From the inbox #635

“Hi (sorry this is long), i’m just a little confused and I guess I would like other people’s input on this because I never get a chance to talk about this with anyone. I am most certainly asexual, no doubt about that, and I am pretty sure I am aromantic as well. I have had one close call, but i’ve never been in an official relationship before. I would like to try dating at least once because i’m curious, but I feel like the feelings I would have would be just super platonic mixed with finding someone aestheically beautiful. I feel like the chances of me finding someone who is also ace and aro is so slim. I guess I’m just second-guessing labelling myself as aromantic because the daydreamy part of me still wants this unrealistic perfect relationship and because of that I guess I still try to convince myself that I have romantic feelings somewhere, but I know that in reality I don’t do romance, and hearing about other people’s romantic relationships just puts me off. I enjoy when people that I find aesthetically beautiful compliment me and give me emotional attention, so I think i’m confusing that feeling of wanting them to appriciate me with genuine romantic attraction, but i’m so second-guessy that I don’t feel confident labelling myself. Any advice? And can aromantic people still be in relationships with romantic people but just experience different feelings?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #632

“My sister is only 15 and so the types of relationship don’t make much sense to her at all. She only really knows the whole “I like you” part but not the ways you can be attracted to someone. I want to be able to explain it to her since makes comments sometimes about how she thought she liked girls and normally prefers them but is dating a boy and it confuses her a little. She’s shrugging it off as being ‘Bi-lesbian’. But no matter what she identifies as I feel like she could always benefit from being able to tell the difference. So ANY advice on how to explain the difference would be appreciated. Right now she thinks there is “Liking someone” or “Being friends”. That romantic relationships are just being friends with them. As a Demisexual Panromatic person I found never being taught the difference to be very damaging and isolating for me. It caused years of unnecessary pain and confusion, doubts and “I’m broken” type thoughts. I don’t want to chance that with my baby sister. She can be anything and my family will love her all the same. I just want to give her the information in a way she understands, so she can be more sure of herself.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 615

“I’m engaged to a fellow Ace whom I love very much. However I’ve been thinking of asking for a QPR with a close (single) friend of mine who knows I’m engaged, but I don’t know if it’s considered cheating, and I’m scared of offending either party so I’ve said nothing. Hoping for some advice before I say anything to anyone or ruin any current relationships. Thanks.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 584

“hey- so im in a bit of a weird situation and im not sure who to ask about this…
i just broke up with my gf and the main reason she cited was that she thinks she may have had more of a squish than a crush on me when she thought about it. were on good terms now, and im wondering if i might want to be in a qpr with her instead, but i feel like that might be weird for me to ask her. thoughts?”

Here is the reply

From the inbox #546

“There are no resources for leaving your queerplatonic partner. I love them completely, but I just don’t like my life with another person. It’s not the same as a romantic relationship. I don’t know what to do and have no one to talk to. How do you leave someone just because you want to be by yourself? I don’t know if that’s valid. I don’t think it’s worse seriously disrupting their life.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #521

“This is probably just whining but nobody I try to discuss this with understands. A loved one of mine recently started seeing somebody; they’re sexually active and I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. This is a very close friend of mine, and I guess my feelings for them are…queerplatonic, might be the term? Idk. Ideally I’d love to be “single together” with somebody, just a companion so we both have somebody to live life with using the buddy system. I’m explaining myself very poorly. Basically, I’m jealous because their partner is able to offer them things that I just do not have the wiring for. I love deeply, but not in the right way. 😐 I can not offer “enough” to make somebody else happy as their primary relationship. This has happened before with another friend, and we’re still close, but the old level of intimacy is gone. And the phrase “just friends” gets under my skin, because it devalues the highest level of bonding that I can reach. Arbitrary hierarchy.

IDK, I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of a lifetime of being pushed to the side by the people I love most for others who can offer the whole package. Anybody ever feel the same way? How do you deal with it or channel it into something constructive? Thanks for reading, I swear I’m not usually this melodramatic. 🙂

Here are the replies

From the inbox #512

“So i’m not sure what to do. Very recently, I came to terms with being asexual but I’m lonely and still would like to be in a relationship with someone. I’ve tried apps like tinder and bumble but I feel bad about potentially leading guys on because I don’t want to really ever sleep with them. On top of that i’m usually uncomfortable with most romantic advances so finding someone I might be interested in dating is difficult. I don’t want to end up alone forever but after realizing I was asexual, it kind of feels like it’ll end up that way. None of my friends know about this and I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this yet. When is the right time to tell a person who might be interested in you that you’re asexual? How do you even go about doing that without hurting the chance of a relationship with them? Is it something that you would mention in your bio, on a first date, a few dates down the line, or later? I could really use some advice. Thanks.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #481

“I thought i found my forever person. Im an asexual female and he is a gay male. We were friends in highschool but eventually fell apart for a few years. And almost three years ago got reacquainted. At the time both of us re connected easily because we needed each other emotionally. He had just moved back into town after a two year relationship went bad. I was stuck in time afraid of the world and afraid to feel emotions, i barely left the house. We helped each other alot. Eventually we decided we’d be life partners, because he was emotionally unavailable in the romantic department, and i don’t date, don’t do romantic connections at all. Basically our friendship took over for any relationships we weren’t willing to have, filled in the empty spots. It was like dating with out anything romantic involved, strictly platonic. It worked for us. We were each others person. When not busy with life commitments like work, we were together. We lived a 3 minute car ride apart, only 15 mins if walking. We both changed with each others help, became better. But i don’t know what to do now because i don’t know the protocol. I knew i wouldn’t have him to myself forever, knew eventually hed get back out there and be ready to date again.. Have the kinda relationship he desires. But i feel so abandoned. He’s moving 25 minutes away with a friend he’s known for 2 months. He’s constantly pushing me aside for this friend. I know he likes him also know that its not mutual.. I think I’d feel less hurt about being ditched if there was mutual feelings between them, if i knew i (someone who cares for him and his feelings) wasn’t being pushed aside for someone who doesn’t care in the slightest. All i know is i feel more alone than ever and i just don’t know if im missing something here, is there something im maybe not understanding?? Anyone else have experience with anything remotely close?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #470

“Hi. Okay, so I’m super discouraged right now and I need advice from people who actually understand asexuality. Obviously I identify as Asexual, but I want a relationship, not like a normal one, just someone to spend my life with and go on amazing adventures with and still consider it dating. Everything is so sexualized now that I feel like it’s completely impossible to find someone that wants the same thing as me. I’m okay with things like kissing, hand holding and cuddling every now and then, it’s just the sex part that gets to me. I hate feeling like I’ll forever be alone. Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m Asexual and sex repulsed, I feel like life would be so much easier if I wasn’t. Anyways, thanks for listening😊

Here are the replies

From the inbox #459

“I’ve been wanting to send this message for a long time, but never got to do it until now. I’m 20 and I need help in determining what I am in terms of sexuality. I’m really confused–I like watching, reading etc. romantic works but I couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship. When someone shows interest in me, I get really nervous and end up with two options: to fight or flee. But I do know for myself that I also want to have someone who can understand and talk to me, and be there for me. I want to have a deep, loving connection with another person. I could imagine myself holding hands with that him/her, or hugging and, okay, maybe kissing, but not have sex. Sex is.. I understand couples do that but I couldn’t imagine doing it! I mean, why would I want to stick someone’s body part inside me, and vice versa? Isn’t that guy’s d too big to ram in that small hole? And where is that girl putting her mouth into, for goodness’ sake? What about the germs that I might get from that (wait, do we get germs from sex? Lol I have no idea 😂). I do have people whom I find attractive, but I was never sexually attracted to them. I don’t get it.

But I don’t get myself either, because some rare times I do think that it might be okay to do it when I truly love the person. But most of the time it just grosses me out. I don’t have anything against those who do it though. I just don’t see myself doing it (if not very rarely).

Platonic relationships are very beautiful in my eyes. Just knowing that you love and care for that person, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them without having sex (or just doing it rarely?) sounds like the ideal relationship to me. I want to do lots of things with that person–travel, try out new hobbies and simply engaging in deep conversations about life and other philosophical topics. I think I’m either asexual or demisexual, or somewhere in between. But is it possible that I’m not within these two categories, but somewhere else? I hope you would be able to answer me. I want to know as well so I could say it loud and proud!”

Here are the replies