From the inbox #187

TW: Abuse

“Ok, so.
I identify as asexual. I don’t feel attracted to anyone, as much as I enjoy sex, there is no attraction- it’s closer to, idk, making each other feel good. My parts all work, my brain just isn’t into seeing people as sexually attractive (aesthetically pleasing- total other ball game).

My problem is this- when people say what asexuality isn’t- one of the biggest things that is bought up is sexual abuse- or rather asexual persons aren’t hiding from trauma.
I’m a sexual abuse survivor- and it’s hard sometimes to correlate whether I’m assxual because I’m asexual or if any chance of me being able to find sexual attraction was muted because of the abuse that I survived.
I kind of- I feel like I’m taking at times. It’s hard to be ace and enjoy sex (not so much here- here people get it) because as much as you can ‘fake’ it there is still the whole ‘I don’t find people attractive and sex as the be all and end all is confusing’. It’s even harder to have people brush off my sexuality because they see it as ‘nonsexual’ and a reaction to past abuse.
I don’t know what sexual attraction is- trust me, I have tried. I have slept with strangers (hell, that was what I thought was normal for a long time. I didn’t feel attraction so if someone showed an interest….yeah. It’s messy, don’t go there. That was a sexual abuse side effect more then an ace side effect- my self worth was linked into sex- it may have helped me become comfortable with sex but I am much more comfortable now, since I have realised that it is ok not to be attracted to anyone and it means I’m not broken.

Because that’s sort of how I felt. For years. Like….up until a couple of years ago. I’m in my 30’s- and finally settled into who I am.

So, uh, yeah. I don’t know where I’m going here. Maybe I just want to see if there are other ace abuse survivors out there. Maybe I just want to show gratitude because this is a safe enough place to talk about these things.”

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