From the inbox #833

“Ok, here’s the thing. I discovered I’m asexual over a year ago and I’m really proud of that. But I haven’t open myself to almost anyone, because I live in a country where LGBT+ community is not very welcomed. I mean there are always bad comments if you are something different than straight. It’s all fine, I don’t need any approval of who I am, I think. But there’s always that tiny voice – ‘you won’t ever find a person like you, people value sex too much.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about being alone, but about that rush of finding someone. I’m not even sure I want someone. And even my parents go ‘you’ll see when you have kids’. Who said I want all that?! They won’t understand if I tell them. I want to distract myself out of that environment, focus on my profession and be happy about it (let’s not forget my university and the popular opinion that if you are an artist you have to seduce the audience /you can’t create beautiful things that bring you joy, it’s only the body that is important; not every time, but still/). I’m supposed to play a prostitute, who was forced to be a prostitute and she hates it. And my teacher wanted me to feel what’s like being in her skin only by talking and I got so furious that I think I would have killed someone. Me? Who is usually a smiling person that wants to make everyone happy. How normal is even that?!? Psychic trauma is what I think about the situation, but I hope I’ll overcome that. (My classmates told me I was amazing there, but at what cost?)
I just feel sometimes lonely, angry and misunderstood.
And please excuse me if I made mistakes, because english is not my first language and writing this provoked my emotions I usually don’t have.”

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