From the inbox #278

“hey… i just recently came out as asextual/ace on social media after having a horrendous experience trying to explain this to someone i used to be sexually intimate with. i have received nothing but love and support, and when i found your page i knew i was in the right place. i thought i would share with you the status i shared:

So. I think it’s time to come out. I’ve realized over the course of the last year that i identify not only as gender queer, but also asexual (weird, huh?). In the course of my life, I have only ever truly enjoyed sex with like … two people (you may know who you are), and have “needed” it not for the right reasons. It is always a chore, i rarely glean proper pleasure from it and I don’t readily identify as a being who needs or even wants sexual contact. As bi/pan/GQ no matter who I am with seems to expect it, which causes me not pride, but stress. When I was on the other end of it (dating someone who identified as “asexual”), i found myself frustrated because i really cared for this person and found it hard to understand not being able to show that in a sexual sense as well as an intellectual/spiritual one. But I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. So i get it. This being said, if you are friends with me solely for the purpose of someday getting in my pants (no matter how minuscule the chance you think you may or may not have), unfriend me now. if you are friends with me for literally any other reason (even “hate friending” me to see what i’m up to), that’s cool with me, i have nothing to hide and probably genuinely care for you as a person. the chances of me having sexual contact with ANYONE is so small, the chemistry has to be so exact, that your chances are less than 1%. i’ve already encountered “friends” who seem to take offense to this (which is really slimy, btw, because i have never indicated that either of us were “obligated” to each other in any way). i feel guilty when i have to explain over and over again, that it’s not YOU. it’s EVERYONE i don’t care to bump uglies with anymore. and i’m sick of it. “but carmen, how can you identify as a gender (even either/or) and still be asexual?” We can still be male/female/queer/whatever without the strings of sexual contact. Do i still want a relationship? of course i desire intimate contact! i like cuddles and closeness just as much as any other person. I just don’t care for sexual contact.

If any of you just can’t accept this, kindly fuck off. Please be my friend for who I am, not for what I can do for you (in bed or otherwise).”

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