From the inbox #826

“I just felt the urge to share how happy I am right now.

It is an utterly wonderful feeling to know that your partner loves you so much that regardless of how sexually attracted to you they are, they will never pressure you into doing more than you want to. My trust in them is unwavering and I love them to bits for the awesome person that they are.

💜💜

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From the inbox #825

“I gotta say, following your page has been amazing in coming to terms with my sexuality. I, like a lot of ace’s, realized who I was late, when that magic “spark” of desire never happened. I’ve come to terms with it and my girlfriend and I have worked it out, but it’s trying some days.

A lot of people just don’t GET it. I see well-meaning people lump it in with being aromantic. I’ve debated with my brother, a rather open-minded person, about why and how. I’ve struggled to explain why articles that talk about sexual desire as some universal experience are alienating and downright wrong (to which I get “if you don’t like it, don’t read it”, which is ridiculous when most of the world we live in treats sexual desire the same way, and I can’t just not participate in the world). I’ve debated with people IN the ace community about what it means to be ace.

I don’t know. It’s rough some days. My girlfriend can even say things that are well-intentioned, but are frustratingly ignorant (to be fair, sex isn’t a topic we’ll ever have the same view on, so we’ve both accepted there will be a degree of separation here, and I know I’ve said things that make her upset without meaning to). She’s even been told a few times she should leave me, that she’s brave and has a lot of self-control, that most people “couldn’t do what she’s doing”. I am head over heels for her and intend to spend the rest of my life with her, but it’s like my relationship isn’t valid.

And realizing I’m ace was a great step for me! It was scary, and I worried it’d be limiting, but I feel free! I’ve accepted now that I don’t need to force these feelings everyone else has, that I don’t need to want or even like sex. That I can be happy and have a fulfilled life without those feelings. That my girlfriend loves me even though she knows I don’t feel sexually attracted to her when we’re together.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I guess I’m looking for advice on what to do with those days you just feel alone and invalid, like you’ve repeated the same thing over and over again, but people don’t understand.”

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From the inbox #748

“[TW : sexual relations]

I feel so lost, I don’t think any of you can help me but I’m pretty shure that I need to talk about what happen. So excuse me for this post and don’t worry if you can’t do anything for me, I just need to talk about it with other people.

The situation : I’m in the ace spectrum, and currently I’m fully ace. But I still have sexual relations with my girlfriend, she is hypersexual. I was keep telling myself that it was not good for me, that it was even dangerous. And this morning… It happen, what I was scared of happened… I didn’t want to have sexual relation but we did. I didn’t really say to her that I was ok but she keeped touching me like she wanted it, so we did. It was really early in the morning, I was tired and I don’t remember very well how we started. I just remember that I woke up and she was rubbing against me as if she wanted to have sex. After we finished, she just went back to sleep for several houres, and I turned around in the room, trying to calm myself down.
I told her everything when she woke up, how I was feeling… she just apologized and past to another subject as if it was not really important. I don’t know what to thing about, I’m so lost.”

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From the inbox #743

“I’m not asexual but I am on the spectrum and looking for advice.

So I’m going through a dilemma in my current relationship. I’m very much a demisexual while my boyfriend is aromantic heterosexual. We’ve been best friends for three years, dating for two. He’s very sexual but I need a very strong bond with a person before I can even consider it. Even then I don’t always desire it or really enjoy it all that much.

We’ve always had constant struggles but right now I’m having a hard time keeping an emotional connection with him due to the lack of “romance” if you will. Resulting in me losing my attraction to him. This isn’t the first time either. I should add we are now long distance and he works nights so we don’t get to communicate much.

I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel but he still believes everything is fine. That I’m just over thinking it. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if we can rekindle our relationship or if we should just be friends.”

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From the inbox #724

“I’m kind of having a hard time right now, there has been a lot going on in my life. So I am just looking for advice or support.
I have been ill for several years now, and had to have emergency surgery earlier this year. My twin sister is currently raising three young children, and divorcing her husband that completely stopped supporting them a couple months ago. I also just found out that my oldest sister has a tumor somewhere in her head, but we have to wait a couple of months due to other medical issues, before they can find out anymore information. I have also had to back out of a few important events, and i know people have been very disappointed in me… I have been super stressed, to say the least.
I am supposed to be moving across the country in a couple weeks to go stay with my boyfriend that I have known for nearly two years, and dated for almost a full year. We talk on the phone for hours almost everyday. I love him to death, and he is an amazing person and has helped me with so much within the last two years. He is pansexual, and I am Ace. I go back and forth on whether I am greysexual or not… I have a long history of sexual abuse, and intimacy tends to trigger me. So it is difficult to discuss anything remotely related to sex. He knows this, and for the longest time, was fine with me not wanting to have sex with him. Though lately I have been feeling really unsettled with how he talks about having sex with me. I don’t always shut him down when he talks about it, because I am unsure about whether or not I might one day be ok with it. But he brings it up more and more frequently… Honestly, it terrifies me.
Sometimes the hardest part about being ace, is the gap that is created by not having the same wants and desires. It hurts to confront this issue. And I really don’t want to completely shut him down. I always feel torn about it because I think I am overreacting.
Thank you to all who took the time to read and reply.”

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From the inbox #697

“So I could really use some advice, or at least some input, in regards to a situation. I’m a heteroromantic asexual female, and I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for over a year. I came out to him as asexual twice in a way, once early on when I admitted that I didn’t notice physical attractiveness, and the other time officially, about 5 or 6 months into our relationship. He took it well, and over time I’ve been able to educate him about asexuality. Well, not too long ago, he asked me if he could tell his closest friends about me being asexual. I was super hesitant, since I’ve only met his friends via voice chat once, and know nothing about their general views of the LGBT+ community. He got upset with me, and started talking about how I should tell my family about being asexual eventually, even if it’s after I move out. I got upset with him, and told him why I’d never tell my family(they’re a bit homophobic and highly transphobic, so really not safe people to be out to). I explained that coming out to someone put me in a very vulnerable position, that I always had to proceed with caution, and that I’ve gotten burned before, hence my caution and my reason for trying to gauge people first. He started apologizing to me, and admitted he didn’t realize how private me being asexual really was, and that he’d told people without me knowing. Not his close friends, but his oldest sister and some people he works with at his summer job. His sister guessed I was asexual during one of their conversations and he merely confirmed it since he didn’t want to lie. As for his coworkers, he works at a place that is very open towards sexuality, so when he asked a few questions about asexuality, people were able to figure out he knew someone who’s asexual, and again, not wanting to lie he’d confirm it. I’ve only met his sister in person once and his roommate(who’s girlfriend is also asexual) via a skype chat(we’re a long distance relationship, so most of our chats are via skype). While I’ve forgiven him, I felt completely and utterly terrified when he told me this. I was crying and started to shut down on him I got so overwhelmed. He started crying when he realized how much he hurt me, and it basically was a cry fest for a bit until we managed to calm each other down. I’ve forgiven him and I still love him, but I guess I’m wondering is, how to handle this. This whole mess was a result of him wanting someone to be able to talk to about me being asexual, and me not really mentioning how much in the closet I really am. I never made a big deal out of being asexual, after coming out, heck I’ve shared a few things from this page with him. I don’t want to prevent him from being able to talk to someone if he needs to(one of my good friends is bisexual and the two of us talk about LGBT+ stuff a lot, which is really nice since there really isn’t anyone else I can talk to who is also part of it), but after this, I almost don’t want him to tell his friends, however I already said he could if he gauges their views first. So basically, any advice for dealing with this mess or moving past it?”

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From the inbox #668

“Hey, I just wanted to share something positive with you guys. I know a lot of ace people that think they can only date other aces because they think that ace people are the only people that will understand what being ace is and that will respect those boundaries.
I’m a biromantic asexual girl in an amazing relationship with a het guy and he completely respects my boundaries. We constantly communicate on what I’m okay with and what I’m not. So fear not, fellow aces. Someday you will find the right person and no matter what their sexuality, they will respect yours. Keep your chin up and keep your Ace pride.”

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From the inbox #661

“My wife and I have been going through kind of a pretty bad rough patch lately (won’t get into that here), and today I realized it’s gotten to the point that I don’t find her physically attractive anymore. Since she knows I’m demisexual, she said that means I don’t love her anymore. Tried to tell her I do and that I loved her earlier in our relationship before we started having sex, but she doesn’t seem to understand, so I don’t know what to do.”

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From the inbox #639

“Trigger Warnings: references to corrective rape and abusive relationships.

Forgive me, this is sure to be a long post. It’s something I’ve never shared before, so I’m not sure how to say it concisely. It may sound a little childish, at first, that it still bothers me when it happened so long ago.

When I was 12, I met a boy who was sixteen. He was different for me in every way, but we became best friends anyway. I was naive, of course, for not thinking this odd, but I was innocent at 12. I’d never had a crush, never even spared much thought for boys or girls alike. When he said he had a crush on me, it was something entirely new to me. I was 13 then, and he 17.

I said no.

I didn’t think of him that way, and I didn’t want the relationship to ruin our friendship. He didn’t relent; he wanted to ‘win me over’. After two months, it became clear to me that our friendship was over. If I wanted to keep him in my life at all, I had to cave.

So I did.

Everything changed. He became very sexual, as boys that age do, but I wasn’t much interested. He continued, trying to engage me in cybersex, sexting, so on and so forth. When I tried to say I wasn’t interested, he ran over my words. He said he would make me interested in it. That he could change my mind. It escalated for months. I found myself actually loving him, but now I can’t really understand why; there was no love in the relationship, so I don’t know why I felt it like I did.

It progressed to the point where he told me he would come find me and “fuck [me] raw”. It was long distance, you see, so it wasn’t something he could just do. Even when I said I wouldn’t want sex, he’d insist that he’d come do it anyway, and show me how to like it. After all, I was “just a broken sex toy” that he could “fix right up”.

I wish I could say I left him then. But I didn’t. It really messed me up, that idea that I was just a broken sex toy. It didn’t help that all of our mutual friends thought it was cute; that we were the perfect pair, after a year of being best friends; that he was just helping me learn to grow up. We finally broke up after he was grounded for texting me, and we went a month without speaking.

It was years before I learned what asexual was. Years before I understood that it wasn’t normal, that relationship, and that no thirteen year old girl should have to be afraid that the person she loved would just show up one day and violate her against her will. It was years before I understood that he was threatening to come rape me, and that it wasn’t something I was just supposed to tolerate. I still have to fight the words in the back of my head, his voice, telling me that I was just broken. That there weren’t others like me. That I was just…. Invalid. I am twenty now, and have still not recovered the trust and love and confidence that I lost seven years ago. I’m still not even willing to tie my name with this story, because I don’t want my family to see — hence the anonymity. It’s something I have only told people this past year.

He still calls me, sometimes. When he’s drunk or when he just “wants to get back in touch”. And every time, it forces me to reaffirm my sexuality. Every time I answer, I get a little more confident telling him to never call again — even if he won’t listen, it gives me power to say it..

I can’t imagine I’m alone with this, not after seeing so many other people in a community that 13-year-old-me wouldn’t have dreamed of. And so, this is for you, if you are still struggling with threats of corrective rape, of abusive relationships, of being told you’re broken. Because that’s the whole point of LGBTQ, right? A shelter, a community for those who were told they were wrong for how they loved.”

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From the inbox 611

“I just wanted to share that I just told my boyfriend about how I feel. I didn’t tell him asexual exactly, I’ll probably sit him down later on and explain it fully but I just briefly told him about how I’m not interested in sex or sexual activity because I’m sex aversed. I was a crying, shaking, nervous wreck as I told him. I immediately thought that I screwed everything up, that he was going to leave me right on the spot. But the sad tears changed to happy ones as he assured me that he loves me and would not leave my side. He was more shocked about the fact that I thought he’d leave than the fact that I don’t give 2 shits about sex. I just wanted to share this because it might help others feel better, might pass on a little bit of hope.

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