From the inbox #730

TW: Abuse, coercion

“Hi. I wanted to give some comission about demisexuality, as I found that it falls under some kind od asexuality.
For a long time I’ve been thinking I was asexual. I Was afraid that it might be caused by a sexual trauma I’ve, sadly, experienced. It made me think that I am not a true ace but a person with a sexual drive silenced by fear. Then, when I’ve found a partner after all, she did not understand it and quite forced me to have sex with her even that she knew what had happened to me before. I loved her, tho and started enjoying sex with her. But when she finally left me I stopped feeling anything. I wanted to give up on it at all. It didn’t last long because I found someone new. But even that I liked her, I still did not feel anything. She then asked me, if I was ace. I did not agree but didn’t know how to call myself. We started having sex, but I did not feel anything at all, but she respected it and gave me time, until I decided myself that I am ready to start. It all changed after some time. I felt closer to her and trusted her a lot more. I got to know her and feel comfortable with her. It was when she said it is probably demisexuality. After all the years I found who I am, and that my feelings are not any aberration nor anything wrong. I finally found myself and felt valid. Now I know after all the years, that there isn’t anything wrong with me an my trauma or the fact, that I am transgender doesn’t make me any less valid, that anybody else – ace, sexual, cis or nb or still searching. I wanted to say it and spread around the whole community – you ARE valid and you should never push yourself into anything. You deserve respect and feeling loved. Take care

From the inbox #724

“I’m kind of having a hard time right now, there has been a lot going on in my life. So I am just looking for advice or support.
I have been ill for several years now, and had to have emergency surgery earlier this year. My twin sister is currently raising three young children, and divorcing her husband that completely stopped supporting them a couple months ago. I also just found out that my oldest sister has a tumor somewhere in her head, but we have to wait a couple of months due to other medical issues, before they can find out anymore information. I have also had to back out of a few important events, and i know people have been very disappointed in me… I have been super stressed, to say the least.
I am supposed to be moving across the country in a couple weeks to go stay with my boyfriend that I have known for nearly two years, and dated for almost a full year. We talk on the phone for hours almost everyday. I love him to death, and he is an amazing person and has helped me with so much within the last two years. He is pansexual, and I am Ace. I go back and forth on whether I am greysexual or not… I have a long history of sexual abuse, and intimacy tends to trigger me. So it is difficult to discuss anything remotely related to sex. He knows this, and for the longest time, was fine with me not wanting to have sex with him. Though lately I have been feeling really unsettled with how he talks about having sex with me. I don’t always shut him down when he talks about it, because I am unsure about whether or not I might one day be ok with it. But he brings it up more and more frequently… Honestly, it terrifies me.
Sometimes the hardest part about being ace, is the gap that is created by not having the same wants and desires. It hurts to confront this issue. And I really don’t want to completely shut him down. I always feel torn about it because I think I am overreacting.
Thank you to all who took the time to read and reply.”

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From the inbox #699

TW: Abuse

“I want to get feedback on something kind of sensitive and I know you post stuff from your inbox… But I was wondering: is it wrong to tell people you’re asexual if the reality is you suffered sexual assault and it seriously influenced your ability to ever have sex again? I was molested as a child and was comfortable with my sex drive until the memories started coming back a year ago and I find it’s really hard to explain that I don’t want to have sex ever ever again without going into personal details. Is it wrong that I want to tell people I’m asexual? I’ll stop if the community thinks it’s wrong, but I don’t know how to ask this question. Sorry.”

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From the inbox #671

CW: damaging relationship

“I’ve gone through my fair share of break ups, but for some reason the most recent breakup, which happened in November, is hitting me particularly hard. You see, I work in the same building as him and his new girlfriend but the details aren’t important…

I fell in love with a sociopath. I feel so damaged from him after only being together 2 months. We clicked so well and it felt meant to be, but apparently I was just meant to be a temporary fling. I dont feel romantic attraction at all anymore and I’m having a hard time trusting others. I’m in counseling and on medication, but for some reason I just hurt more than usual. I’m asexual and also have autism spectrum disorder. Are there any words of healing or advice for getting over a sociopath/damaging relationship? Just some words of kindness and encouragement would go a long way. Thank you.”

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From the inbox #657

TW: Abuse

“I’m an aro/ace. I discovered it has almost a year, all this time I thought I was straight.
Well, my mom and my stepfather used to go to a farm almost every weekend because the owner was my stepfather’s boss. The guy was on his 50~60s, I think. The thing is… I was a kid. When they started going there, I was just 7 or 8 years old.
That guy started to pass his hands on my legs and on my arms. One year later, he started to try putting them on my “things”. I really wanted him to stop, I’d slap his hand, I’d tell him to stop, go to somehere where people would be… But I didn’t have enough courage to tell anyone about this – I didn’t even have the courage to TALK with my mom, on the first place. And this happened until I was 12. One day, my mom saw it and was angry as hell. At both of us. She told me that I was actually liking it, because I didn’t tell anything. Well, of course – everyone wants this. After she calmed down, though, she understood the situation.
So, what does this have to do with the page?
My mom thinks I’m aro/ace because of this.
Does your parents act like this as well (if you had been abused or something)? If so, how did you convince them that this isn’t a choice – and that this fact doesn’t affect in anything?
Thank you!”

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From the inbox #639

“Trigger Warnings: references to corrective rape and abusive relationships.

Forgive me, this is sure to be a long post. It’s something I’ve never shared before, so I’m not sure how to say it concisely. It may sound a little childish, at first, that it still bothers me when it happened so long ago.

When I was 12, I met a boy who was sixteen. He was different for me in every way, but we became best friends anyway. I was naive, of course, for not thinking this odd, but I was innocent at 12. I’d never had a crush, never even spared much thought for boys or girls alike. When he said he had a crush on me, it was something entirely new to me. I was 13 then, and he 17.

I said no.

I didn’t think of him that way, and I didn’t want the relationship to ruin our friendship. He didn’t relent; he wanted to ‘win me over’. After two months, it became clear to me that our friendship was over. If I wanted to keep him in my life at all, I had to cave.

So I did.

Everything changed. He became very sexual, as boys that age do, but I wasn’t much interested. He continued, trying to engage me in cybersex, sexting, so on and so forth. When I tried to say I wasn’t interested, he ran over my words. He said he would make me interested in it. That he could change my mind. It escalated for months. I found myself actually loving him, but now I can’t really understand why; there was no love in the relationship, so I don’t know why I felt it like I did.

It progressed to the point where he told me he would come find me and “fuck [me] raw”. It was long distance, you see, so it wasn’t something he could just do. Even when I said I wouldn’t want sex, he’d insist that he’d come do it anyway, and show me how to like it. After all, I was “just a broken sex toy” that he could “fix right up”.

I wish I could say I left him then. But I didn’t. It really messed me up, that idea that I was just a broken sex toy. It didn’t help that all of our mutual friends thought it was cute; that we were the perfect pair, after a year of being best friends; that he was just helping me learn to grow up. We finally broke up after he was grounded for texting me, and we went a month without speaking.

It was years before I learned what asexual was. Years before I understood that it wasn’t normal, that relationship, and that no thirteen year old girl should have to be afraid that the person she loved would just show up one day and violate her against her will. It was years before I understood that he was threatening to come rape me, and that it wasn’t something I was just supposed to tolerate. I still have to fight the words in the back of my head, his voice, telling me that I was just broken. That there weren’t others like me. That I was just…. Invalid. I am twenty now, and have still not recovered the trust and love and confidence that I lost seven years ago. I’m still not even willing to tie my name with this story, because I don’t want my family to see — hence the anonymity. It’s something I have only told people this past year.

He still calls me, sometimes. When he’s drunk or when he just “wants to get back in touch”. And every time, it forces me to reaffirm my sexuality. Every time I answer, I get a little more confident telling him to never call again — even if he won’t listen, it gives me power to say it..

I can’t imagine I’m alone with this, not after seeing so many other people in a community that 13-year-old-me wouldn’t have dreamed of. And so, this is for you, if you are still struggling with threats of corrective rape, of abusive relationships, of being told you’re broken. Because that’s the whole point of LGBTQ, right? A shelter, a community for those who were told they were wrong for how they loved.”

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From the inbox 577

“From my very brief time being a part of this page, I’ve noticed a person or two telling about their story of coming out as asexual. I figured this was an appropriate time for me to reveal mine as it happened a year ago exactly. Back in high school, I was actually made fun of by my group of friends at the time. They’d go around shouting “Tori’s afraid of sex! Tori’s afraid of sex!” And I thought that there was something wrong with me. I had a few friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I’m still friends with them to this day, but I don’t think they were aware of the terminology of asexuality.
This time last year, I decided that I was ace and I took it upon myself to come out to my then boyfriend. He didn’t understand the term which I totally understood and I did my best to explain it to him through my rising panic. However he asked me horrible things. For example, he had asked if I would want to have sex in five or 10 years and that took me aback because I would still be in school. He also asked me to masturbate for him to see if my feelings for him were true. That right there scared me even more. He was the very first person outside of the community that I came out to and it took me a while for me to feel comfortable with telling people of my sexuality. Now I’m incredibly comfortable because I feel like it’s an important thing for others to know. We may be few in number but we exist and I know we will continue to do so.
If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be so comfortable with my identity so I do have that to thank him for”

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From the inbox #543

TW: Abuse

“I am now to this , but it is me. I have been ashamed and about it just finding out about this and identifying myself as being an ace. I am also repulsed by sex…. I was in a 17 year abusive relationship, from age 19, to now… and then some… I always thought there was something wrong with me, because I wasn’t sure if I was gay or straight or WTF…… confusing time…. i’m not sure of things now…. also am I completely weird ? I don’t know how to BE…. EXIST….

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From the inbox #490

“How do you all feel about Fifty Shades of Grey? The books and/or the movies

I just saw that there’s a sequel coming out and I was curious to see your reactions!”

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From the inbox #487

TW: Abuse, sexually explicit

“Hi, I’m a 31 yo (former?) hetero woman. I don’t believe I’m asexual, as I have experienced attraction and used to enjoy sex prior to a couple years ago. I’ve been divorced a little over a year and I’ve been celibate almost 2 years. I think I’m just not interested anymore. My ex had erectile issues occasionally and insisted that it was my “job” to fix it, so it became more of a frustrating chore, and I wouldn’t even actually call it sex towards the end cuz he would basically just stand over me and masturbate and use my mouth. He wouldn’t even lie down with me. It felt more like abuse. I’m pretty sure I was even drugged a couple times. Anyway, I don’t date cuz I don’t want to have to deal with explaining my choice to be celibate. I also have hypothyroidism which causes little to no libido anyway. I am repulsed by the thought of anyone touching me. I’m really glad I came across the group, cuz even know I don’t fit the title, I can relate with SO MUCH that is posted.”

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