From the inbox#741

“Greetings to you all. I just wanted to take the time to thank you for this page and all that you have given light to.

I just want to share my experience with an Asexual partner who is also FTM Trans.

Myself, I am not Asexual. Far from it. In fact when my Partner came out to me as both Trans and Asexual, boy did I have a lot on my plate.

I grew up in a sheltered life in the Bible Belt and smack dab in the middle of KKK support. So I have always heard the hell fire and brimstone rhetoric if only being two genders and love between man and woman.

How women are supposed to be treated and sex is something a man has to have and women should just like it. So Trans, Asexual, different sexual orientations? You will burn in hell for such ways of thinking.

I always knew I was different. I grew and shaped into the person I knew I was. Sure, coming to terms with who I was was no easy feat and my parents to this day haven’t fully accepted me. [I am 28] I soon found people attractive no matter what the gender. My crushes ranged from men and women and I dated a bit of both.

It wasn’t until last year that I met the person of my dreams. A few months of dating and they came out to me as Trans. Oh boy did that change my way of thinking. A bit of talking, some research as to what they truly were and it wasn’t that hard if A stretch to just fully accept the person I was in love with.

A little bit later He told me they were on the Asexual spectrum. Once again, I was met with a while new change. Once again…research, talking it out and just flat out being understanding on their wants and needs, it wasn’t so hard to grasp.

What does bother be is the Taboo and stigma of having sex with an Asexual or that sex will almost never be a thing and it’s not going to make a relationship. It will break without it.

I hang my head in shame that this way of thinking exists. I blame the area I live for part of it, but just the fact that people still think love or sex is so clear cut and defined. Even when I was married, I never really thought sex was needed to make a marriage work. Some days I wanted it, others the thought of it didn’t excite me. Other times I needed other things before I felt the need for sex.

It wasn’t until I met my Partner and read about others that have experienced this, that its ok to not want, need, or even partake in anything sexual.

Being cuddled, hugs for hours or even just simply being held is enough. I love him for who he is. A Trans, Asexual. And I am proud to know this page is full of so many others like this. You all have opened my eyes to so many things.

TL;DR – my Trans Partner is on the Asexual spectrum and we have never felt that sex has to be the end all be all. I hope the stigma that sex needs to be a thing will end. I am so happy to have them, and this page rocks. Thank you for existing.”

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From the inbox 578

TW: Mentioning of rape

“I just wanted to say thank you for running this page, and I wanted to share my story. I am actually not asexual, but my husband is on the spectrum. He has never come out, and only did to me after I read something and made the connection and asked directly if that was how he felt. This changed our entire marriage. Before I would think that somehow I wasn’t enough, or he didn’t want me. Often he would end up trying to prove he did. I then read a story written about a couple where one was asexual and one was not. I had no idea it was going to change my marriage and my life. In the story the ace says that he is willing to have sex to make his partner happy, and the non-ace gets sick. He feels like he raped his partner, because the consent wasn’t real. They delve further into it, and find their own path, which is what we have done. We haven’t had sex in more than a year, and I’m okay with that because I love him.”

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From the inbox 568

“My girlfriend is an Ace and she’s sex repulsed, and I completely respect all her boundaries and what she’s comfortable with and what she isn’t, I love her more than anything and would never do anything she didn’t want me to. And recently we started to play around with things and she told me she was loving it and wanted to keep exploring, etc and I kept checking that she was sure that it’s what she wanted and she kept telling me yes. But now she’s wanted to stop so we have. But she tells me that no matter what, after any sort of sexual act she starts to hate herself and feel guilty. She said no matter how much she enjoys it and wants it, she always ends up hating herself. I was just wondering if I could get some advice on it and if there’s anything that could be done to help her not feel that way because she wanted to do these things but yet she falls into this state. It doesn’t matter to me if there’s nothing that can be, I love her no matter what. But I would really just like some advice on how she could combat that feeling of guilt and self-hatred, along with anything I could possibly do to help.”

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From the inbox 565

“I understand, appreciate and respect the vastness of the spectrum. However I wanted some advice. I am a heterosexual female and have been with my partner for 14 years, being married for 3. We have only had sex 4 times in 8 years. When we first got together we had sex frequently but we no longer do. I want to. He doesn’t. I don’t want to force him. I have asked him if he considers himself asexual after reading a description to him. He said yes. But I am not, I do have sexual desires. I never want to push him and would never use the ‘try it you might like it’ line. You wouldn’t say to a gay man to try vagina once, he might like it. You’d respect that he’s gay.

So. My husband has zero interest in sex. I miss it dearly. So so much and want to start a family. We love each other deeply and have stood united and strong through so much. I need sex. I miss it, the bond, the intimacy. He doesn’t need it.

What do I do? I’m a heterosexual who married an asexual. I didn’t know when we got married. If hoped he’d ‘put it in’ and realised he enjoyed it. But that hasn’t happened and I now understand and respect asexuality as a legit sexual orientation. He’s not broken, he’s not frigid, he us my husband and he us asexual. I don’t ever want him to be uncomfortable and I love him.

What do I do?”

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From the inbox #431

“What is it like to be in a relationship with someone else who is asexual? I’m dating someone who isn’t also ace and it seems most of our problems boil down to my inability to keep up with his sex drive. Is dating someone else who is ace better than dating an allosexual or does all of it kinda suck at somepoint?”

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From the inbox #411

“I am not ace . I’m am transgender and am currently having my own baby I have had sex before but used and al donor to have my child I’m currently having before I finish my transtion. I was just wonder is it normal for me to not like sex anymore ? I really been thinking about this a lot and I would love an ace partner in the future as I feel it would be a long lasting relationship and wed be on the same level .”

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From the inbox #395

“So, for a while now I have been thinking my boyfriend is asexual or within that umbrella. He doesn’t care about labels he just goes by the same thing as me “I’m me.” Well I guess my question is, I sometimes get frustrated from not having sex. We used to at the beginning of the relationship and now we only do very rarely (I think because he knows how hard it is on me). He feels bad because I get upset but I’m never upset at him. If I need sex bad enough he’s open to me finding it somewhere else (we are polyamourous). The other night he said he wished he could fix it and be able to want sex with me more. He’s not broken and it hurts me that he thinks he is. I don’t know how to comfort him and let him know I’m not upset with him for who he is.”

From the inbox #366

“Hey, I am sorry if this isn’t something you guys are used to (or want to be) dealing with but I’m a little confused and hope to understand better. I am a sexual female married 4 years to a male whom I believe to be asexual. I don’t know how to go about discussing it with him, I know he has never heard the term asexual before. He tells me he isn’t interested in sex, it’s always the furthest thing from his mind, that goes for cuddling, hugs, kisses, even holding hands. He told me he never thought he’d ever get married or be in any sort of “real” relationship. He used to be very sexually active with me in the beginning of our relationship but he says he was trying to appease me, do what he thought I wanted. He lied about kinks or things he was “into” in order to make me happy. I will stop ranting and rambling lol. More so than anything, I think being able to identify could help us, I don’t know how to bring it up to him. I don’t want him to feel like I’m attacking him. I accept and love him unconditionally, we are expecting our first child and I know he loves me unconditionally as well… just not so much with physical contact… how can I bring it up? I think if he could identify it would help us both understand a lot better why we always fight about my “needs” and how unloved it can make me feel.
Thanks for any help you can offer 🙂

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From the inbox #305

“So I need some advice here, so I just found out that my best friend is an asexual which is fine I have no problems with that , however I’ve been interested in her for 8 years and we have a wonderful relationship , she has just recently told me that her feeling for me have changed and that she’s interested in a relationship with me ( which is great , I’ve wanted that for so long) but then last month she sat down with me and informed me that she was an asexual, so I said alright that’s fine , I guess what I’m looking for as far as advice goes is is there anyone who is in a relationship with an asexual that isn’t one and how do you handle things of that nature?”

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From the inbox #297

“I just found this page and I am excited to do so. I am not asexual myself. I was, however, married to one for 13 years. I did not know then that there was a term for his lack of desire. I thought then that it was odd and I was desperate to be touched. He still (been divorced 10 years and both remarried) has NO IDEA that there is a word for his sexuality. I wish I had known then. It could have saved our marriage. He was not open enough about it to figure it out. Much love to you all. For the sake of those who love you, be honest. I could have and would have lived with it.”

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