From the inbox #710

TW: Rape

“I’m having a lot of issues coping right now and going through waves of emotion. Sometimes I’m numb and other times I’m having a breakdown. This has sexual assault involved so if that’s sensitive to anyone, please don’t read.

Everyone I know knows I’m asexual. That I don’t want to have sex ever again. I’m in a platonic relationship, it’s the best I’ve ever been in. I’m super happy.

But the other night I was having some drinks with my friend. We both identify as female. One minute, everything’s fine. We’re having those drunk conversations where you start to cry over dumb things. And then suddenly she was touching me. She knows how I am, she’s a close friend, and she was touching me. I was in so much shock I did nothing. My body moved with it. I’m so ANGRY that I didn’t push her off. I’m so upset at myself. I’m so frustrated. I’m so ashamed. It escalated and I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. But because she was drunk too she took it as consent. I bled a lot. It was on my legs and hands and I just… god.

I know it’s not detailed. Maybe I sound detached. But I am. I’m not feeling good and I’m not in a good headspace.

I’m getting emotional over this which is good. I need to feel it a little bit. I’m so scared. How do I tell the person I’m in my platonic relationship with? I didn’t want it. I didn’t. I started crying hysterically after. I’m in pain and absolutely destroyed by this. But I can’t lose my partner over this. I don’t know how to cope. I guess that was the question. What do I do? I feel really sick.

I need this to be anonymous, I don’t know how this works. But. I need to keep myself safe.”

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