From the inbox #742

“Hello,
I saw your post about what a squish is. I’m still fairly new to the ace world. Going on two years being openly asexual. And I wanted opinions on how to approach someone about being your squish?

As the definition stated it’s an intense feeling of attraction, liking appreciation, and/or admiration for person you usually want to get to know better and become close with. It’s different from just wanting to be friends and that there is an intensity about it and it is proportion sense of elation when they like and appreciate you back.

There have been many times in my life where I met a person or made a friend that I liked so much that I just wanted to be around them, hang out with them, and talk with them all the time. In a way that goes beyond just saying you seem cool let’s be friends. But most the time I’ve had these encounters we never even become close friends because of conflicting schedules or distance. The one time in my life this wasn’t the case was with a friend of many years and when our schedules finally matched up we quickly went from close friends, to best friends, to now being a hetero romantic asexual couple for the past year and a half.

But I digress.
In recent years I’ve made a few ace friends and there’s one in particular that I have found a kindred spirit with. They’re pretty introverted and spend most their time with family instead of friends so it’s difficult and sometimes I feel bad even attempting to ask them to do stuff and half the time I don’t even know how to ask. I just want to get to know them more but I don’t want to force them to go out, or spend money, or interact with people they don’t know either.
I also don’t want them to think it’s weird that a hetero romantic ace in a relationship has an interest in becoming squishes with an Aero ace.

Is that weird?
What should I do?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #733

“Where do you draw the line between someone who is just a friend and someone who is your “zucchini (someone you’re in an ace aro queer platonic relationship QPR with)”? And if you’re Demi how do those QPRs fit in with your romantic relationships? Do you feel that by having a QPR in addition to a spouse makes you non-monogamous?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #635

“Hi (sorry this is long), i’m just a little confused and I guess I would like other people’s input on this because I never get a chance to talk about this with anyone. I am most certainly asexual, no doubt about that, and I am pretty sure I am aromantic as well. I have had one close call, but i’ve never been in an official relationship before. I would like to try dating at least once because i’m curious, but I feel like the feelings I would have would be just super platonic mixed with finding someone aestheically beautiful. I feel like the chances of me finding someone who is also ace and aro is so slim. I guess I’m just second-guessing labelling myself as aromantic because the daydreamy part of me still wants this unrealistic perfect relationship and because of that I guess I still try to convince myself that I have romantic feelings somewhere, but I know that in reality I don’t do romance, and hearing about other people’s romantic relationships just puts me off. I enjoy when people that I find aesthetically beautiful compliment me and give me emotional attention, so I think i’m confusing that feeling of wanting them to appriciate me with genuine romantic attraction, but i’m so second-guessy that I don’t feel confident labelling myself. Any advice? And can aromantic people still be in relationships with romantic people but just experience different feelings?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #632

“My sister is only 15 and so the types of relationship don’t make much sense to her at all. She only really knows the whole “I like you” part but not the ways you can be attracted to someone. I want to be able to explain it to her since makes comments sometimes about how she thought she liked girls and normally prefers them but is dating a boy and it confuses her a little. She’s shrugging it off as being ‘Bi-lesbian’. But no matter what she identifies as I feel like she could always benefit from being able to tell the difference. So ANY advice on how to explain the difference would be appreciated. Right now she thinks there is “Liking someone” or “Being friends”. That romantic relationships are just being friends with them. As a Demisexual Panromatic person I found never being taught the difference to be very damaging and isolating for me. It caused years of unnecessary pain and confusion, doubts and “I’m broken” type thoughts. I don’t want to chance that with my baby sister. She can be anything and my family will love her all the same. I just want to give her the information in a way she understands, so she can be more sure of herself.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 615

“I’m engaged to a fellow Ace whom I love very much. However I’ve been thinking of asking for a QPR with a close (single) friend of mine who knows I’m engaged, but I don’t know if it’s considered cheating, and I’m scared of offending either party so I’ve said nothing. Hoping for some advice before I say anything to anyone or ruin any current relationships. Thanks.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 584

“hey- so im in a bit of a weird situation and im not sure who to ask about this…
i just broke up with my gf and the main reason she cited was that she thinks she may have had more of a squish than a crush on me when she thought about it. were on good terms now, and im wondering if i might want to be in a qpr with her instead, but i feel like that might be weird for me to ask her. thoughts?”

Here is the reply

From the inbox #546

“There are no resources for leaving your queerplatonic partner. I love them completely, but I just don’t like my life with another person. It’s not the same as a romantic relationship. I don’t know what to do and have no one to talk to. How do you leave someone just because you want to be by yourself? I don’t know if that’s valid. I don’t think it’s worse seriously disrupting their life.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #521

“This is probably just whining but nobody I try to discuss this with understands. A loved one of mine recently started seeing somebody; they’re sexually active and I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. This is a very close friend of mine, and I guess my feelings for them are…queerplatonic, might be the term? Idk. Ideally I’d love to be “single together” with somebody, just a companion so we both have somebody to live life with using the buddy system. I’m explaining myself very poorly. Basically, I’m jealous because their partner is able to offer them things that I just do not have the wiring for. I love deeply, but not in the right way. 😐 I can not offer “enough” to make somebody else happy as their primary relationship. This has happened before with another friend, and we’re still close, but the old level of intimacy is gone. And the phrase “just friends” gets under my skin, because it devalues the highest level of bonding that I can reach. Arbitrary hierarchy.

IDK, I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of a lifetime of being pushed to the side by the people I love most for others who can offer the whole package. Anybody ever feel the same way? How do you deal with it or channel it into something constructive? Thanks for reading, I swear I’m not usually this melodramatic. 🙂

Here are the replies

From the inbox #512

“So i’m not sure what to do. Very recently, I came to terms with being asexual but I’m lonely and still would like to be in a relationship with someone. I’ve tried apps like tinder and bumble but I feel bad about potentially leading guys on because I don’t want to really ever sleep with them. On top of that i’m usually uncomfortable with most romantic advances so finding someone I might be interested in dating is difficult. I don’t want to end up alone forever but after realizing I was asexual, it kind of feels like it’ll end up that way. None of my friends know about this and I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this yet. When is the right time to tell a person who might be interested in you that you’re asexual? How do you even go about doing that without hurting the chance of a relationship with them? Is it something that you would mention in your bio, on a first date, a few dates down the line, or later? I could really use some advice. Thanks.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #481

“I thought i found my forever person. Im an asexual female and he is a gay male. We were friends in highschool but eventually fell apart for a few years. And almost three years ago got reacquainted. At the time both of us re connected easily because we needed each other emotionally. He had just moved back into town after a two year relationship went bad. I was stuck in time afraid of the world and afraid to feel emotions, i barely left the house. We helped each other alot. Eventually we decided we’d be life partners, because he was emotionally unavailable in the romantic department, and i don’t date, don’t do romantic connections at all. Basically our friendship took over for any relationships we weren’t willing to have, filled in the empty spots. It was like dating with out anything romantic involved, strictly platonic. It worked for us. We were each others person. When not busy with life commitments like work, we were together. We lived a 3 minute car ride apart, only 15 mins if walking. We both changed with each others help, became better. But i don’t know what to do now because i don’t know the protocol. I knew i wouldn’t have him to myself forever, knew eventually hed get back out there and be ready to date again.. Have the kinda relationship he desires. But i feel so abandoned. He’s moving 25 minutes away with a friend he’s known for 2 months. He’s constantly pushing me aside for this friend. I know he likes him also know that its not mutual.. I think I’d feel less hurt about being ditched if there was mutual feelings between them, if i knew i (someone who cares for him and his feelings) wasn’t being pushed aside for someone who doesn’t care in the slightest. All i know is i feel more alone than ever and i just don’t know if im missing something here, is there something im maybe not understanding?? Anyone else have experience with anything remotely close?”

Here are the replies