From the inbox #993

“I have this really good friend. We’ve basically met online, but she’s the best friend I hve and I care deeply for her. I found out I was ace a few months ago (I’m a genderfluid afab teen) and up until now I had the belief that I was panromantic (I thought for a while I was bisexual). After getting into the ace community, I consequently found out a lot more about the aro community, and this brought me many questions. I always thought I was romantic, I dreamed my whole life about it, and I was so convicted that I felt something romantic to people. The problem is that I realised now that what I feel for this friend is everything a romantic situation should be, except I have no romantic feelings involved – or do I? I had thought about this before, but then I always felt weird with the idea of kissing her and all the touchy stuff datefriends do. I saw a lot about squishes and aros and aces, but everything just makes me more confused. I don’t know now how romantic feelings are supposed to feel, if me feeling weird about kisses and stuff is just my aceness talking, or if I’m just misunderstanding everything. I kept thinking of past relationships and I realised I always felt like this, I would like the person but always feel weird about touchy things.
I like labels a lot; I always felt out of place, and when I found out the term ‘genderfluid’ I felt like I finally could fit somewhere, and I felt like that about being ace too, so right now I’m really freaking out about not knowing if I’m romantic or not. This friend of mine knows all my labels and she’s very supportive, but I’m scared of talking to her about this – even just considering her a squish – and scaring her, or losing her because of this. She’s straight and romantic, so it makes me even more apprehensive.
I’m really confused so I was wondering if anyone could help me with this. Thank you!”

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