From the inbox #1383

“TW: Rape, abuse.
I’m asexual and have been dating someone for a long time. Last year we started living together and were very happy with it. I’m sex neutral, and have had sex with him because I’m ok with it and I know he wants it. After a few months of living together though… Well I was asleep and woke up because he had started having sex with me without me noticing. It happened a few more times after that, until I finally got the courage to tell him I wasn’t ok with what was happening. I guess he didn’t really understand that part of consent before and said that he would work on it. He did get better and for a few months we were ok again.
But last week it happened again, I felt terrible. I knew I had to leave him, what was happening was simply not ok. So I spoke with him again and he got really scared. He hadn’t noticed that this was reason enough for me to break up with him. He begged me to give him 2 months so he could work on being better. He believes he needs therapy, that the reason he’s doing it even though I’m clearly saying no is because he comes from a very conservative family. A family that taught him to be ashamed of sex and some other issues from his childhood he attributes to his problem.
In the meantime we’re not sleeping on the same bed and we’re acting just as roommates, which was his idea. I told him I needed time to make a decision, that I wanted to really think about everything. I love him very much, we laugh a lot and he’s really good to me most of the time. He’s never been mean to me and always thinks of me first. But what happened is just something I don’t think I can live with.
I’m very confused… He started visiting a therapist and he has respected my space since we’ve talked. Should I wait and see if he can change? The problem is… I don’t even know if I want to stay, even if he’s able to get better…”

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From the inbox #1376

“My boyfriend broke up with me on the phone in his words “he didn’t see a relationship where him and I were happy. And I wasnt about to argue there but I asked about my asexuality and if that affected things he said yes. It did for two reasons: 1 I was in everyone’s face about it (which I wont really fault him for. I wouldnt be surprised if my friends said I’m done with your shit because I dont need to know how ace you are.) But the other reason being is that he likes it and is thinking about it all the time. And for me, the one who he wanted to do it with the most wouldnt let me, fucked him up. And before we talked about that specific detail my mom said the exact same thing. “I dont disagree with your stance, but I think that this asexual thing made have made an impact because hes an adult Male. Which means he’s thinking about sex all the time. I fully doubt he’s been faithful to you at all. You were kinda asking to be cheated on. And possibly 89% of the Male population will feel the same way.” I’m the one at fault because I’m the one to stop texting him first to see what he’d do, and that led to our break up. And apparently we both have been thinking about it for a long time. But when mom and him mentioned me being ace, I guess that kinda shook me. Does anyone think anyone who is asexual (homo, bi, pans, hetero romantic etc.) have a chance in meeting someone who will be ok with that?”

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From the inbox #1268

“Hello there.
I had a breakup with my boyfriend of seven months a week ago and I’m starting to realize I can’t feel romantic feelings for people. Thing of it is, he was my friend for two years, we got together in January and broke up this month.
I’ve realized I can’t feel romantic feelings for people because I get hurt. And it didn’t help matters he lied to me about someone he claimed was a troll that was sending me a threatening text the whole time and it turned out to be his mom, and he lied because he was scared. Then he claims his mom made him lie about it. And this happened when we were arguing over him blowing up my messages constantly and asking me the same questions I answered in the past. I was close to breaking up with him on Thursday and I finally broke up with him last week when I saw enough red flags to make my head spin.
I’ve started to also come to terms that, while I am 23, I don’t need romantic love in my life if I can’t feel it. I thought I would’ve been healed after having stopped long distance relationships since 2015, but I guess not. I’m too old for them and I won’t do them again.
It doesn’t help matters he wouldn’t understand I was aroace. I’ve realized if people can’t love me for being who I am, why should I love them? They’ll hurt me and expect me to be okay with it. I’m crying as I type this. He hurt me so badly and then his apologizes were so half assed…”

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From the inbox #1214

“Women with intimacy issues who also recently came out as asexual and aromatic is looking into therapy for gender dysphoria and possibly transitioning.
Informs ex, who she broke up with to save them from a physically unfulfilling relationship, that “I may be okay with sex in general from a guys perspective.”
Ex is supportive but concern. Wants to know if this is common or not.”

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From the inbox #1213

TW: Abuse, self-harm, suicide
” I’d like to share my story. It’s not one I’m comfortable discussing with the people in my life. I lost my virginity the day after my 23rd birthday. No one knows this. Not my mother. Not even my best friend. It was consensual and I felt that I loved the person, yet I felt violated. I disassociated my mind from my body and basically blacked out the event to the point of not even feeling the physical pain of losing my virginity. I was operating only within my mind, feeling what was happening to my body was happening to someone else, not me. There was a lot of blood and as I showered afterward, I went into shock and passed out. I still felt I loved this person and wanted a relationship with them after sex, so why did I feel so disgusted with myself and in dread of the inevitable next sexual encounter? I chalked it up to my conservative, religious upbringing and carried on. (I myself am agnostic.) We struggled on through this relationship for nearly 2 years, living together part time. My partner was frequently perplexed and angry at my lack of interest in sex, complained that I never initiated it, and eventually took to verbally and emotionally abusing me. I couldn’t help it. I took no pleasure in these acts and found them frankly repulsive. I kept going through the motions, I even learned to pretend, to try to please my partner, but we both knew something was “off”. I felt sex cheapened the intellectual bond between two people and couldn’t imagine how people could have sex for “fun”, yet I enjoyed kissing, holding hands, and other romantic gestures. Perhaps it would have been tolerable had I felt loved, rather than objectified? There was no love-making, no time or care spent. My partner was alternately a horn dog and cold and indifferent toward me. I discovered he had a second phone he was using to arrange times to cheat on me when I was working or sick. We argued, and he blamed me for not “looking like other girls” and said he felt like I was his younger sister. I wore very practical, androgynous clothing and little to no makeup. Attracting men or fitting in with societal norms of what sexually/aesthetically attractive women look like has never been important to me, so again I could not understand why he cared. He could not understand why I didn’t care. He came close to physically abusing me, and I fell into depression. I started self-harming and suffered suicidal thoughts. I have never been comfortable showing many emotions and am generally uncomfortable around people who are emotional. Let’s say, vulnerability is not my cup of tea. I one day forced myself to cry in front of him. He sat stone faced and ignored me while I sobbed. I thought if he could see how much I was hurting, something might change. It didn’t. I finally decided my only option was to leave. I have since realised that I am in fact a heteromantic asexual, something I had suspected since I was a teenager, but dismissed. I am in a much healthier place psychologically now that I’ve accepted my sexual orientation and I’m much happier with myself. Sex was the dark cloud that hung over the relationship and now I know why, and also that I need a partner who appreciates my value sans sex and is understanding of my sexual orientation and not dismissive/abusive. My question to other romantically inclined aces going forward is this: at what point do you tell a potential partner you are asexual and probably won’t ever want to get naked with them? I’m again romantically attracted to someone, but have no clue how to broach this subject in a non-awkward way. 😞

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From the inbox #1169

“For the past few weeks I’ve been dating this really nice guy, him and his family have been treating me so nicely. There’s only one big problem: he has it in his head that we will have sex. He knows that I’m asexual, I don’t exactly hide the fact that I am ace. I hate any type of sexual contact. But every once in a while he’ll ask for a pic of me shirtless or a “sneaky pic” if you get what I mean. I do love him but it can get so overwhelming at times. I’ve talked about the whole ace thing with him so many times, I’ve no idea what to do, sometimes I think I should break up with him .”

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From the inbox #1097

“So recently I just got dumped. He meant everything to me. He was the only person I have ever been attracted to in a romantic and sexual way (Im demi) and I am having a hard time handling it. I feel like it is partially my fault that I didn’t make him feel like he was good enough. Our relationship wasn’t “stereotypical” and because of circumstances we couldn’t spend a lot of time together in person. I didn’t mind and I thought I made that clear though, but he broke up with me because he said that he wasn’t a good enough boyfriend to me and that I deserved better and that he needed to work on himself. I let him go because I love him too much to make him stay when he doesn’t want to. But it hurts so bad that sometimes I don’t even know if it will ever stop hurting. I guess I just wanted to vent. Maybe see what other people have to say. And share my newly reinstated motto in life that unless he wants to be with me again will stay permenantly in place. “Single and never going to mingle”. I thought some people may like it, so I figured I would share it. I thought it was pretty fitting for those of us who don’t want to get into romantic/sexual relationships.”

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From the inbox #1082

“I’m going to send some pictures people might relate to 🙂 I was watching a K-drama on Netflix called Hello My Twenties (I think it’s also called Age of Youth) and there were these scenes where one of the characters essentially broke up with her best friend and she was really sad and got annoyed with her flatmates for not taking it as seriously as when their other friend broke up with her boyfriend. It’s kind of a sad moment but I was glad they acknowledged how much of a big deal the end of a platonic relationship can be and how hard it can be to get others to understand. Anyway here are the pictures…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From the inbox #1055

“Saw a friend like this page and thought I’d take a look because I’m in need of some advice/help. Sorry if this is long, but need to provide context.

I, a heterosexual male, have been in a relationship with, in my opinion, the most wonderful woman on this world for a few years now. She’s been open to the idea of a relationship but various factors in her life, a lot of them medical related, left her feeling hesitant on progressing into a more intimate one.

I’ve been doing my best to give her the time and space she needs; I always ask if she’s doing alright or if I need to back off when we cuddle, she quickly put a stop on me asking if it was okay to kiss her, and I’ve done my best to not pressure her till almost a month ago when I said to her something along the lines of “I know we’re still a long ways off from having sex, but how far is too far for you?”

She responded that she wasn’t sure if she would ever be fully comfortable with even the idea of having sex ever.” I’d be lying if I said that didn’t disappoint me, and she probably picked up on that, but I love her and willing to deal. Well after that she did a lot of thinking and came to the realization that her hesitancies on getting into an intimate relationship isn’t due to germ avoidance from her medical issues, but that she’s asexual.

So to actually get to the point, she thinks we should break up because she doesn’t believe she’s capable of fulfilling my needs in a relationship, but wants me to actually make the decision since, according to her, “It affects you the most.”

I love and deeply care about her, but I’m afraid that despite her saying she still loves me as well, that she won’t actually accept me wanting to continue our relationship since she’ll feel like I should be with someone else. But I’m also afraid that if we don’t continue our relationship that over time we’ll drift apart, especially if I find someone else, and if that happens that she’ll finally let her medical conditions get the best of her and take a turn for the worst, since her family can’t stop talking about how much better she’s been doing since I’ve entered her life.

TL:DR version, long time girlfriend recently figured out she’s asexual, doesn’t think our relationship can work out due to how physically intimate I tend to be, but wants me to make the decision, I’m certain I love her enough to make it work, but at a lost on just what to do.”

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From the inbox #1047

“I’m asexual. I didn’t know until after I had been married for over ten years and had 3 children. Now it’s causing a huge amount of on tension and fighting and disconnection between my husband. He needs sex and I don’t want it. But i know it’s destroying our relationship. Now he’s talking alot about wanting my permission to to see an escort once a year. I don’t know what to say. But that seems not helpful and a road to separation rather than helping our marriage. I’ve suggested counseling, he’s not so interested in counseling but I think he’ll go. Does anyone else have any success stories from similar experiences?”

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