From the inbox #743

“I’m not asexual but I am on the spectrum and looking for advice.

So I’m going through a dilemma in my current relationship. I’m very much a demisexual while my boyfriend is aromantic heterosexual. We’ve been best friends for three years, dating for two. He’s very sexual but I need a very strong bond with a person before I can even consider it. Even then I don’t always desire it or really enjoy it all that much.

We’ve always had constant struggles but right now I’m having a hard time keeping an emotional connection with him due to the lack of “romance” if you will. Resulting in me losing my attraction to him. This isn’t the first time either. I should add we are now long distance and he works nights so we don’t get to communicate much.

I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel but he still believes everything is fine. That I’m just over thinking it. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if we can rekindle our relationship or if we should just be friends.”

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From the inbox #733

“Where do you draw the line between someone who is just a friend and someone who is your “zucchini (someone you’re in an ace aro queer platonic relationship QPR with)”? And if you’re Demi how do those QPRs fit in with your romantic relationships? Do you feel that by having a QPR in addition to a spouse makes you non-monogamous?”

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From the inbox #730

TW: Abuse, coercion

“Hi. I wanted to give some comission about demisexuality, as I found that it falls under some kind od asexuality.
For a long time I’ve been thinking I was asexual. I Was afraid that it might be caused by a sexual trauma I’ve, sadly, experienced. It made me think that I am not a true ace but a person with a sexual drive silenced by fear. Then, when I’ve found a partner after all, she did not understand it and quite forced me to have sex with her even that she knew what had happened to me before. I loved her, tho and started enjoying sex with her. But when she finally left me I stopped feeling anything. I wanted to give up on it at all. It didn’t last long because I found someone new. But even that I liked her, I still did not feel anything. She then asked me, if I was ace. I did not agree but didn’t know how to call myself. We started having sex, but I did not feel anything at all, but she respected it and gave me time, until I decided myself that I am ready to start. It all changed after some time. I felt closer to her and trusted her a lot more. I got to know her and feel comfortable with her. It was when she said it is probably demisexuality. After all the years I found who I am, and that my feelings are not any aberration nor anything wrong. I finally found myself and felt valid. Now I know after all the years, that there isn’t anything wrong with me an my trauma or the fact, that I am transgender doesn’t make me any less valid, that anybody else – ace, sexual, cis or nb or still searching. I wanted to say it and spread around the whole community – you ARE valid and you should never push yourself into anything. You deserve respect and feeling loved. Take care

From the inbox #669

“I know about asexuality for quite a while now, and sometimes even considered I am, but I was never really sure or just thought: nah, you’re not a real asexual person then. I had sex two times in my life with a person I really trusted, but I just didn’t enjoy it. I never had any bad sexual experiences, but when I think about sex, I start feeling a bit uncomfortable or annoyed about having it myself. I feel like other people are OVERLY interested in anything sexual. I never really understood this “this person is so hot”-concept. No matter what gender or what body it is, but I don’t understand people who get aroused because of nudity. I can find a girl’s face cute and beautiful, but this aesthetic affection is pretty much all. Honestly the one thing that would be arousing for me is only when two people share a deep connection. But I would never want to imagine being in this situation myself. I hope this is not too explicit – however, I do masturbate, but I don’t want to share this with anybody. Other people seem to do. I’ve been in this situation quite a few times and it was always annoying or gross for me. Especially when I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to have sex. French kisses were always disgusting for me. Truth be told, this relationship wasn’t really based on love, more because I wanted to fill a void, and here’s that: What makes me unsure is the fact that I would want to kiss (still no French kisses tho, haha) and a bit more if I would find a person I am really close to. I just don’t know if sex would ever feel good for me. It was never a big part of my life, and I guess many people have been told “you just haven’t found the right person yet”. Thing is, I really don’t know if that’s true in my case. I am looking for a person I can truly love and connect with, so maybe I am really asexual, or well maybe just demisexual. I don’t know, really. What do you guys think about that?”

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From the inbox #663

“You see, I’m Demisexual, and I used to identify an ace until I realized I would like sex but only with a very close significant other. However, recently, though I have no one I’m with currently, I have been getting sexual feelings, but not to any specific person. In fact, I don’t even think of someone at all, I just sort of do and I’m super lost. I don’t know if I’m still considered Demisexual or not. Please help”

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From the inbox #661

“My wife and I have been going through kind of a pretty bad rough patch lately (won’t get into that here), and today I realized it’s gotten to the point that I don’t find her physically attractive anymore. Since she knows I’m demisexual, she said that means I don’t love her anymore. Tried to tell her I do and that I loved her earlier in our relationship before we started having sex, but she doesn’t seem to understand, so I don’t know what to do.”

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From the inbox 592

“How would the community of fast moving romantic asexual recommend being told to slow down? I am a demi-sexual who seems to find super snugly, quick to hold hands, etc asexual partners, and I either am tactless explaining they’re moving too fast or we break up cuz “”I don’t like them” right when I finally stop flinching from the space invasion… I am snuggly once I am fully on board with this squish, but I take a while to get on board. Got some recommendations?”

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From the inbox 590

“Recently I have been questioning my sexuality. I thought of myself as ace, but recently I have been having more and more sexual tendencies with my boyfriend. It’s not that we DO anything, he knows I’m ace, so he won’t unless I ask, but I’ve been having more and more thoughts about him the longer we’ve been together. I think I might be demisexual, but I’m still unsure. Any thoughts?”

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From the inbox 566

TW: Mentioning of rape

“I’m not exactly sure how to explain this… I don’t know of anyone else who feels this way… I identify as a Demiromantic Demisexual who is sex-repulsed. But this one thing, I can’t identify at all… All I know is that when I either think of a certain something or try a certain something, things get bad for me emotionally… When I try to make love with my partner (the only who seems to be immune to my sex-repulsion) I can’t even reach my first orgasm without having to push them off then rolling over and curling into a ball while sobbing uncontrollably. And if I even try to imagine having making love with someone else, the closing thing I can use to describe the feeling is rape, but I have never been raped so I don’t even know. I’ve never been assaulted or anything of the sort. I have no idea why this happens or why I feel this way… I don’t exactly know who to ask or talk to either… I’m hoping someone can help me or at least point me in the right direction.”

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From the inbox #532

“Hello! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m demisexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We recently found out that he is being transferred for work across the country. We have been trying to work out what we are going to do. Am I going with him, are we going to try long distance, or are we breaking up? Neither of us wants to break up, and don’t think that long distance will work for us. In his mind, moving across the country together makes our relationship permanent. We have both admitted that we think that the other one is our person. He is hesitating because we don’t have passion together. We do have sex, and enjoy it, but it’s not tv/movie look at each other and jump bones, passion. He has had that in the past, and says that is the only flaw in our relationship for him, and he is trying to decide for himself if that is a deal breaker. He has literally said everything else is perfect. I’m really struggling with this because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I didn’t even know that the TV passion was a real thing. It made me feel broken when he said it. We started our relationship knowing that he is very sexual and that I’m demisexual. We are in an open relationship, and it has worked very well for us. I just don’t know what to do. This time limit is stressing me out. He moves in July. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have advice for me? He is a fantastic person, and this has never been an issue for us before, but this time limit is making us question everything. Any advice or shared struggles would be helpful.
Thanks,
J”

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