From the inbox #769

“Hey guys
So I just wanted to rant to someone about this but I have a friend who is straight and he and I hang out pretty much when ever we can and I identify as ace aro and he is basically my squish and when I go over to his we just sit and watch TV smoking fags and it makes me feel really at ease I’ve led up against him like just rested my head on his shoulder and he doesn’t make a fuss or tell me to stop
He just is
But alot of people keep asking me or make jokes about our friendship saying we are dating and comments like that which makes me feel bad like me being friends with him is bad for him I just hate it when we hang out with friends because it always happens

Any advice you could give me ?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #701

CW: Depression

“I want to ask if it’s possible for an aro and an ace to be together. I am a homoromantic asexual (maybe, or maybe demisexual or somewhere in the grey area) and I suspect my gf could possibly be an aromantic homosexual
We’re both cisgender female
She has changed since we started to be togheter , 1 month and a half ago, but I don’t know if it’s because of her cyclical depression (she fell back in her black abyss lately 😞 ) or because she’s just an aro and her past romanticism was
just due to the entusiasm of a new relationship
I’m so confused
Is there anything such an Aro/Ace couple?!? It sound so weird but I love her so much and I’m okay doing sexual stuff with her, I actually enjoy doing stuff to her , even if I’m not able to react to what she tries to di to me. And I enjoy the cuddling and the kissing and the petting with her too, I need all of that actually. Should I speak to her about this… ? I’m afraid to loose her”

Here are the replies

From the inbox 618

“So for the longest time, I identified as aro-ace because I’ve never had a romantic attraction or urge. Never wanted to kiss, hug, cuddle, do weird date things at all. I don’t understand or pick up flirting. I went on my first date and didn’t even Know the guy thought it was a date till he hugged me goodbye and I talked with my mom about it, and she told me it was a date. I simply thought we were hanging out.

Well, I was having a conversation with an ace online, and mentioned that I am an aro-ace but I chose males as sexual partners (you know, for sex purposes and I want to reproduce). I told her depending on which groups I am around, I will tell people I am straight or ace since I technically am only with men. She told me I am not aro, but I am heteromantic. I disgree and want to know which one the community thinks I am. Thank you.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #292

“I’m just feeling wistful and wanted to share some thoughts about aceness and relationships. Specifically, the concept of “significant others”.

Significant other; that means a romantic and/or sexual partner; girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife. By that definition, I’m not significant to anyone, and can’t be, because I’m asexual, aromantic and don’t want a marriage/family/children. Significant other or lack thereof is how a lot of people define their life at any given moment: they are either single, or taken. Often, if they are single, they are expected to be actively trying to change that situation. Older relatives will ask “Well, have you met anyone new? or “Is there anyone special in your life?”, and they don’t mean friends.

No matter how many friends and family members I have, because I lack a *significant other*, I’m considered to be single, alone. And, no matter for much devoted platonic love I show for those friend for years and years and years, that can never even compete with the romantic love of someone they met a month ago. For example, no one I know would think twice about moving out of the country and leaving me behind; but it would be perfectly obvious that if they had a new girlfriend or boyfriend, that would stop them from leaving. And if they did leave, it wouldn’t be me they would miss, and think about, and call, and come back to visit. It would be the *significant other*. Everyone would commiserate about how hard it is to be away from their *significant other*.

All my closest friends have these significant others. I don’t envy their relationships and I wouldn’t want any of that for myself, I don’t want anyone new in my life. I love the friends I have now and I’m perfectly happy with having them. I just wish they had a bit more time for me, is all. I brought this up to one of my oldest friends when she started dating – she’d been single the longest of all my friends – I said that I was happy for her but also a bit sad for myself, since now she wouldn’t have time for me, either. She laughed and brushed it off, as if that could never happen, but nowadays I talk to her about once a month and see her even less. And that’s not her partner’s fault. That’s just how these things work, apparently, because they’re each other’s priority, now. And I’m no one’s priority. 99% of the time I’m not even a consideration, because in our modern culture, that’s not what friendships are like.

Are there any older ace/aro people here who aren’t in a relationship (and don’t ever intend to be)? Do you feel lonely, and how do you deal with it?”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #276

“I’m a 30 years old aromantic asexual and I just discovered a couple of years ago due to the fact that sexuality wasn’t relevant in my life until I reached adulthood as sexuality becomes part of adult’s life either on work or between friends so I just had to pretend I was on the same boat. However what I need advice for this situation: ever since high school I knew people would start dating and I thought I’d have to, I didn’t but nobody mind so I was ok, but the problem was one my friends started dating they’d be obsessed with their partner and start cutting me off their lives, up until this day, and I think that’s the most difficult part of my situation as ace to handle, I’m really into fraternal love, so when I feel ditched by my friends or family because of their romantic/sexual life, it just hurts, I know I sound selfish and I feel bad for that too because I know at the end these people will be for me when I need them, so I understand, support and wish them well, however that still hurts and I can’t control what I feel, sometimes is really tortuous, any advice to cope with these situation? Thanks in advance and sorry for the long message but I needed to get this out of my chest.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #233

“I identified as ace and aroflux for the longest time, and then a few months ago (during one of my romo times) an old friend of mine, who I’ve known for 12 years, told me that he liked me, and I liked him back. We’ve been sorta dating for the past few months, and I decided that I was probably settled on romantic and grey-sexual orientation. But now they’ve flipped back to very ace and very aro and I don’t know what to do or what to say to him. Because I still feel sensual attraction to him, and I might still want to be like in a queerplatonic relationship with him or something, but I don’t want to date him romantically. But I’ve known him for so long that I don’t want to hurt him in any way by explaining this (as he is straight and although understanding of the ace thing, feels both sexual and romantic attraction”

Here is the reply

From the inbox #229

“Odd moment tonight. I was giving my friend Kaitlyn a ride home from work. We have a mutual friend, Steph, that is asexual and aromantic. Kaitlyn began asking me about Steph, and her friendships with myself and others.

Steph has a partner for sexual encounters, we all figured that one out. She also has a very strong emotional connection to one of her best female friends.

So Kaitlyn and I are a bit lost. We understand the nonexistence of sexual attraction, and given that Steph’s partner is a married man, we can mostly ascertain that this is an arrangement for relief of tension or bonding of trust. But over the last month or so, her attitude towards her friends is shifting, wherein she spends more time exclusively with the two people she has close ties with. Physically, and emotionally.

At the end of it all, we just want to make sure she is alright. Is there anything we can say or do? Or is this something best left alone?

Names are fake. Just FYI.”

From the inbox #223

“I know I’m ace, and that’s been hard enough in relationships. But I’m coming to the realization that I don’t really want a romantic partner either – in the past I’ve gone through the motions and all that and it just feels fake and forced. I realize now that I never really (romantically) loved the people that I said I did, I kinda just thought I was supposed to. I felt really out of control (I’m kind of a control freak) and locked in and it was terrifying.

The thing is, while I like being alone and being an individual (as opposed to a part of a unit), I do want love. I don’t want the kind of love that makes me feel smothered though. I don’t know if I’m aro or what, but I feel like there’s no one like this except me. ”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #203

“Hey, y’all. Ace aro sex-repulsed trans guy here. Other ace aros out there, do you think it’s possible for us to fall in love with someone? Not just feel affection for, I mean really fall in love with someone with the possibility of marriage/life commitment. Cause people in love just look so happy, and sometimes I feel a little jealous – not of their relationship, but of their boundless joy. Do you think we can? Cause I’m starting to feel a little like a robot here.”

Here are the replies

From the inbox #200

TW: Abuse

“I’m a cisfemale aro-ace (possibly demi or grey but as of right now I’m still finding out). I’ve come out to a couple of my very close friends who have all been understanding and supportive, and I really want to come out to my mother and siblings as well, but I’m hesitant.

I’ve gone through all the reasons for and against over and over. Pros: I can be fully open on social media and in person, they’ll stop trying to set me up/ask me when I’m going to start dating (I’m 24 and never been on anything even resembling a date)/looking at me pityingly when the subject of dating/marriage is brought up, I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding an important part of myself from them. Cons: I grew up in an abusive home, and my mother has already come out and admitted to me she thinks me and my siblings (who are all straight and married) could be doomed for failed relationships because of it and she blames herself. I know that’s not why I’m asexual, but I’m afraid to upset her and lead her to think she “broke” me. I even overheard her telling my aunt once she thought maybe I wasn’t dating because I was secretly a lesbian from being scarred from experience with my father.

I don’t want to hide anymore, but I can’t take my mother’s misplaced guilt. Any advice?”

Here are the replies