From the inbox #684

“I didn’t really think I’d ever message the page but here I am, I just have to share this with people I’m sure will understand. This one guy who I met in Tinder (glad to have my prejudices about it being just a place for people to get laid proven wrong) and who I’ve been talking with on Snapchat for like a month now just told me I would be wife material if it weren’t for my asexuality (about which he was naturally curious at first since he didn’t know of it but understood everything well and was polite about it all the time) and now I feel super sad and empty. It’s not like I was that attached to him but he had so much potential (for the sake of my sanity and safety I’ve locked my feelings somewhere deep and first observe the possible partner carefully and really rationally to be sure they would be “partner material” and he definitely was) and the fact that he saw potential in me but cannot take the chance since he cannot abandon sex (I most likely would not be able to do it) just… I don’t even have words. For a while now I’ve been really down about dating stuff since no one so far has seen me worthy enough to give up on having a sexual relationship and this just makes the feeling of worthlessness worse, I feel like I have nothing actually good in me because sex is still better than everything in me combined according to every other allo person that has approached me. And well to me sex is horrible so I can’t first of all really understand how could anyone want it, let alone more than me unless I really am a pile of garbage that no one likes. I am not trying to get anyone’s pity, I just needed to rant somewhere where someone would understand and I believe this will do. Please do the same if you feel the need to.”

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From the inbox 608

“I just wanted to thank everyone who expresses acceptance and understanding for the asexual community.
It is not an easy road to tread. It’s not as easy as just saying “I’m not interested.”

Imagine going on four years in a relationship with someone you love dearly. You enjoy everything about them, except sex. Maybe you don’t even like kissing. But you’re great at pretending that you do like it, and each day is a struggle to keep pretending because at this point, if you be yourself… you will lose your best friend and partner forever.
When you hit puberty with all your friends, you heard them tell stories about being afraid to tell their parents about their true sexual Identity, and you listened to their tales of forbidden love with wide eyes. But you had no stories… because you never felt that way towards anyone. Ever. And it never really occurred to you before. And suddenly, the world seems like a very lonely place.
I fought with myself for my entire adolescent life about how I should be a sexual person, because I knew I needed that closeness that can only come from a romantic relationship. Now, at 26, I deal with sex because I love my partner, and I know it is a need of theirs.
But I once felt so broken that I almost made a decision that I couldn’t take back. I felt so alone.
When I found out about Facebook pages and websites dedicated to asexuality, for the first time in my life, I felt like I don’t have to go through this alone.
So, again… thank you.”

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From the inbox 603

“Gotta say I just recently came ​to understand that I am asexual, despite being well past the experimental years of sexuality. I’m going you’ll keep this anonymous because my husband might since across it.

For years I’ve thought maybe I was bisexual because my romantic attractions seemed to fluctuate so much. Attraction to both genders seemed equal when it happened.

But I never cared about sex. All of my peers were talking about it like it was oxygen and I couldn’t understand why. My husband is the same way. He could go for sex multiple times a day. I couldn’t care less.

I’ve been married over 10 years now and lately it’s causing a lot of conflict. He seems to think it’s a personal slight when I act disinterested in sex. I’ve tried to be involved in it before, and it just made it worse for me. I feel awful because we’re at such odds with this but we can’t just split and move on.

I’m feeling so very lonely because I don’t know any other folks like me, and my husband seems to think I’m just not attracted to him no matter how many times I explain it’s a lack of attraction to anything sexual with anyone.

Living in the stranglehold red states doesn’t help much either, as most of the time anything beyond gay/lesbian or straight is an empty space…”

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From the inbox 589

“Hello,

I have just recently got into a relationship. I had to explain to my boyfriend that I am a sex-repulsed asexual; he didn’t understand it back then, but I am very thankful that he respects me whenever we would get intimate (but never had sex). He stops when I would say ‘no’ or when I look uncomfortable. He’s a sexual person, I am not. Though I don’t want him to feel bad or that it’s always him that has to give way to me. I would also like to give way to him. Though I get very uncomfortable when it comes to sex.

Thoughts?”

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From the inbox #551

“hello hi it’s been a while since last i sent something, but i’ve been seeing a rash of rather posts (as in, posts that made me feel and not actually bad posts or anything, haha) and wanted to send something in anonymously in the positive! background: i identify as a nb (she/her) pan ace who is indifferent to sex.
i’ve been seeing a guy since late october and it’s been a surprisingly great experience. he knew that i was ace because we’d known each other for a little less than a year prior and were close friends for at least five months before we started dating. at the very start (as in, literally an hour before our first date), he very openly asked me what it would mean for the relationship since he didn’t identify as ace, and we had a decently long conversation about how we wanted to set boundaries. once, he tried to initiate something that i wasn’t comfortable with and immediately expressed discomfort in, so now he constantly checks in when we’re together (mostly things like “is it okay if i do this” and waiting for me to nod or shake my head before deciding what to do) and while that seems like something that most people should do, it just feels really nice that he would take how i feel into consideration rather than just doing what he wants to and then asking for forgiveness. i don’t know; i thought i would have to spend my entire time in a relationship telling someone to slow down or stop, but i’m somehow in this incredibly comfortable situation in which everything that happens is due to a mutual agreement or understanding and i just wanted to say that i hope anyone who is searching for a relationship has the same amount of luck as i do.”

From the inbox #469

“So anyone here who’s sex repulsed dating a person with a high sex drive? My s/o knows I’m ace and is okay not having sex in a relationship but I can’t help but doubt that’s true or not.”

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From the inbox #458

I’m in a very loving and committed relationship (it’s actually our one-year anniversary today!) with someone who fully understands and accepts my identity. Since I’m gray, I’m sometimes able to have sexual relations and actually enjoy them (being with this person is how I fully realized my identity because the attraction I feel here really is different). However, I go through phases. Sometimes, I’m very able and willing and wanting to have sex. Other times I can barely be touched without my brain sending DO NOT WANT REJECT AT ALL COSTS signals. Again, I want to emphasize how understanding and affirming my partner is. They will not do anything I do want want, has read about asexuality, asks me questions, and never forces me to be an educator. However, they are allosexual and there is some aspect of the relationship that they want that sometimes I can’t provide. We encourage honest communication with each other, and they have admitted to me that at times when I’m unable to feel any sexual attraction whatsoever, even though they do understand, there is a sense of rejection that weighs on them physically and emotionally. They try not to bring it up because they want to support me, but I hate seeing them so sad. Has anyone been in this situation? How can I help them not feel rejected and loved and affirmed without doing something my body 100% does not want to do at times?”

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From the inbox #421

“I have a friend whom I’ve grown close to lately and is one of the few people that I am currently out to about being both ace and aro. They are allo, and has recently asked me if I would be willing to enter into something similar or along the lines of a QPR with them. This sort of thing has never happened to me before and I’ve only just recently learned that it is possible to have meaningful relationships without sex or romance and some of the concepts are still confusing to me. They claimed that they would be willing to give up sex for me, which makes me feel sort of guilty because I don’t feel like I should put them in a position where they feel that they need to sacrifice anything like that for me. Is it even necessary? I mean if we’re essentially just really emotionally close friends, is it inherently required that we be committed to each other in THAT sort of way? I feel like they should be allowed to live for their own needs too. I’m really confused.”

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From the inbox #392

“Howdy. Ive found myself in quite a situation, and i was wondering if you could help? It pertains to me (a fellow ace) and a girl ive had feelings for. She demands too much romantically and sexually and i feel trapped. So i had cut communication with her, and had left. I hear shes heartbroken, but i cant bring myself to go back.”

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From the inbox #390

“So, I’ve been loitering here for a while, but this is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to ask advice. This is a bit of a brain dump, so bear with me? I identify as ace and grey-aro, and I told my boyfriend this the other week. It took me a long time to find the courage. We’ve been dating about 2 months, and there’s always been that feeling of awkwardness, I guess? I thought it would go away when I told him, but it hasn’t. I don’t think he really got it at all. It doesn’t help that he lives far away, so we don’t see each other that often and when we do I find myself making excuses. I’m fairly introverted, and I find some people much more exhausting than others, and it’s awful, but he’s one of them. I feel terrible, because everyone tells me how great of a couple we are, and how they were certain we were perfect for each other, and I do like him, but… I don’t know, it just feels off? And I’ve tried to have this conversation, but I can’t get the words out. All I want is someone I can watch crap telly with, talk about geeky things with, and laugh with. Maybe a snuggle or two, but anything more is kinda, meh? And he doesn’t get that. I don’t know what to do. Is this weird uncomfortableness normal? Should I be worried about it? How do I make this work if I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’m fairly certain I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m lost. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially him, but I just felt so much better when I was single. Is that terrible of me?
Sorry for the stream of thought. Any advice would be much appreciated!”

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