From the inbox #1291

TW: Trauma
“Hi all, I’m new here
I found out I’m asexual after my second child though I’ve always known something was off by my deep repulsion, but I continued through as I was raised that sex was needed for a healthy relationship, even though it killed me inside every time. I experienced complex trauma from birth to 18 along with a series of traumas in early adulthood including my ex “making love with me” while I slept at night as I was a deep sleeper. I have some issues, I am sex repulsed..
I’m thankful my fiancé (allo) partner doesn’t ask or say anything. He doesn’t touch with out asking and he makes sure I see him coming in for a hug or kiss.. he maturbates daily and is celibatant. It’s been about 12 months of no sex, oral etc for us.. I’m sex repulsed with tactile issues Though my youngest is 6 months old and oldest is 5 and has special needs. I’m way to exhausted with all that and my own mental health issues. I’m lucky he understands me, doesn’t push, doesn’t ask. We talk often. But I know eventually he will want a sex life with me.. hoping by then I won’t be sex repulsed. I’m scared the other day I read over 5 hours of stories between sexuals and asexuals.. and I’m worried when that day comes how I will feel.. if I can bring myself to lie there and have unwanted sex for benefit of someone else’s happiness especially if it kills me inside and makes me hate them.. does anyone else feel this way? Suggestions for when and if I find myself in this position ?
We talk a lot, he is supportive and poly isn’t an option for either of us and neither of us wants to leave each other.”

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