From the inbox #697

“So I could really use some advice, or at least some input, in regards to a situation. I’m a heteroromantic asexual female, and I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for over a year. I came out to him as asexual twice in a way, once early on when I admitted that I didn’t notice physical attractiveness, and the other time officially, about 5 or 6 months into our relationship. He took it well, and over time I’ve been able to educate him about asexuality. Well, not too long ago, he asked me if he could tell his closest friends about me being asexual. I was super hesitant, since I’ve only met his friends via voice chat once, and know nothing about their general views of the LGBT+ community. He got upset with me, and started talking about how I should tell my family about being asexual eventually, even if it’s after I move out. I got upset with him, and told him why I’d never tell my family(they’re a bit homophobic and highly transphobic, so really not safe people to be out to). I explained that coming out to someone put me in a very vulnerable position, that I always had to proceed with caution, and that I’ve gotten burned before, hence my caution and my reason for trying to gauge people first. He started apologizing to me, and admitted he didn’t realize how private me being asexual really was, and that he’d told people without me knowing. Not his close friends, but his oldest sister and some people he works with at his summer job. His sister guessed I was asexual during one of their conversations and he merely confirmed it since he didn’t want to lie. As for his coworkers, he works at a place that is very open towards sexuality, so when he asked a few questions about asexuality, people were able to figure out he knew someone who’s asexual, and again, not wanting to lie he’d confirm it. I’ve only met his sister in person once and his roommate(who’s girlfriend is also asexual) via a skype chat(we’re a long distance relationship, so most of our chats are via skype). While I’ve forgiven him, I felt completely and utterly terrified when he told me this. I was crying and started to shut down on him I got so overwhelmed. He started crying when he realized how much he hurt me, and it basically was a cry fest for a bit until we managed to calm each other down. I’ve forgiven him and I still love him, but I guess I’m wondering is, how to handle this. This whole mess was a result of him wanting someone to be able to talk to about me being asexual, and me not really mentioning how much in the closet I really am. I never made a big deal out of being asexual, after coming out, heck I’ve shared a few things from this page with him. I don’t want to prevent him from being able to talk to someone if he needs to(one of my good friends is bisexual and the two of us talk about LGBT+ stuff a lot, which is really nice since there really isn’t anyone else I can talk to who is also part of it), but after this, I almost don’t want him to tell his friends, however I already said he could if he gauges their views first. So basically, any advice for dealing with this mess or moving past it?”

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