From the inbox #825

“I gotta say, following your page has been amazing in coming to terms with my sexuality. I, like a lot of ace’s, realized who I was late, when that magic “spark” of desire never happened. I’ve come to terms with it and my girlfriend and I have worked it out, but it’s trying some days.

A lot of people just don’t GET it. I see well-meaning people lump it in with being aromantic. I’ve debated with my brother, a rather open-minded person, about why and how. I’ve struggled to explain why articles that talk about sexual desire as some universal experience are alienating and downright wrong (to which I get “if you don’t like it, don’t read it”, which is ridiculous when most of the world we live in treats sexual desire the same way, and I can’t just not participate in the world). I’ve debated with people IN the ace community about what it means to be ace.

I don’t know. It’s rough some days. My girlfriend can even say things that are well-intentioned, but are frustratingly ignorant (to be fair, sex isn’t a topic we’ll ever have the same view on, so we’ve both accepted there will be a degree of separation here, and I know I’ve said things that make her upset without meaning to). She’s even been told a few times she should leave me, that she’s brave and has a lot of self-control, that most people “couldn’t do what she’s doing”. I am head over heels for her and intend to spend the rest of my life with her, but it’s like my relationship isn’t valid.

And realizing I’m ace was a great step for me! It was scary, and I worried it’d be limiting, but I feel free! I’ve accepted now that I don’t need to force these feelings everyone else has, that I don’t need to want or even like sex. That I can be happy and have a fulfilled life without those feelings. That my girlfriend loves me even though she knows I don’t feel sexually attracted to her when we’re together.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I guess I’m looking for advice on what to do with those days you just feel alone and invalid, like you’ve repeated the same thing over and over again, but people don’t understand.”

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From the inbox #817

“I’m so tired of people trying to make excuses as to why I didn’t like the sexual encounters I’ve had. I’m biromantic asexual, and I’ve done sexual things with an exgirlfriend purely because she wanted to and she pressured me into it, and nothing with guys. Yet, because I’m a girl I get this ALL THE TIME. “His penis wasn’t big enough”. I’m a virgin, yet people assume I’m not and try to blame my “problem” on their genitals or not knowing the person well enough, which I find insulting.
As I said in my screenshot, my lack of sexual desire only depends on what I want, and I don’t want to have sex, so for all the aces out there, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR US AND JUST TAKE US AS WE ARE.”

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From the inbox #800

“I read a post saying (in summary) that “instead of putting the label ‘asexual’ on yourself you should seek therapy and get to the root of your issues”.

Id like your followers opinion on this:
I am seeing a therapist for issues unrelated to my asexuality and recently he started focusing on why I don’t want to have sex.

I gave all the reasons I’m sure we’ve all felt.

– i’ve never wanted to, with anyone.
– Yes I did feel pushed by society to give it a shot but it was not my cup of tea.
– nope no spark of attraction at all
– no I don’t miss it
– nope I’m happy being asexual
– yes asexuality is a real thing
– no I’m not upset. I’m angry that you can’t let me be asexual in peace

And so on 😧 He keeps poking at it with a stick and I wish he would drop it already. My sexuality is not a problem that needs to be fixed.”

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From the inbox #791

TW: Rape, abuse, slurs, invalidation

“I first realised I was asexual at the age of 16, the whole time before then I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. Discovering the term asexual and being able to relate took a whole load off of my shoulders. I finally understood why I wasn’t interested in people and I was happy.

Sadly, that happiness didn’t last long. After a few months I decided to tell my mum, who pretty much just rolled her eyes and went on a tangent on how there is only straight or gay people and to stop making crap up.

I was disheartened, but not surprised by her reaction. So, I decided to tell my dad(who is a biromantic homosexual) thinking he’d totally get it. No. The first thing he did was laugh, say that’s what plants do. I decided to show him a simple description for him and he was silent for a few minutes. After a while he turned to me and said, “Don’t be stupid, Nise-apotamus. You just haven’t met anyone yet, you’re still a baby. I know! Alan and I will take you to a gay bar and find you a nice butch lesbo to bunk up with.” I was honestly gobsmacked. I told him I didn’t want to, that I’m not a lesbian. He laughed again and said, “You won’t know until you try.” I stopped talking to him for a few months after that.

Next up was my eldest sister. I used to tell her everything. Her response was just, “Why don’t you just date that guy Matt that has been crushing on you for three years. That’ll probably fix you.”

After those three responses, I thought maybe they were right and I was wrong, so I decided to go on a date with Matt. However, I learned that no, I wasn’t wrong, they were. I hated being touched, kissed, etc. I couldn’t even say I loved him, because I didn’t. So, I broke it off. Luckily, Matt understood, even thanked me for being honest.

When I was 19 I managed to secure my first full time job. It started off great. My mum and siblings worked there with me so I wasn’t completely alone and it made it easier for me to make friends.
About six months in, I learned that another Matt liked me, however this one was 30 years old. I kept telling him I was interested, just wanted to be friends, etc. he couldn’t accept that, kept persisting. My sister once again said maybe he could fix me, and again I relented. It was okay at first, he’d just swing by for dinner with me and my family, we’d go for a walk, but otherwise we only ever hung out at work.
One day, I thought, he always comes to my place for dinner, maybe it’s my turn to go to his place for a simple dinner. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
He made dinner, then decided to go out with friends, leaving me alone in his apartment. I watched Supernatural the whole time, until I fell asleep.
I was woken by him stumbling in drunk, and then climbing into the bed next to me. Started saying he heard from my mum that I was asexual, but it was obvious I was just scared and that he’d be happy to help me overcome my fear.
I said no, I’m not interested in sex. He didn’t listen and forced me to do various sexual activities. He fell asleep soon after, but I was wide awake, crying. I texted my friend in America and she told me to get out, to go home. So I did.

I broke up with him the next day, that I didn’t want him to come to our house anymore. He was confused, but agreed. A few weeks later three rumours spread about me at work. 1. I am frigid. 2. I’m a slut. 3. I’m a lesbian.
Work proceeded to get harder for me, everyone was talking behind my back. Matt also started to follow me around at work, even sat next to me when we worked in two different departments. He used to gossip about me to one of the girls in my department right in front of me. Even told her he was in love with me.
I reported him to my manager who told me he couldn’t do anything in case it’s work related, but he can if it was during a break.
Manager never helped, soon he heard the rumours and I was forced to tell him about being asexual and that Matt wasn’t handling the break up well. You know what happened? I was fired for being a was going to believe the teenager over the 30 year old cis that had been working there longer?
Six months after that, I got a text from Matt at 4am saying that he still loved me and wanted to help me. He even went as far as buying a car just to drive my mum home from work so he could see me.

When I was 22′ I was gang r*ped by a 4 people- 3 male and 1 female claiming I just needed a good fuck.

At 25 when I went overseas to visit a friend, I was beat up for trying to invade queer spaces.

At 27 I was called a snowflake and told to kill myself by a drag queen who didn’t believe in Asexuals at a Pride march.

I am now 28, I’m Demigender, I’m panromantic, and I’m still Ace, and I am going to keep fighting for visibility and equal rights.

Aces are discriminated against, we are shunned, and mistreated. We face corrective r*pe, abuse, and harassment. I will keep fighting and I will not back down.”

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From the inbox #680

“Hi, Aromantic here from Kenya.
So I’ve been reading articles on how asexuality isn’t a valid sexuality, and how it shouldn’t have a label. It got me so furious because the label itself is much more important than anything else. The Asexual label saved me from the depression, the pressure of my friends to fix me by providing a guy who’ll blow my mind with amazing sex so that i can be normal again like i was not in the first place and accepting myself as a normal human being. The label made my feel like I belonged that i was normal in each and every way and that there are people like me so i shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am.
It’s been a few months since I discovered my Spectrum and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
That label holds a great value to so many people and saves so many lives. I’m thankful to this community you really helped me cope with a lot.
*Sorry for the grammatical errors English isn’t my first language*”

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From the inbox #665

“When I check comments, people often refer to pans as poly people….but why?
Are most pans poly? I’m quite lost, I thought being pansexual/panromantic only meant you’re attracted to every genders…..Not to every people in the world”

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From the inbox #664

“trigger warnings: mentiones rape, sex…
——-

I’m realizing how much of a problem it is to identify as asexual around straight guys. I think that I’d get understanding but really all they want is to the one that proves me wrong. They think corrective rape is the solution. They think that they need to teach me how to do it right so I will like it. Try to prove to me I have a drive and libido when it has nothing to do with asexuality.

I’m just so sick of being manipulated because guys see asexuality as a tease as a fetish as a challenge instead of realizing that I’m off limits when it comes to sex. It’s so hard because the asexual Community is so small and it’s so hard to believe and Imagine That within the small community I can find someone that I can connect with and relate to and be happy.

It’s hard to be in a world where sexuality so important all I want is relationship without sex but people don’t get it. And it bothers me, it bothers me that people equate love and sex, it bothers me that people can just accept that I’m asexual and move on but bug me and drive me crazy with questions that are very private and personal. I’m just feeling really frustrated and upset it’s not easy to be asexual.”

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From the inbox 629

“My friend heard today from our mutual acquaintance that aroaces who are in relationships for whatever reason (be it taxes or just a very deep not romantic bond) make exactly zero sense and it really got her down. I think she could handle the message alone but it was said in kinda rude way. I’d like to ask other ace (and aroace especially!) people to give her some hugs and loving because she totally deserves that. And maybe some advice how to handle remarks or buddies like that.”

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