From the inbox #694

“I grew up in a Christian family my whole life. Everyday I am constantly reminded of God and His love. I was taught how to live the ‘true’ Christian way and to be a ‘respectable’ one.
But as I grew, I was also told to not get into relationships quickly. And of course, I didn’t. Not because I was raised with the mindset.
But because I didn’t /feel/ it.
As a child, I was a huge geek. And therefore silent since everyone around me in school were ‘preppy’. One time, two of my friends dragged me around the school hallways, stalking two of our male classmates. Every time one of the boys would turn, they’d pull me along to hide. I didn’t understand why. So I asked soon enough, “Why are we hiding?”. They gave me a really surprised look, as if I didn’t know something that was obvious. They told me they had a crush on them, and I asked again on why would they hide if they just like them? I mean, we like each other too, then why are we not hiding from each other? That was what I pondered about when I was young, and it was left unanswered until a few years later. I noticed how from every film and book I read or game I play, everyone has their own favorite character, simply because they fell in love with them. For me, although, it was only a matter of the interest of seeing a character struggle and grow that makes them my favorite. Which is then my friends would look at me strangely, because obviously, my reason was a ‘lie’ to them.
Moving on to more years later, I was questioned by a group of girls if I ever gotten into a relationship. I said no, I didn’t. They then asked if I had a crush on someone. I’d always say no, and they would always give me that glance of doubt.

“You’re lying”
“Oh really now? Not even once?”
“What, you’re gay?”

It…. Hurts to feel alienated because of that. Because of how I confused many, I explained my situation. But I always get the same response..

“Stop assuming.”
“Impossible. You’ll find the right one someday.”
“I’m betting 300 bucks you will get married in the future.”
“Pfft, stop being in denial.”

Because of that perception, I grew afraid of even answering such questions. To the point someone talks to me about getting into a relationship, getting married, having a family. I get sick. I feel sick, a churning in my stomach and the spinning of my head. There are times I just breakdown upon the topic.

Because of that. I was always the ‘weird’ one. The liar. I can’t even go up to speak to someone of the opposite gender without people yelling out that I’m interested in them, and that I was lying all the time.

Coming to the age of 16 as well, my parents and family would unknowingly throw me into pressure and anxiety when they say things like:

“When you become a parent..”
“When you marry…”
“Do you have a boyfriend yet?”
“In time, your partner will come..”

I get dizzy. With the only thought being forced to my head by the people around me saying

“If you don’t get a partner, you will suffer a life alone.”

That was the only term that repeated in my head. Again and again.
And I was afraid. Because I had never once taken both sexual and romantic interest on anyone. I don’t feel it at all. And that made me feel abnormal.

One day during my health class in junior high, I knocked down one of my books and fell open. Upon picking it up, I read through the open content.

There were three sexualities listed. I always thought there were only two. And so I read on.

Heterosexual
Homosexual
Asexual

My eyes pinned on the term ‘asexual’. And that’s when I believed I must be under this sexuality. So, when I got home, I decided to search about it. Research about it. Ponder about it. And I was soon introduced to so many other genders and sexualities that I have not even heard of.

I had felt… So relieved. And I am glad I’ve come across people in the same situation as me. It’s good to know I’m not alone, and that I was never abnormal.

I believe this is the way God made me. And to represent an image of what is also ‘human’.

I don’t care anymore on how much the people around me pressure me. Or say that I’m delusional and in the wrong. For someone who does not feel this freedom I have, I give no right for theird words to pierce me once more”

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