From the inbox 579

“Random thoughts

I’m transsexual and gender-fluid?! Why am I so angry?!
First of all, in my own case (and only in my case/maybe not in others), I feel that the dual gender bender stuff I do is dysfunctional because society does not collectively accept or protect it. I mean, let’s face it! From the outset, most countries only recognize two genders, not to mention a bazillion other factors. It is a given therefore that you are either male or female. Nothing more and nothing less. To be more or less means to live in alienation from others and to suffer it in your own mind, like a prison. What comes of the person who is both genders or neither? The precedent for binary overshadows anything else to the point of threat. I for one feel like kicking binary’s ass up and fucking down the block like the bitch tool that it is. It neither recognizes natural ambiguity nor does it embrace doing what feels right, regardless of cultural expectation. Both I find to be highly idiotic and very unimaginative. Not to mention showing complete lack of thought process, concern for future generations or the protections of minority. I could go on.

One very real possibility for causing this personality dualism is prolonged waits for gender reassignment. Having to live forever/no-end-in-sight, between worlds can impact the person from several foreseeable view points, right off the cuff:
* Cultural expectation. What society expects of a person.
* Conditioning. What sorts of responses the person must make to a world that has certain expectations of them. This could be particularly true for instance, in cases where the person is undetected and members of the opposite sex advance. A second scenario could be that the undetected person has to forgo activities that are healthy, natural, culturally relevant and are the rights of passage for other healthy counterparts because if they participate, they run detection risk and the implications are alienation, discrimination and the dismantling of the person’s life in general.
* Treatment. What types of self-therapy that is administered during and throughout the process of delayed treatment.
* These stereotypes and outcomes are reinforced by my particular circumstance. I say self therapy here because it has been my experience that individuals tasked with monitoring and treating what I call ‘circumstantial depression’ are largely not familiar with the task at hand, nor do they share similar background or experience. Many do and of those, it has equally been my experience that those persons vastly and disproportionately assign themselves to being ‘the freak’. This only serves to keep the treatments anyone receives in an imbalance and unequipped for the task at hand: namely, to aid a person mentally from point a to transition.
* At some point, I have had to face reality. I am not fully one or the other from a reproductive, chemical, sociological or culturally acceptable standpoint. Coming to peace with being unable to move forward yet also being unable to go backward is quite difficult for a person who has always been in forward motion. This should have been a very short blip and then been completely forgotten about but instead, it has become the needle in the haystack which poisons the whole barn! A small thing like this should be worked out instantly, not over years and years of time without any foreseeable end. But because it has no end, it becomes the entire focus of all that matters and completely destabilizes the natural and delicate balance of having many issues throughout life and still conquering them. When do I get to move on from this completely ridiculous road block so I can live my fugging life and be a ‘normal functioning’ member of society. I fear, by the time I do get whatever treatment may finally become available, it will be too late to repair the damage or it will take yet more years upon years to heal from.
* The non-binary person is seen as a perversion of the sexes and is therefore relegated to the expectation that they must live their life as a perversion. This only complicates relationships, on all levels, not to mention the damage to the otherwise healthy psyche.
* The mental gymnastics that the non-binary heterosexual individual must perform are astronomical. Any would-be partners are therefore at best, unlikely to take up such a challenge, let alone be prepared to do so.
* Any relationship that is formed on the basis of knowledge that the non-binary person is somehow “missing something” will forever mar both individuals and likely will lead the the eventual collapse of said relationship, not to mention the damage it inflicts on upcoming relationship goals, thoughts or ideas. To be damned regardless is to be without hope.

This hurts the head, confuses me and strains and plagues all of my relationships, regardless if platonic, work related, romantic, sexual or otherwise.

Is it therefore arguable that surgical care must happen within a certain timeframe? If so, what dictates the timeframe since each individual is different? What sorts of special catches do we put in place for people who fall through the cracks and go untreated for years on end? Are there protections ensuring that for instance, when said person loses a job due to this (they are finally ‘detected’), they have support to rely on (which happened to me and continues to happen again and again)? What are the implications of all these thoughts and so many more? How can people relate to me?

I wanted to go undetected and I succeeded in that, but at the end, only by avoiding people and pushing them away. I’ve always gotten annoyed at the types of people that make this type of thing the focal point of their lives because to me, it’s very one-dimensional and indicates lack of depth, maturity and experience. So after all of mine, can I at least make it better for someone else? I didn’t want this. I just wanted what I perceived that others had; a ‘normal life’, with a partner who matched me in caliber. I realize I’m asking for the impossible since I have to live so abnormally but it didn’t stop me from dreaming and pushing toward that goal. I’m a fighter though and I will always believe something worth having is worth fighting for.

I want to go on for hours but my back hurts, REALLY badly. I needed a massage 3 years ago.”

Edit:

“There have been two minor revisions that I feel help clarify. I’ll share those with you.

* The non-binary person is seen as a perversion of the sexes and is therefore relegated to the expectation that they must live their life as a perversion. This only complicates relationships, on all levels, not to mention the damage to the otherwise healthy psyche. The very fabric of a person’s worth is on the skewer and in the fire to be burned up and incinerated. Embracing the perversion often feels the only way to go.

* These stereotypes and outcomes are reinforced by my particular circumstance. I say self therapy here because it has been my experience that individuals tasked with monitoring and treating what I call ‘circumstantial depression’ are largely not familiar with the task at hand, nor do they share similar background or experience. The remaining practitioners may be equipped in such a way however, it has equally been my experience that those persons vastly and disproportionately assign themselves to being ‘the freak’ and don’t really step away from the issue or solve it. Instead, they relish it. This only serves to keep the treatments anyone receives in an imbalance and unequipped for the task at hand: namely, to aid a person mentally from point a to transition.”

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