From the inbox #1381

“TW: Hypersexuality, Sexual Assault Mention, Invalidation, Transphobia, Abuse, Internalized Transphobia
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
Hello all! Call me Ace! I’m a man of trans and queer experience. My pronouns are he/him. This is a long one, so buckle up!
Growing up, I always felt a bit off. I didn’t like myself in any way, and it showed. People noticed my lack of femininity and pounced on that. I felt sick because I couldn’t fit in. I felt sick because I couldn’t be myself.
When I entered high school, I dated a woman for the first time. I still identified as cisgender at the time. She was a woman of trans experience. She was a very sexual person into many kinks, and I was not. I was uncomfortable at even the mention of her sexual urges. One day, she started to scream at me that I didn’t want to have sex with her because I was transphobic. I gave in because I thought she was right, and I didn’t want to be seen as transphobic. I told everyone I loved her, and that all was well. But really, I acted sexual even though I had no desire to. We broke up. And I suddenly felt incredibly sexual. But any time I engaged in anything sexual, I felt dirty and often showered several times a day.
I dated a two feminine-identifying people, and had intimacy with one of them. This time it felt right, and happy. I still felt fairly hypersexual, though, and was sick at the thought of being sexual sometimes, even if my libido was incredibly high.
Fast forward a few years, and I met my now husband. He’s the light of my life, my whole world. And he just came out to me as aegosexual.
Aegosexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means you have a libido and experience sexual attraction, but generally toward hypothetical scenarios. For him, it also means he likes participating in sexual activities as long as nothing is directed at him.
This opened my eyes, and slowly everything fell into place. In doing research to better support him, I realized who I was. What I was. Being assaulted all those years ago had ingrained in me that to be loveable, I had to be sexual. And now I know the truth.
I am a demi-romantic, demi-sexual, gray-ace ace-flux, literature-excited person. That’s a fancy bunch of words that to me, mean the following:
-I have to have an intense friendship with someone to feel romantically attracted to them.
-I have to have an emotional bond, generally romantic, to be sexually attracted to them.
-I am on the asexual spectrum.
-I go between short times of feeling extremely sexual but long periods of feeling completely sex-repulsed, despite having a libido.
-I receive the most sexual pleasure through erotic/romantic written word.
I have seen so many posts about people in difficult situations because of their sexual partner. It breaks my heart. I have been there. I see you. I hear you. But there is someone out there for everyone; my husband and I have an incredibly strong romantic bond, and understand our sexuality perfectly. Do we have sex often? Absolutely not. Does that bother us? Not at all. We are worth everything. Our feelings and orientation matter. You are valid. I am valid.
We deserve happiness and safety. We deserve to feel clean ❤

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1375

“I’ve officially blocked enough ads for straight dating sites that facebook is suggesting that I try lesbians. My gender is set to I’m reading go away, until I figure things out… Progress, I suppose, but I feel like they missed my point entirely, which is I don’t use dating sites. Nothing against those that do… But I can’t decide if I’m cis or demigirl. Definitely demi sexual. And my person is an enbi. Yay, queer problems.
Side note, my phone auto corrected all the not straight terms to weird shit, like semi formal”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1338

“I identify as asexual or demi and have tried to talk to my friends about this but they laugh in my face and tell me im not. I cant blame them really, they have seen me kiss a person on a night out and associate this with being horny. Its sad because it took a lot for me to try and open up to them. They still tease me about that night and have called me a whore and slutty and it hurts every time they do because im already beating myself up about it enough. In my drunk logic, I kissed the person because i wanted to understand myself more and see if I felt any kind of sexual attraction (I still don’t think I do). I guess I wanted to share this because its not a stereotypical asexual thing to do and thought it may give people an opportunity to talk about similar scenarios or opinions on this”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1332

“I’m demi and I think I may have trauma-bonded with someone I do activism work with and now I’m attracted to them, has this ever happened to anyone else? I haven’t told them because I don’t want to fuck up our work – tbh I just want it to go away cuz I feel really awkward around them now. Anyone else have similar experience or any suggestions?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1330

“So.. I’ve been identifying myself as asexual. I’ve never been in any serious relationship that lasted more than month, but now I’m in one for about 8 months. And lately I’ve been noticing that I’m starting to feel something new toward her, that I’ve never felt before. I don’t know if it’s sexual attraction or something else, but I’m confused. Does someone know what I am? Am I still asexual or no? Sorry for my bad English”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1313

“alright, so I’m a cis female biromantic (like 15% dudes 85% girl preference). I thought maybe I was ace because I never really experienced sexual attraction the way others described. Then that seemed awful so I hoped I was demi so it could at least happen with a close partner.
Well, I fell in love with a trans dude. He’s perfect in every way, we communicate well, we did the online thing for like a year before we finally met and honestly I’d say we’re still in the honeymoon phase. Unfortunately in the time we were together irl (two weeks), I think I was only attracted to him once (as in I had this sudden need to have sex with him).
This…means I’m ace, right? He’s hypersexual but we’ve talked about the fact that I most likely am, and while I enjoy sex because it pleases him it’s not really something that I subconsciously think about. He’s cool with it thankfully (like legitimately cool with it, he adores me), but “an ace that enjoys sex” isn’t something that’s really talked about often. I never really sought it out even with my last few partners, but with him it’s not so bad. Do I fall on the spectrum or should I explore other things? Even when I see cute girls I never really feel attracted to them LOL
Thank you for your input.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1299

“When I first discovered the term “asexual” I identified 100% with it, since I never had any kind of interest in sexual interactions with anybody (not even imagining them in sexual-related issues). But one day, after a long time of confusion, I realized that I was beginning to fall deeply in love with my best friend, and suddenly I started to enjoy imagining sexual situations with him and fantasizing, this never happened to me with anyone before. But, to be honest, I don’t really care if they only exist in my mind or if they come true, I just know, by now, that I enjoy them by my own and this is fine for me.
This made me begin to think that I may be demisexual (since I have a clear interest in sexual activities with this person in particular) but an asexual friend of mine told me that demisexuality only applies if you actually are sure that you WANT to make those things in real life.
I’ve been thinking that I was demisexual because I thought I felt sexual attraction for this person (since he “turns me on”), and the idea that I don’t really care about acting with this sexual feelings was secondary for me (I can control what I do, not what I feel), so I don’t really get why this guy said that “sexual attraction” is something you can control (wanting to act on your sexual feelings) and not the feelings instead (the physical sensation of a particular person “turning you on”).
I’m quite confused, so I would really appreciate the opinion of some other people in the community. What are the criteria to know If you are experiencing sexual attraction? Is it just that a person sexually excites you? Is it that you want to have sex with a particular person? or should be both maybe? (that a person sexually excites you AND you want to have sexual activities with that person). What do you think?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1298

“My boyfriend and I are demisexual. When it comes to media I can’t hear/watch/sense sex, sexual innuendos or anything related without having a panic attack. My brain can’t handle it and I go into this mode of self hatred because a majority of movies and books have this and I can’t watch them, cutting out a huge chunk of media for dates for my boyfriend and I. My boyfriend however can handle everything that I can’t perfectly well. Is there a term for this? Has anyone else experienced this extreme anxiety just from media?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1296

TW: Abuse, depression, suicide, STD
“For context I’m Demisexual, homoromantic, and a girl (I guess? Haven’t really figured out that last part)
Last year I moved back to my home town and reconnected with a bunch of people. Well one of them was this girl who apparently had a crush on me since high school. Well long story short we hit it off and started dating (she was married husband knew poly situation). Well I did the demi thing and had sexual attraction after a while and we became sexually active with eachother. Well at some point she makes the comment of “we shouldn’t do xyz because I have a cold sore”. That’s when I put two and two together and figured out she had Herpes Simplex one and not only didn’t tell me but had engaged in sexual acts with me knowing I could be at risk. As my bad luck would have it not two weeks later I showed symptoms and got the diagnosis. Here’s where stuff went south I guess. She is studying to work with victims of rape and domestic violence and at risk LGBT youth. So I just couldn’t fathom she would do this and she felt bad about it so I deluded myself into thinking I knew. That she had told me. I lied to myself for months and shattered my psyche doing so. Because she wanted to do such good she couldn’t have possibly done such a heinous thing. I comforted her and reassured her she wasn’t a horrible human being for MONTHS. At some point I had moved in with her and her husband and their room mate and the husband and room mate abused the daylights out of me. They invalidated all my emotions they didn’t like. I felt like I was going crazy and that I could do nothing right. Eventually the relationship ended and I managed to get the heck out of there and finally started to realize the extent of what happened to me. As a result I’ve tumbled head first into a deep depression, am highly suicidal most days, don’t eat, can’t sleep, won’t shower or clean my house for days. I have zero self esteem and think I’m a diseased mutt who ought to be shot. I wanted a wife eventually. A partner I could share my life with and have crazy nerf gun battles in our pjs with. But I can’t have those things because even if I don’t have sex I could transmit this disease through kissing which I do enjoy. I can’t hurt someone like my ex hurt me. She took the future I want from me. So I guess anyone have ANY advice? Like I need something because right now I can’t stand the future alone that I see.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #1293

“Okay! So I’m Demisexual, though 45% of the time im sex-repulsed, 50% I’m sex-neutral and about 5% of the time I’m like “HECK FREAKING YES!”
And, I know Demisexual means to only have a sexual attraction to someone once a strong emotional bond has been formed… so is it weird/bad that sometimes I’ll look at someone and think “holy hell, I’d bang the crap out of you.”?”

Here are the replies