From the inbox #819

“Hello! After they noticed that I haven’t had a serious relationship since high school (I’m 25,) a few friends suggested to me that I might be legitimately asexual. I always considered myself to be an open-minded cis-hetero LGBT+ ally, but I denied the idea that I was anything other than a heterosexual with too much anxiety to bother with relationships. After all, I’m romantically attracted to women and enjoy the sexual experiences I’ve had before. It wasn’t until recently that I began to question my sexuality. I’ve had some interesting experiences in the past year which forced me to do some serious introspection. My curiosity brought me to this page, and over the past week I’ve been piecing together information from people here, dissecting my past struggles with sex and relationships. I’ve come out as asexual to my parents and most of my friends, but I still had my doubts and settled on the idea that “it’s just on a spectrum.” Labels don’t give me anything except a place to start.

Then tonight, I found an article about demisexuals. It describes to a tee all of the romantic failures, abandoned friendships, and insecurities about love and dating that I’ve dealt with my entire life. It gives me a newfound hope that I’m not inherently damaged or broken, I just process love and sex in a different way. It helps just knowing there are others who understand and even approach relationships in the same manner. In time, I may even revisit the online dating scene, after spending years telling myself that there’s no way I could ever be compatible​ with anyone else due to my uncomfortable history of trying to connect with others.

I’m not sure if this has been shared here before, but it really helped me find the final missing piece in my loosely-defined sexuality, and I think it could be a major help to others in my shoes. I’ve been severely depressed for a long time, and I believe this revelation could be the start of a new chapter of growth and self-acceptance in my life. Thanks for giving us this community as an outlet to figure out who we all are and what makes us beautiful human beings.”


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From the inbox #802

“Hello guys, I really appreciate your work on the page. Since I was 15 I had a hard time, realizing what’s my sexual orientation. It was a time of changes for how I think, feel, and interact with others. But thank to you, and your creativity and understanding, I went through all these things more easily.
Anyway, I’m here with a specific question.This year after such a long time waiting, I started planning a short trip to Barcelona and Italy. I’ve never been so far from my home and never been so scared of superficial friendships and bad people. Since I’m traveling with a small group of people, I was trying to make new friends. However, every friendship ended up much before the meeting, everything turned into one-night stand tries. Ace apps weren’t really useful since I didn’t find anyone from that area. I still didn’t arrive at my destination, so I was wondering if you could help me somehow? Share my story, give me a suggestion, advice. As an ace, sometimes I find all these things frustrating because you have to be really careful with people if you don’t want to be hurt. I love you guys and I’m really happy that you’re here for many young people like me. Your posts give us support in that way and inspire us not to give up! Thanks for everything! ❤️

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From the inbox #753

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question to the community because maybe somebody here might know better. I seriously think I’m demisexual. And I’ve never had any sexual attraction towards any of my crushes until I was 16. There was this one person who I was very sexually attracted to, but I never got close to her. I actually have this thing that causes me to push my crushes away and not get close to them for trauma reasons, but aside from that, I’ve looked into these things, but I’m really confused as to where my sexuality stands. I’m not nearly as obsessed as I used to be about my sexuality, but I’m curious ever since finding out about the ace spectrum. I’m still new to this. Can someone help me answer this question? Please and thanks!”

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From the inbox #739

“I’ve been in a few relationships and everytime, I have found myself not becoming aroused or bored of sex. I’ve never been a fan of labels but I’m finding myself thinking I might be asexual. I think I need a label to feel… true to myself and to explain myself to further partners. Though the more I look into it, I don’t think I am asexual. I’m so confused. I don’t see any appeal or feel any arousal towards people or sex. The only time I can tolerate the idea of enjoying sex is if it results in pregnancy because I desperately want a child. But I didn’t think there was a label for that. Is there anyone who understands this or knows that could be? I thought asexual was what described me the best but now I’m not so sure I fit in with you all and a label so help me find myself would really help me…”

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From the inbox #730

TW: Abuse, coercion

“Hi. I wanted to give some comission about demisexuality, as I found that it falls under some kind od asexuality.
For a long time I’ve been thinking I was asexual. I Was afraid that it might be caused by a sexual trauma I’ve, sadly, experienced. It made me think that I am not a true ace but a person with a sexual drive silenced by fear. Then, when I’ve found a partner after all, she did not understand it and quite forced me to have sex with her even that she knew what had happened to me before. I loved her, tho and started enjoying sex with her. But when she finally left me I stopped feeling anything. I wanted to give up on it at all. It didn’t last long because I found someone new. But even that I liked her, I still did not feel anything. She then asked me, if I was ace. I did not agree but didn’t know how to call myself. We started having sex, but I did not feel anything at all, but she respected it and gave me time, until I decided myself that I am ready to start. It all changed after some time. I felt closer to her and trusted her a lot more. I got to know her and feel comfortable with her. It was when she said it is probably demisexuality. After all the years I found who I am, and that my feelings are not any aberration nor anything wrong. I finally found myself and felt valid. Now I know after all the years, that there isn’t anything wrong with me an my trauma or the fact, that I am transgender doesn’t make me any less valid, that anybody else – ace, sexual, cis or nb or still searching. I wanted to say it and spread around the whole community – you ARE valid and you should never push yourself into anything. You deserve respect and feeling loved. Take care

From the inbox #724

“I’m kind of having a hard time right now, there has been a lot going on in my life. So I am just looking for advice or support.
I have been ill for several years now, and had to have emergency surgery earlier this year. My twin sister is currently raising three young children, and divorcing her husband that completely stopped supporting them a couple months ago. I also just found out that my oldest sister has a tumor somewhere in her head, but we have to wait a couple of months due to other medical issues, before they can find out anymore information. I have also had to back out of a few important events, and i know people have been very disappointed in me… I have been super stressed, to say the least.
I am supposed to be moving across the country in a couple weeks to go stay with my boyfriend that I have known for nearly two years, and dated for almost a full year. We talk on the phone for hours almost everyday. I love him to death, and he is an amazing person and has helped me with so much within the last two years. He is pansexual, and I am Ace. I go back and forth on whether I am greysexual or not… I have a long history of sexual abuse, and intimacy tends to trigger me. So it is difficult to discuss anything remotely related to sex. He knows this, and for the longest time, was fine with me not wanting to have sex with him. Though lately I have been feeling really unsettled with how he talks about having sex with me. I don’t always shut him down when he talks about it, because I am unsure about whether or not I might one day be ok with it. But he brings it up more and more frequently… Honestly, it terrifies me.
Sometimes the hardest part about being ace, is the gap that is created by not having the same wants and desires. It hurts to confront this issue. And I really don’t want to completely shut him down. I always feel torn about it because I think I am overreacting.
Thank you to all who took the time to read and reply.”

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From the inbox #700

“I’m often wondering what the difference is between gray-ace/demi and sex positive asexuality within a romantic relationship. I know in theory that the difference is that demi/grays feel sexual attraction to their partner after an emotional bond is formed but that sp asexuals enjoy sex but don’t experience sexual attraction. In theory I understand that, but I don’t understand it in actuality. I’m trying to find a label for myself for my own comfort, but it occurs to me that I don’t actually know if I experience sexual attraction or if it’s just getting turned on by my partner. I consider myself to be in a romantic relationship with my partner, and sometimes we do have sex. But I don’t actively think about their body or anything like that. Sometimes I’m in the mood for it, and sometimes if we do end up doing anything I do feel arousal. I don’t know if it’s because we already have an existing emotional bond (demi) or if it’s just the physical stimulation I like. I certainly wouldn’t have sex outside of a relationship but that’s also because I find it unnecessary and messy, whereas I see sex with a partner as just another form of physical intimacy. Is that sexual attraction? I honestly don’t know and I know it shouldn’t be bugging me but I’m the type of person who likes labels to soothe my own anxiety.”

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From the inbox #676

“Does it still count as asexual & aromantic if I don’t want sex or romance with anyone due to Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)? A quick description of my AvPD is that due to extreme social anxiety, I fear getting close to others. I want to have relationships with others, but I can’t because of anxiety. This extends into friendship and family relationships as well. I do masturbate sometimes, and have fantasies, but that’s where it stops.

Would this be asexuality, demisexual, or something else?”

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From the inbox #663

“You see, I’m Demisexual, and I used to identify an ace until I realized I would like sex but only with a very close significant other. However, recently, though I have no one I’m with currently, I have been getting sexual feelings, but not to any specific person. In fact, I don’t even think of someone at all, I just sort of do and I’m super lost. I don’t know if I’m still considered Demisexual or not. Please help”

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From the inbox #655

“Hey! I have a question. When I had a boyfriend I was like having sex is great and all. But after the breakup (almost 1 year ago) I don’t feel any sexual attraction, yeah I watch porn and look at guys and admire them. I’ve been asked to have sex- frustratingly too much- but no. At parties I make out with literally everyone but that’s all when they want to “go somewhere private” I just leave them because the question just makes me sick. And I went to my friends house once when I was drunk we were making out and it came to penetration and I became sober and just left. (I was really drunk tho. Like I would become sober only if there is a really serious thing)
Soo what does it sound like? Okay I’m queer and I don’t have to label myself but I’m just curious. Thanks in advance!”

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