From the inbox #362


I know this is random, but I have nowehere else to turn to and I can’t talk to anyone about this 😞 Please forgive me if I say too much

I am a gray-ace female and I know this is going to sound so weird and it just sounds wrong when I hear myself say this, but the truth is, as much as I wish it weren’t so, male sexuality really bothers me. And I’m not saying that anyone else that is sexual doesn’t bother me, but for some reason when it comes to guys and their sexual behavior/habits/interests/etc., I get really sad 😞 sometimes I feel angry. . . and I don’t want to feel that way! I think the reason why hetero male sexuality bothers me more so than any other sexuality is because it is something that tends to stand out more in our culture, and I can’t escape from it. I wish I didn’t care. I’m not sexist, I’m not a prude either. I wish this didn’t bother me so much, I probably sound crazy. I wasn’t like this when I just started hitting puberty and teenage boys never bothered me, their sexuality didn’t bother me either, really. But at some point in my life, around 14 or so, I started learning more and more about boys and men, and this made me immensely sad, hopeless, and something I can’t even really explain. Over the years I’ve tried my best to cope with it and there are a few things that don’t bother me as much anymore. But I still get triggers and pangs of panic, anger, or sadness. I don’t even think ‘anger’ is the right way to describe it because I’m not mad, but part of me feels like I’m mad at something. Everything that pertains to hetero male sexuality bothers me. I try to hold it down. Whenever I hear, see, or remember something pertaining to it, I feel tense, like a hand is gripping at my head. Some of the things that trigger me are thoughts or anyone or anything that talks about or jokes about teenage boys (their sexuality), when I see a scantily clad girl or woman in media or in person, or a naked female, I automatically think about how a male would sexually respond to her, want to sexually gratify himself to her (sorry, I apologize for how weird this is) and for some reason that makes me upset. . . (it didn’t used to before I looked into it too much). I wish it didn’t. Other things are just. . . well, pretty much anything that connects with what I have been talking about. I admit that misogyny also bothers me even though sexual objectification is normalized in our culture and misogyny is incorporated in modern porn, and I guess it can be a fantasy thing, but even that bothers me.

Please understand, I do NOT hate men/boys. But there are things that bother me about them, and I guess I could probably say the same thing for any sexual person. I am not against sexual people. But sadly, I experience things I wish I didn’t when it comes to them expressing things on a sexual level. Why? . . . I wish I knew. I kind of do know why, but it’s complicated and if you wish to ask, I could try to clarify the reasons.

Is this normal for a hetero gray asexual girl/person? I mean. . . I wouldn’t really even classify this as normal myself. But please. . . please help me. I want to get over this. And I understand if there’s not much you can say to help, but I want to hear what you think. . .
I want to talk about this because I want to move on. I want to live a happy and normal life without feeling sad about things I can’t control.

Also um. . . another thing lately that has been triggering me is guys talking about porn, or knowing that guys watch it, anything that has to do with that. Lately, I’ve been having bad dreams about being sad over this.”

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