From the inbox #448

“So i saw that you were posting peoples stories anon, and I’ve considered for a couple of weeks writing something. Except i never thought that anything i felt or did was actually worth the time of writing to you guys and having people publicly respond to my life. However there is real value in sharing ones experience and verbalizing the feelings that cause us all so much discomfort.

So here goes, a small piece of my life.

Recently i came out to everyone i knew that i am asexual. But the journey there is something to be noted. From a fairly young age i thought that i may have been gay, i generally find males more attractive, and as a male myself, in a country in the UK that is not overly fond of gay people especially when i was growing up. I’m 24 now, and in my semi rural area its still kind of frowned upon. but i wished that perhaps i was going through some kind of phase. i thought that perhaps i was bisexual, and that was what i ran with for a long time. Thinking that i might be attracted to both genders.

however i still never told anyone this, and especially not my family and friends. I have anxiety problems and other mental illnesses that i did not know i had at the time, so telling my friends that i was not normal or rather that was how i perceived myself though i myself was fully accepting of all sexuality, was not something i could do.

In all of this time, i have felt alone, i have had attractions, but they were never physical they were always because i liked the person, on a deep and emotional basis, even if this feeling was not reciprocated.

I hate to be the one to say this but i am something of a romantic. As much as i am a man i am all for the mushy shit that drove me to love the film love actually, and other such films.

However after some time i felt inadequate, alone and desperate to have some form of connection, before i gave up on having anything akin to love in my life.

I did the stupid, and wonderful thing of going on the app Tinder, i connect with a person and for a time, i found myself infatuated him. However i knew that at some point he would want a closer physical intimacy.

And the more i thought about it the more it terrified me, i realized that i was not attracted to him in a physical way, i loved his mind.

and eventually i had to tell him that i could not be physical, and this wounded me.

I felt like some sort of strange thing, something abnormal…. Thought my life and many others lives, the fact of sex being a necessary and important part of our lives is pushed on us. This pseudo fact as i know it to be these days is pushed on us all at a young age, being hinted upon in cartoons, featuring in films, and pushed on us by social convention.

But at the time i did not know any of this, i thought that i might have been demi sexual, but that did not make any logical sense to me as i had formed emotional bonds, and strong ones at that but still the idea of having someone touch me is repulsive to me. It is so repulsive likely for a number of reasons including mental health but have sex? that was not and is not something i consider myself comfortable with.

So knowing all of this and finally discovering my sexual alignment should have been a vindicating and relaxing discovery. A discovery to ease my mind and put some things to rest.

However now more than ever it becomes apparent that i am lonely, and that because of my sexuality i am confined in to a small box with considerably few others compared to what it the accepted norm; and i find myself thinking that perhaps i must spend my life in solitude with love being something that is unachievable to me.

As depressing as this is the only good thing to have come out of this is that my friends and family understand my sexuality better than i had hoped, perhaps my gay brother helped laid that foundation in my family.

I dont know what to expect if this is posted, and i honestly dont know what sort of response would even make me feel alright. What i do know is that i feel, that had i not put this in to words, it would have been some phantom enigma ruling my life, and because i am so new to the community in general i am still adjusting myself perhaps, i dont know.

Thanks for reading…”

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