From the inbox #200

TW: Abuse

“I’m a cisfemale aro-ace (possibly demi or grey but as of right now I’m still finding out). I’ve come out to a couple of my very close friends who have all been understanding and supportive, and I really want to come out to my mother and siblings as well, but I’m hesitant.

I’ve gone through all the reasons for and against over and over. Pros: I can be fully open on social media and in person, they’ll stop trying to set me up/ask me when I’m going to start dating (I’m 24 and never been on anything even resembling a date)/looking at me pityingly when the subject of dating/marriage is brought up, I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding an important part of myself from them. Cons: I grew up in an abusive home, and my mother has already come out and admitted to me she thinks me and my siblings (who are all straight and married) could be doomed for failed relationships because of it and she blames herself. I know that’s not why I’m asexual, but I’m afraid to upset her and lead her to think she “broke” me. I even overheard her telling my aunt once she thought maybe I wasn’t dating because I was secretly a lesbian from being scarred from experience with my father.

I don’t want to hide anymore, but I can’t take my mother’s misplaced guilt. Any advice?”

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From the inbox #185

“I am an aro ace who has absolutely zero interest in dating. I have tried it many times before, and every time, I find it to be extremely uncomfortable and hurt the other person instead. My friends all know this, and they all respect me for who I am, but it didn’t stop one of them from developing a crush on me. He told me (after letting it fester for a while) and I made it very clear that I was not open for business and probably never would be.

So you’d think, problem solved, right?

Well, not quite. This little crush he had, it grew into something more. He has told me that he’s had crushes before, but they are nothing like this. This is something else, something strong. And I am NOT RECIPROCATING IN THE LEAST but it is still going. I feel like I’m torturing him just by existing, and we both feel powerless to stop it. He has already contacted Aven, but they didn’t help much (just told him to stop feeling that way which is not helpful in the least) so I thought I’d turn to you guys for help. Any thought would be appreciated!”

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From the inbox #170

“Advice or something. Idk:

So recently I started hanging out with this girl I used to know in high school (7yrs ago). We knew each other but not well. When rumors started flying about her, I was too exhausted and overstimulated from school so I decided not to get involved. 7 yrs later, we started noticing each other’s progressive Facebook posts and decided to hang out. I was warned by a few people not to get involved with her (bc of the rumors from hs) But I wanted to decide what she was like for myself. Shes experienced a lot of trauma and loss of friends due to being trans and autistic, as well as having a history of drug addiction. So we’ve been hanging out for about a month and a half. I got snowed in at her place once and we’ve spent long ours together. So now she’s developing all these feelings for me. feelings I can’t reciprocate. Not just because I’m ace, but also bc I’m just not interested in more than a friendship with her. Part of why she likes me is because of the way my sexuality manifests (I guess she finds it intriguing). So she knows very well that I’m ace. She says she understands that but she keeps complimenting me and talking about how much she loves me and wants to hold me. I find this very uncomfortable (it’s even uncomfortable to write). I do extended touching with only a handful of people in my life. I dont like cuddling. I like hugs… But not cuddling /extended touching. Sometimes I feel like she’s trying to guilt me into being affectionate… But also that’s probably me just jumping to conclusions (I’ve dealt with a lot of manipulative people in my life). I’m not sure how to ask her to lay off a bit without hurting her feelings. Any ideas?

Somewhat related question: I can’t tell if I’m more asexual or more aromantic. Anyone got any hunches or advice on how to figure it out?”

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From the inbox #169

“So there’s this guy who’s SO in love with me, but I’m hardcore aroace and I know we can’t be “just friends” so I’m trying to cut him off and it hurts. Any advice?”

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From the inbox #56

“Hi. My name is Betsy and I’m a 21 year old asexual. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’m aromantic also. The only times I’ve had a boyfriend is when my mom really wants me to, because I don’t want one. I had crushes when I was little, I really like some fictional characters and I know when people are attractive, but I just don’t want a relationship with them. I want children someday, though, and have considered using a surrogate when the time comes. No one in my family seems to really understand, but I just don’t know if I could feel romantic love. What do you guys think?”

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From the inbox #45

“I am an asexual person who experiences romantic connections. I understand that some asexuals or other orientations sometimes do not experience romantic connections at all and I was wondering if anyone could explain to me the relationship between love and romantic attraction in that respect (while dating is involved)

How do you view your partners?

What draws you to a partner?

Do you even have partners?

Do you have long term relationships and if so do they involve love while not involving romantic attraction?”

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From the inbox #36

“Hello,
I am unsure but I think I am biromantic asexual but that is not my issue today, my best friend (who identifies as asexual possibly aromatic), she reckons we are in some sort of bond like a platonic relationship (or that we are in a sort of relationship), but I want her to know that I’m not even interested at all, that she’s just a friend. I joke around with the whole platonic lover thing but the other night she started to talk about it seriously and I have romantic interest in other people not her and I’ve made this clear, but how do I tell her that we are not in a ‘relationship’?
:/ ”

Here are the replies.