From the inbox #1381

“TW: Hypersexuality, Sexual Assault Mention, Invalidation, Transphobia, Abuse, Internalized Transphobia
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Hello all! Call me Ace! I’m a man of trans and queer experience. My pronouns are he/him. This is a long one, so buckle up!
Growing up, I always felt a bit off. I didn’t like myself in any way, and it showed. People noticed my lack of femininity and pounced on that. I felt sick because I couldn’t fit in. I felt sick because I couldn’t be myself.
When I entered high school, I dated a woman for the first time. I still identified as cisgender at the time. She was a woman of trans experience. She was a very sexual person into many kinks, and I was not. I was uncomfortable at even the mention of her sexual urges. One day, she started to scream at me that I didn’t want to have sex with her because I was transphobic. I gave in because I thought she was right, and I didn’t want to be seen as transphobic. I told everyone I loved her, and that all was well. But really, I acted sexual even though I had no desire to. We broke up. And I suddenly felt incredibly sexual. But any time I engaged in anything sexual, I felt dirty and often showered several times a day.
I dated a two feminine-identifying people, and had intimacy with one of them. This time it felt right, and happy. I still felt fairly hypersexual, though, and was sick at the thought of being sexual sometimes, even if my libido was incredibly high.
Fast forward a few years, and I met my now husband. He’s the light of my life, my whole world. And he just came out to me as aegosexual.
Aegosexuality is on the asexual spectrum. It means you have a libido and experience sexual attraction, but generally toward hypothetical scenarios. For him, it also means he likes participating in sexual activities as long as nothing is directed at him.
This opened my eyes, and slowly everything fell into place. In doing research to better support him, I realized who I was. What I was. Being assaulted all those years ago had ingrained in me that to be loveable, I had to be sexual. And now I know the truth.
I am a demi-romantic, demi-sexual, gray-ace ace-flux, literature-excited person. That’s a fancy bunch of words that to me, mean the following:
-I have to have an intense friendship with someone to feel romantically attracted to them.
-I have to have an emotional bond, generally romantic, to be sexually attracted to them.
-I am on the asexual spectrum.
-I go between short times of feeling extremely sexual but long periods of feeling completely sex-repulsed, despite having a libido.
-I receive the most sexual pleasure through erotic/romantic written word.
I have seen so many posts about people in difficult situations because of their sexual partner. It breaks my heart. I have been there. I see you. I hear you. But there is someone out there for everyone; my husband and I have an incredibly strong romantic bond, and understand our sexuality perfectly. Do we have sex often? Absolutely not. Does that bother us? Not at all. We are worth everything. Our feelings and orientation matter. You are valid. I am valid.
We deserve happiness and safety. We deserve to feel clean ❤

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