From the inbox #456

“I also had a journey of IDing bisexual at first… so when I was around 12 I had made a really good female friend and by now (17 y/o) we are even closer and get physical sometimes. By then she was pretty stuck in her mother perception of how the world has to be and I introduced her to terms like bisexuality and shocked her as I told her I dreamed about kissing her once. She said it was cool with her as long as o didn’t actually kiss her because she didn’t want to kiss anyone and despite not being stiff any more (I have to pat my own shoulder here, I shocked her enough to get her freaky like me) she hasn’t had any crushes or so on.
So I shoved it back into my mind that i was probably bisexual and only had crushes on guys and her. I was nervous around some dudes, I was excited and seen from my perspective now that was only because NO ONE wanted contact with me except for some Individuums.
As I went on my gender-journey I also started a LDR with a wonderful person who introduced me to practical sex for the first time, even tho I was “used” to smutty fanfictions by the time already.
We were together for over a year as they asked me to finally have sex, I was a virgin, was excited and we had “starting problems”.
I think me being overly excited because of my first relationship and being overwhelmed by the new experiences was why I didn’t realise I didn’t finde them attractive. In that way.
Idk if really never found them sexually appealing but it makes sense and explains why I was extremely shy even after it wasn’t that new to me.
So you see, especially at young age (who am I to judge with my 17 years) you easily confuse sexual and romantic attraction.
I didn’t even know you can split those two up!!
And I only knew about homo-, hetero- and bisexuality at the age of 15 so I figured I must be bi because I felt men and women equally sexy… not at all to be exact.

Asexuality spectrum identities were literally the latest I discovered! I knew about pan, poly, heteroflexible etc. since last year and only discovered the actual definition of asexuality over tumblr recently.
I found out how huge the ace-umbrella actually is and that you can describe so many orientations.
I know that might not be necessary but to me personally it’s a good, a warm feeling to share a flag with other people.
Like… flags always mean you are connected in some way, may it be national or political or from some organisations/clubs. And it’s a good feeling to know I am not alone.

Like (yes, imma huge marvel-cinema-geek) Charles said to Erik “You are not alone.”
It’s good to be not alone and to have a point/person/page to turn to and I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness as you are.
Self-discovering is a journey you might not know when it ends, but every step towards your true self is a good step, a powerful step in the right direction.
And I hope all of you, my ace-spec siblings are safe and warm somewhere over the holidays and for the future we all face.
I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. ❤️💛💚💙💜

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