From the inbox #69

Don’t know if this is the right place to go, but couldn’t think of anywhere else I can go on Facebook that I can actually be understood….

I guess I’m looking for advice. I am Asexual, but haven’t quite figured out how far down the spectrum I am.
I know I enjoy sensual things like hugging and kissing, and sometimes making out but that’s as far as it goes for me. Any more than that I feel uncomfortable, scared, and like I’d rather be doing practically ANYTHING else.

I am straight (as far as I am aware, but that’s another story…) and have had two relationships in my life (the first was barely even a relationship though, it lasted three months but we didn’t see each other loads) but I guess I’ve only had one ‘real’ relationship in my life. I figured out during this relationship that I was ace, but was too scared to speak up and was forced into things I didn’t want to do. Luckily, it never got as far as sex.

I am really into a guy but am getting to know him before we start a relationship. He meets all my insane standards (even with my face, I have a long list haha)…. And knows almost everything about me…. Bar this. I once tried to tell him but clammed up and just froze with fear….

What if it scared him away? Should I just pretend I’m normal, because I know for a fact being with someone as amazing as him would be worth it for me… Violating my sexuality, just so he wouldn’t flee? But then where would that leave me? My self esteem would be crushed, and I would feel terrible about myself…. But I’d still have him. If I told him, and he couldn’t handle or didn’t like it, then I’d have lost one of the most important things in my life, and I’d be sent back down into depression, dissociation and isolation again- the things that by being with him no longer seem so hard to fight….

I feel so confused and torn- I know I’m too scared to tell him, but what do I do? Should I let this relationship happen and see for sure how Ace I am, before opening up to him and hoping to the gods I don’t lose him? I guess overall I’m just scared, and feeling alone.”

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