From the inbox #805

“I have a very pressing matter to resolve. You know how allos refer to a hot person as “eye candy”? Then should aces who experience aesthetic attraction refer to an aesthetically pleasing person as “eyecake”? I reckon we should… 🤔

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From the inbox #757

“I don’t know if this is the best place to ask or not but.. Are there any (Sex repulsed) Undertale fans here that ship Frans (Frisk x Sans) in a fluffy platonic and or romantic way that isn’t sexual or is that just me? And on that note are there any who find Sans the Skeleton (not human) aesthetically pleasing to look at and maybe want to hug and kiss but don’t wish to “bone” him or is that also just me? I have posted in the Sex Repulsed Asexual group with something similar and I did get one comment, although we shipped differently (they are into Frisk with Papyrus) they felt the same about liking them in a non sexual way. I seem to find so many Frans shippers who identify themselves as Frisk so they could be with Sans… I see Frisk as a different person. If Sans was real, I would hope Frisk was too so they could be together. Sure I’d like to hug him and I’m curious how his body words but I wouldn’t want to do anything sexual with him… I hope this makes sense @_@ I’m not the best with words or anything…”

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From the inbox #725

“Hello. I’m kind of a newly open Ace (autochorissexual) My lack of sexuality caused a lot of inner turmoil when I was a teenager. Now that I know there is a word for me and to know that there are others like me though, I am a little more comfortable with myself.

However, it does worry me still with the romantic aspect. I feel like I am never going to have a relationship, not because the lack of intimacy could cause problems, but more of because since I lack sexual attraction I really want a partner that I find aesthetically appealing. But I to find so few people appealing.

Is that normal? Am I just being too picky? I feel so conceited for wanting someone I find appealing.”

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From the inbox #673

“Do you experience romantic attraction only when you are in love? Or even before? There are some actors i find really handsome and totally my type, but I don’t feel anything for them. I don’t want any of them as my bf at all. I’m 22 and fell in love only once (with a real person but I never met him in person. [I don’t count anime boys lmao]).
How would you call this?”

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From the inbox #669

“I know about asexuality for quite a while now, and sometimes even considered I am, but I was never really sure or just thought: nah, you’re not a real asexual person then. I had sex two times in my life with a person I really trusted, but I just didn’t enjoy it. I never had any bad sexual experiences, but when I think about sex, I start feeling a bit uncomfortable or annoyed about having it myself. I feel like other people are OVERLY interested in anything sexual. I never really understood this “this person is so hot”-concept. No matter what gender or what body it is, but I don’t understand people who get aroused because of nudity. I can find a girl’s face cute and beautiful, but this aesthetic affection is pretty much all. Honestly the one thing that would be arousing for me is only when two people share a deep connection. But I would never want to imagine being in this situation myself. I hope this is not too explicit – however, I do masturbate, but I don’t want to share this with anybody. Other people seem to do. I’ve been in this situation quite a few times and it was always annoying or gross for me. Especially when I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to have sex. French kisses were always disgusting for me. Truth be told, this relationship wasn’t really based on love, more because I wanted to fill a void, and here’s that: What makes me unsure is the fact that I would want to kiss (still no French kisses tho, haha) and a bit more if I would find a person I am really close to. I just don’t know if sex would ever feel good for me. It was never a big part of my life, and I guess many people have been told “you just haven’t found the right person yet”. Thing is, I really don’t know if that’s true in my case. I am looking for a person I can truly love and connect with, so maybe I am really asexual, or well maybe just demisexual. I don’t know, really. What do you guys think about that?”

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From the inbox #635

“Hi (sorry this is long), i’m just a little confused and I guess I would like other people’s input on this because I never get a chance to talk about this with anyone. I am most certainly asexual, no doubt about that, and I am pretty sure I am aromantic as well. I have had one close call, but i’ve never been in an official relationship before. I would like to try dating at least once because i’m curious, but I feel like the feelings I would have would be just super platonic mixed with finding someone aestheically beautiful. I feel like the chances of me finding someone who is also ace and aro is so slim. I guess I’m just second-guessing labelling myself as aromantic because the daydreamy part of me still wants this unrealistic perfect relationship and because of that I guess I still try to convince myself that I have romantic feelings somewhere, but I know that in reality I don’t do romance, and hearing about other people’s romantic relationships just puts me off. I enjoy when people that I find aesthetically beautiful compliment me and give me emotional attention, so I think i’m confusing that feeling of wanting them to appriciate me with genuine romantic attraction, but i’m so second-guessy that I don’t feel confident labelling myself. Any advice? And can aromantic people still be in relationships with romantic people but just experience different feelings?”

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From the inbox #632

“My sister is only 15 and so the types of relationship don’t make much sense to her at all. She only really knows the whole “I like you” part but not the ways you can be attracted to someone. I want to be able to explain it to her since makes comments sometimes about how she thought she liked girls and normally prefers them but is dating a boy and it confuses her a little. She’s shrugging it off as being ‘Bi-lesbian’. But no matter what she identifies as I feel like she could always benefit from being able to tell the difference. So ANY advice on how to explain the difference would be appreciated. Right now she thinks there is “Liking someone” or “Being friends”. That romantic relationships are just being friends with them. As a Demisexual Panromatic person I found never being taught the difference to be very damaging and isolating for me. It caused years of unnecessary pain and confusion, doubts and “I’m broken” type thoughts. I don’t want to chance that with my baby sister. She can be anything and my family will love her all the same. I just want to give her the information in a way she understands, so she can be more sure of herself.”

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From the inbox #528

“Hey, just wondering if this is a demi thing…
I don’t really find anyone physically attractive till I’ve gotten to know them actually…
Just wondering if other demi’s are the same or if I’m just weird.”

Physically is meant as aesthetically.

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From the inbox #509

“So, please bear with me on this, i’m not sure if i’m going to explain it right. I’ve never been much of a sexual person. I always just chalked it up to a low libido. I enjoy sex when I have it, but I very very rarely have any urges to have it. I can look at a stranger and find him very attractive, but I’ve never looked at a stranger and wanted to have sex with him (does that actually happen to people just by looking at someone?) I am a very physical person in all other regards, kissing, snuggling, etc.. Just not sexually. When in a relationship, the desire does rise a little bit, but only slightly. I’ve always joked that I need to find a guy with ED in order to make a relationship work without sex very often. I guess i’m just wondering, does this make me asexual? I’ve read a bunch of things and some things make me think yes, but then others don’t quite match up. I mean, I have no problems with it if I am. It would definitely explain a lot of things. My doctor kept saying it’s just hormone imbalance but anytime I had tests done they came back normal. Either way it’s nice to know there are other people out there that don’t care about sex. Gives me hope to actually finding someone. Anyway, I hope you can help. If you have any questions that would help you give better answers, ask away. I’m an open book and have very few qualms talking about personal things.”

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From the inbox #450

“My Ace Story (Sorry, this gets pretty long!)

Seeing so many people send in their story made me want to send mine, so hope it’s not wrong of me to do so. There’s nothing particularly sad about it, I think.

So ever since I was around…somewhere between 4 and 7, I knew I never wanted children. Children were a hassle. And I thought sex was super gross (hell I still do) so that kinda took out a crucial piece if I wanted them to be 100% mine. People regarded getting married and having children so highly, I thought I was weird because I never really wanted that.

I felt a little alienated because I never wanted sex and I was always ‘putting off’ dating. In elementary school I was like ‘I’ll get my education, that’s most important’. Middle school was that, amended with waiting until college. Then I got to college, and I realized I didn’t want to at all. Especially because I go to college out of town with thousands of people that don’t live there either, and long distance relationships did not appeal to me.

I was part of the whole ‘no one would ask to date me seriously, they must be joking to mess with me’ club. I got asked by three people, two who were very good friends at the time and one who was a year above me asking me to prom. The first two I was too close to, and the third I thought was a joke, especially since that class saw me as ‘the smart girl scared of bugs’ (separate story). Point is, I was made fun of in that class so I assumed this guy (who I didn’t know very well outside of this class) was asking me as a joke. There wasn’t much he knew of me either. But there was another problem that came from that: I wasn’t…interested in being a date.

I don’t like most social gatherings, whether I know most people there or not. That’s always been true. I didn’t even go to my senior prom (junior prom got taken away my sophomore year because of the juniors so I didn’t have to worry about). But going alone didn’t appeal to me, and the thought of going as a date was a sour thought too. That was one of my first hint that dating wasn’t a thing for me.

Another of my hints came from this crush I had for 2 or 3 years. It was the last crush I ever had, but in the middle of that, a very close friend of mine had a crush on him as well. My mom insisted that it would destroy our then 5+ year friendship (which it didn’t), but I thought it was fine. She ended up confessing for me and her one day in a class the three of us shared that we both had interest in being his girlfriend (I was too shy and this was the only crush I ever even attempted to gain favor with). When she came back and told me that (which is not what I asked her to do), I protested. The reason was because I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. I just wanted him to know I liked him and that was it. Two(?) things had occurred to me at that point: that I had felt the same about every crush I had prior, and that being in a relationship was never my end goal. I thought that was normal up to that point but that was really when I started questioning myself.

Fast forward to sophomore year of college (I believe): I’m standing in line at school to wait for an event. I was talking to a pretty close friend, and while waiting we got on the topic of love lives (which neither of us really had). The things she was saying really sounded like what I had been going through, and she mentioned that she was asexual. Suddenly the years of being confused, feeling weird…made perfect sense. And it was that simple. I’m asexual. It made me feel much better. I was 19 and I finally knew more about myself. I’d been telling myself I was heterosexual because other than not actually wanting to have sex, I did like males. I had no proof to anything contrary. But now I knew.

Fast forward a few months. On a trip either back to school or back home, I’d expressed to my mother how I felt. She was totally fine with me being ace, and said it made perfect sense when I explained it to her. I also expressed disinterest in dating, and she thought she was to blame. She hadn’t had any relationship that ended well since I was born, which included my dad. It had nothing to do with her, it was just…how I felt. She even agreed to me after I explained why I didn’t like dating, that she might be the same. That made me feel better.

Something that made dating more unappealing was a show based on true events called Fatal Attraction. For those don’t know, it’s where relationships end because someone in the relationship gets killed, either by the other partner in the relationship, or someone outside (such as but not limited to an ex) was jealous and took matters into their own hands. As if dating wasn’t already unappealing, it was also SCARY AS HELL. It may be a little risk, but considering my orientation in such a sex-driven society, it was a pretty high risk for me. Especially after hearing how it ends for people who reject interested parties. That cemented how much I didn’t want to date.

Fast forward again to around a month or so ago. I was connecting with more people I knew that I hadn’t known were ace. Knowing more ace people made me feel happier and happier (I make it a point to high five anyone I meet that’s a fellow ace). Then I found out one of my friends is ace/aro. I hadn’t (knowingly) met anyone aromantic, so I finally had a chance to know more about it. So I asked her, and it seemed to resonate with me some, but I was still debating with myself. I hadn’t had a crush since my crush from high school transferred senior year, and that had been just fine with me for the past near 5 years. I had to evaluate with myself, did that mean I wasn’t attracted to people anymore?

I had never wanted to date people. Every time I thought about it, my mind hit a roadblock somewhere. I love hugging but that’s as far as my physical affection ever went and ever wanted to do. I didn’t want to risk someone who wanted sex you know, /killing/ me. I had no goal for it, and I realized that dating had never 100% appealed to me. And I’ve only ever liked people in an aesthetic sense. Platonic relationships are amazing to me. I love having friends (I even have a friend I’m pondering if she’s a platonic soul mate, but I don’t want to tell her at risk of weirding her out. I might just be overthinking it. We’ve still never met in real life.)

So at age 21, I realized I was likely aromantic. For a while, I thought I was lithromantic (Since it’s attraction without desire of having it returned) but after a while I just…didn’t think of anyone past ‘Oh you’re attractive, but I don’t want to date you’. I still think that about anybody. Gender stopped mattering when I was told it’s ok to think anyone’s attractive (You would think I wouldn’t have to be told but when you grow up in a household where homosexuality is frowned upon by the adults, your primary thought is ‘I don’t want to see what happened if I break that unspoken rule’. Hooray Christian upbringing!). Until I find something that makes more sense, that’s what I’ve thought.

Now I’m 22 (yes, my birthday was in that past month) and happily declare I’m ace/aro. If I don’t claim who I am happily, who else will? I’ve got to accept me for me. Sorry this was literally all over the place. It feels nice to tell someone without it being linked back to specifically me. I will continue to live my life as ace/aro, happy to be not-single (I hate the term single, it implies you want that status to change) and happy to be me!”

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