From the inbox #669

“I know about asexuality for quite a while now, and sometimes even considered I am, but I was never really sure or just thought: nah, you’re not a real asexual person then. I had sex two times in my life with a person I really trusted, but I just didn’t enjoy it. I never had any bad sexual experiences, but when I think about sex, I start feeling a bit uncomfortable or annoyed about having it myself. I feel like other people are OVERLY interested in anything sexual. I never really understood this “this person is so hot”-concept. No matter what gender or what body it is, but I don’t understand people who get aroused because of nudity. I can find a girl’s face cute and beautiful, but this aesthetic affection is pretty much all. Honestly the one thing that would be arousing for me is only when two people share a deep connection. But I would never want to imagine being in this situation myself. I hope this is not too explicit – however, I do masturbate, but I don’t want to share this with anybody. Other people seem to do. I’ve been in this situation quite a few times and it was always annoying or gross for me. Especially when I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to have sex. French kisses were always disgusting for me. Truth be told, this relationship wasn’t really based on love, more because I wanted to fill a void, and here’s that: What makes me unsure is the fact that I would want to kiss (still no French kisses tho, haha) and a bit more if I would find a person I am really close to. I just don’t know if sex would ever feel good for me. It was never a big part of my life, and I guess many people have been told “you just haven’t found the right person yet”. Thing is, I really don’t know if that’s true in my case. I am looking for a person I can truly love and connect with, so maybe I am really asexual, or well maybe just demisexual. I don’t know, really. What do you guys think about that?”

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From the inbox 626

“First, I’m 30 and I’m a Virgin, and I’ve only kissed maybe three people total, and I’ve only kissed each person only once. I don’t enjoy kissing, it freaks me out, and scares me enough that I dont’ even like getting into sexual situations. When I’m drunk, I have kissed a person (same sex) and I really enjoyed it, but freaked out over it after.

I find men attractive, and I do often masturbate to the thought of being with a man, or a sex scene I’ve seen before. I sometimes think of woman as well. I’m not sure if I’m ACE, or if I’m something brand new. There are men that I really enjoy hanging out with,, but thinking of being with them sexually, or even just kissing them, makes me super nervous to the point of having anxiety attacks. I can’t flirt out in public without my mind going into super anxiety about someone trying to kiss me.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I ACE? Or something else? I just am tired of being alone, and it seems every man I’ve met never understands my issues and doesn’t want to deal with them. ”

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From the inbox 595

“I was just wondering how many other people feel like this… i’ve never met another ace so I don’t really have anyone else to ask!

Every now and again I get turned on. It might be from a dream or from reading a particularly raunchy fanfic… and I find it terribly frustrating because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that arousal. I absolutely hate masturbating. Everything about it is gross to me. And I definitely don’t want someone else to take care of it for me.
Naturally I just wait for it to pass, but it always makes me feel so betrayed by my own body and it also makes me desperately wish I COULD enjoy that feeling and to get off without feeling gross about it.
I guess I just wanna know how people who feel similar to this stop hating themselves for it? And how they handle it personally?”

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From the inbox 573

“I have a bit of a funny story to share:
CW: mention of pornography, self-stimulation
TL;DR: I’m working as a research assistant with a sex researcher, and it never crossed my mind to ask about lab duties.

I’m ace (questionably grey) and transmasculine and last semester in college, I had an amazing psychology professor that used super inclusive language (e.g. saying “people who menstruate” instead of “women” when talking about menstrual cycles) and was all around awesome and we got along well. So I asked if I could work as her research assistant this semester, knowing that she is a sex researcher (the effects of sexual activity on the immune system). But I didn’t even think to ask what my lab duties would include because the study concept sounded super interesting, and she didn’t think to mention what my lab duties would include because she’s been doing this kind of research for 20 years so she’s comfortable with all of this stuff and forgets that not everyone is.

So first lab meeting we talked about lab duties. Phone screening participants, asking about their level of sexual activity and masturbation habits. And asking them to come into the lab and watch porn and self-stimulate
Well. Needless to say, I’ve been assigned more of the data entry and paper filing tasks haha. I still enjoy my work as a research assistant though I’m kicking myself for not thinking to ask what I would be doing.”

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From the inbox #523

“Hi, so I wanted to share something that’s kinda weird but I wanted to know if this is a common thing about aces and ace-specs. I’m a hetero demisexual cisgirl in a relationship with a boy, and he’s the ONLY person who I feel is sexy. The weird thing is, (and this is a NSFW topic) but when I masturbate, I don’t fantasize about him, in fact, I don’t fantasize at all. I tried but it just never worked for me. However, when I do fantasize about sexy times with him, I prefer not to masturbate. He asked once what I fantasize about when going solo but I just draw blanks because I don’t is this common?”

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From the inbox #519

TW: Rape

“I have a question sort of. More over I am just very confused. Triggers below.

I was aggressively raped by my ex over a span of a few months practically every day. I had a very high sex drive but I didn’t want to have sex, obviously since I now have a son because of the rape that word ‘no’ didn’t work out well. (Police won’t even investigate)

I still have a high sex drive, however every time I try to rile myself up or think about ever having sex again, I get flash backs and I can never please myself anymore because it makes me sick.

People tell me that ‘oh you’ll love sex again don’t worry’ but I can’t see myself ever wanting to have sex again despite my still very high sex drive.

I don’t know what I am right now, I want sex but I also don’t want sex and every time I try with myself (since I don’t have a partner and probably won’t for years to come) it makes me sick.

I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do, I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this since no one seems to understand why it’s so important to me.”

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From the inbox #471

“So this has happened a lot, I’ve actually lost count of how many times it’s happened in all. My apologies in advance if this has been asked before, by the way.
I’ll be talking to a friend, and they’ll find out I’m asexual. Somehow, this makes them think it’s magically okay to ask me if I wank. I don’t find it to be any of their business, but if I refuse to answer, they make assumptions anyway that I do, which is, again, not their business. Is there anything specifically I can say to them or do to get them to drop the topic without answering directly or indirectly?”

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From the inbox #466

“Hello,I identify myself as a biromantic girl(and I’m too proud),I’m 20 years old,I don’t masturbate and never I’ve done it(I think it is a bit gross!).— A few days ago while I was was about to sleep, my eyes flickered to open and I started imagining myself having sex with a female singer and I liked it because I had waken up less distressed although I thought it again and I can‘t picture having sex with her after all,just let your damn genitals off my eyesight,and put your clothes on!just sing for me Gaga!.
I know that this is so weird,but I’ve been struggling about this.
Am I asexual or demisexual or another one?
I’m so confused!😖
By the way,Merry Christmas!👼🎊🎉
Wish you happy holidays 😄

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From the inbox #422

“I need advice

I’ve always referred to myself as Asexual but the truth is I do feel a little sexual attraction.

But my main problem lies in masturbation on itself.
I have been told it releases stress and recently begun to try it.
I have found I cannot no matter what I do reach a orgasm. It makes me feel like a failure. I am also a transgender male, so body dysphoria could be a part of it but I feel like it isn’t.

My situation is that I get distracted easily, my mind wanders and I just don’t finish and when I try its still not possible.

Is this a normal thing for people who are asexual? Is it only me? I need advice. It’s worsening my depression.”

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From the inbox #157

“I recently discovered my asexuality, like in the last six months, and it explained a lot of things in my life. I’m still exploring but generally feel very aligned with the Plain Ace spectrum. I have never felt sexual attraction but after I get close with someone I do occasionally feel sexual desire, not very often but when it happens it’s like for a few days and then poof gone don’t want to have sex at all don’t even touch me if you’re aroused. So I’m okay when I’m feeling this desire but as soon as I orgasm it’s over and then I’m bored, it’s more like a biological need. I feel so detached from it all mentally and if they ask later when I’m not feeling that desire and I comply for their sake or whatever I start to resent the other person and feel used. Does anyone else experience that?”

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