From the inbox #823

“I’ve never been a social person in the first place, although I have had two “relationships” that both lasted for less than a few days because I definitely know I’m asexual, but I’m still confused whether I’m aromantic or homoromantic. Or something. These purely innocent relationships just made me feel extremely uncomfortable, but if it were expressed platonically I would’ve been fine.

So then, I decided to stop giving into peer pressure as I didn’t enjoy the idea of dating and I don’t see it in my future. I also have no desire for starting a family.

Why I’m saying all of this is because my younger brother (who is not in highschool) had been yelling at me to get a boyfriend because I’m a senior in school. I asked why and his answer was “because you need a life”. I kept asking but he just kept saying the same thing. “You’re a loser if you don’t have one. When I’m in highschool I’ll get a girlfriend. You’re a boring idiot.” He’s usually nice to me and everything so… Okay? Puberty has graced him and it seems like a lot of people share his views and see life as meaningless if you’re single, as if you can’t rely on yourself for your own happiness.

My dad had also had a convo with me about kids. I told him I would never have any because they’re not my thing. His answer? “Okay sweetheart, but it would be really good if you did. It would make me happy.” From him it just sounds like he’s guilt tripping me and it wouldn’t have bothered me otherwise. I’ve had a similar thing happen with my aunties who tell me I’ll change my mind or blatantly ignore me when I tell them no and keep going on with their conversations. It gets frustrating when it’s shoved down my throat.

My sister agreed with my brother (who is also young) but I don’t get why they think that way. At least my mum hasn’t talked to me about it and I don’t think it would bother her if she knew, but that’s that. How would you treat this?”

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From the inbox #821

“So I’ve always had the notion of being poly, because I feel the same affection towards everyone, because I love everyone, but in different ways and at different levels. I’ve had alot of relationships that I have quickly regretted going into, after realising I wasn’t all that into this person. I’m coming to the realisation that perhaps, it is platonic love, and that is why this is happening to me. I’m demi-pansexual but I don’t necessarily have to love someone, my emotional bond can be something like a really good friendship bond. But I’m starting to wonder, and I aromantic? I’ve been questioning this since I read a post about aros being able to be a hopeless romantic, and we’ll I’ve always been told “you want a wedding not a marriage” maybe I’m attaching myself onto people quickly because I feel a need to experience my “happy ever after” I’m sorry I’m rambling, but I’d like some advice please.
I’ve spoken to my partner about this, he’s part of the spectrum too so he’s very understanding.

I’ve also, never really felt that mushy love, the joy of being by one person all the time. But I can commit to people, I put so much effort into people, but I struggle to find a benefit of mine that isn’t a safety blanket and a friend.”

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From the inbox #761

“Since you seem to take questions for people to address on your page I have one
I’m kinda a hopeless romantic in the regard that I really want to fall in love with someone but at the same time I’m not sure if I’m really alloromantic
I have identified as Asexual Panromantic for a while because I can see myself falling in love with people regardless of gender but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt a romantic attraction. I have had crushes on people I get along with but those crushes are short lived and I can move on from them with much ease. I’m just wondering if a desire for a romantic connection means I’m not aromantic period or if my reason for not being able to carry an interest in anyone is based in being aromantic.”

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From the inbox #673

“Do you experience romantic attraction only when you are in love? Or even before? There are some actors i find really handsome and totally my type, but I don’t feel anything for them. I don’t want any of them as my bf at all. I’m 22 and fell in love only once (with a real person but I never met him in person. [I don’t count anime boys lmao]).
How would you call this?”

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From the inbox #635

“Hi (sorry this is long), i’m just a little confused and I guess I would like other people’s input on this because I never get a chance to talk about this with anyone. I am most certainly asexual, no doubt about that, and I am pretty sure I am aromantic as well. I have had one close call, but i’ve never been in an official relationship before. I would like to try dating at least once because i’m curious, but I feel like the feelings I would have would be just super platonic mixed with finding someone aestheically beautiful. I feel like the chances of me finding someone who is also ace and aro is so slim. I guess I’m just second-guessing labelling myself as aromantic because the daydreamy part of me still wants this unrealistic perfect relationship and because of that I guess I still try to convince myself that I have romantic feelings somewhere, but I know that in reality I don’t do romance, and hearing about other people’s romantic relationships just puts me off. I enjoy when people that I find aesthetically beautiful compliment me and give me emotional attention, so I think i’m confusing that feeling of wanting them to appriciate me with genuine romantic attraction, but i’m so second-guessy that I don’t feel confident labelling myself. Any advice? And can aromantic people still be in relationships with romantic people but just experience different feelings?”

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From the inbox 580

“I’m questioning myself about the aro / ace spectrum.
I’ve had crushes and emotional dependency, I’ve had affection for people, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love.
I like romantic interactions with friends, but I hate flirting with people I do not know.
Exclusive, monogamous relations terrify me.
I am not sex-repulsed. I have a need for physical interactions (hugs and stuff). I have a libido.
But, I do not feel really attracted by *people*. I like *being with the people I like* (sexually or not, it’s the same for me) but when I see attractive people, I think “they are attractive becauseā€¦” I do not think “I am aroused by that sight”.

So, I wonder, if I am on the spectrum, and if yes, where?”

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From the inbox #526

“So I have known I am asexual for a while, but I just found out a label for it in recent years. I’ve felt pretty lonely for a while, and I’m starting to feel like relationships aren’t for me. I’m not sure if I’m aromantic or not and now suddenly there are quite a few people interested in me. I’m starting to realize that I’ve never really felt comfortable in relationships. I’ve never really liked kissing anyone, but I love talking to people and cuddling. So what is everyone’s advice on this? And I was asked to go to dinner and watch movies this weekend, I want to go but I don’t want to break their heart by not wanting a relationship. I don’t know what to do..”

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From the inbox #448

“So i saw that you were posting peoples stories anon, and I’ve considered for a couple of weeks writing something. Except i never thought that anything i felt or did was actually worth the time of writing to you guys and having people publicly respond to my life. However there is real value in sharing ones experience and verbalizing the feelings that cause us all so much discomfort.

So here goes, a small piece of my life.

Recently i came out to everyone i knew that i am asexual. But the journey there is something to be noted. From a fairly young age i thought that i may have been gay, i generally find males more attractive, and as a male myself, in a country in the UK that is not overly fond of gay people especially when i was growing up. I’m 24 now, and in my semi rural area its still kind of frowned upon. but i wished that perhaps i was going through some kind of phase. i thought that perhaps i was bisexual, and that was what i ran with for a long time. Thinking that i might be attracted to both genders.

however i still never told anyone this, and especially not my family and friends. I have anxiety problems and other mental illnesses that i did not know i had at the time, so telling my friends that i was not normal or rather that was how i perceived myself though i myself was fully accepting of all sexuality, was not something i could do.

In all of this time, i have felt alone, i have had attractions, but they were never physical they were always because i liked the person, on a deep and emotional basis, even if this feeling was not reciprocated.

I hate to be the one to say this but i am something of a romantic. As much as i am a man i am all for the mushy shit that drove me to love the film love actually, and other such films.

However after some time i felt inadequate, alone and desperate to have some form of connection, before i gave up on having anything akin to love in my life.

I did the stupid, and wonderful thing of going on the app Tinder, i connect with a person and for a time, i found myself infatuated him. However i knew that at some point he would want a closer physical intimacy.

And the more i thought about it the more it terrified me, i realized that i was not attracted to him in a physical way, i loved his mind.

and eventually i had to tell him that i could not be physical, and this wounded me.

I felt like some sort of strange thing, something abnormal…. Thought my life and many others lives, the fact of sex being a necessary and important part of our lives is pushed on us. This pseudo fact as i know it to be these days is pushed on us all at a young age, being hinted upon in cartoons, featuring in films, and pushed on us by social convention.

But at the time i did not know any of this, i thought that i might have been demi sexual, but that did not make any logical sense to me as i had formed emotional bonds, and strong ones at that but still the idea of having someone touch me is repulsive to me. It is so repulsive likely for a number of reasons including mental health but have sex? that was not and is not something i consider myself comfortable with.

So knowing all of this and finally discovering my sexual alignment should have been a vindicating and relaxing discovery. A discovery to ease my mind and put some things to rest.

However now more than ever it becomes apparent that i am lonely, and that because of my sexuality i am confined in to a small box with considerably few others compared to what it the accepted norm; and i find myself thinking that perhaps i must spend my life in solitude with love being something that is unachievable to me.

As depressing as this is the only good thing to have come out of this is that my friends and family understand my sexuality better than i had hoped, perhaps my gay brother helped laid that foundation in my family.

I dont know what to expect if this is posted, and i honestly dont know what sort of response would even make me feel alright. What i do know is that i feel, that had i not put this in to words, it would have been some phantom enigma ruling my life, and because i am so new to the community in general i am still adjusting myself perhaps, i dont know.

Thanks for reading…”

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From the inbox #376

“As someone presently sitting on “Quoiromantic” but rather unsatisfied with staying there, does it really matter if I’m more correctly Cupioromantic or Frayromantic if I know any relationship I have that’s that close will end (by my choice) within a few years anyway?”

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