From the inbox #650

“Hello
I used to be all over this page and I was so glad to have found a loving and supporting community where I felt like I belong, until tonight. I’ve been personnally insulted and called aphobe and told I didn’t understand asexuality because I didn’t express myself clearly while trying to make a biological point.
I’ve been all over the place on this page, and now I just want to unlike it because it makes me so upset that people are so quick to judge.
Not everyone here has English as a first language and it’s hard to carry feeling through a keyboard. I’m upset and shaking to my core because I can’t believe how quick on the execution those people were.
I’m going to unfollow this page for a while cause I just can’t deal with that at the point of my life, but I want all of you to understand a thing.
When you disagree with someone, whether online or in a real world, on any subjects, be kind. Being insulted doesn’t make anyone want to listen. If I had indeed been a aphobe who didn’t know the first thing about asexuality, the reactions I got would have make me want to never know anything about it and never respecting any aces because of the personal insult.
I don’t want to offend anyone and yeah, maybe my point was wrong to start with, but be polite. Even if you’re pissed. Even if you’re tired of repeating yourself. You have the luxury of being behind your keyboards and screens. You have the luxury to take a moment to remember that at the receiving end of your hate, there is another human being with feelings. And even if that person with feelings hurt yours, still be kind. Give them a chance to want to hear what you have to say. Give them a chance to view thing from your perspectives.
I know there is many trolls on Internet and it’s hard to draw the line between who is trying to make a point or understand a point and someone who is insulting you or your community – because as I already said, it’s hard to carry feeling through a keyboard. But behind the keyboard, you have the luxury of time. The chance to take the time to understand, the time to re-read, the time to cool down a little bit and the time to choose your words.
I’ve been standing up for aces ever since I discovered myself 2 years ago. Geez, before I read those hateful comment, I was telling my S/O that I considered school counselling so the kids going through school would get a chance to hear about asexuality and different thing than “ovaries + sperm = babies” (which sums up the sex ed I got in high school). Because I’m open to different types of aces, because I know and aknowledge different sexualities and genders and could probably help younger people to explore their options.
And I’ve been call aphobe for a poorly phrased comment. Because you have chose to be the judge, the jury and the executionner. Because you decided of who I was without knowing anything about me.
We’re all upset from ace erasure. Most of us anyway.
I sent a message to Equinox to tell them how they wronged us, and yet that’s how I get thanked by the once loving and supporting community. Maybe you’re right. Maybe heteromantic cis aces who are sex positive don’t belong here because we’re straight enough.
So for now, I’ll take my leave. Because I’ve been hurt by the people who are suppose to understand me and who didn’t even try to understand.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #631

“I wanted to say that I love your page, and all the lovely people on it. It’s great to find people who are like me, especially when I feel so alone in real life. I did have a question. I had my first experience with someone who wouldn’t take a “no, I’m not interested” for an answer. I ultimately blocked him, but how do people deal with that every day? Why can’t people simply accept that some people just aren’t interested?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 619

“Hello! I would just like to let y’all know that you have helped me feel better about myself. I’ve only found this page a week ago but it’s already made me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you so much for that.

Here are the replies

From the inbox 608

“I just wanted to thank everyone who expresses acceptance and understanding for the asexual community.
It is not an easy road to tread. It’s not as easy as just saying “I’m not interested.”

Imagine going on four years in a relationship with someone you love dearly. You enjoy everything about them, except sex. Maybe you don’t even like kissing. But you’re great at pretending that you do like it, and each day is a struggle to keep pretending because at this point, if you be yourself… you will lose your best friend and partner forever.
When you hit puberty with all your friends, you heard them tell stories about being afraid to tell their parents about their true sexual Identity, and you listened to their tales of forbidden love with wide eyes. But you had no stories… because you never felt that way towards anyone. Ever. And it never really occurred to you before. And suddenly, the world seems like a very lonely place.
I fought with myself for my entire adolescent life about how I should be a sexual person, because I knew I needed that closeness that can only come from a romantic relationship. Now, at 26, I deal with sex because I love my partner, and I know it is a need of theirs.
But I once felt so broken that I almost made a decision that I couldn’t take back. I felt so alone.
When I found out about Facebook pages and websites dedicated to asexuality, for the first time in my life, I felt like I don’t have to go through this alone.
So, again… thank you.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 585

“So, as a sex-favourable ace I sometimes feel left out by the community. There’s so many in-jokes, ace posts and ace groups dedicated to or centering around the idea that asexual people don’t want to have sex. Ace dating sites even sometimes entirely exude those that want a sexual relationship, even if they are ace.
I understand sex-repulsed aces have it harder and are less understood and accepted by the general community, and I don’t want to trivialise their issues, but I just sometimes feel like the ace community isn’t for me. And if I can’t be at home in the ace community, where can I go?
Any other sex-favourable aces feel this way? Other thoughts?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 581

“I just wanted to thank you guys because you gave me the courage to come out to my boyfriend.

I thought he would freak out, but he was okay with it and accepted it. He said that “Of course an Ace is still valid, that’s how they feel. If I don’t want to eat kimchi (he’s Korean) for breakfast, it’s still a valid opinion. If a person is ace and doesn’t want sex they are valid. They are valid if they have sex to please their partners. All aces are valid. Everyone is valid.”

Everyone is VALID. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and if someone can’t accept you, there’s still someone out there who will. We all need to empower each other.

YOU are VALID.
His kimchi comparison was strange but that’s how he was able to understand it, so whatever works???”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 578

TW: Mentioning of rape

“I just wanted to say thank you for running this page, and I wanted to share my story. I am actually not asexual, but my husband is on the spectrum. He has never come out, and only did to me after I read something and made the connection and asked directly if that was how he felt. This changed our entire marriage. Before I would think that somehow I wasn’t enough, or he didn’t want me. Often he would end up trying to prove he did. I then read a story written about a couple where one was asexual and one was not. I had no idea it was going to change my marriage and my life. In the story the ace says that he is willing to have sex to make his partner happy, and the non-ace gets sick. He feels like he raped his partner, because the consent wasn’t real. They delve further into it, and find their own path, which is what we have done. We haven’t had sex in more than a year, and I’m okay with that because I love him.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 577

“From my very brief time being a part of this page, I’ve noticed a person or two telling about their story of coming out as asexual. I figured this was an appropriate time for me to reveal mine as it happened a year ago exactly. Back in high school, I was actually made fun of by my group of friends at the time. They’d go around shouting “Tori’s afraid of sex! Tori’s afraid of sex!” And I thought that there was something wrong with me. I had a few friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I’m still friends with them to this day, but I don’t think they were aware of the terminology of asexuality.
This time last year, I decided that I was ace and I took it upon myself to come out to my then boyfriend. He didn’t understand the term which I totally understood and I did my best to explain it to him through my rising panic. However he asked me horrible things. For example, he had asked if I would want to have sex in five or 10 years and that took me aback because I would still be in school. He also asked me to masturbate for him to see if my feelings for him were true. That right there scared me even more. He was the very first person outside of the community that I came out to and it took me a while for me to feel comfortable with telling people of my sexuality. Now I’m incredibly comfortable because I feel like it’s an important thing for others to know. We may be few in number but we exist and I know we will continue to do so.
If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be so comfortable with my identity so I do have that to thank him for”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 574

“A new Facebook group has been created specifically to fill a niche for Jewish Asexuals who would like to find a Jewish Asexual partner for serious dating/relationship purposes. An actual dating site would be ideal, but until there is one, there is the “Jewish Asexual Dating group”—a closed facebook group. The group is for non-married Asexual Jews from around the world. If you are too nervous to become a member because of visibility, you can contact one of the administrators about uploading your bio for you. They will also let you know if someone is interested in contacting you, or if they think someone might be a good match for you. It’s still in “Beta” mode and there are kinks to work out. If anyone is willing to help create a real dating site, or assist with Administrative duties on the group, please let the Admins know! Rules/instructions are listed on the group page.”

Link

From the inbox #545

“So I came out recently to basically everyone and my whole family a couple days ago and it was super terrifying. Especially since it’s been 20yrs of silence while listening to them bad mouth and hate on everything I am. There was a lot of crying. And my dad didn’t tell me to burn in hell. I started feeling more confident in myself because of pages like yours, this community helped me not feel alone in my heart while trying my hardest to confront my family. I’ve had people stop talking to me because of how I am. Because of something I can’t change and wouldn’t change for them. I was scared that I didn’t have anybody to talk to or open up to, and I’ve realized that even though I may not know all or any of you, we are connected and this site makes me smile every day. And now that I’m out of the closet I can start openly finding friends and groups that I can connect with. Do any of you know the best way to find a community group or something to visit in Eugene, OR, United States? If not…that’s okay. I am PanRomantic Grey-a and just want to make some friends who are like me and can help me feel connected. (Sorry I’m still a little nervous)”

Here are the replies