From the inbox #1356

“Two and a half years ago I was worrying about telling my squish my feelings towards her and even if I got lots of support from people in this page to go ahead I didn’t. We kept seeing each other as always and became closer friends, until we both called each other “best friend” and our friends couldn’t figure out one of us without the another. It was like a dream since I was afraid my squish would find me weird for wanting to be that close to her all the time and treating her like almost a girlfriend without actually being one, and as I’m a trans boy (still binding tho) she could think I was bi or lesbian or any other allosexuality and wanted something from her. Despite that fear, we became a beautiful bromance after all.
However, one night of last year we were on the train back home and she let her head rest in my shoulder. I was nervous and didn’t know what to do. We were covering our knees with my jacket and behind it, she took my hand. Technically we were cuddling and my heart went hyper fast and I honestly didn’t know what to do. If she was expecting something or whatever I was only desperately confused. At the station were we separate our ways home I told her indirectly that I was asexual and she told me all nice she was demi! Deep peace breath there.
idk how much time later I went to visit her as usual, and when we give each other a strong hug to say good bye at the end of the day, she hugged me and kissed me. And for God’s sake, NOW I WAS DYING INSIDE. We started dating a month later because I was dead that whole time yet.
The thing is, we lived five months of a normal asexual romantic relationship. One day she kissed me and didn’t let me go until it became a deep kiss. Alrighty there but I noticed that the second time wasn’t the same. Like I forgot all of my aro self that time and all was “first times”. Now it’s like before. Deep kisses seems boring and unnecessary. Don’t feel like even kissing her since the second or third time, I feel alright by hugging, cuddling and sometimes holding hands. She became my beloved squish again after all those doses of first times. Today, at the beginning of our second year of relationship, I’m afraid of telling her I don’t feel like when we started dating. I do love her, just as always, I want her to be happy and all, but I miss those times when we would be like a platonic pairing. Obviously now we know our feelings and that’s awesome, but I want to hug her and fall asleep without implying anything sexual nor even after a long kiss. I know she probably won’t ask me to intimate but maybe she thinks I like us more as a romantic pairing instead of our deep bromance?
What do you think? Should I tell her straight something like “I don’t really enjoy kisses, let’s go back and be squishes!” or just let it be or I don’t know??”

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