’m worried too that that might not be the worst thing, that we both deserve to find someone more into what we have to offer. Sigh”

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From the inbox #519

TW: Rape

“I have a question sort of. More over I am just very confused. Triggers below.

I was aggressively raped by my ex over a span of a few months practically every day. I had a very high sex drive but I didn’t want to have sex, obviously since I now have a son because of the rape that word ‘no’ didn’t work out well. (Police won’t even investigate)

I still have a high sex drive, however every time I try to rile myself up or think about ever having sex again, I get flash backs and I can never please myself anymore because it makes me sick.

People tell me that ‘oh you’ll love sex again don’t worry’ but I can’t see myself ever wanting to have sex again despite my still very high sex drive.

I don’t know what I am right now, I want sex but I also don’t want sex and every time I try with myself (since I don’t have a partner and probably won’t for years to come) it makes me sick.

I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do, I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this since no one seems to understand why it’s so important to me.”

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From the inbox #337

“Here’s a question for the readership – I have spent my whole life feeling I’m in the wrong gender, and now I’m in a postion to start transition, but I know that the hormones would give me a sex drive (since having my baby I’ve been blessedly free of the urge). Does anyone else find it impossible to place themselves on the gender spectrum because sex gets in the way?”

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