“So, I suffered childhood sexual abuse at the age of 12. It involved two members of my family, one closer than the other. The main abuser was Male, and the other abused was Female. It was on a regular basis, and when the female came over to visit both of them would manipulate me into believing I was playing a game. I didn’t know wrong to right. I didn’t know it was inappropriate behaviour. However, it was laid out to me as a game. The typical moms and dads, therefore in some sense we were roleplaying. But things went too far. I tried reaching out to my parents but, I soon stopped myself because of the shame I felt.
When I turned 15, I entered into my first relationship with a female. She would pressure me into sending inappropriate pictures, threaten me and verbally be abusive. The first time we met she pressured me into kissing her. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, relationships were new nature to me and I felt pressured to have a normal relationship that involved intimacy and sex. I’d always been sexually promiscuous from my early encounters with sexual behaviour but, when it came to closeness it was on a whole new level to me. Being intimate with my partner was difficult and I didn’t feel completely ready. But, I felt pressured to exceed to the expectations. My first time, consisted of me lay there, fake moaning and dissociated I didn’t at all enjoy it. I lay there afterwards tense, almost frozen. Every time we would meet up with one another she would expect sex at least three times a day. It was exhausting. Many times I’d pretend to be asleep just to get out of having sex with her, it was never a enjoyable thing for me, and the more times I let her have sex with me, the more I came prone to flinching at her touch. She would always get angry and blame me. If she didn’t get what she wanted, which was sex she would refuse me of being able to be physically close with her (cuddling etc) so every time I lay there and took it, just so I could cuddle up next to her at night. During the end of the relationship I let her stop touching me, but as you can imagine it didn’t stop her. She always looked for a opportunity, sometimes she’d even climb on top of me and hold me down.
Recently, I’ve been hooking up with strangers. I’ve been sleeping with men, even though I know sexually I’m not attracted to them. I don’t understand why I do it, it just happens. I don’t receive any pleasure.
I’ve never achieved a orgasm with someone else, and the thought of not being able to with my current partner scares me. I know it shouldn’t, but it does. I question whether or not I lay in the asexual spectrum or whether it’s at all linked with the sexually abusive behaviour I’ve encountered over the years.
I guess I just need some guidance. I hope that this in itself is a safe space. I’m in therapy for my sexual promiscuous behaviour. A lot of it is having to go back to the very beginning and it’s difficult and feels ill never find the route cause to my behaviour.”