From the inbox #452

TW: Abuse

“I’m pretty sure that I’ve been ace my whole life. As a teenager, I was mocked pretty badly by the only people who I called friends because I wasn’t dating, and I didn’t have a crush on anyone. Keep in mind, I’ve also always been the small town nerd – I was an easy target because I didn’t fit into the standard small town girl mold. I watched anime before watching anime was cool and I never stopped collecting Pok√©mon cards.

I still remember one incident when my friends kept harassing me about who my crush was. I said someone’s name – not because I liked them – but to get them off my back. The next day my whole school (which probably had under 100 students enrolled at the time altogether) knew and I became everyone’s target. I guess you could say I faked my first crush.

Fast forward to my first experience with community college. I became pretty closely connected to a group of nerds and we’d play lots of tabletop board games and magic the gathering. I ended up skipping a lot of my classes and academically, I performed really terribly in my classes. I started feeling terribly about myself, too. But then one of the guys who sat with us asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes even though I didn’t like him because I figured if I was dating someone, maybe my family members might stop making fun of me for being a lesbian.

The relationship turned really bad about 6 months in. He started abusing me and I stayed with him because I didn’t know how to leave. At that point, I had moved in with him in order to try to start my own life. I stayed with him for 3 and a half years, enduring emotional, physical, and financial abuse. I guess I eventually ended up finding my breaking point when I left him… I don’t know how i did. All I know is that one morning, before he left for work, I told him I was leaving him and I told my mom about leaving him, and about the abuse, and my stuff was packed and I got out of his house before he got back home from work.

I don’t think my family respects my asexuality because of this experience. My direct family just doesn’t talk about me and relationships in the same context. My family that I see less often still thinks that I just haven’t found the right man yet. Maybe God will find me the right man later in life. I don’t know at this point. I’m just frustrated because I feel like my history with domestic violence is making it impossible for my family to respect me as a heteroromantic asexual woman.

I managed to pull myself out of a situation where my ex had me in an incredible amount of debt (which I paid off on my own), I finished my community college education after my ex had told me that I wasn’t capable of getting my degree, and now I’m studying in the exact university that my ex told me I’d never make it in to.

I’m single. I’m not sure if I’m happy, but I know that I feel like I’m winning right now. It gets better.”

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