From the inbox #1381

“TW: Hypersexuality, Sexual Assault Mention, Invalidation, Transphobia, Abuse, Internalized Transphobia
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Hello all! Call me Ace! I’m a man of trans and queer experience. My pronouns are he/him. This is a long one, so buckle up!
Growing up, I always felt a bit off. I didn’t like myself in any way, and it showed. People noticed my lack of femininity and pounced on that. I felt sick because I couldn’t fit in. I felt sick because I couldn’t be myself.
When I entered high school, I dated a woman for the first time. I still identified as cisgender at the time. She was a woman of trans experience. She was a very sexual person into many kinks, and I was not. I was uncomfortable at even the mention of her sexual urges. One day, she started to scream at me that I didn’t want to have sex with her because I was transphobic. I gave in because I thought she was right, and I didn’t want to be seen as transphobic. I told everyone I loved her, and that all was well. But really, I acted sexual even though I had no desire to. We broke up. And I suddenly felt incredibly sexual. But any time I engaged in anything sexual, I felt dirty and often showered several times a day.
I dated a two feminine-identifying people, and had intimacy with one of them. This time it felt right, and happy. I still felt fairly hypersexual, though, and was sick at the thought of being sexual sometimes, even if my libido was incredibly high.
Fast forward a few years, and I met my now husband. He’s the light of my life, my whole world. And he just came out to me as aegosexual.
Aegosexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means you have a libido and experience sexual attraction, but generally toward hypothetical scenarios. For him, it also means he likes participating in sexual activities as long as nothing is directed at him.
This opened my eyes, and slowly everything fell into place. In doing research to better support him, I realized who I was. What I was. Being assaulted all those years ago had ingrained in me that to be loveable, I had to be sexual. And now I know the truth.
I am a demi-romantic, demi-sexual, gray-ace ace-flux, literature-excited person. That’s a fancy bunch of words that to me, mean the following:
-I have to have an intense friendship with someone to feel romantically attracted to them.
-I have to have an emotional bond, generally romantic, to be sexually attracted to them.
-I am on the asexual spectrum.
-I go between short times of feeling extremely sexual but long periods of feeling completely sex-repulsed, despite having a libido.
-I receive the most sexual pleasure through erotic/romantic written word.
I have seen so many posts about people in difficult situations because of their sexual partner. It breaks my heart. I have been there. I see you. I hear you. But there is someone out there for everyone; my husband and I have an incredibly strong romantic bond, and understand our sexuality perfectly. Do we have sex often? Absolutely not. Does that bother us? Not at all. We are worth everything. Our feelings and orientation matter. You are valid. I am valid.
We deserve happiness and safety. We deserve to feel clean ❤

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From the inbox #1344

“So I’m hanging out alone with this girl who I’ve hung out with a few times before and here’s the actual conversation that happened (a little bit before this, she was telling me about how many gay friends and said she had two asexual friends so I said “ayyy my people”:
Her- my uncles aren’t together anymore but they live together. I think they’re fucking secretly. No ones that happy without sex. They must be getting it somewhere.
Me- well I mean people can be happy without sex. It’s not even that spectacular.
Her- well of course you’d say that
Me- what do you mean?
Her- while still being a virgin I mean you’re asexual so you feel it not as well as other people
Me- asexuals still feel the same things,most just don’t have sexual attraction.
Her- no it’s not as good for asexual people because they don’t even really want it in the first place
Me- asexual can be in the mood. Like I’ve had sex before and I 100% wanted it because I was in the mood. It’s just not what society worships it as. Yeah it’s nice, but I can live without it.
Her- that’s not how asexuality works. Asexuals can’t want sex
Me- it’s a huge spectrum, some asexuals want to have sex, and some asexuals even feel sexual attraction at some times.
Her- wanting sex is called being a normal human being do you even know what asexuality means? Obviously not. I have to listen to asexual lectures from my two asexual friends all the time. You’re not asexual. You’re normal.
And I didn’t know what to say so I just got really quiet, and my sister couldn’t come get me for another hour, so I just died a bit on the inside”

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From the inbox #1338

“I identify as asexual or demi and have tried to talk to my friends about this but they laugh in my face and tell me im not. I cant blame them really, they have seen me kiss a person on a night out and associate this with being horny. Its sad because it took a lot for me to try and open up to them. They still tease me about that night and have called me a whore and slutty and it hurts every time they do because im already beating myself up about it enough. In my drunk logic, I kissed the person because i wanted to understand myself more and see if I felt any kind of sexual attraction (I still don’t think I do). I guess I wanted to share this because its not a stereotypical asexual thing to do and thought it may give people an opportunity to talk about similar scenarios or opinions on this”

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From the inbox #1318

“Gray-ace?
For a few years I have identified as gray-asexual. I consent to having sex with my partners because I know it makes them happy. Sex does feel good, but I wouldn’t volunteer it on my own unless it was to make a partner feel good/feel connected. I am repulsed by the thought of it (especially porn), sometimes I feel like I may gag thinking about it… Yet I still manage to enjoy sex in the moment sometimes. Not all the time.
Someone recently told me that I am definitely not ace at all if I enjoy sex and have sex sometimes.
… But I am still repulsed by the thought of it and wouldn’t ever initiate out of my own sexual desires.
It was a bit of a blow to a part of my identity that made me feel safe and understood.”

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From the inbox #1317

“Cw: invalidation, medical discourse, forced heteronormativity, gatekeeping, corrective rape
Today I had two disgusting experiences. First of all, asexuality came out in my therapy session and she claimed there isn’t such a thing, that it has to do with repression, that sexual attraction is something that eventually happens between a man and a woman and it’s something a healthy grown adult must feel in order to feel complete, and that love and affection necessarily has a sexual part, if not it’s “fake virtual love” (wtf??). She also said labels aren’t necessary. I got very nervous but I tried to explain her and make her understand how hurting this situation was and she was like “well, I don’t deny it might exist but as far as I know sexual attraction is essential, hormones have a major role in everyone, etc.” and kept insisting on how important was sex in a romantic relationship (she didn’t understand that there’s a difference between sexual and romantic orientation).
Later a classmate contacted me (I’m the class representative of my course) and he asked me if I could give him some info about the students’ lgtb movement. I told him I’d gladly find about it and that I was also interested in participating. He was like “oh, I knew my gaydar was right!” and I told him I was asexual, panromantic and enby. Then he started to tell me in a very patronizing way that the acronym is just “lgtb”, that asexual people don’t belong to the movement because their problems are different and that panromantic is basically bisexual. I tried to tell him very briefly about the crap I had suffered as an ace, which included being tried to be “cured” by the medical system and being victim of corrective rape, and he was like “see? It’s not the same!” and kept talking and talking until I said I didn’t want to continue with that useless debate, that I was going to find that group and join it since I’m neither straight nor cis. He didn’t reply.
I’m seriously thinking about stopping seeing that therapist because it’s also too expensive for me and I don’t want to pay for hearing someone invalidate my identity. Regarding my classmate, I don’t know how to face him tomorrow in class and actually I’m worried that if I join the lgtbiqa+ group I’m going to have to deal with more shitty gatekeeping.
Thanks for reading my post. I needed to rant about it.”

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From the inbox #1296

TW: Abuse, depression, suicide, STD
“For context I’m Demisexual, homoromantic, and a girl (I guess? Haven’t really figured out that last part)
Last year I moved back to my home town and reconnected with a bunch of people. Well one of them was this girl who apparently had a crush on me since high school. Well long story short we hit it off and started dating (she was married husband knew poly situation). Well I did the demi thing and had sexual attraction after a while and we became sexually active with eachother. Well at some point she makes the comment of “we shouldn’t do xyz because I have a cold sore”. That’s when I put two and two together and figured out she had Herpes Simplex one and not only didn’t tell me but had engaged in sexual acts with me knowing I could be at risk. As my bad luck would have it not two weeks later I showed symptoms and got the diagnosis. Here’s where stuff went south I guess. She is studying to work with victims of rape and domestic violence and at risk LGBT youth. So I just couldn’t fathom she would do this and she felt bad about it so I deluded myself into thinking I knew. That she had told me. I lied to myself for months and shattered my psyche doing so. Because she wanted to do such good she couldn’t have possibly done such a heinous thing. I comforted her and reassured her she wasn’t a horrible human being for MONTHS. At some point I had moved in with her and her husband and their room mate and the husband and room mate abused the daylights out of me. They invalidated all my emotions they didn’t like. I felt like I was going crazy and that I could do nothing right. Eventually the relationship ended and I managed to get the heck out of there and finally started to realize the extent of what happened to me. As a result I’ve tumbled head first into a deep depression, am highly suicidal most days, don’t eat, can’t sleep, won’t shower or clean my house for days. I have zero self esteem and think I’m a diseased mutt who ought to be shot. I wanted a wife eventually. A partner I could share my life with and have crazy nerf gun battles in our pjs with. But I can’t have those things because even if I don’t have sex I could transmit this disease through kissing which I do enjoy. I can’t hurt someone like my ex hurt me. She took the future I want from me. So I guess anyone have ANY advice? Like I need something because right now I can’t stand the future alone that I see.”

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From the inbox #1253

TW: Ace&Aro-phobia, rape mentioned
“Hi guys ! I don’t know if someone will see this but it’s my only way to express myself about something that I saw and I was really mad about. First of all, I’m French so I’m sorry if my English is bad. Secondly, I am biromantic and I love your page, it really helps me realize that I’m not the only ace on this planet and I laugh a lot because of what you post so thank you! But what I want to talk about is that last time, I was one Facebook, on a Bisexual page, and I saw this post that you have shared a few days ago too, but they removed the “arophobia” and “acephobia”. And when someone corrected them, the administrator said that these phobia don’t exist. I’m reaching out to you because I am very upset about this. When I was in high school people used to make jokes about me all the time because I didn’t like having sex and I was ace, they said I wasn’t normal and some boys made jokes about “raping me so that I would have had sex before I die” (I’m so sorry my English is catastrophic, I’m doing my best). What I want to say is that Acephobia exist but people don’t call it like that, because they think that what they are saying is normal. And it makes me very sad, to know that some LGBT people don’t even support other LGBT people that have been bullied. Thanks for reading, thanks for the fantastic Ace page, I love you all ♥♠

From the inbox #1211

“Hi everyone. I love this page. I finally feel like it’s ok to be me.
Last night it came up in conversation with my mom that she thinks I put too much “private stuff” on my Facebook (mind you, I’m gonna be 30 this year). I asked her what she meant and she says all awkwardly “you know, all that stuff about aces.” Apparently it’s inappropriate for me to share content from this and related groups in a public place where my grandma could see it. I told her that’s like telling a gay man he shouldn’t wear rainbows because he’s broadcasting his sexuality but she seems to think its totally different. My mom has always been accepting and loving through my journey, including when I was trying out “bi” as an identity. Yet somehow now that I’ve settled on the ace spectrum she totally rejects its validity… I’m lost and hurt and not sure how to talk to her about this. Can anyone share advice or coming out stories to help me?”

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From the inbox #1206

“TWs: rape
Depending on the definition of consent I have many raped more times than I can count. I only count two times as rape because they were incredibly traumatic. For awhile I struggled afterward because I wasnt having the same sexual feelings as everyone else, I saw sex as something you do when in a relationship and I thought that was the only thing I was good for. I have since learned that I am asexual and I am incredibly comfortable with that title. The problem comes in I keep finding myself having sex. I am never sure if its something that I want or if I am afraid of not fulfilling my partner. Sometimes I enjoy sex but most times I am unsure. It’s something that i have found very frustrating and like I am betraying my title or myself. This has caused me to reach out to more ace groups to see if other people have these problems or if anybody has advice on the situation. When I ask the people around me they tell me that I am not a true ace or that I am demi. However the ace title fits me best, I just cant figure out how to navigate relationships and to be comfortable with touch and not have the expectation in my head that I need to sleep with the person, even though I dont want to. Any help would be greatly appreciated.”

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