From the inbox #664

“trigger warnings: mentiones rape, sex…

I’m realizing how much of a problem it is to identify as asexual around straight guys. I think that I’d get understanding but really all they want is to the one that proves me wrong. They think corrective rape is the solution. They think that they need to teach me how to do it right so I will like it. Try to prove to me I have a drive and libido when it has nothing to do with asexuality.

I’m just so sick of being manipulated because guys see asexuality as a tease as a fetish as a challenge instead of realizing that I’m off limits when it comes to sex. It’s so hard because the asexual Community is so small and it’s so hard to believe and Imagine That within the small community I can find someone that I can connect with and relate to and be happy.

It’s hard to be in a world where sexuality so important all I want is relationship without sex but people don’t get it. And it bothers me, it bothers me that people equate love and sex, it bothers me that people can just accept that I’m asexual and move on but bug me and drive me crazy with questions that are very private and personal. I’m just feeling really frustrated and upset it’s not easy to be asexual.”

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From the inbox #520

” I just need to see if I’m alone in this situation or not. I just need some other point of view really. I’m a 19 year old girl and I have called myself asexual for over 4 years, and have come to terms with the fact that I do not want to have sex with my significant other. However, it’s the very notion of having a significant other that bothers me. Am I the only one that thinks that being asexual is putting a lot of weight on my shoulders? Is being the kind of asexual that I am kind of restricting me to only be in relationships with other asexuals? The asexual community represents about 1% of the population. Let’s say that half of them are men (I’m heteroromantic), so that brings the amount of people I could be with down to 0.5%. Now let’s say that I won’t be able to be with 2/3 of them due to extreme age and/or language differences. And now let’s say that I won’t be able to meet even half of them in my life time, and that some of those that I meet are simply incompatible with me because of our different personnalities. After seeing things that way, am I the only one that feels like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life? Seeing as I am asexual and not interested in having sex, do you think that I’d have a chance to find a heterosexual understanding enough of this situation Because honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel hopeless…”

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From the inbox #512

“So i’m not sure what to do. Very recently, I came to terms with being asexual but I’m lonely and still would like to be in a relationship with someone. I’ve tried apps like tinder and bumble but I feel bad about potentially leading guys on because I don’t want to really ever sleep with them. On top of that i’m usually uncomfortable with most romantic advances so finding someone I might be interested in dating is difficult. I don’t want to end up alone forever but after realizing I was asexual, it kind of feels like it’ll end up that way. None of my friends know about this and I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this yet. When is the right time to tell a person who might be interested in you that you’re asexual? How do you even go about doing that without hurting the chance of a relationship with them? Is it something that you would mention in your bio, on a first date, a few dates down the line, or later? I could really use some advice. Thanks.”

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From the inbox #510

“Crossing my fingures someone might help me! I came out as Asexual, this may or may not change, about a year ago maybe less. I like to be in a relationship with someone if I wanna be honest. I dont enjoy sex at all. I would like to be in a relationship. I can be romantic, flirty and cuddly but everyone just wants to have sex after being sweet. I have been called bitchy, unloving, and careless after rejecting the idea. I would like dating, or even relationship, advice if anyone can help…”

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From the inbox #470

“Hi. Okay, so I’m super discouraged right now and I need advice from people who actually understand asexuality. Obviously I identify as Asexual, but I want a relationship, not like a normal one, just someone to spend my life with and go on amazing adventures with and still consider it dating. Everything is so sexualized now that I feel like it’s completely impossible to find someone that wants the same thing as me. I’m okay with things like kissing, hand holding and cuddling every now and then, it’s just the sex part that gets to me. I hate feeling like I’ll forever be alone. Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m Asexual and sex repulsed, I feel like life would be so much easier if I wasn’t. Anyways, thanks for listening😊

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From the inbox #459

“I’ve been wanting to send this message for a long time, but never got to do it until now. I’m 20 and I need help in determining what I am in terms of sexuality. I’m really confused–I like watching, reading etc. romantic works but I couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship. When someone shows interest in me, I get really nervous and end up with two options: to fight or flee. But I do know for myself that I also want to have someone who can understand and talk to me, and be there for me. I want to have a deep, loving connection with another person. I could imagine myself holding hands with that him/her, or hugging and, okay, maybe kissing, but not have sex. Sex is.. I understand couples do that but I couldn’t imagine doing it! I mean, why would I want to stick someone’s body part inside me, and vice versa? Isn’t that guy’s d too big to ram in that small hole? And where is that girl putting her mouth into, for goodness’ sake? What about the germs that I might get from that (wait, do we get germs from sex? Lol I have no idea 😂). I do have people whom I find attractive, but I was never sexually attracted to them. I don’t get it.

But I don’t get myself either, because some rare times I do think that it might be okay to do it when I truly love the person. But most of the time it just grosses me out. I don’t have anything against those who do it though. I just don’t see myself doing it (if not very rarely).

Platonic relationships are very beautiful in my eyes. Just knowing that you love and care for that person, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them without having sex (or just doing it rarely?) sounds like the ideal relationship to me. I want to do lots of things with that person–travel, try out new hobbies and simply engaging in deep conversations about life and other philosophical topics. I think I’m either asexual or demisexual, or somewhere in between. But is it possible that I’m not within these two categories, but somewhere else? I hope you would be able to answer me. I want to know as well so I could say it loud and proud!”

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From the inbox #443

“I’m a sex-repulsed asexual trans woman and love the physical intimacy and touch leading up to sex. I feel sensually attracted to just about everyone I meet and want to snog them silly but I’m scared that they’ll want to go farther than I’m comfortable. I really want to be part of a relationship but I’m not sure how to approach and explain all of this to someone.”

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From the inbox #338

“Hey there. I’m asexual (but I’m not aro) and I’ve started to give up hope. I broke up with my straight boyfriend, not because of anything he did wrong, but because it just didn’t feel fair to him. I just thought he deserved more than I could give him, even though he objected. I desire a close, happy relationship with no sex involved but I’m just so scared that I am unable to have that and it makes me so sad. Any advice?”

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From the inbox #304

“Hi there! So, I have a question I REALLY need to ask… I’m single and I live in a country where everything is hyperssexualised. When I start talking to men I can already see that they couldn’t care less about what I’m saying and just want to skip to the “good part”. How the hell can I start a relationship in a situation like this? How can I tell people I’m not into sex without causing a major indignation and looking prude (which I definitely am not)? I avoid talking to guys just because I know I can’t offer what the majority of them wants right away and I won’t be able to explain myself. But I do want a boyfriend. How can I make this possible?”

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From the inbox #277

“Hi, I am 24 and for the last however many months I haven’t really had a sex drive, I now consider myself to be ace because I’ve never seen sex as a need or want more of something “normal” that couples do. Now that I’m single I’m really worried that I will never find true love because how do you even approach the – Yeah I don’t enjoy sex, talk without scaring people? I don’t really like the ace dating sites so I guess it’ll have to be the mainstream route for me but I’m really worried.
Secondly, my 100% aversion to sex is new – like I say the last 4 or so months. I’m worried something is amiss as before I did used to have a sex drive, just not urges if that makes sense. For all of my sexual life I’ve felt guilty and dirty because that’s what I was taught to believe as a child but I can’t shake it off. Is it fair to assume that I’m not ace and that sexual shame and asexuality are two different things? Thanks for any help”

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