From the inbox #509

“So, please bear with me on this, i’m not sure if i’m going to explain it right. I’ve never been much of a sexual person. I always just chalked it up to a low libido. I enjoy sex when I have it, but I very very rarely have any urges to have it. I can look at a stranger and find him very attractive, but I’ve never looked at a stranger and wanted to have sex with him (does that actually happen to people just by looking at someone?) I am a very physical person in all other regards, kissing, snuggling, etc.. Just not sexually. When in a relationship, the desire does rise a little bit, but only slightly. I’ve always joked that I need to find a guy with ED in order to make a relationship work without sex very often. I guess i’m just wondering, does this make me asexual? I’ve read a bunch of things and some things make me think yes, but then others don’t quite match up. I mean, I have no problems with it if I am. It would definitely explain a lot of things. My doctor kept saying it’s just hormone imbalance but anytime I had tests done they came back normal. Either way it’s nice to know there are other people out there that don’t care about sex. Gives me hope to actually finding someone. Anyway, I hope you can help. If you have any questions that would help you give better answers, ask away. I’m an open book and have very few qualms talking about personal things.”

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From the inbox #487

TW: Abuse, sexually explicit

“Hi, I’m a 31 yo (former?) hetero woman. I don’t believe I’m asexual, as I have experienced attraction and used to enjoy sex prior to a couple years ago. I’ve been divorced a little over a year and I’ve been celibate almost 2 years. I think I’m just not interested anymore. My ex had erectile issues occasionally and insisted that it was my “job” to fix it, so it became more of a frustrating chore, and I wouldn’t even actually call it sex towards the end cuz he would basically just stand over me and masturbate and use my mouth. He wouldn’t even lie down with me. It felt more like abuse. I’m pretty sure I was even drugged a couple times. Anyway, I don’t date cuz I don’t want to have to deal with explaining my choice to be celibate. I also have hypothyroidism which causes little to no libido anyway. I am repulsed by the thought of anyone touching me. I’m really glad I came across the group, cuz even know I don’t fit the title, I can relate with SO MUCH that is posted.”

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From the inbox #439

“I’ve never felt the urge to have sex, or even felt “attraction” to anyone. Sure I think some guys are good looking ( I’m heteroromantic) but never felt the ” I want that guy inside me” feeling like my friends often do. When I found out about asexuality i was so happy because it fit me so I thought I wasn’t broken after all. The thing is I’m sex repulsed and have no libido. When searching about asexuality, I’ve seen countless times people saying that sex repulsed has nothing to do with asexuality, or that asexuals also have desires, or even that people like me only hurt visibility because we give asexuals a bad reputation. Now I don’t know anymore what am I supposed to be or where do I belong anymore. The feeling of being broken is all back.

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From the inbox #402

“I am in my mid twenties and I always (till a few weeks back) just categorized myself as heterosexual. I just thought I like men, that’s the ‘norm’, and one day I would get married and be really happy with a couple of kids.
Now, I realize I could be ace. I never watch porn. I’ve dreamt of sex, sure, but I don’t want to do it. Completely no drive.
I’ve gone on dates just to figure out who I am, and get weirded out if the person tries to kiss me.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m from India so our parents don’t really understand these things. Pre marital sex and dating is still frowned up in many families, and my family is like that too. Forget about choice of partner, my parents think I should settle down (soon) with a man of their liking.
I’ll have a say in it for sure, but I they certainly wouldn’t approve of me delaying the inevitable.
I’m okay with this concept of arranged marriages and think it’s really beneficial for people who have certain stringent requirements. I personally love the idea of being married to your best friend and doing all these cool things together, achieving targets together and planning your life/family.
However the physical connection aspect freaks me out.
I don’t want to cheat someone by marrying them, and then if I refuse sex, they might get really mad and not understand me.
And my parents won’t understand me wanting to not get married
I don’t really have a question for you, more like clarity on the issue.
I am a woman , btw”

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From the inbox #283

“Hi all, I just accepted myself that I’m an aromantic asexual. I kind of always knew that I was deep down. I always thought I was different to others growing up, it was weird being in high school and all my friends getting really involved sexually and romantically with other people. And all of them and my family just saying I’m a late bloomer. I just went along with it.
Even this year, being 24 and people at work talking about their relationships, as well as their sex lives, and me siting in the corner being all awkward – telling me that it’ll happen for you, you just haven’t found the right person yet.

It’s just never really been there, the feeling/need/libido, whatever people call it. I just don’t feel any need. Like none, at all, seriously. I though I was weird. Other people think I’m weird. They joke that I’ll just be the crazy old cat lady.

But still they continuously say I’ll find romantic love, and I always ask “and what dose that feel like”, like really, [I just don’t know or understand it] and they always reply the same way “you’ll just know”. I mean I love the few close friends I have, my family, I love my two cats. But not romantically, I do love having emotional and intellectual ties with people and animals, I still feel love. But why does it have to be romantic. I get it – that other people are romantic towards one another and have sexual desires for one another as well, but its not for me. I’ve just never felt the need or want for sex or even a relationship with anyone, in that way.

I’ve never understood my gay friends till now, not truly anyways. I mean when people ask them, how/why don’t you like the opposite sex, they just answer “l just can’t”, and the people just accept it as that. And from that I now truly understand what they mean. For me, I just cant romantically or sexually be with a person like that, I just can’t. It’s simple really when you break it down like that.

And just coming to the acceptance of that is quite liberating for me. I’m not quite ready to tell my friends or family, I know that the concept of it will be a little hard for them to get around their heads. But I know they will accept it eventually. I know they’ll still love me for me. I just have to build up the courage for it. I just want to say thank you, to the whole community, that I can feel like I’m not alone, that their are others out there like me.”

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From the inbox #281

“This is kind of awkward for me, but I want to share, so here goes.
I used to have a sex drive, but it completely disappeared seven years ago. Apparently, this is common for people who have given birth, but it normally only lasts for a few months at most. I have had no libido for seven years with no change in sight. It didn’t even increase when I started testosterone.
Sex used to feel good. Now, it feels boring and disappointing. I would honestly rather fold laundry than have sex.
I think I used to be a sex addict. Still am I guess since I still feel the compulsion to have sex. It’s not at all like a sex drive. It feels more like an obligation or a habit that I no longer have a need for, but keep falling back on. Like I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t feel good anymore, but I still feel like I should be having it.
When I think of why I used to have sex, I remember having a libido, I remember that it used to feel good, I think of how I used to want someone to care about me so bad that I’d have sex with people so they would pretend for a little while (I’m not that weak anymore), and I remember feeling unable to say, “no,” but I can’t remember feeling sexual attraction. I can’t remember if I’ve ever felt it. Maybe I have. I don’t know.
I do know that I don’t feel sexual attraction now. Do I not feel it because I don’t have a sex drive or did losing my sex drive help me realize that I don’t feel it?
I heard someone describe being asexual like “If you think about someone in your life who you would never even imagine being attracted to, like someone you grew up with, it’s like that with everyone.” (Sorry I probably got some words wrong and I can’t remember who said it.) That’s what it’s like for me. Whenever I think of calling myself asexual though, I hesitate because I’m worried I’m not asexual enough because of how it used to be.”

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From the inbox #279

“I didn’t actually label myself asexual (apathetic about sex with no drive, not repulsed or opposed to sex) until about 20 (22 now). It was a confusing process. And it took at least a few months after that to label myself as panromantic asexual. I have a very supportive boyfriend and friends.

But I’ve had a very back and forth relationship with my sexuality. By that I mean going from very proud of it all the way to googling how to change myself and how I feel. It’s nice to be this way, my sexuality. But sometimes it’s also not. And I’m wondering if anyone else deals with these polarizing feelings and what coping methods they have for dealing with them.”

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From the inbox #277

“Hi, I am 24 and for the last however many months I haven’t really had a sex drive, I now consider myself to be ace because I’ve never seen sex as a need or want more of something “normal” that couples do. Now that I’m single I’m really worried that I will never find true love because how do you even approach the – Yeah I don’t enjoy sex, talk without scaring people? I don’t really like the ace dating sites so I guess it’ll have to be the mainstream route for me but I’m really worried.
Secondly, my 100% aversion to sex is new – like I say the last 4 or so months. I’m worried something is amiss as before I did used to have a sex drive, just not urges if that makes sense. For all of my sexual life I’ve felt guilty and dirty because that’s what I was taught to believe as a child but I can’t shake it off. Is it fair to assume that I’m not ace and that sexual shame and asexuality are two different things? Thanks for any help”

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From the inbox #68

“One year ago I was in a relationship with a sex addict. My sex drive was completely low and I stopped experiencing any sort of attraction. I sincerely believed I was a “bad girlfriend” for not pleasing him. Eventually we broke up and I am in a relationship with someone new…he is sexual but completely respects my boundaries and would never do anything to hurt me.
If you are asexual (with a low sex drive) and you in a relationship where sex is demanded, then do not submit. There are plenty of people out there who do not require sex in a relationship and will love you, despite your sexuality 🙂 Keep the faith, be strong…you are loved <3

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