From the inbox #765

“Hey there! Just wanted to share my identity confirmation (at least for now) with the community. I identify as a woman who feels attraction (romantic and maybe sexual) towards men, but only about 2-3 times per year.
Over the years, the allo & heteronorms pushed on my by allos (straight & queer alike) which perpetuated the idea that my desire for intimacy towards guy-friends as a girl couldn’t be platonic caused me to feel not allo enough. Because of that, I’ve wondered a lot if the abnormality/”impossibility” of how I felt according to allos was socially constructed out of hetero and allo normativity or if it existed because the way my attraction worked really wasn’t how it did for them. At the same time, the sense of community aspec people seemed to have over never experiencing sexual attraction towards others made me not feel ace enough, either. If I felt attraction towards men but it was predominantly platonic, was I ace or was I allo? The answer was neither, and both.

Now, rather than feeling torn between being one or the other, I’ve decided to center myself where I am, right in the middle.

So, here I am, both an asexual and and allosexual and yet still aspec person who does (and doesn’t) experience sexual attraction. I exist and I’m valid! I identify as a heteroromantic graysexual, and I’m here to dispel the myth that all aces are non-allos & all allos are non-aces!”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #458

I’m in a very loving and committed relationship (it’s actually our one-year anniversary today!) with someone who fully understands and accepts my identity. Since I’m gray, I’m sometimes able to have sexual relations and actually enjoy them (being with this person is how I fully realized my identity because the attraction I feel here really is different). However, I go through phases. Sometimes, I’m very able and willing and wanting to have sex. Other times I can barely be touched without my brain sending DO NOT WANT REJECT AT ALL COSTS signals. Again, I want to emphasize how understanding and affirming my partner is. They will not do anything I do want want, has read about asexuality, asks me questions, and never forces me to be an educator. However, they are allosexual and there is some aspect of the relationship that they want that sometimes I can’t provide. We encourage honest communication with each other, and they have admitted to me that at times when I’m unable to feel any sexual attraction whatsoever, even though they do understand, there is a sense of rejection that weighs on them physically and emotionally. They try not to bring it up because they want to support me, but I hate seeing them so sad. Has anyone been in this situation? How can I help them not feel rejected and loved and affirmed without doing something my body 100% does not want to do at times?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #437

“Hey I just wanted to say this to someone who has a chance of understanding. I’m graysexual aro and to me my sexuality feels like three broken spirographs working together. It changes fast, hard and seemingly out of nowhere. I could be feeling totally ace when suddenly I feel so allo it hurts for no freaking reason.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #422

“I need advice

I’ve always referred to myself as Asexual but the truth is I do feel a little sexual attraction.

But my main problem lies in masturbation on itself.
I have been told it releases stress and recently begun to try it.
I have found I cannot no matter what I do reach a orgasm. It makes me feel like a failure. I am also a transgender male, so body dysphoria could be a part of it but I feel like it isn’t.

My situation is that I get distracted easily, my mind wanders and I just don’t finish and when I try its still not possible.

Is this a normal thing for people who are asexual? Is it only me? I need advice. It’s worsening my depression.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #400

“I am trying to figure out whether I am asexual or somewhere on that spectrum but it’s very confusing. I’ve read a lot of definitions of different forms of sexuality and attraction but none of the labels seem to fit me exactly.So I was wondering if I described the way I am feeling you could tell me whether or not it sounds like asexuality or grey-sexuality or what?

I am a cis girl and I would normally say I am straight, I’m pretty sure I am heteromantic at any rate, or at least I get crushes on guys. I can definitely feel romantic attraction without feeling sexual attraction, when I get a crush I want to kiss and cuddle him and make out etc. But I’m not really sure where I am in terms of sexual attraction, it isn’t something I feel as strongly, and certainly never strongly enough to act upon. Definitions of grey-sexuality that I have read talk about experiencing sexual attraction very rarely, but they do not define what counts as rarely. One definition I read somewhere said “for example once or twice a lifetime or once every few years”. I experience something which I might call sexual attraction perhaps a few times in the space of a week, and then not again for months, though I’ve never kept a record of it so I’m not entirely sure. Is this rarely enough to be defined as grey-sexual, or is this the kind of frequency allosexuals experience?
Also I am not entirely 100% sure what I experience is sexual attraction. What I mean is that I sometimes fantasise about having sex with a person in a daydream kind of way and imagine that perhaps it might be quite nice, but its never strong enough to act upon. Does that count as sexual attraction?\”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #364

“I’m Demisexual grey-asexual who is not sex repulsed, rather sex apathetic UNTIL I see pretty graphically sexual stuff. For example simply logging into fb I can be exposed to soft porn in even just a WORK OUT video with the trainer being shown working in slow mo with the camera panning in on their ass or sweat trickling down the navel; drawing attention to other kind of irrelevant aspects of the work out (I do have a filter on my feed that blocks a certain degree of content) and of course the feelings I have about porn itself after learning what a filthy industry it is and how it preys on the young an naïve, both the actors and viewers. Sometimes I feel I’m overly sensitive about it , but this day in age i can’t escape it everyone loves wet raunchy sex. I dunno what to do? I already stay to myself and take all the precautions i can to avoid being exposed to it.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #362


I know this is random, but I have nowehere else to turn to and I can’t talk to anyone about this 😞 Please forgive me if I say too much

I am a gray-ace female and I know this is going to sound so weird and it just sounds wrong when I hear myself say this, but the truth is, as much as I wish it weren’t so, male sexuality really bothers me. And I’m not saying that anyone else that is sexual doesn’t bother me, but for some reason when it comes to guys and their sexual behavior/habits/interests/etc., I get really sad 😞 sometimes I feel angry. . . and I don’t want to feel that way! I think the reason why hetero male sexuality bothers me more so than any other sexuality is because it is something that tends to stand out more in our culture, and I can’t escape from it. I wish I didn’t care. I’m not sexist, I’m not a prude either. I wish this didn’t bother me so much, I probably sound crazy. I wasn’t like this when I just started hitting puberty and teenage boys never bothered me, their sexuality didn’t bother me either, really. But at some point in my life, around 14 or so, I started learning more and more about boys and men, and this made me immensely sad, hopeless, and something I can’t even really explain. Over the years I’ve tried my best to cope with it and there are a few things that don’t bother me as much anymore. But I still get triggers and pangs of panic, anger, or sadness. I don’t even think ‘anger’ is the right way to describe it because I’m not mad, but part of me feels like I’m mad at something. Everything that pertains to hetero male sexuality bothers me. I try to hold it down. Whenever I hear, see, or remember something pertaining to it, I feel tense, like a hand is gripping at my head. Some of the things that trigger me are thoughts or anyone or anything that talks about or jokes about teenage boys (their sexuality), when I see a scantily clad girl or woman in media or in person, or a naked female, I automatically think about how a male would sexually respond to her, want to sexually gratify himself to her (sorry, I apologize for how weird this is) and for some reason that makes me upset. . . (it didn’t used to before I looked into it too much). I wish it didn’t. Other things are just. . . well, pretty much anything that connects with what I have been talking about. I admit that misogyny also bothers me even though sexual objectification is normalized in our culture and misogyny is incorporated in modern porn, and I guess it can be a fantasy thing, but even that bothers me.

Please understand, I do NOT hate men/boys. But there are things that bother me about them, and I guess I could probably say the same thing for any sexual person. I am not against sexual people. But sadly, I experience things I wish I didn’t when it comes to them expressing things on a sexual level. Why? . . . I wish I knew. I kind of do know why, but it’s complicated and if you wish to ask, I could try to clarify the reasons.

Is this normal for a hetero gray asexual girl/person? I mean. . . I wouldn’t really even classify this as normal myself. But please. . . please help me. I want to get over this. And I understand if there’s not much you can say to help, but I want to hear what you think. . .
I want to talk about this because I want to move on. I want to live a happy and normal life without feeling sad about things I can’t control.

Also um. . . another thing lately that has been triggering me is guys talking about porn, or knowing that guys watch it, anything that has to do with that. Lately, I’ve been having bad dreams about being sad over this.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #291

“Anyways, for the past two months, I’ve been developing romantic feelings for a friend that I met in my hometown three years ago. She is SO amazing, always being there for me throughout some of the best and worst moments of my life and vice versa. She loves my affection and even compliments me back, which is something I rarely get from people, so it makes me feel special. We would always stay up late at night to chat with each other on Facebook, now that I moved abroad. I even have her address, so I sent her a few postcards and letters. She told me before that she would love to visit me and that if I were to move back, we could be roommates. We have complete trust in one another, with her knowing about my personal life and me knowing about hers. We have been talking less due to our busy schedules and her having a full-time job, which I understand. I sometimes go a few days up to two weeks without hearing anything from her on Facebook, which is fine. Two weeks ago, I admitted all of my feelings to her in a detailed Facebook message, telling her that I have a crush on her, and even going as far to tell her that *if* she had mutual feelings for me and *if* we were ever in a relationship together, that I would consider having sex with her. (She came out to me as demisexual and I am grey-asexual) I’ve never felt that way before, with her, or with anyone else that I’ve dated or have had a crush on and I’ve dated two other people back in my home country. Anyways, I’ve been feeling really vulnerable and ashamed of myself since I sent that. She saw my message and hasn’t responded yet and I’m worried that I scared her away because she doesn’t tag me in funny things whereas she used to before. I told her that I would never be jealous or upset if she didn’t have any feelings for me and/or liked someone else instead. She told me before that I could never do anything to upset her and that she’s a very forgiving person, but I wouldn’t want to ever push her buttons or take advantage of her extraordinary personality. What should I do?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #230

“I recently met someone and we’re dating online, but she has a VERY high sex drive. Like, REALLY high. She’s extremely kinky. And I’m gray ace. She knows this, but I don’t think she knows what it means. She still treats me like I’m completely straight. In late October I’m going to meet her, and she’s made it VERY clear that she wants to sleep with me… I told her I’m really nervous about the idea, and she said if I’m not ready then I don’t have to do it, but I’d feel like a jerk for leading her on like this. Because I don’t want to have sex with her. She turns me on, but I don’t want our genitals to go anywhere near each other… and I can’t tell her that. Whenever we videochat, she pretty much just flirts the whole time, and she’s turned on the entire time… what do I do in October?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #218

“Does anyone have any links aimed more or less at grey-As that they’d recommend? I’m looking for pretty much anything that’s not a 101 resource – blogs, articles, essays, forums, YouTube channels, you name it. The more catered it is towards sex repulsed individuals the better (though not a requirement).”

Here are the replies