From the inbox #985

TW: Abuse

“Hi everyone 🙂

I have a question… I hope someone will be able to help me with.
I don’t know if I’m “valid” as an aroace…

The thing is that, when I was a kid, I was verbally, morally harassed. A lot, every day, by everyone, all the time, and the only way I had to stop suffering from it was to “agree” to what they were saying… In a way, I convinced myself that what they were saying was true. It worked, and today, I’m not suffering anymore.
The problem is that, today, I can’t change it… and I’m not able to “accept” that someone could love me. I guess I completely lost self-confidence because of that…
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t find myself ugly or fat, but when I see myself through the eyes of someone else, it can’t take it. I’m not able to accept it, even though I don’t think they are lying. In the end, no matter talking about love or sex, I’m totally out of it. I don’t feel sexual attraction toward people, I’m not excited seeing “sexy” men or women, neither do I feel love, I just like being alone with myself.

Saying it like that… I really feel like an aroace, but I also feel like I’m broken. So I don’t know if I can considered myself as an aroace, or just as a broken someone… I don’t know if not being sexually attracted by people is because I’m a true ace, or because I was “broken”. Same with the fact I can’t fall in love with anyone… is it because I’m broken, or because I’m truly aromantic?
I tried to understand it by myself… but thinking of it is really hard for me. I’m really confused…

What do you think?
Thanks to all of you, I love you guys

(sorry for me English, it’s not my mother tongue ^^)”

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From the inbox #954

TW: Sexual harassment

“So….I have a question/situation for the group: a guy at work seemed to be interested in me. He passed me a note saying he’d get to know me better. I’ve been avoiding him ever since. The other day he touched me (grabbed my arm) I pulled away from him, but I didn’t say anything to my supervisor, because I didn’t want to be “one of those people” who complain about stuff. Recently I was asked to talk to supervisors because he’s done similar things to others.
When I talked to my supervisor, I was left with the feeling that everything, including this guy’s subsequent actions, was my fault because I didn’t report. I tried to explain why I didn’t say anything (um….I’m a lifelong aro ace and I’m not sure how to deal with stuff like this.) I wasn’t in trouble with my supervisor, but he kept using words like “self justification” when I tried to explain why I didn’t report.
I didn’t know I should report. For all I know, what he’s doing is normal flirting behavior…
I don’t understand. I’ve worked at the same place for 11 years. Now, after the interview with my supervisor, i feel like a freak. I want to stay with my job. How do I deal with this?”

From the inbox #941

“Hey, I just wanted to share my story. I haven’t always been Ace, thought I’ve always been really “picky”.
Anyway, I was talking about it in a chat room in a video game at one point and this guy literally kept arguing with me that I want asexual if I had a sex drive. I tried explaining to him that sexualities are about attraction, not drive, but he wasn’t having it. He refused to even see that by his logic homosexuality and heterosexuality weren’t what they really were either. He was belligerent and really rude about it, calling me stupid and telling me repeatedly that because I still have a sex drive I want asexual. He even went as far as to get my contact information so he could further berate me about it over discord and kept telling me that his asexual friends all thought I was stupid too.
But you know, we’re not bullied or erased or anything…”

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From the inbox #929

“Tw rape mention and other gross things

I joined a group on Kik earlier today (# gunsgunsguns) because I needed help identifying some firearms, everything was going well and I stayed for a while, talking to them and having a good time, I had mentioned I was a minor pretty early in the chat. Anyway, the conversation later turns to sex, okay fine, i mention I’m asexual and then it all goes go shit, I calmly explain it to them while they pull the usual aphobic crap and this all goes on for a while, they repeatedly ask me about my sexual interests and I answer as vaguely as possible in an attempt to get them to understand, eventually this one guy who’s Kik is waffletime98 if anyone would like to know, decides it would be fun to “joke” about raping me so I realize I’m not asexual. I express my wild discomfort with his behavior and he doesn’t stop. I leave the group after that and I get a message from him saying “don’t think you can escape this cock” and of course I block and report him. It was generally a bad time 0/10 wouldn’t recommend”

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From the inbox #915

“Is it wrong I’m scared of coming out as aroace to the rest of my family? I came out to my parents and they understood, but I don’t think the rest of my family will because they’ll be like “you haven’t found the right one”/“you’re still young” and all that nonsense when I am 22 going on 50. I am repulsed by sex and romance in real life (yet I secretly write about nsfw fanfics, irony), and I have autism, plus I’m asocial. I don’t see myself as attractive and I’ve been told only ugly people are asexual, let alone harassed all my life in school years to the point of where I vowed to never go to college because it costs too much money and I don’t need to deal with bullying anymore. That, and I have parents who are 50s who need me to take care of them, so that’s out of the question too.

Either way, I’m afraid I’ll be harassed for not being attracted to anyone sexually or romantically and wanting to be childless and free. Most of my cousins and half-siblings have kids, but I have vowed to be the only one who remains childless and single.

Sorry this was so long, I needed to vent.”

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From the inbox #910

TW: Acephobia, bullying

“I just discovered some months ago that I am asexual and recently I started doubting if some experiences I experimented years ago were related to that and if acephobia and bullying for being ace really exists.
It’s known that lots of kids and teens LGBT experience bullying because if it, but what about when you’re asexual?
I experienced bullying and exclusion most part if my life, most when I was 11 to 14 years old, it happened because I had very toxic classmates and I wasn’t very social before either, I was too insecure and lack social tools to handle it. What I went through was most exclusion, jokes and harassment, not much verbal or physical direct harm, I didn’t thought that was bullying those years, though.
Now that I discovered that I am ace and started looking back to those experiences I am noticing that it wasn’t bullying just for those things, but it was very related to my sexual orientation unwillingly. See, I am a sex repulsive ace, I always have been, people noticed it late or soon but I didn’t know that that had a name yet. And all that was reflected in my bullying: someone wrote with a permanent marker in a locker in the classroom that I had sex there, someone called me one and another and another time ‘intercourse’, someone put porn in my phone, once we were playing mimic animals and someone told me to mimic an orgasm, two classmates changed the lyrics of reggeaton songs (sex songs) putting my name in those lyrics, someone tried a sensual dance with me in the middle of the class even if it made me uncomfortable (it happened more than once), they harassed me with personal and intrusive questions relationed to sex, etc.
So I wanna know: Am I the only one that happened through something like this for being ace? More people went through similar experiences for being ace, even if they didn’t know it yet? Is there a percentage of ace people who ere bullying for being ace? Being ace could be a cause of receive bullying and arousal? Bullying for being ace exists? It could be considered similar to the bullying other LGBT people receive? Can we prevent it? What do you think?
I wanted to share my experience to discover if I am the only one that went through something like that for being sex repulsive or if more people went through it and didn’t noticed it or didn’t say it yet.
Thanks for read all that (it went longer than what I expected haha).
A clarification: some of those experiences were after the time I went through bullying but they were jokes that went out of hand.”

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From the inbox #851

TW: Corrective rape

“as an assexual cis-white male I have never been oppressed or felt any kind of prejudice towards me, that might be because my family and friends are well aware and respectful of my sexuality. But in any case, I’d like to know if any other cis white male ace in the community has ever suffered any kind of violence besides the usual boring conversations with people disregarding your sexuality. I’m not sure whether corrective rape and invasive (say, hormonal or physical) correction therapy is a commin fear or fact towards this population. So, have others like me suffered or legitimately fear suffering any kind of oppression?”

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From the inbox #791

TW: Rape, abuse, slurs, invalidation

“I first realised I was asexual at the age of 16, the whole time before then I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. Discovering the term asexual and being able to relate took a whole load off of my shoulders. I finally understood why I wasn’t interested in people and I was happy.

Sadly, that happiness didn’t last long. After a few months I decided to tell my mum, who pretty much just rolled her eyes and went on a tangent on how there is only straight or gay people and to stop making crap up.

I was disheartened, but not surprised by her reaction. So, I decided to tell my dad(who is a biromantic homosexual) thinking he’d totally get it. No. The first thing he did was laugh, say that’s what plants do. I decided to show him a simple description for him and he was silent for a few minutes. After a while he turned to me and said, “Don’t be stupid, Nise-apotamus. You just haven’t met anyone yet, you’re still a baby. I know! Alan and I will take you to a gay bar and find you a nice butch lesbo to bunk up with.” I was honestly gobsmacked. I told him I didn’t want to, that I’m not a lesbian. He laughed again and said, “You won’t know until you try.” I stopped talking to him for a few months after that.

Next up was my eldest sister. I used to tell her everything. Her response was just, “Why don’t you just date that guy Matt that has been crushing on you for three years. That’ll probably fix you.”

After those three responses, I thought maybe they were right and I was wrong, so I decided to go on a date with Matt. However, I learned that no, I wasn’t wrong, they were. I hated being touched, kissed, etc. I couldn’t even say I loved him, because I didn’t. So, I broke it off. Luckily, Matt understood, even thanked me for being honest.

When I was 19 I managed to secure my first full time job. It started off great. My mum and siblings worked there with me so I wasn’t completely alone and it made it easier for me to make friends.
About six months in, I learned that another Matt liked me, however this one was 30 years old. I kept telling him I was interested, just wanted to be friends, etc. he couldn’t accept that, kept persisting. My sister once again said maybe he could fix me, and again I relented. It was okay at first, he’d just swing by for dinner with me and my family, we’d go for a walk, but otherwise we only ever hung out at work.
One day, I thought, he always comes to my place for dinner, maybe it’s my turn to go to his place for a simple dinner. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
He made dinner, then decided to go out with friends, leaving me alone in his apartment. I watched Supernatural the whole time, until I fell asleep.
I was woken by him stumbling in drunk, and then climbing into the bed next to me. Started saying he heard from my mum that I was asexual, but it was obvious I was just scared and that he’d be happy to help me overcome my fear.
I said no, I’m not interested in sex. He didn’t listen and forced me to do various sexual activities. He fell asleep soon after, but I was wide awake, crying. I texted my friend in America and she told me to get out, to go home. So I did.

I broke up with him the next day, that I didn’t want him to come to our house anymore. He was confused, but agreed. A few weeks later three rumours spread about me at work. 1. I am frigid. 2. I’m a slut. 3. I’m a lesbian.
Work proceeded to get harder for me, everyone was talking behind my back. Matt also started to follow me around at work, even sat next to me when we worked in two different departments. He used to gossip about me to one of the girls in my department right in front of me. Even told her he was in love with me.
I reported him to my manager who told me he couldn’t do anything in case it’s work related, but he can if it was during a break.
Manager never helped, soon he heard the rumours and I was forced to tell him about being asexual and that Matt wasn’t handling the break up well. You know what happened? I was fired for being a was going to believe the teenager over the 30 year old cis that had been working there longer?
Six months after that, I got a text from Matt at 4am saying that he still loved me and wanted to help me. He even went as far as buying a car just to drive my mum home from work so he could see me.

When I was 22′ I was gang r*ped by a 4 people- 3 male and 1 female claiming I just needed a good fuck.

At 25 when I went overseas to visit a friend, I was beat up for trying to invade queer spaces.

At 27 I was called a snowflake and told to kill myself by a drag queen who didn’t believe in Asexuals at a Pride march.

I am now 28, I’m Demigender, I’m panromantic, and I’m still Ace, and I am going to keep fighting for visibility and equal rights.

Aces are discriminated against, we are shunned, and mistreated. We face corrective r*pe, abuse, and harassment. I will keep fighting and I will not back down.”

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From the inbox #708

TW: Sexual harassment

“HI, I’ve seen a few “from the inbox” posts and I’m not sure how it works but I don’t know who else to reach out to right now who would understand the situation that I’m in. Tonight I went to a friend’s house and she’s a really good friend to me, but her partner has been making advances on me. I was adamant about going to their event tonight tonight but as I had cancelled in the past, I didn’t want to make a bad impression. I thought maybe the advances were all in my head but it turns out it wasn’t, and he got me alone while I was changing the music and groped my butt, which I tried to ignore and hoped he’d get the subtle message, but he didn’t and went on to grope my chest as well. At this point, I had the sense to push him off, and loudly say no while I ran off and called a taxi home. I felt so bad as I said goodbye to my friend, they seemed to have no idea of what happened, but maybe they were looking for a third person and picked me? Maybe people aren’t as monogamous as I thought they were? I always had this idea that when I did find a suitable partner that we would be monogamous as long as we were together… is that an unrealistic and silly thing to think? I’m so confused and don’t know who else to ask without getting an answer like “you’ll be sexual soon enough” or “yeah that’s normal, he’s physically attractive so go with it”.”

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From the inbox #664

“trigger warnings: mentiones rape, sex…

I’m realizing how much of a problem it is to identify as asexual around straight guys. I think that I’d get understanding but really all they want is to the one that proves me wrong. They think corrective rape is the solution. They think that they need to teach me how to do it right so I will like it. Try to prove to me I have a drive and libido when it has nothing to do with asexuality.

I’m just so sick of being manipulated because guys see asexuality as a tease as a fetish as a challenge instead of realizing that I’m off limits when it comes to sex. It’s so hard because the asexual Community is so small and it’s so hard to believe and Imagine That within the small community I can find someone that I can connect with and relate to and be happy.

It’s hard to be in a world where sexuality so important all I want is relationship without sex but people don’t get it. And it bothers me, it bothers me that people equate love and sex, it bothers me that people can just accept that I’m asexual and move on but bug me and drive me crazy with questions that are very private and personal. I’m just feeling really frustrated and upset it’s not easy to be asexual.”

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