From the inbox #639

“Trigger Warnings: references to corrective rape and abusive relationships.

Forgive me, this is sure to be a long post. It’s something I’ve never shared before, so I’m not sure how to say it concisely. It may sound a little childish, at first, that it still bothers me when it happened so long ago.

When I was 12, I met a boy who was sixteen. He was different for me in every way, but we became best friends anyway. I was naive, of course, for not thinking this odd, but I was innocent at 12. I’d never had a crush, never even spared much thought for boys or girls alike. When he said he had a crush on me, it was something entirely new to me. I was 13 then, and he 17.

I said no.

I didn’t think of him that way, and I didn’t want the relationship to ruin our friendship. He didn’t relent; he wanted to ‘win me over’. After two months, it became clear to me that our friendship was over. If I wanted to keep him in my life at all, I had to cave.

So I did.

Everything changed. He became very sexual, as boys that age do, but I wasn’t much interested. He continued, trying to engage me in cybersex, sexting, so on and so forth. When I tried to say I wasn’t interested, he ran over my words. He said he would make me interested in it. That he could change my mind. It escalated for months. I found myself actually loving him, but now I can’t really understand why; there was no love in the relationship, so I don’t know why I felt it like I did.

It progressed to the point where he told me he would come find me and “fuck [me] raw”. It was long distance, you see, so it wasn’t something he could just do. Even when I said I wouldn’t want sex, he’d insist that he’d come do it anyway, and show me how to like it. After all, I was “just a broken sex toy” that he could “fix right up”.

I wish I could say I left him then. But I didn’t. It really messed me up, that idea that I was just a broken sex toy. It didn’t help that all of our mutual friends thought it was cute; that we were the perfect pair, after a year of being best friends; that he was just helping me learn to grow up. We finally broke up after he was grounded for texting me, and we went a month without speaking.

It was years before I learned what asexual was. Years before I understood that it wasn’t normal, that relationship, and that no thirteen year old girl should have to be afraid that the person she loved would just show up one day and violate her against her will. It was years before I understood that he was threatening to come rape me, and that it wasn’t something I was just supposed to tolerate. I still have to fight the words in the back of my head, his voice, telling me that I was just broken. That there weren’t others like me. That I was just…. Invalid. I am twenty now, and have still not recovered the trust and love and confidence that I lost seven years ago. I’m still not even willing to tie my name with this story, because I don’t want my family to see — hence the anonymity. It’s something I have only told people this past year.

He still calls me, sometimes. When he’s drunk or when he just “wants to get back in touch”. And every time, it forces me to reaffirm my sexuality. Every time I answer, I get a little more confident telling him to never call again — even if he won’t listen, it gives me power to say it..

I can’t imagine I’m alone with this, not after seeing so many other people in a community that 13-year-old-me wouldn’t have dreamed of. And so, this is for you, if you are still struggling with threats of corrective rape, of abusive relationships, of being told you’re broken. Because that’s the whole point of LGBTQ, right? A shelter, a community for those who were told they were wrong for how they loved.”

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From the inbox 611

“I just wanted to share that I just told my boyfriend about how I feel. I didn’t tell him asexual exactly, I’ll probably sit him down later on and explain it fully but I just briefly told him about how I’m not interested in sex or sexual activity because I’m sex aversed. I was a crying, shaking, nervous wreck as I told him. I immediately thought that I screwed everything up, that he was going to leave me right on the spot. But the sad tears changed to happy ones as he assured me that he loves me and would not leave my side. He was more shocked about the fact that I thought he’d leave than the fact that I don’t give 2 shits about sex. I just wanted to share this because it might help others feel better, might pass on a little bit of hope.

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From the inbox 577

“From my very brief time being a part of this page, I’ve noticed a person or two telling about their story of coming out as asexual. I figured this was an appropriate time for me to reveal mine as it happened a year ago exactly. Back in high school, I was actually made fun of by my group of friends at the time. They’d go around shouting “Tori’s afraid of sex! Tori’s afraid of sex!” And I thought that there was something wrong with me. I had a few friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I’m still friends with them to this day, but I don’t think they were aware of the terminology of asexuality.
This time last year, I decided that I was ace and I took it upon myself to come out to my then boyfriend. He didn’t understand the term which I totally understood and I did my best to explain it to him through my rising panic. However he asked me horrible things. For example, he had asked if I would want to have sex in five or 10 years and that took me aback because I would still be in school. He also asked me to masturbate for him to see if my feelings for him were true. That right there scared me even more. He was the very first person outside of the community that I came out to and it took me a while for me to feel comfortable with telling people of my sexuality. Now I’m incredibly comfortable because I feel like it’s an important thing for others to know. We may be few in number but we exist and I know we will continue to do so.
If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be so comfortable with my identity so I do have that to thank him for”

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From the inbox #555

“Just need to vent. My partner is super romantic and has a crazy high libido, while I’m much less affectionate and waver between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed. Their actions drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes! They try to compromise but it’s sometimes short lived and often still too much for me. I hate having to keep constantly pushing them away, which upsets them which upsets me, and it’s starting to really get to me that I keep having to reset and defend my preferences and boundaries. I’m worried one day soon I’ll snap or their bubble will burst and that’ll be that. I’m worried too that that might not be the worst thing, that we both deserve to find someone more into what we have to offer. Sigh”

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From the inbox #532

“Hello! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m demisexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We recently found out that he is being transferred for work across the country. We have been trying to work out what we are going to do. Am I going with him, are we going to try long distance, or are we breaking up? Neither of us wants to break up, and don’t think that long distance will work for us. In his mind, moving across the country together makes our relationship permanent. We have both admitted that we think that the other one is our person. He is hesitating because we don’t have passion together. We do have sex, and enjoy it, but it’s not tv/movie look at each other and jump bones, passion. He has had that in the past, and says that is the only flaw in our relationship for him, and he is trying to decide for himself if that is a deal breaker. He has literally said everything else is perfect. I’m really struggling with this because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I didn’t even know that the TV passion was a real thing. It made me feel broken when he said it. We started our relationship knowing that he is very sexual and that I’m demisexual. We are in an open relationship, and it has worked very well for us. I just don’t know what to do. This time limit is stressing me out. He moves in July. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or does anyone have advice for me? He is a fantastic person, and this has never been an issue for us before, but this time limit is making us question everything. Any advice or shared struggles would be helpful.
Thanks,
J”

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From the inbox #515

“Hi, I’m gray-ace and my husband is heterosexual. I didn’t realize my asexuality for what it was until after we had gotten married. I’m not sex-repulsed, but I’m quickly losing the motivation to even have sex anymore. I don’t mind it when it happens, usually. I just feel like I’m moving more towards not wanting sex ever and it makes me feel guilty that it will affect my husband. He’s not entirely open to me being asexual and he kind of ignores it when I talk about it. Help?”

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From the inbox #514

“Hey, I had a question. My boyfriend is great and is understanding of my asexuality but still likes to cuddle. That’s fine with me but there are done days I don’t want to be touched at all or I get crabby. How do i explain this without him thinking I’m pushing him away?? I fear he’s fearing he’s pushing me away doing something wrong but I’m just wired. I like cute cuddles one day, the next I don’t want to be touched. Have you guys felt this?if so what did you do?”

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From the inbox #507

“(I apologize if this is long and doesn’t explain the situation very well)
Okay so my SO and I have been dating for over 2 years now, and we do have sexual interactions. Sometimes I’m just fine with it because I like feeling the intimacy with him, but other times it’s just not there for me, and I don’t know how to go about explaining this to him without making him think it’s his fault. We talked about my asexuality towards the beginning of our relationship, but it hasn’t really been brought up since then, so I’m afraid it will kind of be like a slap in the face to him. I’d just recently learned to accept my asexuality (much thanks to this group) but there’s still a lot of growth, so I still feel really awkward talking about it. Has anyone sort of experienced this and would have any insight? I would be grateful. Thank you!”

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From the inbox #493

“Hello there! I’ve been thinking about messaging the page for months and, even though my relationship is now over, I ‘m still curious about the personal opinions of the members on a subject (forgive my english please, english is not my native tongue). So, as a demisexual myself, I was wondering if any of you get jealous of your (heterosexual) partner’s previous relationships with heterosexuals. Whenever I think of my (now ex) boyfriend with his ex girlfriends I feel disgusted and I throw up. I’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness that may play a role though, and I would like to know whether this attitude is due to the illness (bipolar disorder), my personality or my sexuality. Any similar experiences? Thank you in advance!”

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From the inbox #491

“So, i need advice. I’m Demisexual and fine with sex so long as it’s gentle and loving, my partner is very sexual and prefers forceful “call me your whore” sex. My partner fully supports my sexuality and tries to understand it but it feels like anything sexual we do is purely for them now, because i’m insecure and don’t want to disappoint. how do i explain things without making my partner feel like a horrible person?”

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