From the inbox #284

TW: Sexual trauma

“You know, I’m really sick of the ace hate. As someone who has always been demi (but just now realizing that’s what it’s called) but also experienced sexual trauma in my late teens, I usually go with the latter to explain my reluctance around and dislike of sex. Because it usually takes awhile to get me to the bedroom, by the time it actually happens, I’ve made such a strong connection to the person that I do experience desire. Some activities I find painful, but for the other ones, I generally enjoy myself. I LOVE being intimate with my partner, just not penetrative sex. Well, today found me on tinder, great connection to this guy, same sense of humor, witty, fun. And his longest relationship was with someone who was ace! Well, at first I was suspicious, and asked if that was the reason for the eventual break up, but after assuring me that it wasn’t (she moved to a different state, and long distance relationships present their own challenges.) So I got super excited. Here’s someone who might actually understand and love me for ME. So I told him I’m demisexual, explained it was on the ace spectrum and what it meant to me. And then I got friend zoned. “You may be asexual, but I’m very much sexual, so I’m looking at you only as a friend. We could be good friends but the worst of lovers.” ARRRRRRGH Just because I’m not oversexed liked most of the population, and require a strong emotional connection before wanting to have sex, doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be a good lover and partner! I don’t know whether to try and explain to him again that I’m grey-sexual, or just give up and move on. But I mean, come ON. What kind fo world do we live in where I have a better chance at a relationship as someone who had sexual trauma as opposed to someone who is demisexual?”

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