From the inbox #524

“Hello, everyone!
I’m pretty conflicted right now and I don’t know who to ask.
I think I have feelings for a friend, but I’m pretty lost because it’s been a long time since I have liked anyone that way.
Part of me being conflicted is due to identifying as aro ace.
I fear that I’m not sure if I’m desiring the relationship aspect and not the person. I think not, but the thought bothers me a lot.
I guess I’ll tell her, I’m expecting nothing anyway.”

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From the inbox #522

“My best friend is on the asexual side. And going through some gender stuff. She has always been very masculine. It is sexy as hell. But I think I like her more than a friend anymore. But how do I do that without being all Omg sex and stuff. Cause I am rather asexual too”

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From the inbox #453

“Okay, so I have a crush on one of my friends, but she has a boyfriend. It also really crushes my spirts because she’s pan, so I might actually have a chance (bigender fam), and her current boyfriend is also ace, so I know that’s not an issue. 😞 What do I do?!”

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From the inbox #401

“I’m an ace at uni, been round the houses a bit with boyfriends not understanding/accepting my sexuality (I perhaps exaggerate; that was the first boyfriend and I’ve only had 2). The last one was lovely and we broke up for geographical reasons more than anything else, so I do know there are good ones out there (for any who occasionally doubts it – they do exist).
However, in my usual glamorous style I have developed a *very* strong squish on a guy I know…..but he’s Hypersexual (genius, right?You have my permission to do a round of applause for that marvellous turn of events).
I love having him as a friend, get very distracted by him, kinda want to know what he feels, but don’t want to ruin the friendship.
Help?! What are the options here? “

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From the inbox #358

“So I have never desired romance before, never dated anyone, and have never had a boyfriend. I actually hate the idea of having a boyfriend, and the idea of romance never made sense to me and it basically annoyed me. I am 20 and found out I was asexual 2 years ago and want to remain a virgin my whole life. A month or so ago I met this guy, we both connected really well and he couldn’t believe I wanted to be friends with him because he said he thinks I’m really cool and he isn’t… but i really liked him, and I felt the “spark” that everyone always talks about– I didn’t even think it existed, let alone that I would ever feel it. But when he found out I was asexual, he didn’t want to pursue the relationship; there was another issue too that made him think we wouldn’t work out and he later said my asexuality was what gave him another reason to know that it wouldn’t work out. He started dating another girl, and yesterday, found out she is asexual, and he isn’t going to break up with her but try and make it work. I feel like that was karma on him, but we’re really close friends and I’m honestly not mad at him at all, I really just want what is best for him. But I also want him, and both of those desires are in conflict with each other because he doesn’t want me in that way, so me and him being together wouldn’t be what is best for him. I just want him to be happy but I want to be with him and I feel selfish for thinking that. It’s just that I’ve never felt romance or even wanted it in the 20 years I’ve been alive, and the one guy I actually want it with, I can’t have. It just feels like it shouldn’t be like that, because I’ve had crushes before, but this is different, and it’s like it doesn’t make sense that when I finally say yes after so many no’s, the answer is no anyways.”

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From the inbox #349

“I need Ace advice!
How you can say to a guy that you can be romantically attracted to someone and tolerate “intimate things” but without saying it because although you have a really big crush with him he things you’re aro ace and also you don’t want to ruin a great friendship?
Thanks, and sorry If it is a very superficial problem n.nU”

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From the inbox #333

“Just the other day, I was hanging out with a guy friend of mine and well we kissed. And I knew I had feelings for him but this is the first time I’ve been with anyone since I’ve come out to myself as being Ace. I’m unsure of how to tell him I guess. Like I don’t want to wait and him think I’m leading him on or something
I dont even know if he wants to date or anything. I still get nervous when I tell people I’m Ace and I dont want to “lose him” I guess (sorry for the slight rambling I’m not great at putting words together, hence why I’m asking for help )

Advice on how to tell someone you like?”

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From the inbox #291

“Anyways, for the past two months, I’ve been developing romantic feelings for a friend that I met in my hometown three years ago. She is SO amazing, always being there for me throughout some of the best and worst moments of my life and vice versa. She loves my affection and even compliments me back, which is something I rarely get from people, so it makes me feel special. We would always stay up late at night to chat with each other on Facebook, now that I moved abroad. I even have her address, so I sent her a few postcards and letters. She told me before that she would love to visit me and that if I were to move back, we could be roommates. We have complete trust in one another, with her knowing about my personal life and me knowing about hers. We have been talking less due to our busy schedules and her having a full-time job, which I understand. I sometimes go a few days up to two weeks without hearing anything from her on Facebook, which is fine. Two weeks ago, I admitted all of my feelings to her in a detailed Facebook message, telling her that I have a crush on her, and even going as far to tell her that *if* she had mutual feelings for me and *if* we were ever in a relationship together, that I would consider having sex with her. (She came out to me as demisexual and I am grey-asexual) I’ve never felt that way before, with her, or with anyone else that I’ve dated or have had a crush on and I’ve dated two other people back in my home country. Anyways, I’ve been feeling really vulnerable and ashamed of myself since I sent that. She saw my message and hasn’t responded yet and I’m worried that I scared her away because she doesn’t tag me in funny things whereas she used to before. I told her that I would never be jealous or upset if she didn’t have any feelings for me and/or liked someone else instead. She told me before that I could never do anything to upset her and that she’s a very forgiving person, but I wouldn’t want to ever push her buttons or take advantage of her extraordinary personality. What should I do?”

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From the inbox #288

“Hi again, another from the inbox. This is horribly long, I’m sorry. I identify as asexual homoromantic (or at least I do now, I used to go by panromantic) I met a girl with lots of interests in common and I fell for her romantically. We started engaging in a lot of romantic-coded behavior (she initiated it, I’m always way too cautious about doing something like that because I’m scared of making people uncomfortable– I’m an abuse and molestation survivor, and I would check wayyy too often to make sure she was comfortable with things even though I almost never initiated). Anyways, I was falling for this girl, and I was comfortable with close contact after SO, SO long–I actually felt like a functioning person after 5 years of PTSD from the aforementioned abuse. She seemed keen on seeing me outside of our place of volunteering (where we met) when I offered. And then she comes out to me as aromantic, and starts ranting about a guy she works with who wants to date her and how annoying he is. This was incredibly disorienting. I had nothing against her being aromantic or anything—as someone in the ace community I get that being aro is valid and nothing’s wrong with her etc. etc., and I get the need/want for intimacy, but I just felt like a crappy human being for being in love with her at that moment. I felt like I was taking advantage of her (I was 19 and she was 18 or 17, I think the former, but I don’t know if that matters. I loved her as a friend and as more, and I was terrified of losing that friendship, but I felt dishonest keeping my feelings from her and they were getting harder and harder to hide. I confessed to her in a tone profoundly of apology, and tried to make it clear that I didn’t expect her to feel the same way, in fact I knew she couldn’t. I just wanted to stay her friend, keep whatever we had. I loved everything we shared, and it was enough for me. I was happy, the only thing holding me back was my perceived dishonesty. She kept apologizing for not being able to return my feelings, even as I assured her that what we had was enough. She said we could stay friends, but then the rate of texting and contact just….depleted. She was anxious and I tried to help, I tried to be supportive, and told her over and over again I never wanted more from her–I was fine with her as is. It was a heartbreaking process, back and forth, me always saying the same things and she just…never seemed to hear it. She called for a break but never specified when it ended, and I went along with it even when all I wanted to do was talk to her, work this out somehow. After 5 days of waiting I asked if this was her way of phasing me out. She insisted that I was such a good friend but that it didn’t seem to be enough for me. At this point I was frustrated and angry and explained for what felt like the thousandth time that it WAS enough for me just to be friends despite my feelings but after the way things were going that it didn’t even look like that much was possible. Then she pulls that I made her uncomfortable by seeing her actions differently than she meant them, even after all of my obsessive checking. But she wasn’t forthright with it at the start so how was I supposed to assume? Sure, she said a lot of things that seemed to imply we were just friends, but I’ve known people who are romantically/sexually interested to do that too if they’re just shy/self-conscious/afraid of rejection. That conversation resulted in me cutting her out of my life–I was just so frustrated and heartbroken and exhausted.

I’m wondering if I was in the wrong here. I really did just want to be with her, in any way she wanted to be with me. I loved the intimacy. This didn’t need to be romantic. I was hoping it could be queerplatonic but I didn’t know how to start that conversation. Most of my friends said I did the right thing, the more radical of them even claiming she was toying with me, playing with me. I don’t know what to think. Did I do her wrong?”

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From the inbox #233

“I identified as ace and aroflux for the longest time, and then a few months ago (during one of my romo times) an old friend of mine, who I’ve known for 12 years, told me that he liked me, and I liked him back. We’ve been sorta dating for the past few months, and I decided that I was probably settled on romantic and grey-sexual orientation. But now they’ve flipped back to very ace and very aro and I don’t know what to do or what to say to him. Because I still feel sensual attraction to him, and I might still want to be like in a queerplatonic relationship with him or something, but I don’t want to date him romantically. But I’ve known him for so long that I don’t want to hurt him in any way by explaining this (as he is straight and although understanding of the ace thing, feels both sexual and romantic attraction”

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