“So I could really use some advice, or at least some input, in regards to a situation. I’m a heteroromantic asexual female, and I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for over a year. I came out to him as asexual twice in a way, once early on when I admitted that I didn’t notice physical attractiveness, and the other time officially, about 5 or 6 months into our relationship. He took it well, and over time I’ve been able to educate him about asexuality. Well, not too long ago, he asked me if he could tell his closest friends about me being asexual. I was super hesitant, since I’ve only met his friends via voice chat once, and know nothing about their general views of the LGBT+ community. He got upset with me, and started talking about how I should tell my family about being asexual eventually, even if it’s after I move out. I got upset with him, and told him why I’d never tell my family(they’re a bit homophobic and highly transphobic, so really not safe people to be out to). I explained that coming out to someone put me in a very vulnerable position, that I always had to proceed with caution, and that I’ve gotten burned before, hence my caution and my reason for trying to gauge people first. He started apologizing to me, and admitted he didn’t realize how private me being asexual really was, and that he’d told people without me knowing. Not his close friends, but his oldest sister and some people he works with at his summer job. His sister guessed I was asexual during one of their conversations and he merely confirmed it since he didn’t want to lie. As for his coworkers, he works at a place that is very open towards sexuality, so when he asked a few questions about asexuality, people were able to figure out he knew someone who’s asexual, and again, not wanting to lie he’d confirm it. I’ve only met his sister in person once and his roommate(who’s girlfriend is also asexual) via a skype chat(we’re a long distance relationship, so most of our chats are via skype). While I’ve forgiven him, I felt completely and utterly terrified when he told me this. I was crying and started to shut down on him I got so overwhelmed. He started crying when he realized how much he hurt me, and it basically was a cry fest for a bit until we managed to calm each other down. I’ve forgiven him and I still love him, but I guess I’m wondering is, how to handle this. This whole mess was a result of him wanting someone to be able to talk to about me being asexual, and me not really mentioning how much in the closet I really am. I never made a big deal out of being asexual, after coming out, heck I’ve shared a few things from this page with him. I don’t want to prevent him from being able to talk to someone if he needs to(one of my good friends is bisexual and the two of us talk about LGBT+ stuff a lot, which is really nice since there really isn’t anyone else I can talk to who is also part of it), but after this, I almost don’t want him to tell his friends, however I already said he could if he gauges their views first. So basically, any advice for dealing with this mess or moving past it?”
“Hey, I just wanted to share something positive with you guys. I know a lot of ace people that think they can only date other aces because they think that ace people are the only people that will understand what being ace is and that will respect those boundaries.
I’m a biromantic asexual girl in an amazing relationship with a het guy and he completely respects my boundaries. We constantly communicate on what I’m okay with and what I’m not. So fear not, fellow aces. Someday you will find the right person and no matter what their sexuality, they will respect yours. Keep your chin up and keep your Ace pride.”
“My wife and I have been going through kind of a pretty bad rough patch lately (won’t get into that here), and today I realized it’s gotten to the point that I don’t find her physically attractive anymore. Since she knows I’m demisexual, she said that means I don’t love her anymore. Tried to tell her I do and that I loved her earlier in our relationship before we started having sex, but she doesn’t seem to understand, so I don’t know what to do.”
“Trigger Warnings: references to corrective rape and abusive relationships.
Forgive me, this is sure to be a long post. It’s something I’ve never shared before, so I’m not sure how to say it concisely. It may sound a little childish, at first, that it still bothers me when it happened so long ago.
When I was 12, I met a boy who was sixteen. He was different for me in every way, but we became best friends anyway. I was naive, of course, for not thinking this odd, but I was innocent at 12. I’d never had a crush, never even spared much thought for boys or girls alike. When he said he had a crush on me, it was something entirely new to me. I was 13 then, and he 17.
I said no.
I didn’t think of him that way, and I didn’t want the relationship to ruin our friendship. He didn’t relent; he wanted to ‘win me over’. After two months, it became clear to me that our friendship was over. If I wanted to keep him in my life at all, I had to cave.
So I did.
Everything changed. He became very sexual, as boys that age do, but I wasn’t much interested. He continued, trying to engage me in cybersex, sexting, so on and so forth. When I tried to say I wasn’t interested, he ran over my words. He said he would make me interested in it. That he could change my mind. It escalated for months. I found myself actually loving him, but now I can’t really understand why; there was no love in the relationship, so I don’t know why I felt it like I did.
It progressed to the point where he told me he would come find me and “fuck [me] raw”. It was long distance, you see, so it wasn’t something he could just do. Even when I said I wouldn’t want sex, he’d insist that he’d come do it anyway, and show me how to like it. After all, I was “just a broken sex toy” that he could “fix right up”.
I wish I could say I left him then. But I didn’t. It really messed me up, that idea that I was just a broken sex toy. It didn’t help that all of our mutual friends thought it was cute; that we were the perfect pair, after a year of being best friends; that he was just helping me learn to grow up. We finally broke up after he was grounded for texting me, and we went a month without speaking.
It was years before I learned what asexual was. Years before I understood that it wasn’t normal, that relationship, and that no thirteen year old girl should have to be afraid that the person she loved would just show up one day and violate her against her will. It was years before I understood that he was threatening to come rape me, and that it wasn’t something I was just supposed to tolerate. I still have to fight the words in the back of my head, his voice, telling me that I was just broken. That there weren’t others like me. That I was just…. Invalid. I am twenty now, and have still not recovered the trust and love and confidence that I lost seven years ago. I’m still not even willing to tie my name with this story, because I don’t want my family to see — hence the anonymity. It’s something I have only told people this past year.
He still calls me, sometimes. When he’s drunk or when he just “wants to get back in touch”. And every time, it forces me to reaffirm my sexuality. Every time I answer, I get a little more confident telling him to never call again — even if he won’t listen, it gives me power to say it..
I can’t imagine I’m alone with this, not after seeing so many other people in a community that 13-year-old-me wouldn’t have dreamed of. And so, this is for you, if you are still struggling with threats of corrective rape, of abusive relationships, of being told you’re broken. Because that’s the whole point of LGBTQ, right? A shelter, a community for those who were told they were wrong for how they loved.”
“I just wanted to share that I just told my boyfriend about how I feel. I didn’t tell him asexual exactly, I’ll probably sit him down later on and explain it fully but I just briefly told him about how I’m not interested in sex or sexual activity because I’m sex aversed. I was a crying, shaking, nervous wreck as I told him. I immediately thought that I screwed everything up, that he was going to leave me right on the spot. But the sad tears changed to happy ones as he assured me that he loves me and would not leave my side. He was more shocked about the fact that I thought he’d leave than the fact that I don’t give 2 shits about sex. I just wanted to share this because it might help others feel better, might pass on a little bit of hope. “
“From my very brief time being a part of this page, I’ve noticed a person or two telling about their story of coming out as asexual. I figured this was an appropriate time for me to reveal mine as it happened a year ago exactly. Back in high school, I was actually made fun of by my group of friends at the time. They’d go around shouting “Tori’s afraid of sex! Tori’s afraid of sex!” And I thought that there was something wrong with me. I had a few friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I’m still friends with them to this day, but I don’t think they were aware of the terminology of asexuality.
This time last year, I decided that I was ace and I took it upon myself to come out to my then boyfriend. He didn’t understand the term which I totally understood and I did my best to explain it to him through my rising panic. However he asked me horrible things. For example, he had asked if I would want to have sex in five or 10 years and that took me aback because I would still be in school. He also asked me to masturbate for him to see if my feelings for him were true. That right there scared me even more. He was the very first person outside of the community that I came out to and it took me a while for me to feel comfortable with telling people of my sexuality. Now I’m incredibly comfortable because I feel like it’s an important thing for others to know. We may be few in number but we exist and I know we will continue to do so.
If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be so comfortable with my identity so I do have that to thank him for”
“Just need to vent. My partner is super romantic and has a crazy high libido, while I’m much less affectionate and waver between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed. Their actions drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes! They try to compromise but it’s sometimes short lived and often still too much for me. I hate having to keep constantly pushing them away, which upsets them which upsets me, and it’s starting to really get to me that I keep having to reset and defend my preferences and boundaries. I’m worried one day soon I’ll snap or their bubble will burst and that’ll be that. I’m worried too that that might not be the worst thing, that we both deserve to find someone more into what we have to offer. Sigh”
“Hello! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m demisexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We recently found out that he is being transferred for work across the country. We have been trying to work out what we are going to do. Am I going with him, are we going to try long distance, or are we breaking up? Neither of us wants to break up, and don’t think that long distance will work for us. In his mind, moving across the country together makes our relationship permanent. We have both admitted that we think that the other one is our person. He is hesitating because we don’t have passion together. We do have sex, and enjoy it, but it’s not tv/movie look at each other and jump bones, passion. He has had that in the past, and says that is the only flaw in our relationship for him, and he is trying to decide for himself if that is a deal breaker. He has literally said everything else is perfect. I’m really struggling with this because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I didn’t even know that the TV passion was a real thing. It made me feel broken when he said it. We started our relationship knowing that he is very sexual and that I’m demisexual. We are in an open relationship, and it has worked very well for us. I just don’t know what to do. This time limit is stressing me out. He moves in July. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have advice for me? He is a fantastic person, and this has never been an issue for us before, but this time limit is making us question everything. Any advice or shared struggles would be helpful.
“Hi, I’m gray-ace and my husband is heterosexual. I didn’t realize my asexuality for what it was until after we had gotten married. I’m not sex-repulsed, but I’m quickly losing the motivation to even have sex anymore. I don’t mind it when it happens, usually. I just feel like I’m moving more towards not wanting sex ever and it makes me feel guilty that it will affect my husband. He’s not entirely open to me being asexual and he kind of ignores it when I talk about it. Help?”
“Hey, I had a question. My boyfriend is great and is understanding of my asexuality but still likes to cuddle. That’s fine with me but there are done days I don’t want to be touched at all or I get crabby. How do i explain this without him thinking I’m pushing him away?? I fear he’s fearing he’s pushing me away doing something wrong but I’m just wired. I like cute cuddles one day, the next I don’t want to be touched. Have you guys felt this?if so what did you do?”