From the inbox #532

“Hello! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m demisexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We recently found out that he is being transferred for work across the country. We have been trying to work out what we are going to do. Am I going with him, are we going to try long distance, or are we breaking up? Neither of us wants to break up, and don’t think that long distance will work for us. In his mind, moving across the country together makes our relationship permanent. We have both admitted that we think that the other one is our person. He is hesitating because we don’t have passion together. We do have sex, and enjoy it, but it’s not tv/movie look at each other and jump bones, passion. He has had that in the past, and says that is the only flaw in our relationship for him, and he is trying to decide for himself if that is a deal breaker. He has literally said everything else is perfect. I’m really struggling with this because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I didn’t even know that the TV passion was a real thing. It made me feel broken when he said it. We started our relationship knowing that he is very sexual and that I’m demisexual. We are in an open relationship, and it has worked very well for us. I just don’t know what to do. This time limit is stressing me out. He moves in July. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have advice for me? He is a fantastic person, and this has never been an issue for us before, but this time limit is making us question everything. Any advice or shared struggles would be helpful.

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From the inbox #515

“Hi, I’m gray-ace and my husband is heterosexual. I didn’t realize my asexuality for what it was until after we had gotten married. I’m not sex-repulsed, but I’m quickly losing the motivation to even have sex anymore. I don’t mind it when it happens, usually. I just feel like I’m moving more towards not wanting sex ever and it makes me feel guilty that it will affect my husband. He’s not entirely open to me being asexual and he kind of ignores it when I talk about it. Help?”

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From the inbox #514

“Hey, I had a question. My boyfriend is great and is understanding of my asexuality but still likes to cuddle. That’s fine with me but there are done days I don’t want to be touched at all or I get crabby. How do i explain this without him thinking I’m pushing him away?? I fear he’s fearing he’s pushing me away doing something wrong but I’m just wired. I like cute cuddles one day, the next I don’t want to be touched. Have you guys felt this?if so what did you do?”

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From the inbox #507

“(I apologize if this is long and doesn’t explain the situation very well)
Okay so my SO and I have been dating for over 2 years now, and we do have sexual interactions. Sometimes I’m just fine with it because I like feeling the intimacy with him, but other times it’s just not there for me, and I don’t know how to go about explaining this to him without making him think it’s his fault. We talked about my asexuality towards the beginning of our relationship, but it hasn’t really been brought up since then, so I’m afraid it will kind of be like a slap in the face to him. I’d just recently learned to accept my asexuality (much thanks to this group) but there’s still a lot of growth, so I still feel really awkward talking about it. Has anyone sort of experienced this and would have any insight? I would be grateful. Thank you!”

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From the inbox #493

“Hello there! I’ve been thinking about messaging the page for months and, even though my relationship is now over, I ‘m still curious about the personal opinions of the members on a subject (forgive my english please, english is not my native tongue). So, as a demisexual myself, I was wondering if any of you get jealous of your (heterosexual) partner’s previous relationships with heterosexuals. Whenever I think of my (now ex) boyfriend with his ex girlfriends I feel disgusted and I throw up. I’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness that may play a role though, and I would like to know whether this attitude is due to the illness (bipolar disorder), my personality or my sexuality. Any similar experiences? Thank you in advance!”

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From the inbox #491

“So, i need advice. I’m Demisexual and fine with sex so long as it’s gentle and loving, my partner is very sexual and prefers forceful “call me your whore” sex. My partner fully supports my sexuality and tries to understand it but it feels like anything sexual we do is purely for them now, because i’m insecure and don’t want to disappoint. how do i explain things without making my partner feel like a horrible person?”

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From the inbox #485

“I ended up getting a boyfriend back in 2013 to see if sexual feelings would develop over time, and he is very sexual, and seems to take my asexuality as a challenge. After some badgering about it, I told him that while I’d have sex (after we’re married) with him so he’d be happy, it’s not something I’ve ever been interested in or like to talk about. He told me I’d have to get used to it, continues to try to grope me (he once attempted it in public, but learned quickly this was a bad idea since I grabbed his fingers HARD), and often sexts me, asking if ‘that sounds like fun? 

He’s actually making me sex-repulsed (at least in regards to him) because of this, but I don’t think he realizes.”

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From the inbox #451

“I’m asexual but my boyfriend isn’t. He has a HIGH sex drive. He’s very loyal but lately we’ve been having trouble. Not having sex makes him so frustrated that he cries at night. We love each other so much except for this. Any advice?
I’m very sex repulsed. Thinking about it disgusts me and puts me on edge. I don’t know how to change
Or whether I should try to change at all”

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From the inbox #436

“Hey 🙂 I could use your advice/opinion.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while and we’ve tried having sex a few times and every time I would panic and I’d just be unable to relax enough for it to work out, so he’d end up annoyed and I’d end up in tears. Once when we talked about it, he said how he feels like I have no interest in sex whatsoever, and that got me thinking, so I did quite a bit of research and I’ve come to realize that I’m asexual.

Like, I want to go all the way with him, but when it actually gets to it, every single alarm in my body goes off, and I panic, and I call everything off. It has taken a toll on both of us, and he’s been very patient and understanding when I told him that I’m ace, however he did say something that scared the hell out of me. He said that he won’t pressure me into anything that makes me uncomfortable, and that he’ll do his best to make things as easy for me as possible, however even though he’s not giving me a deadline or anything like that, if nothing changes whatsoever (if I can’t find a way to get over this) then our relationship has an expiration date.

I do understand that sex is something that he needs/wants, and I’d never ask him to give that up, and he really is doing his best to help me feel comfortable, but I don’t know how to get over this.

I don’t ever want to lose him coz he is the love of my life, and this whole thing just makes me want to curl up and cry.”

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From the inbox #432

“Hey. I’ve kind of very recently sort of started dealing with the idea of being asexual. I’m finding it a pretty massive struggle, feeling lonely and broken and whatnot. I want to tell my boyfriend about it, but I’m scared that he’ll think that I’ve been lying to him previously when I’ve said that I’ve wanted to have sex. We’ve had sex before but I found it really uncomfortable and I’m not super keen to do it again just yet. Sex is really important to him, though… And I’m worried that he won’t want to be with me anymore if there’s a chance I won’t want to do it.”

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