From the inbox #824

“I recently have been trying to stick up for myself and defend my asexuality, but my mother just won’t seem to accept it. She always tells me things like “You’ll get over it.” I’ve always been terribly uncomfortable with people touching me physically, and I just don’t think I can handle talking about these kinds of things, especially when she won’t listen. It also doesn’t help my boyfriend’s mother told me that if I’m dating her son I need to give her grandkids. I quite honestly despise children, but both her and my mother are certain I’m going to have them at some point. Is it even possible to get across people like this? -Thanks”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #823

“I’ve never been a social person in the first place, although I have had two “relationships” that both lasted for less than a few days because I definitely know I’m asexual, but I’m still confused whether I’m aromantic or homoromantic. Or something. These purely innocent relationships just made me feel extremely uncomfortable, but if it were expressed platonically I would’ve been fine.

So then, I decided to stop giving into peer pressure as I didn’t enjoy the idea of dating and I don’t see it in my future. I also have no desire for starting a family.

Why I’m saying all of this is because my younger brother (who is not in highschool) had been yelling at me to get a boyfriend because I’m a senior in school. I asked why and his answer was “because you need a life”. I kept asking but he just kept saying the same thing. “You’re a loser if you don’t have one. When I’m in highschool I’ll get a girlfriend. You’re a boring idiot.” He’s usually nice to me and everything so… Okay? Puberty has graced him and it seems like a lot of people share his views and see life as meaningless if you’re single, as if you can’t rely on yourself for your own happiness.

My dad had also had a convo with me about kids. I told him I would never have any because they’re not my thing. His answer? “Okay sweetheart, but it would be really good if you did. It would make me happy.” From him it just sounds like he’s guilt tripping me and it wouldn’t have bothered me otherwise. I’ve had a similar thing happen with my aunties who tell me I’ll change my mind or blatantly ignore me when I tell them no and keep going on with their conversations. It gets frustrating when it’s shoved down my throat.

My sister agreed with my brother (who is also young) but I don’t get why they think that way. At least my mum hasn’t talked to me about it and I don’t think it would bother her if she knew, but that’s that. How would you treat this?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #816

“I came out as initially asexual and then Demi-sexual and finally (because I finally figured myself out) as pan-romantic, gray-asexual to my mom. It’s kind of upsetting that each time her reaction has always been ‘you’ll find someone eventually/you just haven’t found the right one yet’. However, I came out with my ace-ness to my aunt, and she was just like ‘well, that makes sense’ and was totally cool with it! I’m just super excited that someone in my family is cool with my ace-ness!”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #796

“Just something I’d like to share.(vulgar language warning for anyone that is uncomfortable by it, but it’s just in the paragraph underneath this one) I’m from a small town, and I’m the only ace I know of in my area. (There used to be a panromantic ace that I was good friends with, but she moved to California.) And since asexuals are virtually unknown around here, I get some interesting experiences. I’m a greyromantic Asexual, and I’m only completely out to one person. For everyone else, I just drop subtle hints like the ace flag in the corner of my picture or the symbols in my insta bio.

So first, my favorite which actually happened today. We were talking about the word adulterate since it was on our vocab list, and friend 1 chimes in. “If you guys could f*ck anyone in this school, who would it be?” Friend 1 and friend 2 start listing off names while I sit quietly and awkwardly. Then, they turn to me. I get nervous since I don’t have any names to list off, but I don’t want to come out yet. So, trying to think of something quickly, I just say, “does yourself count?” Friend 1 says “ewwww” and starts laughing, friend 2 is dying laughing.

Then, another time I was talking with everyone at the table for why I didn’t want to move to Florida. My brother’s friend decides to comment. “Yeah, but imagine all the babes you’ll meet on the beach.” My response was, “maybe I don’t want babes.” (I was kicking myself later because I thought of something funny to say. Earlier I had complained about the heat, and I realised I could have said “didn’t I say I don’t like it hot?”) I’ve never seen a more confused look on someone’s face in my life, and it was absolutely glorious.

A little bit later on, I’m talking to my brother’s friend again. He brought up how I did my face paint for the football game, (which was honestly badass) and he said something along the lines of “what was that about?” I explained that our mascot was the devil, and I like to go all out for the football games. (Even though I don’t really watch the football games, I just wonder around and socialize.) I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it had something to do with there being no point to it since it won’t attract anyone. I then brought up how he brought an inflatable alien to the bar with him. He got kind of jokingly defensive. “Hey, mine was at least successful. Fred [the alien] got me a picture with two hot blondes.” “Mine was a success.” I say. “No it’s not, did it get you a boyfriend?” He says. “No bu-” I get cut off by him chiming in “then it wasn’t a success!” “Maybe the goal wasn’t to get a boyfriend.” I reply mockingly. “That’s always the goal.” He says.

Then this other time, I was talking to a different friend of my brother’s. We’ll call him brf #2. So BRF #2 teases me a lot. I was cooking myself some food, and he said that it smelled gross. Then, he said “I feel bad for your future husband.” There was a pause, and I was smirking. “Or girlfriend. I won’t judge your life choices.” He adds. At this point, it is killing me inside because I want to tell him so bad. There’s no worse feeling than holding in a laugh over a secret inside joke with yourself.

Lastly, a lady friend of my brother’s and I were talking. (Seems like I interact with my brother’s friends a lot, doesn’t it?) She asked me, “what would you even do if you had a boyfriend?” I already had the perfect response in the back of my head. “I don’t know, put a newspaper in the corner of the room. Leave him some Cheerios; that’s what boyfriends eat, right? Then, I’ll pet his hair once in awhile, and when I get annoyed, shoo him away.” My grandma’s in the background laughing. “It sounds like you want a pet, not a boyfriend.” She remarks. Bingo, grandma.

I know some of the responses by the people here may seem degrading, but I promise you, they are awesome otherwise. Not one of them even knows what ace is, so this is a fairly new concept which is why I’m not ready to come out yet. This was meant to be a fun post, but I’d like to ask for advice from you guys. I do feel like it’s time to come out, but I don’t know how to go about it or how anyone will respond. My brother just got done watching the new season of Bojack Horseman, and he knows I watch the show. I’m afraid if I come out to him, he’ll think I saw it on Bojack Horseman and just wanted to be like that. Besides the two friends in my first example, most of my friends are lgbt+ and I don’t want them to think that I’m just doing it to fit in. Also, for the people who have never even heard of ace, I don’t want them to think I just made it up. I want life to go on as normal, but this is an important part of myself that should just be a, “by the way… This is a thing.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #791

TW: Rape, abuse, slurs, invalidation

“I first realised I was asexual at the age of 16, the whole time before then I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. Discovering the term asexual and being able to relate took a whole load off of my shoulders. I finally understood why I wasn’t interested in people and I was happy.

Sadly, that happiness didn’t last long. After a few months I decided to tell my mum, who pretty much just rolled her eyes and went on a tangent on how there is only straight or gay people and to stop making crap up.

I was disheartened, but not surprised by her reaction. So, I decided to tell my dad(who is a biromantic homosexual) thinking he’d totally get it. No. The first thing he did was laugh, say that’s what plants do. I decided to show him a simple description for him and he was silent for a few minutes. After a while he turned to me and said, “Don’t be stupid, Nise-apotamus. You just haven’t met anyone yet, you’re still a baby. I know! Alan and I will take you to a gay bar and find you a nice butch lesbo to bunk up with.” I was honestly gobsmacked. I told him I didn’t want to, that I’m not a lesbian. He laughed again and said, “You won’t know until you try.” I stopped talking to him for a few months after that.

Next up was my eldest sister. I used to tell her everything. Her response was just, “Why don’t you just date that guy Matt that has been crushing on you for three years. That’ll probably fix you.”

After those three responses, I thought maybe they were right and I was wrong, so I decided to go on a date with Matt. However, I learned that no, I wasn’t wrong, they were. I hated being touched, kissed, etc. I couldn’t even say I loved him, because I didn’t. So, I broke it off. Luckily, Matt understood, even thanked me for being honest.

When I was 19 I managed to secure my first full time job. It started off great. My mum and siblings worked there with me so I wasn’t completely alone and it made it easier for me to make friends.
About six months in, I learned that another Matt liked me, however this one was 30 years old. I kept telling him I was interested, just wanted to be friends, etc. he couldn’t accept that, kept persisting. My sister once again said maybe he could fix me, and again I relented. It was okay at first, he’d just swing by for dinner with me and my family, we’d go for a walk, but otherwise we only ever hung out at work.
One day, I thought, he always comes to my place for dinner, maybe it’s my turn to go to his place for a simple dinner. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
He made dinner, then decided to go out with friends, leaving me alone in his apartment. I watched Supernatural the whole time, until I fell asleep.
I was woken by him stumbling in drunk, and then climbing into the bed next to me. Started saying he heard from my mum that I was asexual, but it was obvious I was just scared and that he’d be happy to help me overcome my fear.
I said no, I’m not interested in sex. He didn’t listen and forced me to do various sexual activities. He fell asleep soon after, but I was wide awake, crying. I texted my friend in America and she told me to get out, to go home. So I did.

I broke up with him the next day, that I didn’t want him to come to our house anymore. He was confused, but agreed. A few weeks later three rumours spread about me at work. 1. I am frigid. 2. I’m a slut. 3. I’m a lesbian.
Work proceeded to get harder for me, everyone was talking behind my back. Matt also started to follow me around at work, even sat next to me when we worked in two different departments. He used to gossip about me to one of the girls in my department right in front of me. Even told her he was in love with me.
I reported him to my manager who told me he couldn’t do anything in case it’s work related, but he can if it was during a break.
Manager never helped, soon he heard the rumours and I was forced to tell him about being asexual and that Matt wasn’t handling the break up well. You know what happened? I was fired for being a was going to believe the teenager over the 30 year old cis that had been working there longer?
Six months after that, I got a text from Matt at 4am saying that he still loved me and wanted to help me. He even went as far as buying a car just to drive my mum home from work so he could see me.

When I was 22′ I was gang r*ped by a 4 people- 3 male and 1 female claiming I just needed a good fuck.

At 25 when I went overseas to visit a friend, I was beat up for trying to invade queer spaces.

At 27 I was called a snowflake and told to kill myself by a drag queen who didn’t believe in Asexuals at a Pride march.

I am now 28, I’m Demigender, I’m panromantic, and I’m still Ace, and I am going to keep fighting for visibility and equal rights.

Aces are discriminated against, we are shunned, and mistreated. We face corrective r*pe, abuse, and harassment. I will keep fighting and I will not back down.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #662

“I was wondering if panromantic or homoromantic ace’s have any tips for coming out to parents. I think they’ll accept me but will struggle to understand which is what I “worry” about. I am panro but never considered coming out because I have never felt the need to, but I think I may be getting into a relationship and I don’t want to have to hide them from my parents. Other people I couldn’t care less about coming out to, a few people already know through association to us both and are obviously very supportive.
I’ve considered messaging my parents with info and basically saying “it me” or printing info out. I just think I’ll struggle to say it to them without them knowing what it is first.
Thanks in advance!”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #544

“I just wanted to say, that this page is amazing to me. I look at this page and I feel normal, like I should, but today when I was finally feeling confident enough to tell her, my mother told me that my sexuality is not real and it doesn’t even have a name, and though I tried to explain it, I felt too shocked that a woman so dear to me could say such a thing to her own daughter, that I have decided that I will not be trying to be open with my family other than my sister. This page brings me lots of joy in seeing others like me, and I came here because this page really makes me feel valid. I just really wanted to share that with you, and tell you that I accept all of you, you are all valid, and that this page truly is amazing for helping me cope with my mixed feelings.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #452

TW: Abuse

“I’m pretty sure that I’ve been ace my whole life. As a teenager, I was mocked pretty badly by the only people who I called friends because I wasn’t dating, and I didn’t have a crush on anyone. Keep in mind, I’ve also always been the small town nerd – I was an easy target because I didn’t fit into the standard small town girl mold. I watched anime before watching anime was cool and I never stopped collecting Pokémon cards.

I still remember one incident when my friends kept harassing me about who my crush was. I said someone’s name – not because I liked them – but to get them off my back. The next day my whole school (which probably had under 100 students enrolled at the time altogether) knew and I became everyone’s target. I guess you could say I faked my first crush.

Fast forward to my first experience with community college. I became pretty closely connected to a group of nerds and we’d play lots of tabletop board games and magic the gathering. I ended up skipping a lot of my classes and academically, I performed really terribly in my classes. I started feeling terribly about myself, too. But then one of the guys who sat with us asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes even though I didn’t like him because I figured if I was dating someone, maybe my family members might stop making fun of me for being a lesbian.

The relationship turned really bad about 6 months in. He started abusing me and I stayed with him because I didn’t know how to leave. At that point, I had moved in with him in order to try to start my own life. I stayed with him for 3 and a half years, enduring emotional, physical, and financial abuse. I guess I eventually ended up finding my breaking point when I left him… I don’t know how i did. All I know is that one morning, before he left for work, I told him I was leaving him and I told my mom about leaving him, and about the abuse, and my stuff was packed and I got out of his house before he got back home from work.

I don’t think my family respects my asexuality because of this experience. My direct family just doesn’t talk about me and relationships in the same context. My family that I see less often still thinks that I just haven’t found the right man yet. Maybe God will find me the right man later in life. I don’t know at this point. I’m just frustrated because I feel like my history with domestic violence is making it impossible for my family to respect me as a heteroromantic asexual woman.

I managed to pull myself out of a situation where my ex had me in an incredible amount of debt (which I paid off on my own), I finished my community college education after my ex had told me that I wasn’t capable of getting my degree, and now I’m studying in the exact university that my ex told me I’d never make it in to.

I’m single. I’m not sure if I’m happy, but I know that I feel like I’m winning right now. It gets better.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #415

“So, I came out to my parents over the summer, but since I’m a teen, I don’t really think they believe I’m an ace. Anyway, my school has a GSA, and when I was on swim team, I would go to the GSA meetings. Swim has since ended, so I told my parents about GSA. For a month and a half now, they’ve been saying “we’ll see” when I ask if I can go, but I know that’s them saying no. Any ideas on how I can convince them?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #402

“I am in my mid twenties and I always (till a few weeks back) just categorized myself as heterosexual. I just thought I like men, that’s the ‘norm’, and one day I would get married and be really happy with a couple of kids.
Now, I realize I could be ace. I never watch porn. I’ve dreamt of sex, sure, but I don’t want to do it. Completely no drive.
I’ve gone on dates just to figure out who I am, and get weirded out if the person tries to kiss me.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m from India so our parents don’t really understand these things. Pre marital sex and dating is still frowned up in many families, and my family is like that too. Forget about choice of partner, my parents think I should settle down (soon) with a man of their liking.
I’ll have a say in it for sure, but I they certainly wouldn’t approve of me delaying the inevitable.
I’m okay with this concept of arranged marriages and think it’s really beneficial for people who have certain stringent requirements. I personally love the idea of being married to your best friend and doing all these cool things together, achieving targets together and planning your life/family.
However the physical connection aspect freaks me out.
I don’t want to cheat someone by marrying them, and then if I refuse sex, they might get really mad and not understand me.
And my parents won’t understand me wanting to not get married
I don’t really have a question for you, more like clarity on the issue.
I am a woman , btw”

Here are the replies