From the inbox #546

“There are no resources for leaving your queerplatonic partner. I love them completely, but I just don’t like my life with another person. It’s not the same as a romantic relationship. I don’t know what to do and have no one to talk to. How do you leave someone just because you want to be by yourself? I don’t know if that’s valid. I don’t think it’s worse seriously disrupting their life.”

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From the inbox #521

“This is probably just whining but nobody I try to discuss this with understands. A loved one of mine recently started seeing somebody; they’re sexually active and I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. This is a very close friend of mine, and I guess my feelings for them are…queerplatonic, might be the term? Idk. Ideally I’d love to be “single together” with somebody, just a companion so we both have somebody to live life with using the buddy system. I’m explaining myself very poorly. Basically, I’m jealous because their partner is able to offer them things that I just do not have the wiring for. I love deeply, but not in the right way. 😐 I can not offer “enough” to make somebody else happy as their primary relationship. This has happened before with another friend, and we’re still close, but the old level of intimacy is gone. And the phrase “just friends” gets under my skin, because it devalues the highest level of bonding that I can reach. Arbitrary hierarchy.

IDK, I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of a lifetime of being pushed to the side by the people I love most for others who can offer the whole package. Anybody ever feel the same way? How do you deal with it or channel it into something constructive? Thanks for reading, I swear I’m not usually this melodramatic. 🙂

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From the inbox #512

“So i’m not sure what to do. Very recently, I came to terms with being asexual but I’m lonely and still would like to be in a relationship with someone. I’ve tried apps like tinder and bumble but I feel bad about potentially leading guys on because I don’t want to really ever sleep with them. On top of that i’m usually uncomfortable with most romantic advances so finding someone I might be interested in dating is difficult. I don’t want to end up alone forever but after realizing I was asexual, it kind of feels like it’ll end up that way. None of my friends know about this and I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this yet. When is the right time to tell a person who might be interested in you that you’re asexual? How do you even go about doing that without hurting the chance of a relationship with them? Is it something that you would mention in your bio, on a first date, a few dates down the line, or later? I could really use some advice. Thanks.”

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From the inbox #481

“I thought i found my forever person. Im an asexual female and he is a gay male. We were friends in highschool but eventually fell apart for a few years. And almost three years ago got reacquainted. At the time both of us re connected easily because we needed each other emotionally. He had just moved back into town after a two year relationship went bad. I was stuck in time afraid of the world and afraid to feel emotions, i barely left the house. We helped each other alot. Eventually we decided we’d be life partners, because he was emotionally unavailable in the romantic department, and i don’t date, don’t do romantic connections at all. Basically our friendship took over for any relationships we weren’t willing to have, filled in the empty spots. It was like dating with out anything romantic involved, strictly platonic. It worked for us. We were each others person. When not busy with life commitments like work, we were together. We lived a 3 minute car ride apart, only 15 mins if walking. We both changed with each others help, became better. But i don’t know what to do now because i don’t know the protocol. I knew i wouldn’t have him to myself forever, knew eventually hed get back out there and be ready to date again.. Have the kinda relationship he desires. But i feel so abandoned. He’s moving 25 minutes away with a friend he’s known for 2 months. He’s constantly pushing me aside for this friend. I know he likes him also know that its not mutual.. I think I’d feel less hurt about being ditched if there was mutual feelings between them, if i knew i (someone who cares for him and his feelings) wasn’t being pushed aside for someone who doesn’t care in the slightest. All i know is i feel more alone than ever and i just don’t know if im missing something here, is there something im maybe not understanding?? Anyone else have experience with anything remotely close?”

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From the inbox #470

“Hi. Okay, so I’m super discouraged right now and I need advice from people who actually understand asexuality. Obviously I identify as Asexual, but I want a relationship, not like a normal one, just someone to spend my life with and go on amazing adventures with and still consider it dating. Everything is so sexualized now that I feel like it’s completely impossible to find someone that wants the same thing as me. I’m okay with things like kissing, hand holding and cuddling every now and then, it’s just the sex part that gets to me. I hate feeling like I’ll forever be alone. Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m Asexual and sex repulsed, I feel like life would be so much easier if I wasn’t. Anyways, thanks for listening😊

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From the inbox #459

“I’ve been wanting to send this message for a long time, but never got to do it until now. I’m 20 and I need help in determining what I am in terms of sexuality. I’m really confused–I like watching, reading etc. romantic works but I couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship. When someone shows interest in me, I get really nervous and end up with two options: to fight or flee. But I do know for myself that I also want to have someone who can understand and talk to me, and be there for me. I want to have a deep, loving connection with another person. I could imagine myself holding hands with that him/her, or hugging and, okay, maybe kissing, but not have sex. Sex is.. I understand couples do that but I couldn’t imagine doing it! I mean, why would I want to stick someone’s body part inside me, and vice versa? Isn’t that guy’s d too big to ram in that small hole? And where is that girl putting her mouth into, for goodness’ sake? What about the germs that I might get from that (wait, do we get germs from sex? Lol I have no idea 😂). I do have people whom I find attractive, but I was never sexually attracted to them. I don’t get it.

But I don’t get myself either, because some rare times I do think that it might be okay to do it when I truly love the person. But most of the time it just grosses me out. I don’t have anything against those who do it though. I just don’t see myself doing it (if not very rarely).

Platonic relationships are very beautiful in my eyes. Just knowing that you love and care for that person, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them without having sex (or just doing it rarely?) sounds like the ideal relationship to me. I want to do lots of things with that person–travel, try out new hobbies and simply engaging in deep conversations about life and other philosophical topics. I think I’m either asexual or demisexual, or somewhere in between. But is it possible that I’m not within these two categories, but somewhere else? I hope you would be able to answer me. I want to know as well so I could say it loud and proud!”

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From the inbox #447

“I’m a biromantic ace female – I thought I was straight when I was younger, but since then I’ve had a few crushes on girls and also realized I’m asexual. I’m 26 and I’ve never dated. Part of my mind is hyper-romantic (I’ve had strong crushes on people and I also enjoy writing romance) but on the other hand I am terrified of people showing romantically interest in me (possibly because I assume there’s sexual interest involved, maybe also because “Mr./Ms. Right” hasn’t shown up yet). I also don’t feel particularly interested in having a partner right now – relationships are complicated, and I like living on my own with my cat. I really like being independent. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out because I don’t have a partner and I’m not even trying to date… Can anyone relate?

I see so many people my age pairing off and having babies, and even though I don’t want that right now (or maybe ever), I feel like I’m missing out and it makes me sad sometimes.”

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From the inbox #445

“I found out I was asexual 2years ago. I have never been any relationship and I am really happy that way. But sometimes I do think about having someone who can understand me as I am. The one person who’s just like me and understands me but that’s almost impossible. I am almost asking for an unrealistic reality that will never happen lol Anyway have any of you guys found your ideal relationship?”

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From the inbox #421

“I have a friend whom I’ve grown close to lately and is one of the few people that I am currently out to about being both ace and aro. They are allo, and has recently asked me if I would be willing to enter into something similar or along the lines of a QPR with them. This sort of thing has never happened to me before and I’ve only just recently learned that it is possible to have meaningful relationships without sex or romance and some of the concepts are still confusing to me. They claimed that they would be willing to give up sex for me, which makes me feel sort of guilty because I don’t feel like I should put them in a position where they feel that they need to sacrifice anything like that for me. Is it even necessary? I mean if we’re essentially just really emotionally close friends, is it inherently required that we be committed to each other in THAT sort of way? I feel like they should be allowed to live for their own needs too. I’m really confused.”

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From the inbox #406

“So I’m very close with a guy and happily enough it’s just cuddling which I’m very content with I would like to date him but he has a girlfriend who is aware that it’s nothing sexual I’m just cuddly and that he does care but I still find myself wanting to be reassured that I’m pretty and I’m not sure why I know it’s generally wrong to want someone’s boy friend to do that but I’ve been close friends for almost a year and sometimes I feel that by not being a sexual person I could lose his affection and care, I was wondering if there’s any strategies to reassure yourself that it’s not the case of ways to tell if it is ?”

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