From the inbox #1261

TW: Coercion mentioned

“I’m an extremely sexual demi (once I have sexual attraction, I’m in the mood almost all the time), and am dating someone who appears to be somewhere under our lovely ace umbrella. He describes himself as “basically asexual”, but doesn’t care for utilizing an actual label (which is fine, obviously).
The problem comes in where I’ve never dated someone who was ace-spectrum. And neither has he. He’s expressed on numerous occasions that his entire history of sexual experience involves regularly being forced/coerced/guilted into sex. He’s also said that he’s not sex-repulsed, and sometimes even enjoys sex, but doesn’t care for it enough to ever initiate. For me, if he were sex repulsed I’d be okay never engaging sexually at all. But knowing he’s sometimes okay with it makes me really want to have a sexual relationship, even if it only happens once every 50 years. How do I proceed while being respectful of his feelings? I don’t want him to feel pressured by me attempting to initiate, but at the same time he has said he will never initiate it himself.
Tl;dr: My potentially gray-ace bf stated he sometimes likes sex but will never initiate. How do I proceed in a way that won’t make him feel pressured? And also in a way that won’t make him feel like other forms of affection (kissing, etc) are just being used to get sex (because they are not, I love him to death and enjoy every second with him, sexual or not)?”

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From the inbox #1234

“Hey, I always see people asking questions or sharing fun memes or trying to explain things. Maybe you could share this? It’s a work in progress but I’ve tried it out on some friends and they said it’s helped.
If you come across a cake and find it aesthetically attractive it means you think it’s pretty. It was very well put together and it’s nice to look at.
Sexual attraction is seeing the cake and the visual sparking thought about smelling it or eating it. But, you might not actually want to, you just imagine it. Maybe it initiates hunger and maybe it doesn’t.
Sex drive is how big your appetite is. You may just not be hungry almost ever. If you eat, it’s for some other reason. If you have a large appetite you want to eat, but you may not necessary care what you eat. Eating itself is what is satisfying, not necessarily what was eaten.
Sexual desire is being hungry for cake specifically. You want to eat that cake. Or maybe you just want to eat a cake and go looking for one. Just because you want the cake doesn’t necessarily mean you go after the cake.
Sexual activity is actually eating the cake. This could be because you really wanted the cake, but also because you just wanted to try the cake, or maybe everyone else was having cake and there was social pressure, etc.
Sexual orientation is what flavor(s) you like.”

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From the inbox #1220

“So I’ve been struggling with my sexuality lately bc I’m demi and I have a high sex drive, and I’ve noticed that when I’m masturbating I’ll find myself thinking about aesthetically pleasing people that I feel no sexual attraction to. It just confuses me bc I have absolutely no desire to have sex with them but I daydream about them (not in a sexual way, more like just hanging out with them and stuff) while masturbating and it’s like is this sexual attraction or am I just letting my mind wander and subconsciously associating my thoughts with sex? Idk maybe I’m just thinking too much or overanalysing myself, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask if anyone else was thinking this way or if someone else knew what I’m doing bc I have no idea what’s going on with me”

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From the inbox #1166

“I feel like i need some clarity, as i feel like Im ace, But at the same time i certaily does not. In one sec i feel like i could take anyone, and in a few moments later I feel like sex is unnecessary and that i would rather not. I am generally confused and I hope maybe you could shed some light on the situation, and if it can help others walking my shoes I’d be glad if you posted this anonymously”

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From the inbox #1117

“Topic: mentions sex and masturbation

Are there any grey asexuals in here?? This question is for you all and want to read other perspectives and how if it comes up in your life.. it’s like I have a sex drive and I occasionally want sex, play, kink, kisses and cuddles but at the same time I am not trying to be touched by people or by myself when masturbating. it’s frustrating because I do want sex and a release but like I don’t want to be touched by people or by myself with hands or toys. I don’t know what I want from moment to moment time to time day by day and it’s hard to tell and it’s really frustrating because my body is like nope and yes at the same time. And my mind, my heart and soul is like nope. my usual emotional response of not wanting to be touched overrides my feelings of physical intemancy and I want physical intimacy and like I am not trying to be touched. How do people navigate duality?”

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From the inbox #1044

“So I’m having some wobbles with my sexuality. I’m trans, and on E…before I started hormones was horrible – I felt sexual a lot, and I didn’t like it. Then I started E and my drive dropped a bit, and was quite up and down for a long while. Then I found myself squarely in the ace camp, and I’ve considered myself ace for a while now.

Then a while back I started having sexual dreams getting aroused some nights, and I asusmed it was my T-blockers wearing off (frankly I still thing that, but my doctor doesn’t agree!) Since then I’ve had the occasional urge to watch porn and…sort myself out…and then the urge usually goes away for some time. Thing is I can’t decide what that means. I’ve tried sex stuff a couple of times, and I didn’t much care for it…I get aesthetic attraction, but I’m not sure at what point that borders on sexual attraction? Oh, and it’s never (or at least not recently) been towards anyone in my reality as it where – people online, in porn or movies might look good but I don’t think I want to have sex with them, and I’ve not come across anyone who I think “I would like to have sex with them” in real life…

Sorry, I’m rambling…long story short – ace or not ace? thx

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From the inbox #1034

“I’m demi and trans. I’ve been on t for a little while and something really weird has been happening. I’ve had sexual attraction to random people I don’t even know on a couple occassions and tbh it’s really freaking me out. It’s never happened before and I don’t know how to handle it. Has this happened to anyone else on hormones? Did it go away? How did you deal with it?”

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From the inbox #963

“Is anyone else here ace and bipolar and has to deal with the hypersexuality symptom of mania? I feel like in other people’s minds they will invalidate each other. If someone knows I’m ace, they might be less likely to believe I’m hypersexual during a manic episode. If someone knows I’m bipolar, they might be less likely to accept I’m ace due to the “crazy sex fiend” stereotype.

It’s also so annoying to deal with balancing both! Even though my asexual identity is just bc I’m not attracted to people, and I still sometimes have a sex drive, it’s still fairly low. But then during a manic episode it can skyrocket. Which is just inconvenient for so many reasons on top of typical mania issues. (Example one: impulse sexual encounters and then the people thinking they’ll still have the same chance of getting in my pants when I’m stable.)

Just wanted to vent and find out if I’m not alone?

P.S. I’ve also encountered aphobes who are literally aphobic BECAUSE they experience hypersexuality. “I’m hypersexual and it’s hard so I think aces are the worst and also can’t be queer.” I think that’s the worst one for me.”

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From the inbox #941

“Hey, I just wanted to share my story. I haven’t always been Ace, thought I’ve always been really “picky”.
Anyway, I was talking about it in a chat room in a video game at one point and this guy literally kept arguing with me that I want asexual if I had a sex drive. I tried explaining to him that sexualities are about attraction, not drive, but he wasn’t having it. He refused to even see that by his logic homosexuality and heterosexuality weren’t what they really were either. He was belligerent and really rude about it, calling me stupid and telling me repeatedly that because I still have a sex drive I want asexual. He even went as far as to get my contact information so he could further berate me about it over discord and kept telling me that his asexual friends all thought I was stupid too.
But you know, we’re not bullied or erased or anything…”

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