From the inbox #791

TW: Rape, abuse, slurs, invalidation

“I first realised I was asexual at the age of 16, the whole time before then I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. Discovering the term asexual and being able to relate took a whole load off of my shoulders. I finally understood why I wasn’t interested in people and I was happy.

Sadly, that happiness didn’t last long. After a few months I decided to tell my mum, who pretty much just rolled her eyes and went on a tangent on how there is only straight or gay people and to stop making crap up.

I was disheartened, but not surprised by her reaction. So, I decided to tell my dad(who is a biromantic homosexual) thinking he’d totally get it. No. The first thing he did was laugh, say that’s what plants do. I decided to show him a simple description for him and he was silent for a few minutes. After a while he turned to me and said, “Don’t be stupid, Nise-apotamus. You just haven’t met anyone yet, you’re still a baby. I know! Alan and I will take you to a gay bar and find you a nice butch lesbo to bunk up with.” I was honestly gobsmacked. I told him I didn’t want to, that I’m not a lesbian. He laughed again and said, “You won’t know until you try.” I stopped talking to him for a few months after that.

Next up was my eldest sister. I used to tell her everything. Her response was just, “Why don’t you just date that guy Matt that has been crushing on you for three years. That’ll probably fix you.”

After those three responses, I thought maybe they were right and I was wrong, so I decided to go on a date with Matt. However, I learned that no, I wasn’t wrong, they were. I hated being touched, kissed, etc. I couldn’t even say I loved him, because I didn’t. So, I broke it off. Luckily, Matt understood, even thanked me for being honest.

When I was 19 I managed to secure my first full time job. It started off great. My mum and siblings worked there with me so I wasn’t completely alone and it made it easier for me to make friends.
About six months in, I learned that another Matt liked me, however this one was 30 years old. I kept telling him I was interested, just wanted to be friends, etc. he couldn’t accept that, kept persisting. My sister once again said maybe he could fix me, and again I relented. It was okay at first, he’d just swing by for dinner with me and my family, we’d go for a walk, but otherwise we only ever hung out at work.
One day, I thought, he always comes to my place for dinner, maybe it’s my turn to go to his place for a simple dinner. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
He made dinner, then decided to go out with friends, leaving me alone in his apartment. I watched Supernatural the whole time, until I fell asleep.
I was woken by him stumbling in drunk, and then climbing into the bed next to me. Started saying he heard from my mum that I was asexual, but it was obvious I was just scared and that he’d be happy to help me overcome my fear.
I said no, I’m not interested in sex. He didn’t listen and forced me to do various sexual activities. He fell asleep soon after, but I was wide awake, crying. I texted my friend in America and she told me to get out, to go home. So I did.

I broke up with him the next day, that I didn’t want him to come to our house anymore. He was confused, but agreed. A few weeks later three rumours spread about me at work. 1. I am frigid. 2. I’m a slut. 3. I’m a lesbian.
Work proceeded to get harder for me, everyone was talking behind my back. Matt also started to follow me around at work, even sat next to me when we worked in two different departments. He used to gossip about me to one of the girls in my department right in front of me. Even told her he was in love with me.
I reported him to my manager who told me he couldn’t do anything in case it’s work related, but he can if it was during a break.
Manager never helped, soon he heard the rumours and I was forced to tell him about being asexual and that Matt wasn’t handling the break up well. You know what happened? I was fired for being a was going to believe the teenager over the 30 year old cis that had been working there longer?
Six months after that, I got a text from Matt at 4am saying that he still loved me and wanted to help me. He even went as far as buying a car just to drive my mum home from work so he could see me.

When I was 22′ I was gang r*ped by a 4 people- 3 male and 1 female claiming I just needed a good fuck.

At 25 when I went overseas to visit a friend, I was beat up for trying to invade queer spaces.

At 27 I was called a snowflake and told to kill myself by a drag queen who didn’t believe in Asexuals at a Pride march.

I am now 28, I’m Demigender, I’m panromantic, and I’m still Ace, and I am going to keep fighting for visibility and equal rights.

Aces are discriminated against, we are shunned, and mistreated. We face corrective r*pe, abuse, and harassment. I will keep fighting and I will not back down.”

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From the inbox #715

“CW mentions of rape, child rape,

So ok, lately after reading more and interacting more with the ace community I’m starting to think I might actually be ace. The reason I’m confused is because I have had sex, a lot, and there have been plenty of times I’ve enjoyed it. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago I was reminded that hypersexuality is a symptom of mental health problems. Seeing as I suffer from being raped once when I was about 5, and again when I was 22 more things have been calling into place. Virtually everytime I’ve had sex it felt like a compulsion and i feel like I’ve confused this “compulsion” with “attraction”.

I’m not saying my trauma made me ace, instead I think my trauma made it harder for me to realize I was ace. There are a lot of other little things that have me questioning myself and whether or not I fall on the ace spec. Just the fact that I can’t explain what attraction feels like, or that I don’t feel that draw I guess makes me wonder.

It’d be nice to hear other people’s perspectives on this as I don’t have anywhere else to ask .

Sorry for the bluntness”

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From the inbox #710

TW: Rape

“I’m having a lot of issues coping right now and going through waves of emotion. Sometimes I’m numb and other times I’m having a breakdown. This has sexual assault involved so if that’s sensitive to anyone, please don’t read.

Everyone I know knows I’m asexual. That I don’t want to have sex ever again. I’m in a platonic relationship, it’s the best I’ve ever been in. I’m super happy.

But the other night I was having some drinks with my friend. We both identify as female. One minute, everything’s fine. We’re having those drunk conversations where you start to cry over dumb things. And then suddenly she was touching me. She knows how I am, she’s a close friend, and she was touching me. I was in so much shock I did nothing. My body moved with it. I’m so ANGRY that I didn’t push her off. I’m so upset at myself. I’m so frustrated. I’m so ashamed. It escalated and I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. But because she was drunk too she took it as consent. I bled a lot. It was on my legs and hands and I just… god.

I know it’s not detailed. Maybe I sound detached. But I am. I’m not feeling good and I’m not in a good headspace.

I’m getting emotional over this which is good. I need to feel it a little bit. I’m so scared. How do I tell the person I’m in my platonic relationship with? I didn’t want it. I didn’t. I started crying hysterically after. I’m in pain and absolutely destroyed by this. But I can’t lose my partner over this. I don’t know how to cope. I guess that was the question. What do I do? I feel really sick.

I need this to be anonymous, I don’t know how this works. But. I need to keep myself safe.”

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From the inbox #667

CW: Sexual talk, mentioning of rape

“Hello, I identify as Autochorissexual. As a result I am a proud virgin. My entire life I have been 100% repulsed by any form of sexual behaviour, and am not attracted to the human body, although I do experience arousal through specific obscure fantasies. I recently met an amazing person who has identical fantasies, but as I learned is very obsessed with sex. I thought I could be what she needs as I assumed the fantasies could be enough to help me achieve orgasm. However each attempt at a sexual act upon me, regardless of the adequate fantasy outcomes felt like the worst experience I’ve ever had. Despite consent, I felt violated, filthy and embarassed. I never achieved orgasm, and all I wanted was for them to leave. I felt like no amount of showers could erase the memories that bring me fear and sadness resulting from that night. I never wanted those experiences, but now they haunt me. I am unsure of what to say if my partner wishes to try again, because I know I will never be what she needs. I’m not ashamed to be Asexual, but the truth of what I cannot be for others is what weighs me down. I have nobody that understands my position and feelings. So therefore nobody to turn to. What do I say if she wants to try again? How do I convince the poor woman that it was not her fault? Am I crazy?”

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From the inbox #651

“CW: Rape, corrective Rape, Aphobia, exclusionists, swearing, insulting, invalidation of asexuality.

This is a real all-rounder on when, where and why asexuals are FALSELY excluded and busts many aphobic arguments.
It’s full of resources once you scrolled past the aphobic reblogs.”

Link

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From the inbox #640

TW: Rape, abuse, acephobia

“I’ve seen some similar things on your page lately, but I read an article tonight about how people generally blame the victims of sexual violence for the crime because if they hadn’t said “no” or had “just been nicer” things wouldn’t have gone that far. I see that so much with the “you’re just ace because you were raped” when really I was raped because I was ace. Because I said “no”. Because that man decided my sexuality wasn’t valid and took it from me. And when people turn it around like that, it invalidates both my sexuality and the trauma I endured. I just don’t know how to set people right. I want them to understand how dangerous the erasure of asexuality can be. They want to pretend it doesn’t exist while simultaneously using it to say my trauma was my own fault.”

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From the inbox #638

TW: Rape

CONTENT WARNING: sexual violence: Hello! I work at a rape crisis center and am wondering if anyone has any information on Ace survivors ( either stats, credible websites, etc.) I too am ace, but have no idea where to start with this. Thanks so much!

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From the inbox 628

TW: Mentioning of rape

“My partner and I have been together 10 years. No kids. I’ve been identifying with the asexual label for a year or two. Two years ago, I joined a martial arts club that broke me out of a depressed rut. My partner and I have been arguing a lot for the past year. More than we had in the previous 9 years. We had talked about having an open relationship in the past and last year my partner found someone else that he clicked with and at whirlwind speed she had also moved in. I started anti-anxiety meds that are amazing. 2016 has been rough, bewildering, and full of changes.

I’m a sexually active woman who hasn’t been interested in sex in years. Touching, caressing, and cuddling were always better than the hot and sweaty parts, but I enjoyed the sex too. I don’t mind making my partner happy, but achieving orgasm hasn’t been on my personal agenda. When I was younger, I was keenly interested in BDSM and fantasizing about bondage and rape was paramount for me to achieve orgasm, whether I was masturbating or copulating. About five years ago though, my libido sunk through the floorboards. In addition, I’ve become more aware of the realities around rape and abuse… and while I am aware of healthy, consensual BDSM practices, I can’t fantasize about it anymore and still have a positive self-image. It’s been difficult to figure out how much of that was biological (would my libido come back?), psychological (was I scared of my libido coming back?), and personal preference (would I be upset if my libido never came back? No.).

My partner has a very high libido and would like to be more sexually active than he is. His girlfriend, who lives with us, is a trans-woman who had never been sexually active before and had practical difficulties with sex. My partner learned more about consent during their first month together than he and I had ever talked about ever. I was figuring out how to stand up for myself in our relationship and he was figuring out his own preferences and how much of our previous relationship had felt more like bullying than calm discussion and that led to our first major heated fight and made me feel like a rapist. Let me tell you, that does not feel good. And it certainly illustrated how poor our communication had been for our first 9 years together. We almost broke up.

Now, I feel that we are stronger and we communicate more and in healthier ways. It may be counterintuitive, but opening our relationship helped to make that happen. Our roommate, my partner’s girlfriend, has been patient, logical, and has encouraged us to talk about our issues. She has come to the conclusion that she doesn’t care much for sex. So my partner is now trying to find a sexual partner online, with our blessings.

This sort of relationship was so far from being imaginable 10 years ago, that I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe half of it back then. It’s still evolving and we’re all still learning.”

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From the inbox 594

TW: Rape

“How does one shake the feeling of being obligated to give physical intimacy to someone? I’ve never fully felt physical attraction and have never fully understood it, but I’ve been in relationships and situations where I felt that I owed it to them. And after having been manipulated and even raped it feels like that idea has been validated. Does anyone else feel that way or found a way to stop feeling it?”

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From the inbox 566

TW: Mentioning of rape

“I’m not exactly sure how to explain this… I don’t know of anyone else who feels this way… I identify as a Demiromantic Demisexual who is sex-repulsed. But this one thing, I can’t identify at all… All I know is that when I either think of a certain something or try a certain something, things get bad for me emotionally… When I try to make love with my partner (the only who seems to be immune to my sex-repulsion) I can’t even reach my first orgasm without having to push them off then rolling over and curling into a ball while sobbing uncontrollably. And if I even try to imagine having making love with someone else, the closing thing I can use to describe the feeling is rape, but I have never been raped so I don’t even know. I’ve never been assaulted or anything of the sort. I have no idea why this happens or why I feel this way… I don’t exactly know who to ask or talk to either… I’m hoping someone can help me or at least point me in the right direction.”

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