From the inbox 589

“Hello,

I have just recently got into a relationship. I had to explain to my boyfriend that I am a sex-repulsed asexual; he didn’t understand it back then, but I am very thankful that he respects me whenever we would get intimate (but never had sex). He stops when I would say ‘no’ or when I look uncomfortable. He’s a sexual person, I am not. Though I don’t want him to feel bad or that it’s always him that has to give way to me. I would also like to give way to him. Though I get very uncomfortable when it comes to sex.

Thoughts?”

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From the inbox #551

“hello hi it’s been a while since last i sent something, but i’ve been seeing a rash of rather posts (as in, posts that made me feel and not actually bad posts or anything, haha) and wanted to send something in anonymously in the positive! background: i identify as a nb (she/her) pan ace who is indifferent to sex.
i’ve been seeing a guy since late october and it’s been a surprisingly great experience. he knew that i was ace because we’d known each other for a little less than a year prior and were close friends for at least five months before we started dating. at the very start (as in, literally an hour before our first date), he very openly asked me what it would mean for the relationship since he didn’t identify as ace, and we had a decently long conversation about how we wanted to set boundaries. once, he tried to initiate something that i wasn’t comfortable with and immediately expressed discomfort in, so now he constantly checks in when we’re together (mostly things like “is it okay if i do this” and waiting for me to nod or shake my head before deciding what to do) and while that seems like something that most people should do, it just feels really nice that he would take how i feel into consideration rather than just doing what he wants to and then asking for forgiveness. i don’t know; i thought i would have to spend my entire time in a relationship telling someone to slow down or stop, but i’m somehow in this incredibly comfortable situation in which everything that happens is due to a mutual agreement or understanding and i just wanted to say that i hope anyone who is searching for a relationship has the same amount of luck as i do.”

From the inbox #469

“So anyone here who’s sex repulsed dating a person with a high sex drive? My s/o knows I’m ace and is okay not having sex in a relationship but I can’t help but doubt that’s true or not.”

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From the inbox #458

I’m in a very loving and committed relationship (it’s actually our one-year anniversary today!) with someone who fully understands and accepts my identity. Since I’m gray, I’m sometimes able to have sexual relations and actually enjoy them (being with this person is how I fully realized my identity because the attraction I feel here really is different). However, I go through phases. Sometimes, I’m very able and willing and wanting to have sex. Other times I can barely be touched without my brain sending DO NOT WANT REJECT AT ALL COSTS signals. Again, I want to emphasize how understanding and affirming my partner is. They will not do anything I do want want, has read about asexuality, asks me questions, and never forces me to be an educator. However, they are allosexual and there is some aspect of the relationship that they want that sometimes I can’t provide. We encourage honest communication with each other, and they have admitted to me that at times when I’m unable to feel any sexual attraction whatsoever, even though they do understand, there is a sense of rejection that weighs on them physically and emotionally. They try not to bring it up because they want to support me, but I hate seeing them so sad. Has anyone been in this situation? How can I help them not feel rejected and loved and affirmed without doing something my body 100% does not want to do at times?”

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From the inbox #421

“I have a friend whom I’ve grown close to lately and is one of the few people that I am currently out to about being both ace and aro. They are allo, and has recently asked me if I would be willing to enter into something similar or along the lines of a QPR with them. This sort of thing has never happened to me before and I’ve only just recently learned that it is possible to have meaningful relationships without sex or romance and some of the concepts are still confusing to me. They claimed that they would be willing to give up sex for me, which makes me feel sort of guilty because I don’t feel like I should put them in a position where they feel that they need to sacrifice anything like that for me. Is it even necessary? I mean if we’re essentially just really emotionally close friends, is it inherently required that we be committed to each other in THAT sort of way? I feel like they should be allowed to live for their own needs too. I’m really confused.”

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From the inbox #392

“Howdy. Ive found myself in quite a situation, and i was wondering if you could help? It pertains to me (a fellow ace) and a girl ive had feelings for. She demands too much romantically and sexually and i feel trapped. So i had cut communication with her, and had left. I hear shes heartbroken, but i cant bring myself to go back.”

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From the inbox #390

“So, I’ve been loitering here for a while, but this is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to ask advice. This is a bit of a brain dump, so bear with me? I identify as ace and grey-aro, and I told my boyfriend this the other week. It took me a long time to find the courage. We’ve been dating about 2 months, and there’s always been that feeling of awkwardness, I guess? I thought it would go away when I told him, but it hasn’t. I don’t think he really got it at all. It doesn’t help that he lives far away, so we don’t see each other that often and when we do I find myself making excuses. I’m fairly introverted, and I find some people much more exhausting than others, and it’s awful, but he’s one of them. I feel terrible, because everyone tells me how great of a couple we are, and how they were certain we were perfect for each other, and I do like him, but… I don’t know, it just feels off? And I’ve tried to have this conversation, but I can’t get the words out. All I want is someone I can watch crap telly with, talk about geeky things with, and laugh with. Maybe a snuggle or two, but anything more is kinda, meh? And he doesn’t get that. I don’t know what to do. Is this weird uncomfortableness normal? Should I be worried about it? How do I make this work if I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’m fairly certain I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m lost. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially him, but I just felt so much better when I was single. Is that terrible of me?
Sorry for the stream of thought. Any advice would be much appreciated!”

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From the inbox #369

“Hey everyone, I’m asexual but I’m really confused about myself romantically. I thought I was frayromantic, which really made since because I have romantic attraction until I get to know that person. But when this guy I like is romantic or flirty and stuff or even talks about LIKE stuff like cuddling or kissing, I’m weirded out by it. I mean I REALLY like him, like he’s just so sweet and kind, but I’m not comfortable with those things after my attraction is gone. It’s really confusing me and recently I decided to tell him to give me some space till I figure things out so that I can be my best for him.

But I don’t know why this happens and he’s really romantic and likes being close and he knows I’m asexual, but I don’t know what to do about how I feel or what to tell him. Can someone help me?”

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From the inbox #359

“Hi just found this page. I do believe I’m asexual. Have for all my life??? But no one around me understands this. I have been with my husband 16 years. But I’ve never had a drive to have sex with him or anyone else for that matter. I know I am more attracted to females but when I see someone (female or male) who I think is cute, nice look, or hot, its just that a passing thought nothing sexual ever enters my mind. he doesn’t understand that. My husband and I are not on awesome terms right now. Don’t think we will ever be ok again. I just don,t know what to do anymore.
I want to move on and be single so I don,t have to keep letting him down. But I also enjoy sleeping next to him. Its not fair to him at all.
He doesn’t get I just don,t get sexual feels. Its just not in me. help!”

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From the inbox #334

“I’ve been dating this guy for a couple months and in the beginning it was solid. I considered myself Asexual and Aromantic and I still do. There’s no sexual attraction and there’s no romantic attraction. I have a habit of dating sometimes solely to pass time or fill a void in my heart cause I’m in a different state from my best friend. I moved recently in February from CT to MI and it’s been pretty gruesome. Doesn’t help that I’m also trans FTM but I’ve found solace and im living happily aside from my current relationship. He’s clingy and I hate clingy but I also hate the fact that I can’t voice up my words half the time on how I feel. I’m a terrible person that ghosts out of relationships no matter how close our places may be solely because I can’t do close to someone sexually or romantically. We kissed and had sex the first couple of weeks and then after the first month I noticed I was getting bored and more repulsed by his touches. I can’t handle it but I also can’t handle him being unhappy. He’s a sensitive guy who’s oddly invested in me despite the little time. I’m not sure on what to do aside from talking it out but it’s hard to do for me.

Maybe people within the community would be able to give out their own opinions? The more the better I guess.”

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