From the inbox #530

“I would identify myself as demisexual, bit have recently come to the realisation that this is at least in part because I don’t experience physical attraction, people only become attractive because of their personalities or whether what they are doing/wearing fulfils my fantasys/kinks.

I was wonder if anyone had heard a better name anywhere on the aceosphere that fits me better?”

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From the inbox #509

“So, please bear with me on this, i’m not sure if i’m going to explain it right. I’ve never been much of a sexual person. I always just chalked it up to a low libido. I enjoy sex when I have it, but I very very rarely have any urges to have it. I can look at a stranger and find him very attractive, but I’ve never looked at a stranger and wanted to have sex with him (does that actually happen to people just by looking at someone?) I am a very physical person in all other regards, kissing, snuggling, etc.. Just not sexually. When in a relationship, the desire does rise a little bit, but only slightly. I’ve always joked that I need to find a guy with ED in order to make a relationship work without sex very often. I guess i’m just wondering, does this make me asexual? I’ve read a bunch of things and some things make me think yes, but then others don’t quite match up. I mean, I have no problems with it if I am. It would definitely explain a lot of things. My doctor kept saying it’s just hormone imbalance but anytime I had tests done they came back normal. Either way it’s nice to know there are other people out there that don’t care about sex. Gives me hope to actually finding someone. Anyway, I hope you can help. If you have any questions that would help you give better answers, ask away. I’m an open book and have very few qualms talking about personal things.”

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From the inbox #494

“To start off with sorry if this is a long post but I’ve been a little conflicted with what I can identify as even though I’ve been told labels aren’t important but I feel it would help me understand myself better. So I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person in my life and that person is my husband, I love being intimate with him because I feel like it’s the closest we can be physically but I have never felt that with anyone else. I have had sex before with my other partners but I was never sexually attracted to any of them or into the sex I mostly only really did it because at the time I thought that was what was expected in a normal relationship. I find some people aesthetically pleasing but I’ve never really had that whole, “I want to have sex with that person,” feeling.
What makes things more confusing for me is that I’ve never really wanted to have sex with someone except my husband because they were sexually attractive but there are times that I’ve recalled being horny and just going with it because I’ve never really been into masturbating.
Up until recently I’ve identified as demisexual because I wouldn’t even consider dating someone until I developed an emotional connection with someone but I’m not even sure if that’s the correct term considering with all my other relationships their personality became more attractive to me the more emotionally connected I was with the person but their looks didn’t matter much and I don’t remember becoming sexually attracted to them really just more willing to do stuff with them because I always thought that sex was okay if you were in love with someone because it was more intimate and that was something I considered special to do with someone.
Sorry if this is a confusing and long post I’ve been a little conflicted and confused myself.”

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From the inbox #486

TW: Abuse

“Soo, maybe someone on this page might help me with my confusion. I’m 21, panromantic and whatever-sexual. After an abusive relationship I rearranged myself and I don’t know if I just discovered that I’m actually ace or if it had to do with this relationship. This was nearly two years ago and I couldn’t even stand the thought of someone touching me and I hadn’t had theΒ desire to have sex with someone and felt no sexual attraction. Some months ago I had a girlfriend and I had sex with her (but I didn’t want her to touch me) and I also wanted it, I was really in love with her so I guessed I might be demi-sexual. And now I had sex with a guy I really like and I craved him, suddenly it was just okay for me that someone touches me without thinking about it, I loved making out with him, touching him, the sexual atmosphere – but not the sex. It hasn’t something to do with him, it was just the sex itself. It was okay and I even would have it again but just for this feeling and not for the sex itself. I also love to tease, to know that someone I like craves me and all this sexual stuff but I’m just not into sex. I’m so confused and I don’t understand myself. Do I belong to the ace-community and if so, where? (Unfortunately I have the urge to label myself to feel kinda safe.)”

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From the inbox #466

“Hello,I identify myself as a biromantic girl(and I’m too proud),I’m 20 years old,I don’t masturbate and never I’ve done it(I think it is a bit gross!).— A few days ago while I was was about to sleep, my eyes flickered to open and I started imagining myself having sex with a female singer and I liked it because I had waken up less distressed although I thought it again and I can‘t picture having sex with her after all,just let your damn genitals off my eyesight,and put your clothes on!just sing for me Gaga!.
I know that this is so weird,but I’ve been struggling about this.
Am I asexual or demisexual or another one?
I’m so confused!πŸ˜–
By the way,Merry Christmas!πŸ‘ΌπŸŽŠπŸŽ‰
Wish you happy holidays πŸ˜„

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From the inbox #459

“I’ve been wanting to send this message for a long time, but never got to do it until now. I’m 20 and I need help in determining what I am in terms of sexuality. I’m really confused–I like watching, reading etc. romantic works but I couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship. When someone shows interest in me, I get really nervous and end up with two options: to fight or flee. But I do know for myself that I also want to have someone who can understand and talk to me, and be there for me. I want to have a deep, loving connection with another person. I could imagine myself holding hands with that him/her, or hugging and, okay, maybe kissing, but not have sex. Sex is.. I understand couples do that but I couldn’t imagine doing it! I mean, why would I want to stick someone’s body part inside me, and vice versa? Isn’t that guy’s d too big to ram in that small hole? And where is that girl putting her mouth into, for goodness’ sake? What about the germs that I might get from that (wait, do we get germs from sex? Lol I have no idea πŸ˜‚). I do have people whom I find attractive, but I was never sexually attracted to them. I don’t get it.

But I don’t get myself either, because some rare times I do think that it might be okay to do it when I truly love the person. But most of the time it just grosses me out. I don’t have anything against those who do it though. I just don’t see myself doing it (if not very rarely).

Platonic relationships are very beautiful in my eyes. Just knowing that you love and care for that person, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them without having sex (or just doing it rarely?) sounds like the ideal relationship to me. I want to do lots of things with that person–travel, try out new hobbies and simply engaging in deep conversations about life and other philosophical topics. I think I’m either asexual or demisexual, or somewhere in between. But is it possible that I’m not within these two categories, but somewhere else? I hope you would be able to answer me. I want to know as well so I could say it loud and proud!”

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From the inbox #448

“So i saw that you were posting peoples stories anon, and I’ve considered for a couple of weeks writing something. Except i never thought that anything i felt or did was actually worth the time of writing to you guys and having people publicly respond to my life. However there is real value in sharing ones experience and verbalizing the feelings that cause us all so much discomfort.

So here goes, a small piece of my life.

Recently i came out to everyone i knew that i am asexual. But the journey there is something to be noted. From a fairly young age i thought that i may have been gay, i generally find males more attractive, and as a male myself, in a country in the UK that is not overly fond of gay people especially when i was growing up. I’m 24 now, and in my semi rural area its still kind of frowned upon. but i wished that perhaps i was going through some kind of phase. i thought that perhaps i was bisexual, and that was what i ran with for a long time. Thinking that i might be attracted to both genders.

however i still never told anyone this, and especially not my family and friends. I have anxiety problems and other mental illnesses that i did not know i had at the time, so telling my friends that i was not normal or rather that was how i perceived myself though i myself was fully accepting of all sexuality, was not something i could do.

In all of this time, i have felt alone, i have had attractions, but they were never physical they were always because i liked the person, on a deep and emotional basis, even if this feeling was not reciprocated.

I hate to be the one to say this but i am something of a romantic. As much as i am a man i am all for the mushy shit that drove me to love the film love actually, and other such films.

However after some time i felt inadequate, alone and desperate to have some form of connection, before i gave up on having anything akin to love in my life.

I did the stupid, and wonderful thing of going on the app Tinder, i connect with a person and for a time, i found myself infatuated him. However i knew that at some point he would want a closer physical intimacy.

And the more i thought about it the more it terrified me, i realized that i was not attracted to him in a physical way, i loved his mind.

and eventually i had to tell him that i could not be physical, and this wounded me.

I felt like some sort of strange thing, something abnormal…. Thought my life and many others lives, the fact of sex being a necessary and important part of our lives is pushed on us. This pseudo fact as i know it to be these days is pushed on us all at a young age, being hinted upon in cartoons, featuring in films, and pushed on us by social convention.

But at the time i did not know any of this, i thought that i might have been demi sexual, but that did not make any logical sense to me as i had formed emotional bonds, and strong ones at that but still the idea of having someone touch me is repulsive to me. It is so repulsive likely for a number of reasons including mental health but have sex? that was not and is not something i consider myself comfortable with.

So knowing all of this and finally discovering my sexual alignment should have been a vindicating and relaxing discovery. A discovery to ease my mind and put some things to rest.

However now more than ever it becomes apparent that i am lonely, and that because of my sexuality i am confined in to a small box with considerably few others compared to what it the accepted norm; and i find myself thinking that perhaps i must spend my life in solitude with love being something that is unachievable to me.

As depressing as this is the only good thing to have come out of this is that my friends and family understand my sexuality better than i had hoped, perhaps my gay brother helped laid that foundation in my family.

I dont know what to expect if this is posted, and i honestly dont know what sort of response would even make me feel alright. What i do know is that i feel, that had i not put this in to words, it would have been some phantom enigma ruling my life, and because i am so new to the community in general i am still adjusting myself perhaps, i dont know.

Thanks for reading…”

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From the inbox #420

“Hi, I’m not sure if I would identify as an asexual person but I would like some help figuring it out if that’s ok?
Growing up I was always the teen that got grossed out by sex scenes in movies and stuff like that. I had crushes too but to me they were more romantic than sexual. I had a boyfriend (now ex) for 6 years from 17-23. For a time I was happy with him in the very one sided romantic bubble I had in my head but when it came down to sexual stuff I was never really interested. Sometimes I’d do it to keep him happy, other times so he would shut up with all the moaning I never gave him sex. Sex to me is never something I’ve ever wanted for myself but I’ve always found myself doing it to please my current partner as they feel deprived (or I feel they’re deprived). I’ve found myself in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man who doesn’t know what my sexuality is (I’m still figuring it out myself) and occasionally he sends me pictures and asks if my body is reacting. Often I feel I have to say that it did but only a little, even though it didn’t, just to save his feelings. He is already aware of my fears surrounding sex (miscarriage from 6 years ex) but it’s not even that it’s a fear anymore. It’s kinda like numbness I think. My body and mind just don’t react to sex in any ways unless it’s a freak out moment because it’s wanted of me and I wasn’t the one who offered it. I’m so confused on where I stand I don’t know what to do. I’m crying now because I’m afraid if I tell my boyfriend that he will be upset and I really really don’t want to hurt him.
Any advice?”

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From the inbox #400

“I am trying to figure out whether I am asexual or somewhere on that spectrum but it’s very confusing. I’ve read a lot of definitions of different forms of sexuality and attraction but none of the labels seem to fit me exactly.So I was wondering if I described the way I am feeling you could tell me whether or not it sounds like asexuality or grey-sexuality or what?

I am a cis girl and I would normally say I am straight, I’m pretty sure I am heteromantic at any rate, or at least I get crushes on guys. I can definitely feel romantic attraction without feeling sexual attraction, when I get a crush I want to kiss and cuddle him and make out etc. But I’m not really sure where I am in terms of sexual attraction, it isn’t something I feel as strongly, and certainly never strongly enough to act upon. Definitions of grey-sexuality that I have read talk about experiencing sexual attraction very rarely, but they do not define what counts as rarely. One definition I read somewhere said “for example once or twice a lifetime or once every few years”. I experience something which I might call sexual attraction perhaps a few times in the space of a week, and then not again for months, though I’ve never kept a record of it so I’m not entirely sure. Is this rarely enough to be defined as grey-sexual, or is this the kind of frequency allosexuals experience?
Also I am not entirely 100% sure what I experience is sexual attraction. What I mean is that I sometimes fantasise about having sex with a person in a daydream kind of way and imagine that perhaps it might be quite nice, but its never strong enough to act upon. Does that count as sexual attraction?\”

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From the inbox #350

“Hello.I m a 21 year old female. Seriously, i’m having something similar to a post about a person who thought they were demisexual, i really don’t know how to describe it. I used to like men in the past, most was due to some kinda connection i had with them while some where minor crushes, but recently i realised that i kind of like women too, sometimes the thought of a lady unclad drives me crazy but now the thought of having sex scares and irritates me. Even seeing unclad women doesn’t freak me out like before. Sometimes i wish i could just remain single sometimes i wish for a relationship but the thoughts of being with the opposite sex too just doesn’t seem like me. Its all just complicated, i really don’t know where i fall and it scares me. Is there something wrong with me or something? I have never been in a sort of relationship so could that be a problem? I try reading up on this thing’s but I just get more confused and it’s making me feel down. I just need advice. please”

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