From the inbox #800

“I read a post saying (in summary) that “instead of putting the label ‘asexual’ on yourself you should seek therapy and get to the root of your issues”.

Id like your followers opinion on this:
I am seeing a therapist for issues unrelated to my asexuality and recently he started focusing on why I don’t want to have sex.

I gave all the reasons I’m sure we’ve all felt.

– i’ve never wanted to, with anyone.
– Yes I did feel pushed by society to give it a shot but it was not my cup of tea.
– nope no spark of attraction at all
– no I don’t miss it
– nope I’m happy being asexual
– yes asexuality is a real thing
– no I’m not upset. I’m angry that you can’t let me be asexual in peace

And so on 😧 He keeps poking at it with a stick and I wish he would drop it already. My sexuality is not a problem that needs to be fixed.”

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From the inbox #771

“So I’m an aro/ace girl with no desire to ever have kids facing some issues with my uterus which could potentially leave me infertile – and everyone is freaking out about that, when I’m more concerned with getting the pain/discomfort resolved. The doctors don’t understand why I’m not upset about the possibility and people keep telling me that it’ll be a big deal later, and I’m too young now to really know if I want kids (I’m 22). I don’t know what to really tell them – I just want the issue resolved so it doesn’t bother me anymore, even if that means I can’t ever have kids.”

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From the inbox #738

“I have a young (just turned 30) ace friend. She wants to find a doctor here in Oklahoma City who would be willing to remove her ovaries. She has extremely bad PMS but all of the doctors she has visited all say the same thing. “We can’t. You might change your mind about having children. You’re young. Live a little.” Etc and a lot of other stuff along the same vein.”

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From the inbox #701

CW: Depression

“I want to ask if it’s possible for an aro and an ace to be together. I am a homoromantic asexual (maybe, or maybe demisexual or somewhere in the grey area) and I suspect my gf could possibly be an aromantic homosexual
We’re both cisgender female
She has changed since we started to be togheter , 1 month and a half ago, but I don’t know if it’s because of her cyclical depression (she fell back in her black abyss lately 😞 ) or because she’s just an aro and her past romanticism was
just due to the entusiasm of a new relationship
I’m so confused
Is there anything such an Aro/Ace couple?!? It sound so weird but I love her so much and I’m okay doing sexual stuff with her, I actually enjoy doing stuff to her , even if I’m not able to react to what she tries to di to me. And I enjoy the cuddling and the kissing and the petting with her too, I need all of that actually. Should I speak to her about this… ? I’m afraid to loose her”

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From the inbox #680

“Hi, Aromantic here from Kenya.
So I’ve been reading articles on how asexuality isn’t a valid sexuality, and how it shouldn’t have a label. It got me so furious because the label itself is much more important than anything else. The Asexual label saved me from the depression, the pressure of my friends to fix me by providing a guy who’ll blow my mind with amazing sex so that i can be normal again like i was not in the first place and accepting myself as a normal human being. The label made my feel like I belonged that i was normal in each and every way and that there are people like me so i shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am.
It’s been a few months since I discovered my Spectrum and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
That label holds a great value to so many people and saves so many lives. I’m thankful to this community you really helped me cope with a lot.
*Sorry for the grammatical errors English isn’t my first language*”

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From the inbox #676

“Does it still count as asexual & aromantic if I don’t want sex or romance with anyone due to Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)? A quick description of my AvPD is that due to extreme social anxiety, I fear getting close to others. I want to have relationships with others, but I can’t because of anxiety. This extends into friendship and family relationships as well. I do masturbate sometimes, and have fantasies, but that’s where it stops.

Would this be asexuality, demisexual, or something else?”

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From the inbox #645

“So I had a question. I think I might have an ovarian cyst, but the only way I’ve heard of to know is a transvaginal ultrasound. I had a doctor attempt one before and it both hurt me physically quite a bit and freaked me out. So I’m not really sure how to cope with maybe needing another one when I didn’t even make it through the first one.”

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From the inbox 628

TW: Mentioning of rape

“My partner and I have been together 10 years. No kids. I’ve been identifying with the asexual label for a year or two. Two years ago, I joined a martial arts club that broke me out of a depressed rut. My partner and I have been arguing a lot for the past year. More than we had in the previous 9 years. We had talked about having an open relationship in the past and last year my partner found someone else that he clicked with and at whirlwind speed she had also moved in. I started anti-anxiety meds that are amazing. 2016 has been rough, bewildering, and full of changes.

I’m a sexually active woman who hasn’t been interested in sex in years. Touching, caressing, and cuddling were always better than the hot and sweaty parts, but I enjoyed the sex too. I don’t mind making my partner happy, but achieving orgasm hasn’t been on my personal agenda. When I was younger, I was keenly interested in BDSM and fantasizing about bondage and rape was paramount for me to achieve orgasm, whether I was masturbating or copulating. About five years ago though, my libido sunk through the floorboards. In addition, I’ve become more aware of the realities around rape and abuse… and while I am aware of healthy, consensual BDSM practices, I can’t fantasize about it anymore and still have a positive self-image. It’s been difficult to figure out how much of that was biological (would my libido come back?), psychological (was I scared of my libido coming back?), and personal preference (would I be upset if my libido never came back? No.).

My partner has a very high libido and would like to be more sexually active than he is. His girlfriend, who lives with us, is a trans-woman who had never been sexually active before and had practical difficulties with sex. My partner learned more about consent during their first month together than he and I had ever talked about ever. I was figuring out how to stand up for myself in our relationship and he was figuring out his own preferences and how much of our previous relationship had felt more like bullying than calm discussion and that led to our first major heated fight and made me feel like a rapist. Let me tell you, that does not feel good. And it certainly illustrated how poor our communication had been for our first 9 years together. We almost broke up.

Now, I feel that we are stronger and we communicate more and in healthier ways. It may be counterintuitive, but opening our relationship helped to make that happen. Our roommate, my partner’s girlfriend, has been patient, logical, and has encouraged us to talk about our issues. She has come to the conclusion that she doesn’t care much for sex. So my partner is now trying to find a sexual partner online, with our blessings.

This sort of relationship was so far from being imaginable 10 years ago, that I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe half of it back then. It’s still evolving and we’re all still learning.”

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From the inbox 616

“I’m curious if any other genderqueer, biologically female aces get extremely dysphoric/depressive around the time of their periods and what methods they use to combat that? I felt like hell the last time I was on any hormonal birth control, but my dream is a (non-surgical or minimally invasive) treatment that would stop the cycle entirely and not fuck with my moods or my body otherwise — I prefer my relatively androgynous form and don’t want boobs or anything, thanks.

Any advice?
(I’m already on Prozac for depression and an eating disorder, btw.)”

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From the inbox 591

“I’ve been told repeatedly by health professionals and family members that I shouldn’t class myself as asexual because of my depression. That my illness hinders my ability to feel attraction and love. I’ve had my illness since early childhood and I can’t remember a time where I didn’t feel repulsed by people taking a sexual interest in me or being absolutely apathetic to the whole sex thing. While I understand my depression probably has at least some influence in how I feel, I’m not sure it’s entirely to blame. I get what they’re saying but I can’t help but feel they might be erasing what feels like my actual orientation. I’m really conflicted on this and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone or is anyone in a similar situation and can shed some light on this? I’d really appreciate it.”

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