“I’ve always thought the perfect relationship for me would be semi-polygamous. I’d have a boyfriend that I shared an emotional bond with, and he’d have a second girlfriend who he solely slept with and she and I were close friends.
Is that weird? I feel like it’s bizarre.”
Tag: queer-platonic relationship
From the inbox #780
“I identify as demi panromantic and I have a question. I’ve only had straight relationships and I find it really hard to be attached to people. (Trust issues and BPD kind of do that for you). But I would love to date a girl. I have no idea how to go about this though. Especially being asexual and also kind of realizing neither guys, girls or anything in between finds me interesting or attractive.
I mean, I just left a 5 year relationship and I wasn’t very happy when I fell out of love with him. But now there’s this hole in my life. I ended up meeting a girl that I get along with really well and I love her to pieces. When I met her, we hit it off like that. Wasn’t until the end of the night that I found out she was 14. (I’m 23.) I don’t get along with people my age and even in the groups and fandoms I join feel alien to everyone.
I love this girl and she’s my best friend but I can’t get it out of my mind that my feelings are wrong and sick.
So my question is this. How do I go out and try to make friends if I’m terrified of the world around me? How do I go out into the dating world when I’m scared that my sexuality will cut down my choices. (And the fact that I have never had sex before and most people who have expect it out of the people they date.)
Is it normal the way I feel about this girl? Is there something wrong with me mentally? I’m scared and I really need support and advice.”
From the inbox #742
“Hello,
I saw your post about what a squish is. I’m still fairly new to the ace world. Going on two years being openly asexual. And I wanted opinions on how to approach someone about being your squish?
As the definition stated it’s an intense feeling of attraction, liking appreciation, and/or admiration for person you usually want to get to know better and become close with. It’s different from just wanting to be friends and that there is an intensity about it and it is proportion sense of elation when they like and appreciate you back.
There have been many times in my life where I met a person or made a friend that I liked so much that I just wanted to be around them, hang out with them, and talk with them all the time. In a way that goes beyond just saying you seem cool let’s be friends. But most the time I’ve had these encounters we never even become close friends because of conflicting schedules or distance. The one time in my life this wasn’t the case was with a friend of many years and when our schedules finally matched up we quickly went from close friends, to best friends, to now being a hetero romantic asexual couple for the past year and a half.
But I digress.
In recent years I’ve made a few ace friends and there’s one in particular that I have found a kindred spirit with. They’re pretty introverted and spend most their time with family instead of friends so it’s difficult and sometimes I feel bad even attempting to ask them to do stuff and half the time I don’t even know how to ask. I just want to get to know them more but I don’t want to force them to go out, or spend money, or interact with people they don’t know either.
I also don’t want them to think it’s weird that a hetero romantic ace in a relationship has an interest in becoming squishes with an Aero ace.
Is that weird?
What should I do?”
From the inbox #733
“Where do you draw the line between someone who is just a friend and someone who is your “zucchini (someone you’re in an ace aro queer platonic relationship QPR with)”? And if you’re Demi how do those QPRs fit in with your romantic relationships? Do you feel that by having a QPR in addition to a spouse makes you non-monogamous?”
From the inbox #635
“Hi (sorry this is long), i’m just a little confused and I guess I would like other people’s input on this because I never get a chance to talk about this with anyone. I am most certainly asexual, no doubt about that, and I am pretty sure I am aromantic as well. I have had one close call, but i’ve never been in an official relationship before. I would like to try dating at least once because i’m curious, but I feel like the feelings I would have would be just super platonic mixed with finding someone aestheically beautiful. I feel like the chances of me finding someone who is also ace and aro is so slim. I guess I’m just second-guessing labelling myself as aromantic because the daydreamy part of me still wants this unrealistic perfect relationship and because of that I guess I still try to convince myself that I have romantic feelings somewhere, but I know that in reality I don’t do romance, and hearing about other people’s romantic relationships just puts me off. I enjoy when people that I find aesthetically beautiful compliment me and give me emotional attention, so I think i’m confusing that feeling of wanting them to appriciate me with genuine romantic attraction, but i’m so second-guessy that I don’t feel confident labelling myself. Any advice? And can aromantic people still be in relationships with romantic people but just experience different feelings?”
From the inbox #632
“My sister is only 15 and so the types of relationship don’t make much sense to her at all. She only really knows the whole “I like you” part but not the ways you can be attracted to someone. I want to be able to explain it to her since makes comments sometimes about how she thought she liked girls and normally prefers them but is dating a boy and it confuses her a little. She’s shrugging it off as being ‘Bi-lesbian’. But no matter what she identifies as I feel like she could always benefit from being able to tell the difference. So ANY advice on how to explain the difference would be appreciated. Right now she thinks there is “Liking someone” or “Being friends”. That romantic relationships are just being friends with them. As a Demisexual Panromatic person I found never being taught the difference to be very damaging and isolating for me. It caused years of unnecessary pain and confusion, doubts and “I’m broken” type thoughts. I don’t want to chance that with my baby sister. She can be anything and my family will love her all the same. I just want to give her the information in a way she understands, so she can be more sure of herself.”
From the inbox 615
“I’m engaged to a fellow Ace whom I love very much. However I’ve been thinking of asking for a QPR with a close (single) friend of mine who knows I’m engaged, but I don’t know if it’s considered cheating, and I’m scared of offending either party so I’ve said nothing. Hoping for some advice before I say anything to anyone or ruin any current relationships. Thanks.”
From the inbox 584
“hey- so im in a bit of a weird situation and im not sure who to ask about this…
i just broke up with my gf and the main reason she cited was that she thinks she may have had more of a squish than a crush on me when she thought about it. were on good terms now, and im wondering if i might want to be in a qpr with her instead, but i feel like that might be weird for me to ask her. thoughts?”
From the inbox #546
“There are no resources for leaving your queerplatonic partner. I love them completely, but I just don’t like my life with another person. It’s not the same as a romantic relationship. I don’t know what to do and have no one to talk to. How do you leave someone just because you want to be by yourself? I don’t know if that’s valid. I don’t think it’s worse seriously disrupting their life.”
From the inbox #521
“This is probably just whining but nobody I try to discuss this with understands. A loved one of mine recently started seeing somebody; they’re sexually active and I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. This is a very close friend of mine, and I guess my feelings for them are…queerplatonic, might be the term? Idk. Ideally I’d love to be “single together” with somebody, just a companion so we both have somebody to live life with using the buddy system. I’m explaining myself very poorly. Basically, I’m jealous because their partner is able to offer them things that I just do not have the wiring for. I love deeply, but not in the right way. 😐 I can not offer “enough” to make somebody else happy as their primary relationship. This has happened before with another friend, and we’re still close, but the old level of intimacy is gone. And the phrase “just friends” gets under my skin, because it devalues the highest level of bonding that I can reach. Arbitrary hierarchy.
IDK, I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of a lifetime of being pushed to the side by the people I love most for others who can offer the whole package. Anybody ever feel the same way? How do you deal with it or channel it into something constructive? Thanks for reading, I swear I’m not usually this melodramatic. 🙂”