From the inbox 566

TW: Mentioning of rape

“I’m not exactly sure how to explain this… I don’t know of anyone else who feels this way… I identify as a Demiromantic Demisexual who is sex-repulsed. But this one thing, I can’t identify at all… All I know is that when I either think of a certain something or try a certain something, things get bad for me emotionally… When I try to make love with my partner (the only who seems to be immune to my sex-repulsion) I can’t even reach my first orgasm without having to push them off then rolling over and curling into a ball while sobbing uncontrollably. And if I even try to imagine having making love with someone else, the closing thing I can use to describe the feeling is rape, but I have never been raped so I don’t even know. I’ve never been assaulted or anything of the sort. I have no idea why this happens or why I feel this way… I don’t exactly know who to ask or talk to either… I’m hoping someone can help me or at least point me in the right direction.”

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From the inbox #532

“Hello! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m demisexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We recently found out that he is being transferred for work across the country. We have been trying to work out what we are going to do. Am I going with him, are we going to try long distance, or are we breaking up? Neither of us wants to break up, and don’t think that long distance will work for us. In his mind, moving across the country together makes our relationship permanent. We have both admitted that we think that the other one is our person. He is hesitating because we don’t have passion together. We do have sex, and enjoy it, but it’s not tv/movie look at each other and jump bones, passion. He has had that in the past, and says that is the only flaw in our relationship for him, and he is trying to decide for himself if that is a deal breaker. He has literally said everything else is perfect. I’m really struggling with this because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I didn’t even know that the TV passion was a real thing. It made me feel broken when he said it. We started our relationship knowing that he is very sexual and that I’m demisexual. We are in an open relationship, and it has worked very well for us. I just don’t know what to do. This time limit is stressing me out. He moves in July. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have advice for me? He is a fantastic person, and this has never been an issue for us before, but this time limit is making us question everything. Any advice or shared struggles would be helpful.
Thanks,
J”

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From the inbox #530

“I would identify myself as demisexual, bit have recently come to the realisation that this is at least in part because I don’t experience physical attraction, people only become attractive because of their personalities or whether what they are doing/wearing fulfils my fantasys/kinks.

I was wonder if anyone had heard a better name anywhere on the aceosphere that fits me better?”

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From the inbox #528

“Hey, just wondering if this is a demi thing…
I don’t really find anyone physically attractive till I’ve gotten to know them actually…
Just wondering if other demi’s are the same or if I’m just weird.”

Physically is meant as aesthetically.

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From the inbox #523

“Hi, so I wanted to share something that’s kinda weird but I wanted to know if this is a common thing about aces and ace-specs. I’m a hetero demisexual cisgirl in a relationship with a boy, and he’s the ONLY person who I feel is sexy. The weird thing is, (and this is a NSFW topic) but when I masturbate, I don’t fantasize about him, in fact, I don’t fantasize at all. I tried but it just never worked for me. However, when I do fantasize about sexy times with him, I prefer not to masturbate. He asked once what I fantasize about when going solo but I just draw blanks because I don’t is this common?”

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From the inbox #509

“So, please bear with me on this, i’m not sure if i’m going to explain it right. I’ve never been much of a sexual person. I always just chalked it up to a low libido. I enjoy sex when I have it, but I very very rarely have any urges to have it. I can look at a stranger and find him very attractive, but I’ve never looked at a stranger and wanted to have sex with him (does that actually happen to people just by looking at someone?) I am a very physical person in all other regards, kissing, snuggling, etc.. Just not sexually. When in a relationship, the desire does rise a little bit, but only slightly. I’ve always joked that I need to find a guy with ED in order to make a relationship work without sex very often. I guess i’m just wondering, does this make me asexual? I’ve read a bunch of things and some things make me think yes, but then others don’t quite match up. I mean, I have no problems with it if I am. It would definitely explain a lot of things. My doctor kept saying it’s just hormone imbalance but anytime I had tests done they came back normal. Either way it’s nice to know there are other people out there that don’t care about sex. Gives me hope to actually finding someone. Anyway, I hope you can help. If you have any questions that would help you give better answers, ask away. I’m an open book and have very few qualms talking about personal things.”

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From the inbox #494

“To start off with sorry if this is a long post but I’ve been a little conflicted with what I can identify as even though I’ve been told labels aren’t important but I feel it would help me understand myself better. So I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person in my life and that person is my husband, I love being intimate with him because I feel like it’s the closest we can be physically but I have never felt that with anyone else. I have had sex before with my other partners but I was never sexually attracted to any of them or into the sex I mostly only really did it because at the time I thought that was what was expected in a normal relationship. I find some people aesthetically pleasing but I’ve never really had that whole, “I want to have sex with that person,” feeling.
What makes things more confusing for me is that I’ve never really wanted to have sex with someone except my husband because they were sexually attractive but there are times that I’ve recalled being horny and just going with it because I’ve never really been into masturbating.
Up until recently I’ve identified as demisexual because I wouldn’t even consider dating someone until I developed an emotional connection with someone but I’m not even sure if that’s the correct term considering with all my other relationships their personality became more attractive to me the more emotionally connected I was with the person but their looks didn’t matter much and I don’t remember becoming sexually attracted to them really just more willing to do stuff with them because I always thought that sex was okay if you were in love with someone because it was more intimate and that was something I considered special to do with someone.
Sorry if this is a confusing and long post I’ve been a little conflicted and confused myself.”

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From the inbox #491

“So, i need advice. I’m Demisexual and fine with sex so long as it’s gentle and loving, my partner is very sexual and prefers forceful “call me your whore” sex. My partner fully supports my sexuality and tries to understand it but it feels like anything sexual we do is purely for them now, because i’m insecure and don’t want to disappoint. how do i explain things without making my partner feel like a horrible person?”

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From the inbox #468

“I recently discovered that I’m demisexual. Explains a lot since the thought of casually hooking up disgusted me, I never understood who would you do games, never had a celebrity crush, didn’t understand the words hot, sexy, or attractive, among several other things. I (a woman) have been with my boyfriend/ best friend for years and he’s the only person that I have any sexual attraction towards, but I hate sexting him. When I read about demisexuality for the first time, I never before identified with something so much and I was relieved that there was nothing wrong with me.

However, I’m still struggling with this new aspect of my identity. How does demisexuality fit into the ace spectrum? I would only ever consider being with men, but since I’ve only ever felt attraction for my boyfriend my whole life, am I heterosexual? Is “demisexual” an acceptable response to the question “what’s your sexual orientation?” I’m brand new to this community so any support or stories would help!”

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From the inbox #408

“Can you be demisexual but also be sexually attracted to like celebrities for example? Like i know im not gonna meet them but i have like thoughts about them but when it comes to real people im not really attached until we have an emotional connection. Is that weird? Idk. Like idk what to tell people when they ask???”

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