From the inbox #884

TW: Sexual abuse

“What I’m about to say needs a CW for SA. This is the only place where I can discuss what I’m about to say openly, so whoever is around, thanks for listening. The recent #metoo campaign has really triggered me and I have started to remember some incidents that I had forgotten about. I have also read a couple of pieces recently that have asserted that if you were coerced into sex or gave in when you really didn’t want to, that it could be considered SA. I am 48 and it has only been in the last couple of years that I realized that I fit into the asexual spectrum. I never had a high sex drive like other people and when I was younger, it caused problems in some of my relationships. I also came of age at a time when the term asexual didn’t really exist. There were many instances when I had sex when I really didn’t want to because I felt it was something that I was supposed to do and standing my ground took too much emotional labor. Unpacking the fact that I have been raped many times by men who claimed to love me is beyond traumatic. Discovering that I may be ace is also difficult because I am also a black woman and black women are sometimes fetishized or regarded as hypersexual. I never realized until recently that I had the right to establish boundaries. I feel extremely alone and out of place as an older ace of color. I guess the point of this is to seek some validation that there is nothing wrong with me and that I’m not damaged goods. I haven’t dated in over 2 years and after what I’ve been through, I really don’t think I want to be in a relationship ever again.”

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