From the inbox #825

“I gotta say, following your page has been amazing in coming to terms with my sexuality. I, like a lot of ace’s, realized who I was late, when that magic “spark” of desire never happened. I’ve come to terms with it and my girlfriend and I have worked it out, but it’s trying some days.

A lot of people just don’t GET it. I see well-meaning people lump it in with being aromantic. I’ve debated with my brother, a rather open-minded person, about why and how. I’ve struggled to explain why articles that talk about sexual desire as some universal experience are alienating and downright wrong (to which I get “if you don’t like it, don’t read it”, which is ridiculous when most of the world we live in treats sexual desire the same way, and I can’t just not participate in the world). I’ve debated with people IN the ace community about what it means to be ace.

I don’t know. It’s rough some days. My girlfriend can even say things that are well-intentioned, but are frustratingly ignorant (to be fair, sex isn’t a topic we’ll ever have the same view on, so we’ve both accepted there will be a degree of separation here, and I know I’ve said things that make her upset without meaning to). She’s even been told a few times she should leave me, that she’s brave and has a lot of self-control, that most people “couldn’t do what she’s doing”. I am head over heels for her and intend to spend the rest of my life with her, but it’s like my relationship isn’t valid.

And realizing I’m ace was a great step for me! It was scary, and I worried it’d be limiting, but I feel free! I’ve accepted now that I don’t need to force these feelings everyone else has, that I don’t need to want or even like sex. That I can be happy and have a fulfilled life without those feelings. That my girlfriend loves me even though she knows I don’t feel sexually attracted to her when we’re together.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I guess I’m looking for advice on what to do with those days you just feel alone and invalid, like you’ve repeated the same thing over and over again, but people don’t understand.”

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