From the inbox #743

“I’m not asexual but I am on the spectrum and looking for advice.

So I’m going through a dilemma in my current relationship. I’m very much a demisexual while my boyfriend is aromantic heterosexual. We’ve been best friends for three years, dating for two. He’s very sexual but I need a very strong bond with a person before I can even consider it. Even then I don’t always desire it or really enjoy it all that much.

We’ve always had constant struggles but right now I’m having a hard time keeping an emotional connection with him due to the lack of “romance” if you will. Resulting in me losing my attraction to him. This isn’t the first time either. I should add we are now long distance and he works nights so we don’t get to communicate much.

I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel but he still believes everything is fine. That I’m just over thinking it. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if we can rekindle our relationship or if we should just be friends.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #742

“Hello,
I saw your post about what a squish is. I’m still fairly new to the ace world. Going on two years being openly asexual. And I wanted opinions on how to approach someone about being your squish?

As the definition stated it’s an intense feeling of attraction, liking appreciation, and/or admiration for person you usually want to get to know better and become close with. It’s different from just wanting to be friends and that there is an intensity about it and it is proportion sense of elation when they like and appreciate you back.

There have been many times in my life where I met a person or made a friend that I liked so much that I just wanted to be around them, hang out with them, and talk with them all the time. In a way that goes beyond just saying you seem cool let’s be friends. But most the time I’ve had these encounters we never even become close friends because of conflicting schedules or distance. The one time in my life this wasn’t the case was with a friend of many years and when our schedules finally matched up we quickly went from close friends, to best friends, to now being a hetero romantic asexual couple for the past year and a half.

But I digress.
In recent years I’ve made a few ace friends and there’s one in particular that I have found a kindred spirit with. They’re pretty introverted and spend most their time with family instead of friends so it’s difficult and sometimes I feel bad even attempting to ask them to do stuff and half the time I don’t even know how to ask. I just want to get to know them more but I don’t want to force them to go out, or spend money, or interact with people they don’t know either.
I also don’t want them to think it’s weird that a hetero romantic ace in a relationship has an interest in becoming squishes with an Aero ace.

Is that weird?
What should I do?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #736

“In terms of relationships, how much do community/friends/family play a part in helping shape your identity? Have you found significant solace and understanding from being a part of an asexual community, or (depending on the support given) can friends or family still significantly help nurture your wellbeing and sense of self?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #733

“Where do you draw the line between someone who is just a friend and someone who is your “zucchini (someone you’re in an ace aro queer platonic relationship QPR with)”? And if you’re Demi how do those QPRs fit in with your romantic relationships? Do you feel that by having a QPR in addition to a spouse makes you non-monogamous?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #694

“I grew up in a Christian family my whole life. Everyday I am constantly reminded of God and His love. I was taught how to live the ‘true’ Christian way and to be a ‘respectable’ one.
But as I grew, I was also told to not get into relationships quickly. And of course, I didn’t. Not because I was raised with the mindset.
But because I didn’t /feel/ it.
As a child, I was a huge geek. And therefore silent since everyone around me in school were ‘preppy’. One time, two of my friends dragged me around the school hallways, stalking two of our male classmates. Every time one of the boys would turn, they’d pull me along to hide. I didn’t understand why. So I asked soon enough, “Why are we hiding?”. They gave me a really surprised look, as if I didn’t know something that was obvious. They told me they had a crush on them, and I asked again on why would they hide if they just like them? I mean, we like each other too, then why are we not hiding from each other? That was what I pondered about when I was young, and it was left unanswered until a few years later. I noticed how from every film and book I read or game I play, everyone has their own favorite character, simply because they fell in love with them. For me, although, it was only a matter of the interest of seeing a character struggle and grow that makes them my favorite. Which is then my friends would look at me strangely, because obviously, my reason was a ‘lie’ to them.
Moving on to more years later, I was questioned by a group of girls if I ever gotten into a relationship. I said no, I didn’t. They then asked if I had a crush on someone. I’d always say no, and they would always give me that glance of doubt.

“You’re lying”
“Oh really now? Not even once?”
“What, you’re gay?”

It…. Hurts to feel alienated because of that. Because of how I confused many, I explained my situation. But I always get the same response..

“Stop assuming.”
“Impossible. You’ll find the right one someday.”
“I’m betting 300 bucks you will get married in the future.”
“Pfft, stop being in denial.”

Because of that perception, I grew afraid of even answering such questions. To the point someone talks to me about getting into a relationship, getting married, having a family. I get sick. I feel sick, a churning in my stomach and the spinning of my head. There are times I just breakdown upon the topic.

Because of that. I was always the ‘weird’ one. The liar. I can’t even go up to speak to someone of the opposite gender without people yelling out that I’m interested in them, and that I was lying all the time.

Coming to the age of 16 as well, my parents and family would unknowingly throw me into pressure and anxiety when they say things like:

“When you become a parent..”
“When you marry…”
“Do you have a boyfriend yet?”
“In time, your partner will come..”

I get dizzy. With the only thought being forced to my head by the people around me saying

“If you don’t get a partner, you will suffer a life alone.”

That was the only term that repeated in my head. Again and again.
And I was afraid. Because I had never once taken both sexual and romantic interest on anyone. I don’t feel it at all. And that made me feel abnormal.

One day during my health class in junior high, I knocked down one of my books and fell open. Upon picking it up, I read through the open content.

There were three sexualities listed. I always thought there were only two. And so I read on.

Heterosexual
Homosexual
Asexual

My eyes pinned on the term ‘asexual’. And that’s when I believed I must be under this sexuality. So, when I got home, I decided to search about it. Research about it. Ponder about it. And I was soon introduced to so many other genders and sexualities that I have not even heard of.

I had felt… So relieved. And I am glad I’ve come across people in the same situation as me. It’s good to know I’m not alone, and that I was never abnormal.

I believe this is the way God made me. And to represent an image of what is also ‘human’.

I don’t care anymore on how much the people around me pressure me. Or say that I’m delusional and in the wrong. For someone who does not feel this freedom I have, I give no right for theird words to pierce me once more”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #632

“My sister is only 15 and so the types of relationship don’t make much sense to her at all. She only really knows the whole “I like you” part but not the ways you can be attracted to someone. I want to be able to explain it to her since makes comments sometimes about how she thought she liked girls and normally prefers them but is dating a boy and it confuses her a little. She’s shrugging it off as being ‘Bi-lesbian’. But no matter what she identifies as I feel like she could always benefit from being able to tell the difference. So ANY advice on how to explain the difference would be appreciated. Right now she thinks there is “Liking someone” or “Being friends”. That romantic relationships are just being friends with them. As a Demisexual Panromatic person I found never being taught the difference to be very damaging and isolating for me. It caused years of unnecessary pain and confusion, doubts and “I’m broken” type thoughts. I don’t want to chance that with my baby sister. She can be anything and my family will love her all the same. I just want to give her the information in a way she understands, so she can be more sure of herself.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 625

“Hello Aces,
I am feeling very happy to share with all of you that our Application (ACE App for Android phone ) for Asexual people will be launch within next month June 2017.
1. It is not only a Dating Application you can find friends, do chatting, find partner as well.
2. In this application you have option to select your type of Asexuality.
3. We understand your privacy so don’t worry noone can see personal information without your permission.
4. You can select your hobbies and can write about yourself on your profile.
5. Most important thing is this application has designed only for Asexuals so there will be no sex seekers if you find any you can report that account.
So what are you waiting for
Like our page for any queries, news and more information about ACE app and Don’t forget to invite your Asexual friends .
Here is the link

Link

Here are the replies

From the inbox 609

“I just found this page like an hour ago and I must say I’ve never felt so normal! I thought I’d introduce myself with a recent story of my ace troubles. I went to a convention and met a guy named Tom who was talking to another friend of mine. Tom mentioned he just moved to my state and was socially awkward and didn’t know anyone. Later, I saw Tom walking alone and texting, so I called him over and introduced him to my friends. We kinda ended up dragging him around all night to meet our other friends but he was getting along well and having great conversations so I was proud to help him get his footing in a new community. The next day, however, he started messaging me with requests to go out. I got super nervous and didn’t respond for a while. He got antsy and I admitted I just got out of a long term relationship (true) and wasn’t looking for anything serious. He then starts trying to guilt me by saying he thought I thought he was cute but he must be wrong, he always gets walked over, and all women always lie and play games. That last bit was the final straw. I told him I never promised him anything, and he insisted I screwed with him. So I told him to f*ck off and unfriended him. I’ve had similar experiences my whole life, and the trouble is men seem to find me conventionally attractive, which makes just making friends impossible when we get close enough that they ask me out and I have to turn them down. I guess that’s why I’ve resisted accepting my asexuality for so long”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 582

“So, I write to you coming off a trip with my high school chior. During the trip I was surrounded by friends and was having a great time! However things got uncomfortable on the bus ride there when we started to play a game called “paranoia”. We go in a circle asking questions in a whisper so only the asker and the person answering know the question. They answer and you flip a coin, heads you are safe tails you say what they asked. Alot of sexual questions were asked and said. All fun. But a friend of mine, who has a boyfriend keep in mind, continuously hit on me during the trip. I could be wrong because I’m terrible at flirting. But it was pretty aparent, she would sit with me every chance she got, she decided to lay on me in the bus to try and get me to cuddle, she winked constantly at me when she said something sexual. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Is that normal?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #557

TW: Harassment

“I got harrassed and punished by employers, colleagues and friends for not giving them wat they wanted me… Although I amnot asexual but maybe unox or sth else or just going through a post trauma. I have litlle sex experience but nnever had it for my pleasure just to please someone. Which I stopped and waiting for sexual attraction for someon, not yet felt it fo
Theres hardly any good friendship in my life not came to such point that.. Person fall in love and strat demanding for sex passively or attractive. And hence a breakup .
Another loss of friend
No matter male or female, females are more crazy because they are more impulsive and sensitive. And they think being a girl thet have a righr over everyman to seduce and he dare not to comply
And when they wont get wat they need.. They get furious
boys were rather more rational, after the span of time, friendship or interaction, they fell for this thing..
Mostly they were nice friends(male), i even wanted to keep them by giving wat they wanted but I cudnt. I chose to struggle and be alone. Leaving them behind one by one.
Eventhough I was needed their help, eventhough I cud give them sex, nmatter male or female. But my mind and heart were not convinced anymore.
I lost so many caring, valuable friends and relationships”